You may not want to hear this but in my opinion you should leave this man. Please, please, please take care of your self. From your posts it sounds like your WH has lost all respect to you. He only wants you to be his housewive while he is with OW. Even if this is not true, once a person crosses the line and begins to be violent and abusive his or her behavior tends to escalate. What are you waiting for? Do you want this man to hit you again in a more severe way? No way. A man who hits a woman only deserves to be in jail.

Betrayed by 2,

You ask WHY?? Why is this man, who was kind and gentle, now being abusive? How is that possible? Well...I am somewhat of an expert about domestic violence, and let me share with you what I know about abusive partners.

Domestic violence crosses all social and economic boundaries. Most abusers batter because of internal psychological struggles. Usually, the abuser is seeking a sense of power and control over their partners or their own lives, or because the abuser is tremendously dependent on the partner and are threatened by any moves on the partner's part toward independence. Some abusers batter because that's the only way they know how to be close to or relate to a partner. Some abusers grew up in violent households, where they watched one of their parents be abused by the other parent and where they themselves were abused. Some abusers become violent under the influence of drugs or alcohol, although the substances themselves do not cause the violence.

Often, violence is a familiar pattern for the abused partner, as well as the abuser. In addition, the abuse victim often loves the abuser, or at least love them initially. Partners who batter are not 100 percent hateful, but they can be loving and attentive at times. Some abuse victims remain emotionally and/or economically dependent on the batterer despite the fact that they face continued abuse if they stay. Abuse victims are at highest risk of injury or violence when they are separating from or divorcing a partner. Abuse victims can be very intimidated by a partner and the consequences of leaving. It takes a long time for a victim to give up hope in a relationship and to recognize that the only way to be safe is to leave.

If we listen to those who abuse their partner, what we hear is how terribly inadequate these partners are. At the same time, we know that abusers are tremendously dependent on their partners. Fear of rejection, emotional withdrawal, and/or abandonment are major factors that actually cause these abusers to become violent. Abusers who batter are often psychologically incapable of leaving the relationship.

What is the cycle of abuse?
In summary, there are three phases: HeartsNFlowers--Tension--Explosion. HeartsNFlowers is when the abuser makes promises, apologizes, and does anything to win back the victim. Tension is when anger is building and is often described as feeling as if you are walking on eggshells waiting for the next violent incident. Explosion...explosion is self-explanatory. Explosion is the abusive incident.

A regular and predictable cycle of abuse occurs in some families. The family's life becomes a cycle of violence: life begins to revolve around anticipating violence; coping with actual acts of violence; or recovering from the violence. Ironically, a family can become tremendously close in the recovery phase. The abuser who was terrifying and intimidating turns into a remorseful, needy, and dependent partner. The victim who was battered then will feel sorry for the abuser and recommit in a fantasized hope that the abuse won't happen again. But the cycle of abuse will begin again, often becoming worse. The cycle of abuse can only be broken with personal awareness and professional help.

Betrayed by 2, do not be in denial about this violent behavior. It will NOT "go away" or "get better" until your husband admits to himself that HE has the problem (it's not you) and until HE seeks help from a professional who is knowledgable in treating abusers. The cycle of abuse can not be broken by blaming you or by reading in a book...and your marriage can not be reconciled until he has dealt with his abuse. Period.


CJ

I agree with CJ. It's important to recognize that this is not a problem that will go away. It is like a volcanic eruption that indicates there is a volcano. You don't just assume there will be no more volcanic eruptions because of something unusual that happened on the day the volcano erupted. You recognize that there is a volcano.

Abuse may come out because of an affair, but these are two different problems. Affairs happen when the person gets emotional needs met by someone other than a spouse, and abuse happens when there is an attempt to control the other person's behavior. Affairs may be the triggering event for abuse, but there are a lot more affairs than there is abuse.

Cherished

I do not think I am in denial - just more of how did I get in this place. We have been together for over 12 years and 11 years were violence free.

He believes he went with my friend after her repeated requests for his help and her neediness when we were having financial strains. He believes he was failing me and lumped me. He has said it was never a question about his needs not being met. He repeatedly stated that I was the perfect wife & mother - it was him.

After I went to bed last night, he called stated he will go to councilling for both the anger management & recovering our marriage. He was sorry about saying no earlier. I told him that I did not like what we were becoming. He agreed.

Cherished -

Was your marriage always abusive? Has your WH stopped? Did he go to councilling on his own? And has it helped?

My confusion stems from the fact that the A and its aftermath have turned him into something different and I hope its only his dealing with his mistakes and self-hate right now.

BB2

Well, he was wonderful -- the most caring man I ever met -- right up until our wedding night, and I almost slept in the car that night. Great start.

He was most abusive during the affair and, yes, I do believe he was struggling to blame me for it. However, I think that a normal reaction to an affair is not abuse. These are two separate problems.

I spoke with Harley several times before we got into the MB program because of the severity of the abuse. One thing he said was that when there is the combination of abuse and infidelity it is really hard to recover. With abuse the answer is separation and with recovery from an affair the answer is to have a lot of togetherness. If your H is willing to move across country to be near you, he's away from OW. I guess my recommendation is not to say that the affair caused the abuse. The affair revealed the abuse. He does need anger management and it would be best for you to be separated.

My H is going to counseling and goes to an anger management group weekly. He says the affair is over. He still doesn't treat me very well. I'm putting the ball in his court.

I do believe people can change. With abuse the very first thing that has to happen is that the person who is abusive needs to take 100% responsibility.

