</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but a drunken ONS is so disrespectful, it's "forgetting" you're married, it's the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.
A long term A usually sneaks up from behind. In most cases there is a semblance of friendship before things turn from an EA to a PA.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jen,

I know FiM actually posted a really detailed and well thought out reply to this, but your post really did make me think a bit, so I wanted to write about it again.

I was wondering about a ONS being about the 'if it feels good, do it' attitude compared to a longer term A. I think its true that a ONS is extremely disrespectful. Isn't it also true of the beginning stages of a longer PA (the EA part)? I mean, at each stage of an EA, a person still has the choice to stop all contact, but chooses not to.

I really don't know the answers myself, so if you think differently I'd love to hear it.

In retrospect, although I have huge regrets about my ONS, I think I would have had much greater regrets if it had gone on any longer. It did take some decisions and some self-discipline (I came out of the fog quicker, partly because OP was 3000 km away) to decide on NC and to confess. Its a strange thought to me that it might have been 'easier' for my H to accept if I had allowed it to become more to me, or if it had had a longer build up phase?

I am wondering whether in some cases it might be easier for a BS to recover from an A when the WS had plans to leave the M. Maybe then its clearer that the A was also related to the M, rather than 100% the result of personal weakness, selfishness and cruelty on the part of the WS (although I think these exist in every A).

Probably it doesn't really matter much for recovery, since in both cases the process of recovery is the same. My H doesn't love me and hasn't forgiven me (yet?). Like everyone, I wish I could have a recovery 'map' and be able to see how its going to turn out - but I guess I have to learn to live with the uncertainty.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

Oh gosh, Smur, I didn't mean to upset any of my MB friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

After I'd written that on the other thread I nearly edited because all A's are disrespectful, all A's are "forgetting" you're married, all A's are of the "if it feels good, do it" variety. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I also felt like I was twisting morality and making a long term A sound like something "better" than a ONS. But it is still true that my H could never have forgiven a ONS and could forgive my long term A. But the devestation and pain caused are the same for both. I keep wanting to say my H almost understood my A but that's not true either - he just couldn't believe I was capable of such a thing.

I don't have any answers either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry, I upset you Smur, I should have thought before I posted.

Jen

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your reply. Actually, I was a little upset, but not because of what you wrote. What you wrote made me think again, and then I sort of noticed the upset that was already there in the background. I'm really quite OK, though. I've been practising self-soothing, in the tradition of the Schnarch book (Passionate Marriage) and it works better than expected. Thanks for thinking of me, I really appreciate the support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Also, please keep on being honest about your experiences, it all helps us understand better!

I couldn't agree more that all As are horribly painful things and I guess for our S's they are all painful in slightly different ways.

I'm guessing there's another post somewhere on this subject but it's late and I'm nearly off to bed. My husband had an A. I personally believe I would have found a one night stand easier to deal with. I struggle with the lies and deceit that I put up with for nearly 3 years. I find myself pondering on the emotional aspects of the affair much more than the physical. A ONS would be a betrayal but my husband, most likely, would not have fallen in love with a ONS. It would have been a quick fix. I know all adultery has terrible consequences and I'd probably be struggling to deal with either.

Kiwi, I remember reading somewhere (probably I'ville) that you'd been prone to panic attacks. When my husband was diagnosed with his kidney problems, I had a full-blown panic attack. I subsequently had less severe ones but still that horrible breathlessness creeps up on me from time to time. I found a great way to deal with it is to keep rubbing my chest in a constant rhythmic manner. In the end, all my attention is on the rubbing action and I forget about the breathing. It doesn't happen very often now but it has worked for me. TT