DH,
This exercise is not about you pouting and walking around communicating anger and hostility! It's just the oppposite! The trick is to communicate total acceptance and understanding of your WW's attitude with out allowing her to drag you into a discussion that can only lead to an argument.

To handle this kind of situation, you need to be very kind, civil and conversational. Just be sure that all verbal communication remains superficial and banal for the time being! You simply need to defuse the situation so that she isn't being given the amunition she needs to fule her anger toward you.

So what is your goal? To be generious in your attention when she demands it, to listen with out responding with your own opinion, to meet her EN's as far as you are able. Meanwhile, ask for nothing, offer nothing further and don't suggest anything that smacks of committment fromn her.

Just stay cool and learn to listen to her. I mean really listen! You will be shocked by what she will tell you if you just allow her to do all the talking!

coach

Sorry Guys...
I did not see your posts... the outer post said there were new posts... but when I looked inside... I did not see your replies...

SS...I agree about all the little things she does is her... and I need to accept that ... I have started to...

I do not look at this stuff as criticizing me... it is help...

I understand that we both have our self painted portraits of the situation... but I am willing to look at the whole picture with outside help... and she is not... that is the hard part... it is like she is hiding something or diverting attention... but I am not going to focus on that right now...

Coach... I am not pouting... she is... and I let her... I am not being angry... she is... I am being a good boy...

I am listening... but she has not been talking... either she is leaving the house or I am leaving the house... not in the same place at the same time...

Wed. was the first night she did not leave the house when I got home... that was kinda nice... but no words...

Last night my workplace had a special night at a local museum... she agreed to go with the family... no talk on the way there... then when we got home she informed me that she was leaving after the baby was asleep... that she need to go to Barnes and Nobles... to finish something up for counselor... at least she gave me a reason... and she said that she would be back after they closed... she kinda cracked a smile... and said... I now know I am not crazy about the way you make me feel... I said ok... but I would like to talk about it sometime... that she could not keep it all to herself for ever... and she said she knew... I said go have fun writing bad things about me... and she laughed...

Kinda ok... I guess... she told me what was going on and actually laughed...

Oh she said that she still thought that she could never agree to me controlling something for the rest of her life...

that comment stemmed from a convo. a week or so ago... when she asked me what i told the OM when he called to talk to me... and I told her that I was in the same position as before... NC for ever unless they agree to seek counsel about what has happened and realize that they were more that friends and that things could not go back to the way they were if any contact at all...

I told her that I was not making any ultimatums... but that this is the only way we could focus on us and our marriage...

She says she doesn't have a problem with the NC of the OM... it is the feeling that I can tell her something that she can't do for the rest of her life...

Controlling...

I said that we could deal with that during counseling...

She has a session tonight... I think that she will be going over this controlling issue that she says I have... that is fine we need to deal with those feelings... but I feel the need to resolve the OM issue... but I am willing to wait...

I can only hope and pray that she will sign the papers for our counselors to be able to talk...

Thanks again guys...

Well last night she had another counseling session...
She came home.... and I asked her if she was ok... she said yes then she started talking...

She tells me first off that she told her counselor that she didn't want to sign the papers that let our counselors talk... this is different than a week ago...

That made me so mad... on the inside of course...

She said that her counselor is the only safe place she has right now...

Whatever... she is not wanting her to see the whole picture...

Then she said that she married me... a controlling person... someone just liker her dad... that is how abused people are she said...

She said that her agreement to not talk to OM was so that nobody could say that he influenced her in any way once she makes her decision on what to do... not that she is wrong...

And that I was still controlling her by not letting them talk...

And that she was not going to let that happen for the rest of her life...

She says that she will just not live certain ways anymore in her life... and I asked her what she was saying by that and she would not tell me...

She told me that she is trying to get away from me... that is why she is not talking to me... and that she has felt the best ever this past week because she has been away from me... she feels freedom... out from under the oppression... etc...

I said I understand... of course being away from me is easy... and you feel better... that is running away from conflict and resolution... the things you don't want...

She says she has no "want" to fix things... that she is not going to anytime soon... if ever...

She says that she is stuck... because of Kids... and Christian beliefs... and that she cannot maker herself feel certain ways towards me...

So she is going to counseling to decide what she is going to do with her life... that is all she can say right now... she is in survival mode... and will not think about the future... not even about tomorrow...

