Just Peachy told me to contact you and get some input. Here's the short version of my story.

Married 20 years. H has had 1 EA and 3 PAs that I know of. The current PA is going on at the moment. He doesn't know I know. I found tons of text messages and emails and pix he sent on his camera phone to OW. Most read like teenage love letters. He also out of work...resigned his job a short while ago...not really sure of the circumstances there. Found a receipt that he saw a laywer in Nov. Found a charge on credit card for gift for OW that he lied about to me.

I saw a lawyer and hired a PI at his advise. The PI recommended putting a GPS on his car, which will be done soon.

WH found out I saw a laywer and acted so surprised, but didn't offer the truth to me even though I gave him ample opportunity to come clean. He has been much nicer lately though, which I find very curious. He wants to talk out our problems after 2 years of silence and indecision.

I am struggling with the PI bit. Why? He is cheating on me and lying to my face. We both come from very strong Christian families and have been active in church our entire lives. Am I doing the right thing? Any thoughts?

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: StillShocked ]</small>

Dear Still,

Well, I am honored she sent you my way. Will help what I can. Tell Peachy I said hi. I need to call her.... no excuse. LOL!!! She is a lovely lady with a hansome son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please tell me a bit more about what you have done MB wise or what other tools you have used up until now.

PI is needed if the BS needs info that isn't forthcoming. It c/b painful info so how you digest it is up to you. You can get support for it but don't expect it to be an easy pill to swallow.

I can also do some searching on your previous posts.... that could take a while for me. A quick recap w/b appreciated.

Thanks,
L.

Orchid,

Sorry I didn't get back with you, but the whole situation took a surprising turn this week. WH came clean with me. His entire attitude was so different. He said he'd never really said he was sorry and begged my forgiveness. It was as different attitude than I've ever seen.

Briefly the situation is this. He told me 2 years ago of 2 previous A's. A month ago I found out he was contacting another woman from his work. I gave him some chances to tell me the truth, but he lied so I saw a laywer. Found that he had seen one in Nov. Lawyer said to get a PI to prove A in my state. Well, I was getting ready to have a GOS put on his car this week when he decided he'd had a enough. Cut it off with OW and came clean to me. I was so surprised and relieved! PI is cancelled. He went to the doctor (although he said he'd not been with this woman this time I told him I wanted him to be tested for all STDs as a good faith gesture. He agreed. We also have an appointment with a pastor at our church this week. We have a lot of work to do, but we are at least on the same page now. I guess I need to re-read some stuff here at MB. We are talking and that's a good sign.

I appreciate your input.

Glad to hear this still shocked...

But...this is not about YOU...it is about HIM. What is he really doing. Has he really changed?

Don't count your chickens yet. Let his day to day actions show. Has he signed up for MC? Is he really willing to do so? Would he read HNHN if you gave it to him? What about "SAA" for a read for him? How FAR IS HE WILLING TO GO TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE?

Orchid...love you girl. Please give me a shout later tonight...my lovely puppy is still alas, not housebroken. AFter a workout at gym, will come home and do more carpet shampooing. Then have my requisite cup of herb tea in front of fire and work on my book I am reading...

Call me. I need to talk to you. Still wanting to finish the book I am writing btw. What a twisted cliffhanger it is...ha ha. based on my life sort of.

Need to tell you about job change btw. It is good. REEEEAL good.

And Still Shocked..Great news girl. But he's gotta walk the walk before you listen to one ounce of his talk!

I am praying he will stick to his guns. Meanwhile, you stick to yours. Keep not LB'ing but remember...you drive this car. He does not. He has to want to do this. You can't make him do anything.

We pray for your recovery. And for your strength and for his strength to do the right thing.

Still,

Good to hear of the progress but you are by no means out of the fog....yet. His 'confession' is only the 1st step. He needs to show remorse and ask for your forgiveness. Then he needs to help you with your healing and help himself with his issues that took him outside of his marriage along with a plan to prevent it from happening again. Developing good habits is a start. RH, POJA ,etc.

As for the GPS....I would still install it. You never know. As for the PI don't lose his #.

take care,

L.

Peachy and Orchid,

Thanks for the input. I am totally watching his actions this time. I'm certainly wiser this time around. I feel somewhat empowered that I found out first. Proves I learned something the last few times around.

We are seeing someone at church tomorrow. We have a MC that we were seeing before. I felt we needed some spiritual input at this point. The fella we're seeing is a straight shooter who will point us in the right direction and talk directly. I found some of the MCs words/actions rather passive. We DO NOT need passive. We need ACTIVE!

So far WH has been very aggreeable to everything I've said/asked/demanded. His entire demeanor is different this time. He is broken and repentant and willing to do whatever it takes I believe. He even called my parents and apologized for his behavior. They were blown away.

I didn't jump to forgiveness this time. I waited to see if he was serious. He will have to earn my trust back and he knows this. I'm working slowly throught the list of "demands" if created in my mind before he finally came to his senses.

I was annoyed at his attitude about "hurting" OW, but since I was aware that is a "normal" progression at this state I was able to deal with it better I think. I need to get busy reading on this site again. Haven't had a chance lately.

Thanks for everything.

SS,

Let us know how it goes. You sound like you have a plan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I do have a plan, but we're getting bogged down already with the emotional issues. WH contends that we never really connected...that I didn't meet his ENs and therefore where can we really go? I am frustrated because I feel like we need to deal with the As before anything else. We talked a very long time today. It keeps coming to back to the ENs. We filled out the EN quiz and it's obvious we are very different! I feel like it's a workable situation. That we can learn to meet each other's needs. He is wondering if we (Make that ME) can change since this is a personality issue. I'm very frustrated...I'm going to read more and print out some stuff for him as well.

I guess it were easy to fix there'd be less divorces.

Still,

U gotta get a handle on identifying fog babble from the truth. Right now the WS or Xws can't even do that.

As for the EN list being different, that's not an obstacle but a creative challenge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> What is easy for him on your list and easy for you on his list is where you can start. Work on the harder things later. Slow and steady.

Up and down times will come. Be prepared, not shocked.

Develop a way to let each other know when you have something to talk about.

For me it was when I softly went up to my H and asked: 'Can I ask you a question?'

If he was gruff, I would walk away.... if he was gentle in his response and invited me, I would ask my question. If he was busy, I would walk away and he would let me know when to come back. AT first he was gruff. Then he realized his gruffness was keeping him from getting important info. So he cleaned up his act.

I used that method for needy and general questions dealing with a variety of topics. Simple and complex questions. So he didn't really know when I would as the A, trigger or needy questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It also help us work through some of the frustrated times. Also I learned to give him his recuperative space and he gave me mine.

Hope this helps.
L.