I can hardly believe it has only been 2 months since then, This train wreck has gotten so much steam so fast it looks like it is never going to stop.

I had been sleeping fairly well since about 3 weeks after D-day, but last night I was awake almost every other hour, and of course I woke up at 3:00AM (same time as discovery time).

I've been reading the posts regarding wanting WW back, and to be honest I'm kinda scared that I am also getting to the point that I won't want my W back. I am torn because I know that as a christian man, if she repents, and asks forgivness I need to forgive, and I also know that my kids need their mom, but I'm not so certain I can set my heart out on a chopping block again.

I know some of you are going to tell me that it is too soon to think about this, but I ask you to please read my saga (link in signature)first, and see if you still feel that way.

I am reliving all of the emotions from that day today, funny I didn't have this reaction at the 1 month point, wonder why?

WW is out of state on business, I have had minimal contact with her, seems she is wanting NC with me to help her move on with OM. I can't effectively Plan A her, so I am concentrating on my kids & me.

OM is still unemployed, and WW is supporting him & his 2 kids, while basically ignoring her own. How long will WW let this go on??? I know in our marriage, she very much needed to know that I was financially successful, maybe this will be the beginning of the end??? I really want to tell her what a louse OM is, but I know she will not hear it, and the fog still makes him glow 4 her, that makes me sick.

She spoke with our kids 2 days ago, and told them she would call last night, of course no call came. But to be honest, I think it bothers me more than it does the kids, can that be true?

I can't even remember the last time we had SF, and to be honest it is tearing me up to know that they are having SF probably every night, not sure I'll ever be able to get over that item either.

I know this is a rant, and I needed to vent, but I also welcome the support and advice from all of you, TYSVM

Hosea

I will never understand...never ever ever...how one gets 'turned on'...when the person/persons involved....are living in such deceipt and bringing such pain in to other peoples lives at their expense...

the insurmountable turn off of that prospect...
the absolute mockery and mis-use of Gods gift of human sexuality...

the shallow empty motion of that act..while children hurt...is all I see ...

breathe deep that you aren't the one living their life or engaging in those activities...

draw strength from that...

here's the cheesie light house post..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

ARK

Thanks Ark^^

But to be honest with you, I am trying my best to be the lighthouse, but I don't know how long I can go on doing that and feeling like the outhouse, and we all know the only reason anyone looks for the outhouse is to crap in it.

I want to subtly invite WW to share in our lives, but all she sees in this house now are things she wants to take, and so I don't even allow her in the house now.

Last time she was in house, she was standing in the foyer, like a visitor, waiting for the kids to get ready, I said "you don't have to wait here. this is still your home, if you want it to be" At that point she went and got a bag of her pictures from pre-marriage, a potato peeler, and our pressure cooker. I was shocked and couldn't get myself to stop her, I did ask for the pressure cooker back the next day because it was our wedding present and I was getting sick thinking of her using it to cook for OM, her response was "tell your lawyer you want it back"

Like I said, trying to be a lighthouse, feeling like the outhouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hosea..you wouldn't be the first outhouse round these parts.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

two months is way to new to this game...

let her stew in her own juices...

what about her participation in kid activities...

the other things you can do is..

have a house party with your old friends and neighbors...fill that house with fun...love and laughter...and let her see herself on the outside of that....

redecorate the kids rooms...you and them...plan out a really cool new room...
have a painting party....get the kids excited about choosing a theme...then go for it....

re-arrange the furniture...

go away for a fun weekend trip....

no matter how crappy you feel...you hosea are still doing the honorable thing...

you still stand for your vows...they still hold great meaning..

you still stand for what is right in the childrens lives...and someday they will realize that it was you that stood firm in their protection and safety...

dam hosea...hold your head high...
sleep well at night...

seek out friends and family that fill you life with fun..

get the kids in a new activity that they would enjoy...

be well

ARK

I am in a similar situation since my H left me 2 months ago. You are right...it is painful. You don't sleep much and eating becomes a chore. You feel like you want to shake your spouse and snap them out of whatever funk they are in. But the previous writer is right...

You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Let you W know what she is missing. Tell her how important she is to you. I am finding all of James in the NT to be a huge help. Also, other scriptures I that is helping through this is:

Hebrew 11:1
1 Corinthians 7
Matthew 18

They are all on marriage and faith. Someone told me this phrase and I repeat it everyday:

Patience is the evidence of faith; impatience is the evidence of doubt.

