I am about to have a baby and my H who has left me 4 months ago for OW now suddenly wants to be of help. I rejected his offer for the last days, but he continues to call and asks what he can do at this point. After he insisted so much, I agreed that he can do some shoping for me. Although, he will leave soon after delivery to work in the country where OW lives, he plans to make regular visits home to take care of the baby. I am very much confused by this behaviour, since this man was a month ago saying that he does not want the baby, cannot impose impose the baby on OW, has his own life-plans, etc. I do not have the feeling that the affair is over (I did not ask him about OW at all), however I do feel that the anger H had towards me and the resentment over the baby is gone. I know that I should not be too optimistic, because H might simply have the need to cover up his guilt. However, I do not know how to behave towards H now. So far, I had been in a modified plan B (no initiation of contact from my side). At the time of H's last visit, I acted cordial (talked about general things), but a little distant - did not ask anything personal, made it clear that I have my own life-plans, did not act pushy or needy, but showed self-confidence. I really do not know how to proceed now: should I just go on behaving in such a neutral way, should I keep more distance towards H (i.e. have only very limited contact) or should I try to find out if had in any way change his mind.<BR>(By the way, H does seem to be going through mid-life crisis - he just turned 50, OW is much yunger and subordinated to him.)<BR>Thanks for any imput on this hard situation.<BR>Tara. <BR>

You're situation is so difficult. I really think you're handling it perfectly.<P>I think your recent approach is the best one. It helps to protect you, doesn't blame him, and shows you in a good light. My one caution is to avoid doing anything that could cause permanent resentment/damage between you. Without changing your attitude, I think you should ALLOW him to help to whatever degree he wants. Don't solicit it, don't judge it, but if he sincerely wants to be a part of this birth, I think you should allow it. Just don't let it influence your behavior towards him nor let your expectations get ahead of the long road that lies ahead.

Tara, I've been wondering how you've been doing, and your little Joy who is soon to arrive. This past 4 months have probably been the longest in your life. But you soon will have an entirely different life, with meaning and purpose - and you do sound better.<P>If what you are doing is working, then that is good. I don't have any advice for you, just want you to know that we care.<P>TNT

Tara, it really sounds as though you know what you want and how you want to act. I think your doing the right thing and couldn't offer any more advice than that but would suggest that you make the baby available to his father no matter what. He could have been running from the responsibility of an infant and is now willing to accept that. If he believes you to be understanding and a good person who will still allow him to walk back in that door after he slammed it then you are in a much better light than the one who doesn't want any part of him, outside of what she already has, in her life. Good luck and best of wishes! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>