She says she is done with me... and has had enough... and needs to understand herself and make plans to take care of herself... do those plans include me... right now... no...

So where does this leave me...

Sitting on a back burner...

She said I can make whatever decisions I want... that we are on our own paths...

I said I cannot have you treating me like Shyte all the time...

She said that she would leave then...

I said I don't know what to tell you...

She is really looking for cohabitation... She says that she will be ok with me with the kids around... but that she will give me nothing from or about her.... that she is turned off to me and I get nothing from her...

She says that I just don't get it... and that I cannot handle the truth... that she has no feelings for me... and that she has rage towards me for how I have turned her into an hollow shell of a person... that her dad started the process and that I finished it...

She says not only did we make a wrong decision to get married... I also treated her badly and emotionally drained her the rest of the way...

She says she feels she died at age 19 and became a robot... some object of mine that I molded into what I wanted and needed...

I controlled her to be what I wanted...

I said I am sorry if she feels this way... That why would I knowingly do such a thing... I asked her if she thought I would want a shell of a woman as a wife to cater to everything I wanted and then bolt someday after we have 3 kids... of course not... that I would have tried to change all the things in me that made her feel the way she did... if in fact I could have done something... or at least try to seek counsel on ways we could have made things better for her...

I don't know where to go from here...

Do I let her go... as in go to her brothers in CO for a month... or does that seem like a bad thing to do...

It gives her time to think about things... but does that give her time to see I can do this without him... and that things are so much better without having to deal with him...

I am a little lost at this point...

Based on my observations on this forum for about four and a half years, EVERY WS plays the "controlling" card against the BS.

It's in the script (along with all the revisionist history lessons).

They HAVE to play it. Why? Because the BS is resisting their fantasy. This is felt by them as controlling. If she declared she was going to fly to the moon, and you responded, "you can't" - that would be controlling to her.

When she plays this card, don't try to defend yourself or get into a discussion on it. Just smile to yourself that she is "normal" and thus, predictable. remember, you are not dealing with a rational person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastatedhubby:
<strong>it is like she is hiding something or diverting attention... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly - she's hiding within her unreality and diverting attention (blame for her unhappiness)from herself to everybody else - and you're the closest target.

Is she seeing a REAL counselor? Is this person in the phone book? What does the yellow pages ad say?

WAT

I have to admit that she is right in some areas... how much of it should I accept blame for... I don't know...

Could she have really felt no real love... could she have settled... should I have scared her... Is she trying to divert the OM issues... I believe all the answers are yes...

So what do you do in a case like this...

I know you will say it is fog talk... but what if what she is saying is true...

How can I expect her to love me... or make feelings for me... and do I want a forced love... because of kids...

I want real true love from a willing participant...

She is going to a christian counseling group of about 30 people... all marriage saving focused...

I am seeing a person there... and he assures me that he things something is not adding up...

But If she truly feels that way... what can I do or handle... I don't know...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastatedhubby:
<strong>She is going to a christian counseling group of about 30 people... all marriage saving focused...

I am seeing a person there... and he assures me that he things something is not adding up...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this a group in the same church of the same OM of the same Pastor - OM's Father - and "something is not adding up"?

Does this mean that "something" hasn't been fully exposed?

Did I miss something?

WAT

No... this is a counseling only group here in town... totally independent from our church... I actually made arrangements for our counseling...

She says no contact with OM... the other mans Father... the pastor... is aware that I am not ok with contact... for more reasons than I have been able to tell him... he gets the point... and agrees that it isn't right... without knowing all the details... and the OM says he understands where I am coming from and will not relate to her... even though he knows his intention was to be a good friend... but does admit that it was unhealthy and crossed some lines of marriage...

That family says that they are supportive of our marriage and want to help in any way... but my wife will not talk to them about it... will not even receive prayer from our pastor...

So the OM issue is not being talked about because I am controlling her and not letting her and also because she wants me to know that if she makes a decision to leave... that it is her decision... without OM influence...

She says that I just do not get that the OM is not the issue... it is that she made a wrong decision at 19 to marry me and kept up a lie and lived with my bad treatment too long... and will not take it any longer... and cannot say if she will ever get over it... or have feeling for me other than hate and disrespect for me ever...

all she admits to at this point is that she feels better without me...

And she is going to counseling to decide what she needs to do with her life...

