Hi

I read your post about reporting the ow, but I need advice on reporting my H. In my case, the ow isn't military. All I was told is that if the investigation showed that he cheated, he would get an Article 15 and lose rank/plus pay. Part of me wants to do it so bad, to show him he can't get away with what he has done. Besides, he knew it was illegal to cheat on your wife in the Army. AND he could of gotten away with it b/c she is in another state, but he wanted me to find out. He wants a divorce and claims he talked to a lawyer. He left Sunday night after I caught the OW calling my house, but he was back after about 8 hours or so. He has been here ever since. Bags are still packed, but in the house. Any advice you want to give me, I will love to hear! BTW, he will be getting a medical discharge soon and then I think only getting disability which isn't a lot of money.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I would report it. The sooner the better.

I waited WAY to long and regret it.

Let me ask you a question though...

1 - Who told you he would get the Article 15? Did you hear it from someone in the chain of command or from another source?


I had been told everything from the military will sweep it under the rug to they'll kick him out and he'll lose everything.

Both of those were intimidating to me. I was scared for my WH and his future chances of employment. I was scared he would never forgive me for doing it. I was scared it would ruin any chances of recovery. I was scared I would look like an out of control psycho wife who only wanted to nail her WH and OW to the wall.

Last one is partly true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chances are what will happen will fall somewhere in between everything you hear.

There is no chance for your marriage unless this affair stops. Being in the military, you have a weapon to stop it at your disposal. If you don't use it, you aren't doing EVERYTHING you can to stop the affair. You are wasting a very valuable resource. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it sure does up your odds of ending it.

There are consequences to exposing, don't get me wrong. You may not be able to save your marriage in the end. But it won't be because you exposed that it wouldn't work out.

He knew the risks involved having an A. He chose to do it anyway.

One thing that hit me was that I was not only enabling the A by not reporting it to the chain of command, I was parenting my WH by protecting him from his own actions. Why was I more concerned for his career and future than he was?

If you were robbed, you'd call the police, right?

Well, you've been robbed of the sanctity of your marriage.

Call the police and let them do their work.

WAT IF YOU'RE READING....STOP HERE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As one of the Great Ones advised me....

Please do not deny her (or in your case, him) this life experience. - WAT

WAT - YOU CAN READ NOW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Good luck to you! I hope this helps. In the end though, you have to do what is right for you and your situation.

1 - Who told you he would get the Article 15? Did you hear it from someone in the chain of command or from another source?

Yes! I called his commander and told him I wanted to know who to contact b/c H said he got a lawyer. He then got me the number of who I should call (H is National Guard and we aren't near a base). He let me know that if I tell the legal NCO that H had an affair, they will conduct a formal investigation and that could result in an Article 15.

Investigation? Like will they contact the OW? I have tons of info on her, phone numbers, address, where she works...cell phone bills, emails..he is busted lol
I agree with you! I know reporting him will make him hate me even more, but he knew what he is doing and if I let it go, he will just continue to think what he is doing is ok. He is planning on going to see her as soon as he can. LOL he doesn't know that his commander is NOT going to approve any leave time b/c know he knows he is having an affair.

From what I understand from WH's chain of command, once he heard about the A he was in danger of losing HIS job if he didn't fully investigate. He was a captain.

The first seargent said the same thing. So, if you call and give them any of the information they are obligated to fully investigate. I can't tell you for sure if they would contact the OW. Depending on your evidence it may not be worth it.

Keep in mind also that the evidence that the military would need to proceed with an article 15 is much less than you would need in a civil court. The military has their own way of dealing with rule breakers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You should only need to hand over the emails and phone records. If it's fairly obvious he's in fact having the A, they'll deal with it from there.

In my case, they told OW and WH that if they ever saw each other or spoke to each other again they would do the full investigation.

Idiots were talking the next day....course that was a given since he was staying at her quarters!

Anyway, he'll be mad and he'll blame you. At first. It'll wear off the same way the anger over any other exposure does.

It's himself he should be mad at and that fact will eventually hit him.

I say go for it. NOW. Don't wait. Every day you enable the affair by protecting them is another day you'll have to heal from if you do save your marriage.

Hey, let me weigh in here. I am a former inspector general (IG) with the Army, and with the National Guard.