It is hard, but keep the faith that she may snap out of it and realize what a huge mistake she is making. She will blink and miss out so much with her own kids.

Good luck and sleep well,
Nomoregames

ARK, you are awesome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Listen Hosea to the good advice and know that you are doing really well. Keep your faith that the Father is watching and caring for you. In those hours of darkness when you feel so alone, let Him hold you in His lap and comfort you.

I feel for you Hosea. My D-day was a couple of weeks before yours. WH is living is in his own apartment and lies his head off. He says he never see OW but won't break it off with her.

I'm not sure how I feel about sticking with this for another 2 years. I know people do. I only see WH if I make the effort to do it. He never calls our kids. The only time he sees them is at DS sports events and only then because DS is a winner. Funny how WH could never come to meets when DS wasn't a winner.

I love the idea of MB. The idea that an A doesn't necessarily have to end a marriage. That people can work it through and come out stronger. Kids flourish best with 2 parents. I think WH and I are better together than apart. Deep down, I love him very much. But I wonder about the cost. I guess it's at Plan B, we decide it can't be a one way street.

Are you in Plan B now. Rant away. This is the best place for it.

Hosea, stay strong. The good news is the time you have to endure this is not infinite.

I'm in a similar situation and feel more hopeless everyday. I don't know if I want him back either. At this point, I just want peace and happiness even if that means being alone. I've only been in Plan A for about 1.5 months. I can't get over the feelings of anxiety when I know the A is still ongoing either though it may not be a PA now but an EA.

I feel like going to Plan B right now but I have to remember my plan. Remember your plan, work on yourself and keep busy.

Hosea? When did you start plan Aing...and did you give yourself a cut off date? I think that's important it gives perimeters to the insanity. You know, ok, I do this until this date, then I disengage. It helps because you have a plan, it's not all Chaos. I don't think that keeping her "out" of the house is a good idea. Can you put away things she may want before she comes?

I have been suspicious that my WH was having an A since around August 04, I moved out in September 04, I couldn't stand to be in that house when he didn't feel he was in love with me.....I hadn't found MB's yet, or I never would have moved. I didn't get any concrete evidence until 01/14/04....I have that evidence now, and have exposed.....I did kind of a 1/2 @ss Plan A...but kept slipping up because I was in so much pain. I'm trying my best to do a Plan A with him, I never argue with him, I don't have R talks with him, I don't nag him. I am filling the EN's that he'll let me fill....he especially seems to appreciate it when I stroke his ego, like telling him I've always been proud of him, proud to have him as my husband, proud of the man he was. Those comments for some reason poke a hole in the fog, and I can see my H in there for a second...it's fleeting, but I know he's in there, and I can't give up unitl I find him again.

I don't pray to God to bring my husband back anymore, I pray that God gives me empathy for him, that as much as he is hurting me, he is also hurting, I pray that God will reach down and clear the fog so that my WH can see the family that always loves him, and will never abandon him. I pray that God makes me a better person/wife/mother/friend. I pray that all this will make me, make my marriage stronger.

My pastor told me that a lot of people use God as they would a spare tire, only need it in an emergency. You can't treat God like that, he has to be part of your life everyday. (I'm not suggesting he's not part of YOUR day, only that he wasn't part of MY day).

Keep plan Aing, not taking anything she says to heart, she doesn't know what she's talking about. They act rude and say things to hurt you without thinking of the reprocussions of their actions/words. Treat her like you would a 2 year old.....when a 2 year old child says the hate you, you know it's not true, they're just throwing a tantrum. Whenever one of my children would do that, and say they hate me I would say "I'm sorry you feel that way, because I love you" Just keep fighting the good fight....keep you eye on the prize, and try to stay above the fray.

-Caren

Plan A: been trying since finding MB, not set a plan B date as I am caught up in the legal fight for my kids.

I will not hide things in my own home to keep WW from making this into a wal-mart without the cash register, instead I will just keep her OUT. when she tells me she wants something, I decide if I want her to have it, if I om OK with never seeing it again I put it in the garage, and when she comes around, she can load it up from there.

I know that may sound bad, but since she is not interested in our M, then my Plan A is all about my kids & myself.

No advice, just {{Hosea}}