In past conversations on this board it has been
often suggested to me that I owe XW an apology
for my role in the A. I have been reluctant to
do so- since I had been informed that she never
wanted to meet and or speak with me. In case you
have forgotten me- I am married to my XMM.
Over the holidays XW called to tell H that she
had gotten engaged over the holidays. I suggested
to H that he send her an engagement gift either
with or without my signature included. She is very happy and H is happy for her- although I think he
took it a bit in the ego (her fiance is younger,
better educated and wealthier than he).
I thought this might be a good time to offer my
apologies- what do you think?

I think you should POJA this with your husband and both be in full agreement with the decision you jointly make.

Until then, do nothing.

Pep

I'm not Pepperband, but I'd say just leave things as they are.

I personally wouldn't want to hear it, especially since she has obviously moved on with her life. Just my opinion though.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

One more thought.... if you do do this apology you do it because it will benifit HER, not yourself and your H.

OK?

Pep

What if I don't know if it would benefit her?
I feel I owe her an apology but than again
to the best of my knowledge her wish is to never
see/speak to me.
For the most part she has moved on with her life.
She moved across the country and is now planning
on remarrying. There are no children between
H and her. She does occasionally call H on his
cell at work- usually to chat about what is new
with her. She asks about H's family but never
asks about H or I.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
What if I don't know if it would benefit her?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then assume it would not.

Thanks for asking.

Pep

If she wishes not to speak to you then what is your purpose of wanting to apologize now?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">her fiance is younger,
better educated and wealthier than he).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

... therefore, she should forgive you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No, it was advice I received from other board
members- that despite what I had heard regarding
her feelings- I should consider.
The recent news from her- since we hadn't heard
from her in a while just brought the question
up again.
She owes me nothing.
Why is it that anyone with a past or present
OW label is fair game to take swipes at?

I don't see anyone taking swipes, just asking questions.

But again, I ask. If she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from you, why do you feel the need to apologize now. What's it going to accomplish?

If she's made it clear, as you have stated, that she doesn't want to hear from you, why reopen that door when she is getting on with her life? I just don't get it?

In terms of swipes- I was refering to the
sarcastic comment by Belonging to Nowhere.

I agree with you and have no plans to approach
her. If you go back to my initial posts- you'll
see many BS who were insistent that I needed to
attempt contact and apologize. This wasn't an
original thought on my part. Perhaps you'd
have to read their posts to see what their thoughts were.

Well all I have to say is, it's been 3 years (if I read correctly) you need to let it go. Let her get on with her life.

If the OW contacted me after 3 years, all that would do is prove that she hasn't learned anything from this situation and get let things be. Has to be to constantly stir the pot, throw more fuel on a fire that was looks to be out.

Just let it go!

pink---i dont think she meant it as a swipe to you. maybe off color humor, but i dont think it was a swipe. some of us have only the humor left to cling to.

i think way back when if you felt remorsefull, the apology would have meant something. however after this amount of time and healing on her part...i dont think it will.

I liked what I quoted and I was very sincere.


What's really behind this sensitivity... might be an answer why apology now too?

Pink Paige,

I was a betrayed wife and I would like to offer you my viewpoint.

First of all, she probably said that she never wanted to speak to you at the time that she found out about the A. I said the same thing. Even though I said that and meant it at the time, I would very, very much like to receive a sincere apology from the former OW. A sincere apology would include a recognition of the extreme pain and trauma she willingly and knowingly caused me and our M (notice I said recognition, not understanding, because unless you have been in the BS position, you cannot comprehend the extent of the pain). In addition, you would recognize that, as the new W, you would not want an OW to get involved with your H and force that kind of pain onto you and your M. (In my case, the A is over and they are not M'd, but I think the emotions are similar enough.)

I might suggest that you carefully write it out and keep it brief, but sincere, and acknoledge that you do not expect anything from her (including her understanding and forgivess, which may take time if it ever happens).

Pink Paige - may I point out a few more things for you to consider? I hope you don't mind. For me, one of the difficult things about such an apology would be that you can't really "make things right." Usually when someone is truly sorry, they do what they can to repair the damage they caused and put things back together. For example, if some breaks a window in your house, they would apologize AND fix the window. You can't really do that in your situation - you are probably not going to divorce your H and cut off all contact with him so that he loses his love for you and has an opportunity to restore his love for his W. You could, but you won't and I doubt that people would recommend that given that you are now M'd to him. So, it makes it a little more challenging for your apology to sound sincere. That doesn't mean that you aren't sincere or that you don't owe the former W an apology.

I know that one of the other posters suggested that you POJA this issue with your H. I know that POJA is important, but he may be hesitant to do this if he is not ready to apologize. I'm not sure what I would do in that case because I truly believe that you do owe her an apology whether or not the H ever apologizes, and that your obligation to apologize is not erased just because your H is not ready (or unwilling) to apologize. (By the way, I do not think the apology should be a joint apology with the H -- that would not seem sincere.)

I wanted to make a quick point about the reference to the former W's new fiance. I have no idea what occurred in your situation, but try to keep in mind that most BS suffer through a lot hurtful statements from their WS and the BS is often made to feel as if he/she is not good enough for the WS. (By the way, I really believe that if an OP could see/hear how the typical WS treats his/her H/W, then the OP would run for the hills.) So, for some people it's nice to hear that the former BS is also getting her own happy ending. Her happy ending is really separate from your M.

Apologies for the long post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is it that anyone with a past or present OW label is fair game to take swipes at?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you serious?

Remorseful, ex OPs may deserve *some* consideration.

Present OPs deserve nothing but contempt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
In terms of swipes- I was refering to the
sarcastic comment by Belonging to Nowhere.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said I wasn’t sarcastic, just sincere (and pleased).

I don’t feel your repentance.

In general - If it comes after 3 and more years, it just means you are aware of your not-good-as-it-looked choice, otherwise you wouldn’t feel sorry for her, not after feel-no-remorse much earlier, but in that case you wouldn’t be married to him anyway…

In particular - What I see is you feeling not safe with her talking to now-your H.
You think if you apologize now, and she forgives you, it would have a kind of meaning – no, I won’t do to you what you did to me… ?

So, it is not apology to her your issue… focus your energy on the real one…

Belonging to Nowhere,
You are wrong in many of the conclusion you
are drawing.
I think it is more my happy marriage that has
made me realize just what pain it would be to
lose that. During the A, the W was honestly
never really a thought. If I had allowed myself
to truly "think" about her- the A would have
never happened. I feel more repentant because
I can now truly see.
I do not feel threatened by the XW occasional
contact. true it did bother me ALOT in the
begining but as time has gone by it has become
more and more a non-issue. She has moved to the
other side of the US and appears to be happy
with all the changes in her life. Her and H
were together 12+ years- she still cares about
him- hell, deep down she may still love him.
I can't spend the rest of my M scared that something could happen between them (or with
another OW). All I can do is work towards a
strong and healthy marriage. And that's my plan.
I'm sorry you don't believe in my sincerity-
but it's true.

OK, I could believe you feel remorse (because you are afraid...)


but


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Pink Paige:
I think it is more my happy marriage that has
made me realize just what pain it would be to
lose that.---
I feel more repentant because I can now truly see.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you see - it has so little to do with her...?

It's again!! about you, not her...

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>