Contact your state IG's office immediately. I am not sure what state your husband is a member of the NG in, but find out the number to STARC headquarters. At his armory, there is posted on the bulletin board a letter from the Adjutant General with the IG's phone number. it should be on the section of the bulletin board entitled "PERMANENT."

Now, that being said,,,what will the IG do? Well, as a former IG, I used to be on "sex patrol." That is what we called having to deal with cases of adultery and homosexuality. The IG has no choice but to investigate the allegations. Once investigated, he reports directly to the commanding general (in STARC's case, it will be the Adjutant General). He will give the investigation results to the CG, who will then consult with the JAG. The CG will then order your husband (or will probably order your husbands commander to order your husband) to cease all contact with the OW. If he violates that, he will then be guilty of not only adultery and conduct unbecoming...but also disobeying a direct order. That is NEVER good!! If people remember about 15 years ago, the nation's first woman B52 bomber pilot was caught in adultery. She was ordered to cease contact with the OM (he was a civilian and married...she wasnt married). She disobeyed the order...and that landed her in HOT water!!

So, this will be the minimum that will happen. From there, the CG or his commander can decide to charge him with violation of the UCMJ and issue an Article 15. He could lose rank and up to 2 months pay. He could possibly be dishonorably discharged (although, that isnt probable unless other charges are also included).

Basically, he will probably be ordered to never contact the OW as long as he is still married.

Now, why the IG? Well, you see, the legal process in the Army, while different in many ways than civilian law, is the same in the fact that in a court martial, ou need "beyond a reasonable doubt." That is like saying that you need overwhelming evidence.

The IG does not need beyond a reasonable doubt to make a ruling. He only needs a "preponderence of the evidence." Now these may sound the same, but they are very different. Beyond a reasonable doubt is like saying that you need over 75% evidence (this is just an illustration). Preponderence is 50.1%. Do you see? The JAG would need overwhelming evidence to convict of any UCMJ charge. The IG can have your husband "convicted" by the CG with enough evidence that it just appears that it is true. Even the appearance of impropriety is enough.

The last thing the IG will do is make sure that no one sweeps things under the rug. Not the CG, not your husband's commander. So, justice will definitely be served.

I so wish society in general had many of the laws we have in the military. To be charged with adultery as a crime. To hvae WSs be ordered not to have contact with the OP, with continued contact resulting on stiff penalties.

Think about this...the marriage contract is the only legal contract you can break in America without penalties. At least in most states.

Anyway, if you have any other questions, I can definitely help.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortarman - Thank you for that info. I've been right in the middle of all this recently and didn't even realize some of what you pointed out. Good to know.

mom - Are any of those emails by chance sent to or from a military account? The sexually explicit email from OW to WH from her army email account is what did her in. It took her WAY over the adultry, conduct unbecoming and disobeying a direct order line.

Mortarman can I get your email address? I have lots of questions for you!

No, the emails are from an hotmail account. While he is supposed to be working he is emailing her. Now being a woman, I can tell from these emails that she has somebody else. She told my H that she goes out to lunch, dinner with other guys but that's it. Plus, my H was being flirty in the emails and she cut him off, saying she needs to go to lunch. My H is such a liar! He is telling her that every night he goes to his Grandma's house! He lives here with me and still sleeps in the same bed with me! I want to tell her so bad, but I'm not dropping down to their level.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MomToLilRobandJadabug:
<strong> He lives here with me and still sleeps in the same bed with me! I want to tell her so bad, but I'm not dropping down to their level. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure how to let her know, but letting her know that is not dropping down to their level. I believe it's imperitive that she know that.

Are you sure she knows he's married?

Hey, I try not to give out my email address to women. not a hit on you, but since I am married...and you are married...the last thing either of us need is a perception of impropriety.

That being said, since everyone is anonymous here, you wont have any problems posting here. So, let me know what your questions are and I'll try to help.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MomToLilRobandJadabug:
<strong> He lives here with me and still sleeps in the same bed with me! I want to tell her so bad, but I'm not dropping down to their level. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure how to let her know, but letting her know that is not dropping down to their level. I believe it's imperitive that she know that.