I am on my own!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastatedhubby:
<strong> She says that I just do not get that the OM is not the issue... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, she's exactly right that OM is not the issue. I think you understand that, right?

But do not for a minute believe the rest of her revisionist history.

As long as she is playing the "controlling" card, she's still experiencing the dopamine high OM provided.

So, OM is not the issue - he merely represents the symptoms of the issue. The fever of the virus. The issue is the poor state of your marriage that existed pre-affair.

But when SHE says OM is not the issue, she means that the lack of the feeling she got from OM is the issue and you do not provide that same feeling. She thinks that you CANNOT provide that same feeling, but she's wrong. You clearly can and did in the past. The stagnant state of the marriage allowed the feeling to fade. She resorts to the revisionist history to support her claim that you cannot provide the feeling.

Plan A your butt off and wait out the withdrawal and denial. This is the time to become a model citizen and fill as many ENs as she'll let you and be independent. Figure out a way to be mysterious. DO NOT come at her every call. Be a little aloof. Give her something to wonder about.

WAT

I understand that he is not the issue... but I do not believe that what i have done isn't forgivable... and fixable... not that it needs to be now...

I just hate the fact that she is trying this powertrip thing... and telling me she is gonna drive this car...

That she is making a decision that effects our family all on her own... without even considering others... all because she needs to take care of herself...

Come on... how selfish...

I know she needs to gain a sense of self, strength, and set boundaries... but those all need to be in check with the word and will of God... not out of hate and revenge...

She is trying to make me pay... she is being emotionally abusive... she is becoming what she doesn't like...

Is this the "I reap what I sow" story?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastatedhubby:
<strong>She is trying to make me pay... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Selfish, yes.

Make you pay? You just happen to be the root of all evil, public enemy number 1, the scourge of the Earth - you and all the other BSs out there.

This is "normal" WS guilt shifting.

SHE certainly isn't responsible, so you MUST BE!

Humor her.

Is this the "I reap what I sow story?"

Not fully, not yet, IMHO. For now, only to the extent that you contributed to the poor state of the marriage. But you clearly did not make the decision to stray from your marriage in the way she did. So, you're reaping practically ALL of it right now. She's reaping a bit, but not her fair share. She likely will before long. And in the end, you WILL reap what you're sowing now, I promise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

I will keep trying... I am just not sure if she will be able to turn around with this once a week counseling thing... and I am not sure if I can keep strong every week... between now and her deciding to "turn this mother out"... it is just a slap in the face on top of another when she says and does what she does... and I am still trying to decipher what is real and what is fogtalk...

If I only knew... that she could and would turn around at some point... that would make things better!

DH,

I'm going through the sam exact thind - minus the marriage counseling. Yesterday I got "I hate you". Later an I'm sorry. Wednesday at dinner my son asked her how old she was when she got married - she said 'too young' - 22 just out of college - young by NYC standards I was 26. Her problems started almost as soon as she married me (according to her).

Right she hates me, will never get over this, wants to seperate (but trapped, no where to go, stay for the kids, etc). It does sound like a script.

All I can say is I hope these folks are right and things turn around. I was reading some book and they had an idea on charting 'baby steps'. Set ultimate goals for your marriage. Then think very short term. Something like kiss me hello when I get home. When its reached set the next baby step and so forth. This way you can refer back and see progress.

But there is the very real possibility things don't get better. She may very well decide on life without me. I try to not think or plan about that. When and if it comes to that I'll figure out how to survive. Thinking about it can drive you nuts. I know you can't shut it out, but try.

The taking care of yourself works because it gets you out of their 'space'. They are replused by you right now. Don't be in their face. It gets you doing something else with your life. I go to a gym a couple of nights and have AA meetings another 1 or 2. It helps when you're out of the hostile environment.

I'm going on 2 months of her abuse already. Hey if it works great. If not I tried right? Yeah I'll be very misirable, but things do get better with time. Case in point - I was defastated with the break up of my high school sweet heart of 3 years when I was 21. It took a year and a new girl friend to feel decent again. At 21 I never dreamed I'd be married to the girl of my dreams at 26 - started dating (commited) by 24. I heard my high school sweat heart got married last spring (again) - know what I truly thought? Good for her.

DH,

I scanned through this thread and read your posts. Here's my $.02.

