Not sure if I should start new threads or keep posting to old opnes, esp when the subject changes. Here is the recent drama: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=036162

OK, here is the thing:

1) Somehow MC appt time got confused and we are re-scheduled for Friday afternoon.

2) WH was still wanting to talk so we drove around and talked... he says he feels "better" and wants to work on "healing"... still not moving back in... also shares some really nasty (stomach turning) sexual abuse that he remembers vividly... GAG! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

3) Had to go to DD's(4) preschool... his check bounced and we want to put her back in tomorrow, let her routine continue. This is a Christian preschool (baptist, but not our new "home" church though) and her teacher is a beautiful soul. We told her what was going on so that she could be able to properly help DD through this time, she adores DD and DD adores her! WH says something about "recently" we separted, blah, blah, blah. I corrected him & said the A was going on for about a month now, so it is not just the last week things have been rough... She says she will pray for us, tells us she loves us both, etc. No judgements, no recriminations, not that I expected that. I expected just what we got, she really is a such a gentle, loving person. Still, WH later is mad that I told her about the A... says it is none of her business. I am of the mindset that it should be as real and honest as possible, esp for people who are praying for us.

4) A friend of WH (mgr at the gym) was keeping DD and DS (half day at shcool) so we could run and do this. I stay over and talk to her a bit when I go to get them. Keep in mind she already knows. Apparently OW has been running her mouth, saying "if she (me) calls here again tell her..." I haven't called there since the day I spoke to the owners and the mgr. Not once! I haven't called there harassing him, her, or anyone else. I have also fought the urge to show up there and "hang out" to assert my presence.

OW also is going around saying: "well you know that we only went out and had drinks a few times, we weren't sleeping together"!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She apparently told this to the owners too, and the male owner is "wrapped around her finger" (not my words) so he let her stay. Now honestly wondering if she has something going with the H owner... wouldn't surprise me in the least (his W is a total flake), not my problem though!

WH now tells me that he is also telling everyone at the gym that they just had drinks, etc. I am furious cause he is backing up her lie and making me look a fool. He says it is not their business, I feel he is not wanting to accept FULL responsibility for his actions.

WH is also angry that friends and family know. I am of this mindset: Last A I defended him, even to the owner of the office space he lost after last OW got vindictive. I even defended him to the OW who was making wild accusations! I protected him from alot of the fallout, I made it easy for him to get back into "normal" and swept alot of it under the rug. I will not make that mistake again! Why wouldn't he continue to do this repeatedly if I make it easy for him to rectify???

Am I wrong here? Last I checked, the intention was for there to be full disclosure, the A should see the light of day and exposed to all. Am I misinterpreting this?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am quite upset that the OW is going around saying things about me that are not true & he is backing her up on it. Still sounds like a whole lotta fog hanging around!!

He asked me to think about it. Last time when people at the hospital heard, alot of people were talking about me behind my back. I went back to alot of stories and whispers that weren't true. It did hurt me, cause I thought some of these people were my friends! BUT, I am the BS, I did not do this to him, he did this to him. He says that is how he feels: everybody's whispering behind his back and it is my fault for bringing it into his place of business!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WTH?! I did not tell him to go have sex with a woman he works with!! Told him it was his fault for bringing this into his own backyard!

Please, someone lend me some direction here! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Am I way off base? I will consider it if someone feels that way and can explain it. Thanks!

Momma-

You're job is just to expose it, I think it stands to reason that they would deny it to everyone....they don't want to "look" bad. But you can't 'take back' words.....they're out there now, and people...even the one's they are lying to are scrutinizing them, I GUARANTEE it.
This makes him mad, because it makes him uncomfortable.....GOOD....Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.....it's supposed to be uncomfortable.....This is what's going to rip it apart.

Do Orchid's reverse babble on him when he says that stuff to you, like "It's none of their business" I think the gist of it is to make a comment...or answer a question with a confusing return statement/answer.

"You're right, it's none of their business, I don't know what they're thinking"...then run away...run away before he comes out of his confusion...LMAO

"We only had drinks together a few times"

"I know, I like pina colada's"

Something like that......Orchid is much better at it.

Hope this helps some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Thanks... that is funny... hmm

I hate this roller coaster,and you think Iwould remember this so well! He sounds together,like he is really trying, etc... then this!

GRRR! Yep, he is still got some fog or withdrawl or whatever.

Seriously, anyone else have thoughts on this?

Thanks... that is funny... hmm

I hate this roller coaster,and you think Iwould remember this so well! He sounds together,like he is really trying, etc... then this!

GRRR! Yep, he is still got some fog or withdrawl or whatever.

Seriously, anyone else have thoughts on this?

^Bump^

anyone???

I think you have done a great job exposing him. Your WH should be UNCOMFORTABLE....this is the only way that you can hope for him to end the affair. YOu have to make it as uncomfortbale as possible for him to stay in this affair. I give you kudos for your efforts thus far. YOu are not off base at all. I would say you are hitting a home run with exposing him.