Are you sure she knows he's married? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ohhhh yes she knows! H told her he was married about 2 1/2 weeks after they met. Then, when I found her number I called and told her. They talk about me, even in their emails. SO you think I should tell her? I've talked to her before and of course she lied and told me it was over between them and they were just friends and that SHE tells him he needs to work it out with me blah blah blah. Now that I have read their emails she is totally on his side. Well, I also have a feeling she is playing games with him. When you live so close to an Army base and you so quickly fell *in love* with a married man who lives a few states away and you have guy *friends* who take you out a lot, but they are just friends, hmmm I am sure she is messing around with a lot of guys.

I can call her and tell her what is really going on, but she will tell H and then he will get mad at me and that might ruin my plan. I just got another job, so now I will be working 2 jobs, and I really need his help. Pissing him off now wont be good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong>

Contact your state IG's office immediately. I am not sure what state your husband is a member of the NG in, but find out the number to STARC headquarters. At his armory, there is posted on the bulletin board a letter from the Adjutant General with the IG's phone number. it should be on the section of the bulletin board entitled "PERMANENT."


Okay, here is some background info on H. Maybe this will help you help me heheheh

He is in the NG in CA. He is trying to get out due to medical problems. He used to be active duty army but got out and then a few months later got called up with the NG. So right now he goes to a lot of doctors appt and works very part time with one other guy from his unit (rear D). H doesn't talk to me, so I really don't know much about his situation. I do know he will be going to a medical board. I called the guy who is in charge of him and I told him that H wants a divorce and talked to a lawyer. I just wanted to know what help I had through the Army. After I told him H cheated and I told him all the proof I had, he gave me a few phone numbers to call and an email address. Then, he told me that he must first warn me if I choose to tell them that H cheated they will investigate and all that. He didn't know much about the whole thing, but he did say he could lose rank and pay.

We are not doing that well financially right now, since H came home. So my plan is to work two jobs, starting tomorrow, pay off some of my debt, get out of the lease we are in now, move somewhere cheaper, and then report him. That way I know financially I will be ok. Is this a good idea? Or should I just report him now since the process might take a while?

If H gets out on medical and is only getting disability, will most of that go to me for child support?

During the investigation, will they contact the OW?

If hubby gets an Article 15, does it go on his record? Meaning will he have a hard time finding a job or will it just ruin his Army career? Doesn't matter since he wants to get out anyways.

Thanks for your help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />



</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Bump!

Okay Mom...let me try to answer your questions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are not doing that well financially right now, since H came home. So my plan is to work two jobs, starting tomorrow, pay off some of my debt, get out of the lease we are in now, move somewhere cheaper, and then report him. That way I know financially I will be ok. Is this a good idea? Or should I just report him now since the process might take a while?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dont know. You decide. But I do know the closer he gets to being medically boarded, the less likely they will do anything, since he will be getting out. so, if it were me, then I'd do it now. But you decide.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If H gets out on medical and is only getting disability, will most of that go to me for child support? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure about that. When you talk to the IG, you can ask him that. I dont have the regulations here in front of me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">During the investigation, will they contact the OW? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They might!! But I wouldnt count on it. Look, the IG really doesnt need it. If you have proof, then he will take it and put your husband under oath. And they will ask him about the situation. If he answers truthfully, then he has admitted to adultery and they will proceed. But if he doesnt, then they will further investigate to prove not only adultery, but lying under oath (which is a felony punishable of upto 10 years in jail). He will be read all of that before he is questioned. Believe me, he wont take the chance on lying!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If hubby gets an Article 15, does it go on his record? Meaning will he have a hard time finding a job or will it just ruin his Army career? Doesn't matter since he wants to get out anyways. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. It can. If he gets a company grade Article 15, it can be deleted later (usually after a year). But if they order him not to see WO (and then he does), or he lies or something like that, then it will almost certainly go to a field grade Article 15...and it will haunt him the rest of his life. That is like having a felony on your record.

I hope that helps some. Contact the CANG IG. In the meantime, figure out what you are doign about your marriage. it may be over, in which case, you are going to have to rely on yourself anyway. Or, using the MB principles, you may just get your real husband back.

But, first thing is exposure...and everyone needs to know. Family, close friends. And the IG.

In His arms.