1. Your W is fog babbling big time. Don't fall for it. She has to make you look bad. Logic won't hold up if she admits she is having an EA even if it is only in her head.

2. Ask OM's dad to fix his boy up with a someone good for him. MW's are not good partner choices. OM maybe nice but he is too involved with your W.

3. Expect that some sort of contact is still on going. Your W does not seem like the kind that can go cold turkey. Her shift in nice moods could mean someone has been filling her selfish WS ENs and you are getting the benefit but it still doesn't feel good.

4. When you plan A well you make it increasing difficult for the WS to maintain their cold and cruel exterior. They try because that fuels their A. Don't expect anyone associated with the OM or WS to be your real supporters. Let them show you they are. Even OM's parents are t/b watched with caution. Remember that is their son and his happiness c/b more important than what is right.

Nonetheless, plan A the best you can until you have completed that task. If she is still a wicked WS and not being stable in her recovery, then consider moving to plan B. It is for your protection not the WS. You never want to protect the WS. You want to protect your W but not the WS. Do you see the difference?

As to your question on the other thread about holding onto someone while in the car they are running outside the car. That w/b applied after a good plan A and B are done. AT that point moving forward without the WS w/b necessary. Especially if you are the one on the outside of the car. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Learning how to reverse babble will help you from falling prey to the WS horrible verbal attacks. You should start NOT meeting her needs. She is using you right now to enable her A even if it is only in her head (or it maybe with another OM). Make sure you can tell when she is and how to put a stop or avoid it.

L.

Thanks for the replies guys...

I am pretty much feeling numb...

My wife informed me last week that we would not be exchanging V-day gifts and would not be going out... that hurt... as stupid as it sounds...

Then friday she informed me that she was going to all girls V-day party that night... It was at pastors wife's house... she came home at 2a.m.

Then Sat a.m. she was still very distant... I asked her if she had fun... and all I got was pretty much one word answers... the only thing she really said was that there were a few ladies that I really don't care for there... and she informed me that she had a blast and that I was afraid of these two ladies because the are powerful and that I could not control them...

I was like... WTH...

So anyway she left the house for several hours with one of our kids... just to get out and away from me... then i went out for the evening with a friend...

This friend was one of our best friends before kids... he and his wife used to spend days in a row with us for years... like three days a weekend going out to movies dinner parks and such...

Me and his kinda butted heads for a while and that is when they started noticing that my wife was starting to pull back... and they saw her hanging with this OM...

So he recently contacted me to strike things up and I had to tell him why I was so down... and he was floored but not shocked... he thought that the OM being around and taking my wife out was weird and didn't have a good feeling about it... he said... "hey I never asked to take your wife out to dinner and a movie... and we are best friends"

So I started to ask him what he thought of our relationship back then... and he said that he thought all things were great... that we were a couple...

He said he saw nothing of what my wife is speaking... he said of course no marriage is perfect... and that he and his wife have had a few sit down heart to hearts in the past... but... he did not see that I was killing my wife slowly as my wife states...

So he felt that I should shed some light on the OM subject with my pastor... I am 99% there...

So sunday was same ole no talk... went to church... then we ate at her parents... she acted all ok... then when we pulled out to go home... silent treatment till nap time...

We woke up and started feeding the kids... then she informed me that she was going to a friends house because her wife was working the late shift... she came home around 12... again no words... straight to the couch...

One small side note...

She has been keeping this book bag around with all of her personal things in it... her journal... her writings about me being emotionally abusive... and some self help books... she tells me that she does not trust me enough to leave them around the house... she puts things on top of it every time it sits alone... So I could easily take the thing off and then replace it after reading what she has in the bag... But I have not...

So last night it made me chuckle when she grabbed it and started to walk out the door... she called me on it...

I said that I wish that she would understand that if I wanted to see what was in it that I could find a way to read what was inside... but that i told her that i wouldn't and that she can be safe with my word... that I knew that she placed things on top of it in certain ways... and that I am trying to show her that i trust her and am not going into her personal space...

She got all mad at me and said... this is the only personal space I have in this whole worlds... this little bag...

And I said that all I was trying to say to her was that if she is being truly honest with me and I am to trust her as to her whereabouts and NC with OM.. than she has to start trusting and having faith in me...

She stormed out... said she cold not trust me... and that I have already probably read what was in her bag... and she pulled out of the driveway...