Goodluck.

Well I am glad someone is listening! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am being overly sensitive, I am sure (the fact that I am not getting many repsonses, not cause my H)

He says it is over, I believe he means it but I do not believe she is done... not by a long stretch. Been down this road before, know where it leads!

I still find it very upsetting that in a way he was defending her by participating in the lies... and getting mad when I did not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Momma'sSad:
<strong> Well I am glad someone is listening! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


He says it is over, I believe he means it but I do not believe she is done... not by a long stretch. Been down this road before, know where it leads!

I still find it very upsetting that in a way he was defending her by participating in the lies... and getting mad when I did not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this is a classic statement many make here. IF your WH is truly "over" with her why is he NOT doing evrything he can do to reconcile and support you and your feelings and needs. His actions DO NOT match his words here. This is always a red flag. IF your WH is truly over with her, you should not be worrying about the OW and her wants for your husband. PLease remember that the OW CANNOT make your WH do anything that he does not want to do. The issue is with him and not her. It means nothing if she still wants him. If he is going to betray you yet again, he will do it. If he isn't, the same is true. Goodluck in all of this. It is so sad that your children have been hurt by all of this.

LM

Yes, I know that... but... I do believe he feels it is over with her. I am not as concerned of him relapsing with her right now as I am her causing more drama, it is becoming apparent she thrives on it. BTW, I am now even more certain the entireprg thing was a fabrication... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What he seems to be protecting here is his reputation, his *precious* business that I have grown to resent because he spends all his time "building" it and a year later has nothing to show for it but more debt and a new A.

He feels it is nobody's business that he had another A, not his family, not mine, not the owners he leases from, not the neighbors, whatever. What I see as exposure and "rallying my support system" he sees as me being vindictive and attempting to hurt him. I told him (very calmly, BTW) that **HE** was the one who had an affair with a girl at the gym, all I did was set the truth free.

I asked him today: If he is now set on "healing" and was adamant to the preschool teahcer that we were not talking D (?) than why is he still living elsewhere!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He always turns that around, says he is not sure what he wants, knows he wants to heal but doesn't necessarily believe we can change enough to make this M work. "Are you inviting me back to our home? you want me back in our bed?" No, not right now I don't, but there are plenty of other places that he could sleep, we have a full spare room... bed, TV and all...

Just am tired of him leaving everynight and the kids reacting the way they do. It is very hard, and I know it is confusing. He thinks if he moves in than I am trying to "control" him...I will now where he is at all times, etc. See, he ended the A, but he is not to the point where he wants to reconcile with me either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Where is everyone tonight!? I am so stressed out right now!!! Why does being a "girl" have to make thigns harder... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: Yes, I know that... but... I do believe he feels it is over with her. I am not as concerned of him relapsing with her right now as I am her causing more drama, it is becoming apparent she thrives on it. BTW, I am now even more certain the entireprg thing was a fabrication... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yes, well only time will reveal the truth. Pay attention to your hunches though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: What he seems to be protecting here is his reputation, his *precious* business that I have grown to resent because he spends all his time "building" it and a year later has nothing to show for it but more debt and a new A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Yep, Ws' syndrome requires that they don't trust those they can and are paranoid about everything else. Perfect setup for an ulcer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: He feels it is nobody's business that he had another A, not his family, not mine, not the owners he leases from, not the neighbors, whatever.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Maybe he is right.... spin it and ask...

bs: So dear, when you have a booger hanging from your nose, what would you like me or someone who cares for you to do?

Tell you so you can fix it and move on or....
Leave it hanging out there for all to see since 'it is none of our business.' ????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: What I see as exposure and "rallying my support system" he sees as me being vindictive and attempting to hurt him. I told him (very calmly, BTW) that **HE** was the one who had an affair with a girl at the gym, all I did was set the truth free. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: He is in the fog. As long as he babbles as such, he needs to stay away. Lack of appreciation does not make for supportive family members. He w/b a burden to you all emotionally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: I asked him today: If he is now set on "healing" and was adamant to the preschool teahcer that we were not talking D (?) than why is he still living elsewhere!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Good retort. Did it pierce the fog and and least leave him speechless for longer than 2 minutes?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: He always turns that around, says he is not sure what he wants, knows he wants to heal but doesn't necessarily believe we can change enough to make this M work. "Are you inviting me back to our home? you want me back in our bed?" No, not right now I don't, but there are plenty of other places that he could sleep, we have a full spare room... bed, TV and all...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: He is babbling again. Disengage convos when he babbles. Tell him, he is right.... you don't want a WS in your house. They are too unstable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Momma'sSad: Just am tired of him leaving everynight and the kids reacting the way they do. It is very hard, and I know it is confusing. He thinks if he moves in than I am trying to "control" him...I will now where he is at all times, etc. See, he ended the A, but he is not to the point where he wants to reconcile with me either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Let him know his actions are wearing everyone out. As for the control.....let him know that there really s/b more control. When a person is unstable, you shore up the support not let him wobble. Then say, reconcile? No.... not now... you aren't ready yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I guess I am to tired to babble back tonight... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He isn't here anyway, left a little while ago. I had all these good intentions of going back to work tomorrow, trying to resume something like "normal life", whatever that is. Still it is almost 3am and I cannot sleep, had to call out, can't risk my license on bad judgment cause of no sleep. When you are an RN, you can't just go in and "fake it", least I can't!

