I found out on Dec. 10, 2004 that my W was having an affair. The week before we were having problems, she said that she really never loved me and that she only married me cause she felt pressured and that she only thought she married me. On Dec. 10th, I came home early from work to find her in bed with another man. Not only was it another man but it was our Pastor. They said it had been only going on for about a week and a half. After I found out I moved out for about a week. When I came back on Dec. 17th she said that she wanted to go to counseling. I thought that was a good sign, I thought she wanted to stay and fix the marriage. I couldn't get an appointment with a counselor until after the holidays. And during this time she was still talking to the OM (our Pastor). She said she would stop talking to him once counseling started. Also during this time she told me that she wasn't going to counseling to fix the marriage but to figure out if she still wan't to be married to me. She has also been very cold, mean and angry with me, which I don't understand. She also gets mad at me for making her feel like I am checking up on her, which I really don't understand.
In our first counseling session she re-iterates the same thing to the counselor, that we should have never been married in the first place. She says that the only reason that she hasn't gone through with filing for divorce is that she is afraid of being alone. So I suggested we seperate for awhile but she says no, cause that would only prove to her that she was afaid to be alone, which I don't understand. I would think she would know the difference between being afraid of being alone or if she really missed me.
I don't believe that she never loved me. I tell her that she feels this way because I neglected here for the last year and a half. But she insists that is not the case. Just this past weekend (Jan 22nd) she has been nicer to me, but she has also asked me to move out for awhile. She also asked if she file for divorce and she changed her mind would I take her back. I have tried to implement Plan A throughout this whole time and we are sleeping in seperate rooms.

So I was wondering I she being nicer to me because the "fog" is lifting or does she have another reason? She tells me that she has stopped all contact with the OM.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Yikes! Sorry to hear that the OM is also your pastor, but it has happened here before.

All the stuff that your wife is spouting comes right out of the WS Handbook. They all say the same thing. In my opinion, you should not move out. If anyone moves, it needs to be her.

Have you exposed the affair to your church?

Hi, runner

MB is the best possible place to be right now.

First, have you read all the articles on the web site? If not, do so now.

Second, buy a copy of Surviving An Affair (you can get it by clicking on bookstore at the top of this page.) Read it thoroughly -

Your situation is not as unusual as you might think. Even with the Pastor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
All Wayward Spouses rewrite the history of the marriage to make it sound like it was always all bad, therefore they are justified in their actions. NOT. Mine is doing the same thing. By reading articles, the books by W. Harley, and some others, I know that what he is saying is from the planet Uranus. It is alienspeak. Hers is too. Pay no attention.

In addition to your counseling you may be able to get locally, after reading SAA you should call the counseling center (above) and make an appointment to speak to Steve or Jennifer. You will find great help from there.

Continue posting - and realize that that woman is not your wife - yours is missing and the other woman is occupying her body. Keep your chin up and post here - lots of nice people will try to help.

runner - ditto starz and believer.

Here are the top 5 things you should do right away:

5. DO NOT MOVE OUT! Separation is not good for mending marriages. Why would it be? Further, if anybody moves out, it should be your wife. No compromises here.

4. Implement Plan A. Read all about it here. Basically, this is an assessment of your contributions to the poor state of the marriage that likely exists. Find them and fix them - your issues. Secondly, attempt to meet all emotional needs of your wife's that she will allow you to. First, figure out the most important ones that were not being met before. End all "love busters" - disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, any thing that might piss her off (except these initial steps).

3. Buy the books Surviving An Affair and His Neds/Her Needs - both available in the bookstore on this site or in just about any on-line bookstore. Devour them, but do not expect your wife to even look at them.

2. Spill the beans about the pastor to the church. This is second only to #1 below. The affair has to be exposed to reveal the secrecy it thrives on. Also, your wife is likely not the only affair partner he's had and others need to be warned. Also inform the church's parent church, or whatever higher order organizational structure exists. No good just allowing him to move around to another location as we know happens.

1. Expose the affair to the pastor's wife if he's married - or to his significant other or girlfriend/boyfriend - whatever.

Numbers 1 and 2 are absolutely, positively, no compromise necessary. Do not inform your wife that you are going to do this ahead of time.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Your pastor's behavior should be reported to your board of deacons or elders. It's not that different from a doctor abusing his privilege with his patients.

As a pastor, it's his responsibility to look out for the spiritual well being of those in his "flock". He has not done that, and in fact, led your wife into sin.

As a pastor, he is held to higher standards in these areas. Yes, he's just a man, but a man with great responsibility and accountability.

He should be removed from his position until he receives the appropriate counseling.

You would be remiss in not attending to this immediately, regardless of your wife's attitude about it. It has to be done whether you recover or not.

How many other women will you allow him to abuse?

Low

I have already told the church and my wifes parents know, so the A is not secret.

I am just confused, she is acting like the A never happened , she just wants to focus on the fact that she never loved me and that we should have never married. She keeps on saying I'm not gonna divorce you because of the A. And my response is the A is my reason. And then she gets angry at me when I say that.

I just don't understand what she is thinking. Why wouldn't she divorce me and then start a relationship with the OM? We are in counseling right know. Like I said for about the last week she has been nicer to me, Is that a good sign?

Before the A she would talk to her parents at least once a day. And now that they know she does't call them, she does't answer thier phone calls and she refuses to see them. Is this a sign of embarrassment and guilt? Or is she seeing if she could gon one without seeing them. Becasue If she divorces me her parents said they would diswon her.

I guess my ultimate question is why is she still here when she says all these things.

First things first.

Is there still contact between them?

NOTHING constructive can occur - including her personal withdrawal - towards mending your marriage until all contact is ceased and permanently severed.

Her current actions are typical of embarassment, guilt, regret, denial, and self preservation - all wrapped up together. It will take time for her to deal with this. Counseling my help her - when she's ready. In the meantime, if you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to carry the load and be her rock.

WAT

Yes she tells me that all contact has been severed. They both told me that if they had contact that they would tell me.

She says that right now she has made up her mind to divorce me but she afraid to pull the trigger. I told that if you are whating for me to do it you're gonna wait along time.

Since I have no experience in recovery, I cannot advise you any further other than to consider counseling with Steve Harley. Ultimately, you both will likely need counseling.

Curious - what was OM's church's reaction and/or actions? Any evidence that your wife wasn't the only one? Has the church attempted to keep it quiet?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by runner:
<strong> Yes she tells me that all contact has been severed. They both told me that if they had contact that they would tell me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW - do you believe this?

WAT

I want to believe them, but what else can I do.

I am unsure what the church is gonna do.

I want to believe them, but what else can I do.

I am unsure what the church is gonna do.

Based on your description of her, she will not tell you about any contact. As for him, why would anyone believe an adulterous pastor about anything?

Keep your eyes and ears open.

At the first indication of continued contact, go back to the church and demand they take some action.

WAT

This morning I went to pick her up from work. As soome as she get in the car she asks me If I have talked to the OM. She goes ballistic and says she know that I have, when I didn't. I am so confused why is she mad? It's not like I am the one who had the affair with him. When I ask her if she has called or talked to him she goes silent. I fell like she's just looking for reasons to get mad at me. It's like since I'm mad at her she has to find some reason to get mad at me.

Runner, if she goes silent when you ask about contact I would guess that there HAS been contact. Find out what his church is going to do about this. He does not sound repentent to me.

My guess... things between her an OM and not going well. So guess who she wants to blame?

Hang in there... exposure is working!

Miker