Do you all have any read on this before I say what I am feeling...

One more question... Is it ok for me to ask her about the NC... I have not mentioned it for a few weeks... I feel if I don't ask her that she will not tell me... she did that in the past... not that I want to start something...

Oh... and she isn't wearing her wedding rings anymore... that was a nice slap in the face...

Yesterday V-day was not horrible... she said not to get her anything... so I didn't... just a letter from me...

Nothing too pushy... just things that I admired about her as a person... things that she does not see about herself...

It was all about her... no talk of me or no talk of fixing things... just how good and strong of a person she really is... I know we got married young... and I know that her dad had her second guessing herself on everything... I know she is smart and able to do anything she puts her mind to with the help of God...

The only thing I said at the end was...

I just hope that in 11 more years we can look back, wherever we are at, laugh and say... what were we doing... and why did we do it for so long...

I sat the letter on the table... and did not speak to her about it...

I did my part...

I am a FWW just coming out of the fog and I have to reply to you! I truly think that the only thing that will save your marriage is to expose this affair to your parents, hers and the pastor and his wife. Your wife and the OM are "good people" and the secrecy is feeding the affair! They are continuing and that is why they needed to talk alone. Your wife will be mad, but she wants to be moral and you can then lead her to help. This website has been so good for me to see how typical all of my fog feelings were! It actually gives me hope that things can get better! When the affair is exposed, the lying and secrecy cannot feed it and if you can act kindly and continue with PLan A, she will have first good feelings she has had for you in months. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong, but she and her OM are POWERLESS right now to stop it. Only by facing the truth and shame and then grieving the loss can she come out of it. You can direct her to this site and to another one that someone here recommended to me called www.savemymarriagecentral.com which has a "reclamation" forum for people to talk about giving up the other man. IT IS AN ADDICTION!! Just constantly tell her that you love her and that when she is able (meaning after grieving the loss of the OM) you BOTH WILL WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND THE PROBLEMS THAT EXISTED BEFORE THE OM. I can promise she needs constant reminding of that because the OM has been the medication that she has taken to relieve whatever suffering she has felt in the marriage. Good luck and I just know that it will get better. Ignore all of the mean things she says in her fog too!!!

OK my post has been kinda dormant... but I am not sure where I stand with my wife at this point...

She has been cold shouldering me for weeks... I cannot take much more of her downright disrespect...

Yesterday my son was sent home sick after throwing up in the hallway... kinda traumatic for a 6yr old... she didn't call and tell me... or let him talk to me about it...

I would have called her in an instant... I told her I was hurt that she would not inform me of such a thing... and she said that she did not want to talk to me... that is why she didn't call... because I would analyze that if she called that she is in a better place... willing to talk to me... and she says she isn't...

I asked her to please just be courteous about everyday things... and she said she was not wanting too... and that I was a better person because I am trying to be mister goody... but she was not going to... right or wrong...

She said that she could not live with me... that maybe she could be kinda normal if she didn't feel like she was being trapped, followed, analyzed... but that she had nowhere to go... and she was not willing to leave the kids...

I said I am not wanting separation... but if she and her counselor thought it best to get out for a while that I might be willing to let her...

I don't know what to think or do about this one... let her feel free and able to make her own decisions... and deal with her anger on her own... without making my life miserable...

Is this a good or horrible thing... we are in a viscous circle of hurt... but she is not able to change her feelings being so wrapped up in how she feels about me on a daily basis...

I don't think it is all that good... but when do you say... do what you have to do...

She asked me what am I going to do if it can't be worked out... and I told her that I can do nothing... I am in this for the long haul... and that I would not agree... but you can do what you want to do being an adult... I cannot stop you... and she said... no you can't... with a smirk...

This all stemmed from her leaving for the night to go to barnes and nobles... I got home at 5 and she had already started to get the kids ready so that she could leave for the eve. She was getting all dolled up... eye makeup... black clingy shirt... glitter lipgloss... and I could not be happy for her to go out... so she asked me what was wrong... and she knew...

I said that I do not mind her going out... it is that she tries to do things that would make me upset... like saying that she was going to B*N and wouldn't explain what she was doing... for 4 hrs... I know last week she was doing something for her counselor... and she told me... not that I need to know... but after what she put me through with the OM... I feel like she could at least tell me that she was going to do some more studying about relationship... and that she felt nasty from cleaning all day so she got cleaned up to feel better about herself... and that she would be home later...

