D-day 12/20/04, Can't stop thinking about A,Not alot of talk between WW and I. Some but not alot.
How do you deal with the thoughts of them, They had 1 time PA, month or 2 EM. Thoughts, comparisons effecting the intamacy when we try. not sure how to deal. any insight would be great. Original thread on just found out, so lost. please help!

dzdn-

Did you actually catch them in the act, or the SF between them is just going through your mind when you are trying to have SF with your wife?

Has the affair ended? Was a No Contact(NC) letter written up and sent to the OM?

By the way, she may have said it was only physical once.....but you can't believe what they tell you when this is going on and only 1/2 of what you see (so I've been told), you have to plan A the best you can while you've got her there.

Do you have the His needs/Her Needs book and surviving an affair???? You need to read these BOTH...also, print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on this site...print it out twice and you fill out a copy and have your WW fill out a copy, so you know EXACTLY which needs you weren't meeting....(No way my WH would do this....but if you can get her to it would be really helpful to you.)

I hope everything goes okay for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Caren, I did not catch them in the act. It is just going through my mind. Male comparison issues, Is he better,what did he do, what was her reaction,did it go all night,How much passion must of been involved. Probably pretty stupid stuff. I really don't know how to explain.
No letter to the OM was written, just communication w OM'S W. She has told me his game plan, And I like his plan, I believe that it is over, and a 1 time thing based on W attitude.
They still work for the same co. but not together. She no longer stays out of town when she visits the client, which, he has cut her time there to almost nothing. She is looking for a new job.
I have read, HNHN, after the affair, sex begins in the kitchen, all very good books. and love must be tough,(a terrible book.)I do not recommend this one. She has not read as of yet, I asked her to, but, not convinced she wants to. She is still in The Fog. So I am giving a little space, and going to MC, reluctantly. I have been tempted to call OM but, worried he will tell W and blow everything up. I am not ready for that yet!
I believe it was physical once because of opportunity. Although The EA built up over a couple months. Most of the history is on the thread, JUST FOUND OUT under SO LOST/ HELP W/ WW
Thank you for your post and will keep reading and learning all that is offered. This is such a great site. Amazing.

It has been a hard couple of days, would still like some input on my issue, if anyone can relate.

I can completely relate to your images of them. In my case, I actually asked my H EVERYTHING. I know all about what they did. I even asked about it being better, and the feelings involved. My H only did the physical part twice, also because of opportunity. He told me they planned to take a whole day off of work to "be together" but it ended before that could happen. I actually think more about that, b/c I imagine them doing much more that whole day.
I am not sure how your W feels, but also for me, I wanted to know what they did so that I could "reclaim" it for my own. And, so I would know if he kept anything just between us. He did, thank God!
I wish I could tell you how to deal, but I can only tell you how I do it. I hope things get better for you, and know that you are not alone! We have all been through this! Isn't it a comfort that you're not crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Take care!

Hello Dzd,

I can completely relate to what you're feeling. Our D-Day was 7/6/04. Now, I'm a female, so what helped me might not help you, but I found that asking my H pointed and specific questions and getting honest answers really helped me (not immediatley but over the past 6+ months since D-Day).

Turns out, the actual sex they had was nothing compared to what I had invisioned in my mind. Now my H says that if I had been the one that had the A, he wouldn't want details, so maybe men are different in that regard. But for me, I had a need to know. The MC thought it was a bad idea, but I felt allowing the secrecy of their A to remain hidden from me and "just between the two of them" would only keep the fires burning and add to the mystique and allure. I wanted to expose it to the light of day. Also, I think actually hearing himself talk about it out loud helped my H realize how stupid and non-sensical (sp?) the whole thing was.

One other thing, think back to your single days... I don't know if you had sexual realtionships with women other than your wife b/4 you got married, but if you did, how often was the first time with a girl just "OH MY GOD...MIND BLOWING!!!!"??? I know some guys say even the worst sex is good, but girls don't feel that way. I'm sure the actual event didn't meet the fantasy expectations either one of them had dreamed up in their heads. I mean, they carried on this EA for a while b/4 the PA, so you know they built this up in their minds to be something amazing...that is alot of pressure. Do you really think that one time (of awkward first time sex) with this guy in any way compares to all of the years of making love with her husband, whom she loves? When she comes out of the fog she'll be saying, "What in the world was I even thinking???"

Good luck with those movies in your head. They haven't stopped for me, but they sure are less frequent now than they were when I was at your stage post D-Day. -SNS

I realize that men and women think differently, But having a woman's insight is always helpful. I am not sure I want to know the details or not, I mean, really, sex is pretty simplistic. I know what it was like the firs time with a new girl, But is it the same for a woman, who initiated it,I am more scared, intimidated about the passion and enthusiasm (SP)she had for it. That is something that has been missing for some time w/ us. All the stuff, was he better,have more control,size. more caring, goes through my mind and I get performance anxiety, when actually all that stuff I suppose doesn't matter. But we don't talk about anything let alone that stuff. It has only been a month. not sure where to be at this point. We have only tried SF twice, and it has not been very good. I have only been w/ a couple people in my life, And the I am her 2nd (now 3rd).So nothing really to compare with.
So much hurt now. Maybe after the fog????? Did you trust your WS what he told you? My W/ had only 1 time, Not sure what she thought beforehand. Thanks, I will just ponder your advise and keep reading these threads. Any little bit helps.

Hello Dazed.

First, let me say that I could've written what you did within the first couple of months after D-Day.

You are not going crazy. You are not alone in having those terrible, terrible thoughts.

I still don't necessarily believe that I know ALL of the details of the A's (multiple ones in our case...see my sig). Couple of months ago, I was able to make my peace with that. I mean, she betrayed me in every way a woman can betray a man. For YEARS. What physical details hold a candle to that? For me, after a few months, I realised none did.

As far as..ahem..performance anxieties. Well, you aren't alone in that either. I think that my SO having her A's was probably the biggest blow to my self-esteem and my ego since...heck, I don't know that it wsan't THE worst one, period.

IF you have decided that you want that intimacy back, are able emotionally to give it, and your W is at least not averse to the idea, here is what I did.

This will be a little blunt, so let me apologise in advance if anyone is easily offended.

It comes down to Plan A working just as well in the bedroom as anywhere else. Let it be about her pleasure. I mean, as husbands, we have an advantage in knowing pretty well what our spouses enjoy between the sheets. If your body is uncooperative, use what you have above the waistline. Foreplay is your friend. And not to be too blunt, but I know that a couple of times proving to myself that I could still give her that sort of pleasure did wonders for my sexual confidence. I still sometimes have those terrible thoughts while we are having SF. This still works for me, but is less and less necessary as time goes on(practically speaking).

I hope this helps, and know that there are many here that can sympathise absolutely with you.

Keep your chin up!

-OAK

Had a bad nightmare lastnight. woke up very ubrubtly, body shaking, real graphic dream. very odd one too. Woke W up,(with reaction). She put her hand on me, asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told her about it,(most of it, just some of the details), she held me a little bit, when I asked her for some info on the evening, would not discuss it. only she didn't think it would help. We do not talk much if any about that evening. How long should I expect to wait before we can talk openly about stuff.(not just the sex)just events around the evening. please advise.

Had a bad nightmare lastnight. woke up very ubrubtly, body shaking, real graphic dream. very odd one too. Woke W up,(with reaction). She put her hand on me, asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told her about it,(most of it, just some of the details), she held me a little bit, when I asked her for some info on the evening, would not discuss it. only she didn't think it would help. We do not talk much if any about that evening. How long should I expect to wait before we can talk openly about stuff.(not just the sex)just events around the evening. please advise.