Here's something from a Harley radio program that I typed up:

The first step toward overcoming domestic violence is to recognize that there are no excuses for domestic violence…What’s the first step in anger management counseling? And that is to convince the violent spouse that they have no right ever hurting their spouse regardless of what their spouse may have said or done.

Joyce: But how do you convince them of that if they can always justify their outburst of anger?

Bill: This is where counseling is important. Counseling from my perspective is an opportunity to change somebody’s mind, to change somebody’s thoughts, to change somebody’s attitudes, to change them. And a lot of times you got to begin with their attitudes. But that’s not where you end. You can’t end with attitudes, because you have to end with behavior. I’ve known a lot of people that fully believe that they should not be beating their wife, and yet they can’t stop because they haven’t learned to stop doing that…So the first step is to recognize that there is no excuse for an affair. If her husband were to tell me, every time I have an affair, I feel guilty, I feel like I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned against my wife, I’ve sinned against my children, I’m a horrible person to be doing this. Then I would say, “Now, what we have to do is create an environment where you’re not going to have another affair. And it’s going to be very restrictive, at least at first. You’re basically going to be watched 24 hours a day. You’re not going to be able to do and say what you want to say. It’s just like with helping a person overcome addiction to alcohol. You can’t be working in a bar when you are trying to recover from being an alcoholic. This woman’s husband says, “It’s your fault that I’m having an affair.” And I’d say, “What can she do to get him to stop?” And the answer is “Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing she can do. She has to walk away. She has to turn her back and walk away from him. Otherwise, she’s going to continue to be hurt by him the rest of their lives. The same thing is true of men that beat their wives. The same thing is true with men or woman who are verbally abusive. The question is: “How do I get my spouse to stop being abusive? How do I get my spouse to stop hurting me?” The answer is, “There’s nothing you can do. It’s all on the part of the person who is doing the damage.”

Cherished

He really never blamed me, or my snooping for his violence. He freely admits he was wrong and that he thinks the abuse was more about him than anything I did or could do. So maybe that's a start at ending the abuse.

He definitely has alot of self-hate. I am having a hard time to keep from crying at where we are at in our life together.

Be supportive at a distance and open to reconciliation in the future. Lemonman's words scare me. I never got in the trauma bay, but I could have been there. You only have one life to lead. I now have two scars -- one on my forehead from his pressing down hard on my forehead in January, 1998 and one on my arm from surgery. No loss in functionality. I had a 50 percent chance of chronic pain, according to the doctor who operated on my arm. Chronic physical pain. Think about it. You may think you are at the bottom, but you need to protect yourself from further physical harm by giving him a chance to go to counseling.

Cherished

Cherished -

What makes you stay?

On Christmas Night - 24 hours after - I told my WH that I was afraid that next time I angered him, that maybe he wouldn't be able to say sorry to me. I told him I feared that if we continued on this path that I wouldn't be there for my daughter. I also told him that she was going to learn all the Wrong things from us if we didn't get help - these words made him cry.

Lemonman's words were the same things going thru my head. It's just really confusing how a docile man is now a monster.

BB2

Many people have told me that my husband is "the nicest guy." My husband has told me that his anger management group is full of people who are just like him. Heck, my own brother simply did not believe that he had broken my arm, even though I had shown him a scar on my arm.

Why? It doesn't make sense. Well, docile is not good. Docile means wants to avoid conflict, willing to go along with whatever to get along. My husband tells me that I talked him into a fourth child, and Sophia talked him into an affair.

The problem is that a person can take it only so long and then explodes. I didn't understand that. I thought I was to blame and my responsibility was to forgive him. I took responsibility as well.

You are right to be concerned about your daughter. There is hope, though. What your husband may be is passive-aggressive -- go along until explosion. The affair was probably part of the explosion. Affair and abuse -- this guy was really unhappy and you didn't know.

The hope that you have is through counseling. Ask him to protect you by not living with you but living near you and away from OW. That's going to be hard for him and for you. Have you exposed the affair to OW's family? That will help because OW will have pressure to stay away as well.

My therapist said once that people are motivated when something is a problem for them. If he is full of self hate, then this is a problem for him. Ask him to get counseling from someone who knows anger management.

Personally, I went to a meeting for abuse victims at a shelter exactly once, and it was all about the perpetrator being a bad guy. Those women had something in common. They weren't looking at themselves. What your husband needs to do is look at himself and understand what went wrong.

Cherished

BB2,
Your situation sound somewhat similar to mine, minus another person being involved. All I can say is I wish I had your strength and determintaion. You had the strength to leave and you now have the determination to make this work. I read a book called "Confessions of an Abusive Husband" by Robert Robertson, MA and it was very helpful. It gave me some insight into why my husband acts like he does. It is a book that was written for the abuser willing to change and sounds like your husband could benefit from it if he is wiling to get help like he says he is. My husband refuses to go to counseling, doesn't think he has a problem, and told his friend that he isn't going to change, but at least the book helped me figure some stuff out. I pray that one day I will find the strength and courage to leave. You are in my prayers.

Scrubs -
I don't think I have any strength. Yes I left and yes I want to run and hide now. My mother and I had a few glasses of wine at dinner today and boy was she insulting about WH. As much as I am in turmoil - I need support, not further abuse. Is Texas a good palce to hide??

I just want to begin a life w/ my sweet daughter where no one knows me or my past!!!! Why do I feel as if I wear the Scartlet A? I have been the fool for so long - when is enough ENOUGH!

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: betrayed by 2 ]</small>