I need an AD and maybe a sleeping pill. I am taking valerian, but it ain't doing much at this point, obviously!
I am profoundly depressed, I see that. Still, having a hard time pulling out of it at the moment.

WH told me earlier I needed to "snap out of it" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yup, that helps, thanks! Later he apologized for that. I told him I was grieving (true, right?). Grieving for my old life, for my M, for my family, for my kids, it is to me as if something special has died (well, it has, hasn't it?)

I hate this feeling,I hate feeling in limbo! At the moment know I am not letting alot go to the Lord...got the whole girly thing going on too, so I believe this has exacerabted the situatuion tremendously...

I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you! I just hope that he is able to snap out of his fog and see that he needs to make some changes in his life. I'm proud of you for exposing the affair, and even if he's denying it, the people you told will question what he's saying. I know that you can't change him. I wish you the best.

C

Thanks.

Yep, the more I think about it, the more I am certain I did the right thing there. He said "maybe this is an issue we need to discuss in MC, cause obvioulsy we are not going to agree", I said I do agree with that!

I just get so frustrated w/ it all and obvioulsy he started to pull me into the fog with him enough to make myself question this action.I never considered that lying was ok, but maybe that telling everyone was done for the wrong reasons...Right now I feel the only reason I need is he did it, and I am not going to lie for him!

I am seeing my doc this afternoon for some pharmeceutical help. I cannot function like this!!! If I can't pull it together soon, I may lose my job... and I really like working there (most days). Guess this is the backlashform carryingit all and still finding out it wasn't enough... now I feel the motivation to do a bunch of nothing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Momma'sSad,

I'm assuming he works at this gym? or owns it or something??

When he gets into this "it's none of their business talk"

Ask him--Why isn't it their business?

I mean if your boss was behaving in a way that could jeapodize YOUR employment (the business could be closed down if a divorce were to ensue to help pay court costs) or even split during the divorce--wouldn't it be your business to know what's going on?? Wouldn't you want to know if there was a possiblity of losing your job?

I used to work for a man who spent company profits on nose candy--he was addicted--and his actions affected the entire company--he was in a car accident and they took him to court--He could have lost the entire company--but someone bailed him out--this happened more than once--and the same person who bailed him out each time--eventually owned the company--

Just as with this--it's an accident out of control
which will eventually destroy what he has tried to build--and someone else will own it all--

Momma, I don't understand why WH and OW feel like they get a choice in the matter. I didn't get the choice of weither or not I was completly humiliated seeings as how they worked together and everyone but me knew so why should they get the option of being able to tell people what they want and not what really happened. If it makes them uncomfortable or humiliated they should have thought about that before they both engaged in something they knew was completly wrong. I don't know about you but my OW knew who I was and even came to the hospital when my S was born.

Momma, I don't understand why WH and OW feel like they get a choice in the matter. I didn't get the choice of weither or not I was completly humiliated seeings as how they worked together and everyone but me knew so why should they get the option of being able to tell people what they want and not what really happened. If it makes them uncomfortable or humiliated they should have thought about that before they both engaged in something they knew was completly wrong. I don't know about you but my OW knew who I was and even came to the hospital when my S was born.

Momma, I don't understand why WH and OW feel like they get a choice in the matter. I didn't get the choice of weither or not I was completly humiliated seeings as how they worked together and everyone but me knew so why should they get the option of being able to tell people what they want and not what really happened. If it makes them uncomfortable or humiliated they should have thought about that before they both engaged in something they knew was completly wrong. I don't know about you but my OW knew who I was and even came to the hospital when my S was born.

Oh she knew who I was,alright!! She was circling his office one day while I was waiting for him to finish a session. On her second pass I say, oh you must be B,I am G's wife...

He is a massage therapist leasing space downstairs in the gym. She works for the gym.
She also spent alot of time wiht my kids (they are there alot w/ Daddy when I am working to support his dumb$%#). This part infuriates me...she even did DD 13, fake nails last week as a "present"... before I knew, I asked WH "why?", she "hardly knows my girl". Sounds like she had a sunny pic in her head that she and WH were gonna be together and blendfamilies!!! Not a chance *&^%@!

Sorry, still not over the kids part... I cannot believe he was so stupid to bring our kids around his GF!!!! What nerve on both their parts!