She said... I am going out... and why should it matter where and why I am going...

So I said it doesn't matter... it just helps me feel better about what is going on... I said... I tell you exactly where and what I am doing... as a courtesy... just to fill you in... always have... and she used to...

I said you are trying to make a point to me that you do not have to be accountable to our relationship... even after what she has done with the OM...

I still didn't ask her if she was keeping the NC with OM... I know that would have shooting through the roof...

Anyway...

I do have a little more counselor info... she refused to let her counselor talk to mine last week... that was a change of mind from the previous week... but anyway... I did not realize that my counselor had still told her my side of things... so now her counselor is up to speed on the OM... something that she had not told her counselor about other than she had a guy friend that I was not ok with and trying to control her by not letting them talk...

So my counselor had good feeling that her counselor will go down the right roads now other than just thinking that I am an emotionally abusive husband that is controlling the hell out of his wife... and that I am just trying to keep this EA from growing...

She has session tonight... we will see... could be ok... or could be a disaster... hey I got 50/50 odds :-)

Any comments would be greatly appreciated...

hello ...needin some help here:-)

Well... new news... she called me this a.m. and told me she couldn't live like this anymore... that she needed to get away... so she asked me how to do this... and I said you can move out... and she said that doesn't work well... I said I was sorry... she asked... can't you move out to give me space and to let me keep the kids as normal as we can...

and I said i don't think so...

That I should support her when she needs space for an undisclosed amount of time ? and make it easier for her... is that right of her to ask...

Sh then told me that she was not even knowing where to go to get D advice... who to call... how to get an attorney... etc...

I said you are asking me to help you figure out what will happen in a divorce?

She said she wanted to weigh all options... i said there are only two options... stay and work on things... or divorce...

I said you know what needs to happen if we are to work on things and try to make it happen...

and I have told you about D before... i cannot agree to it... but it is your call... I cannot do it for you...

She said she could stay for the kids but that she cannot begin to think about a life with me...

Whatever...

So I am really up to my nose in this one...

She is choosing the easy way out...

I don't know what to say to her...

She says I am trying to hurt her by taking the kids away...

I told her we are a family and that I cannot just step out of the picture... it against my heart and my beliefs...

She says we could make it work out ok for the kids... like being nice to each other and such during visitation swaps... and I said I do not think that that helps the kids better than staying and working things out like I know we can...


Am I too late... what am I to do... let her go or make things hard on her to leave... I don't know where to go from here...

I am starting to feel all alone... I hope I have not offended anyone... I feel like I am talking to myself...

Anyway... my wife had her session last night... came home and wanted to chat right away... I was ok with that... the first thing she said had me a little uneasy... she said she told her counselor that she needed away from me to let the anger and resentment stop building... that she cannot see me trying all these good things and not feel angry towards me... she says I am making her wanna puke with all this saying the right things... doing the right things... and she cannot be around me with those feelings and try to get herself sorted out...

So her counselor told her that she sees that she is going to separate with or without her help... so she said that she had just read a book about this type of separation... a separation that is temp. with counselors involved... like we both read the book... then we use our counselors to mediate how long she will be gone... that there is no contact other than kids... no talk of relationship... how financial things come into play... etc...

My wife was pretty excited... but not that she would have to leave 2 of the 3 kids with me... she said it would be hard...

She thinks that if this book plan sounds good to us that she will go to her Brothers in CO for a while to sort herself out and weigh her options... commit to M or D...

I told her the honest truth... that i was not really up for separation... but if that is her choice... I cannot changer her mind...

I told her that it was not that i didn't want her to have space... but that I know that most of the time it makes D easier because you have been living apart... and it is easy...

One step closer to divorce...

She says it is a risk we might have to take...

What do you guys think...

Please respond... I feel like I have made you guys mad or something... I really don't have anyone else to talk to...

Thanks

DH,

I feel for you - I really do. Maybe this is for the best. It will get you independent and off your butt (if you've been sitting on it. You do have the kids to bind you.

Do your kids know this is coming and what it really is? Not just a vacation? That should get you both thinking.

Maybe this will be an eye opener. Just worry about yourself and 2 of your kids right now. SHe'll call you'll get to chit chat.