I got married last May to a great guy who say he is a Christian. We had a world-wind romance for a short period of time (met January prior) and everything seemed to click.

After we got married things started to change...mostly from me. My father left me as a child and I always had a feeling my husband would do the same. So I tried to talk to him and share my emotions with him, but he is not the type to share his feelings. So I felt alone and lonely...eventhough he was in the house with me. We had a lot of things happening at once...

a. New marriage
b. Both of us started new jobs
c. We moved to new locations
d. We were learning to share each other's lives

I think I was overwhelmed and felt a big weight on my shoulders. Trying to get settled in day to day changes along with working with a new marriage. I tried to make sure his needs were taken care of, but forgot my own. Every movie we saw was what he wanted. Every meal we ate was what he wanted. Maybe I felt by pleasing him, he wouldn't want to leave.

Well, then the day came in November. I got home from work and he and all of his things were gone. He left. Every feeling of abandonment, rejection, and neglect came over me at once. I even thought my life was over. I felt embarassed, ashamed and like a failure, that I couldn't even keep a husband happy.

Now through counseling, prayer, and reading scripture, I notice that it was not all my fault. Our marriage should have been a two way street. If he was unhappy, he should have said something forcefully. (He had a habit of telling me things in a low toned mummer...so I wouldn't get the clue until it was too late).

I miss him dearly. I love him so much. When he left he said he wanted to take time out and his focus was to save our marriage. However, since he has been gone, he doesn't call much (once in a blue moon) and so I don't know where I stand with him. Does he really want to just take time out? Or has he found someone else and wants to move on, but doesn't have the courage to tell me?

I am keeping my faith and patience in hopes that he comes home and we can have another chance at our marriage. I believe in marriage is forever and to stick things out. So for me divorce is not an option, but I just don't know how he feels.

Am I nuts? He said one of the things he wants me to do is to be saved. I always thought of myself as a spiritual person and abide by Biblical rules, but I guess the evil of fear came between our relationship. I am working on that and it is subsiding...but I have no way of telling him this since he refuses to talk to me.

What am I to do?

Nomoregames

i'm not sure I am following your story..

you two got married...
happy newlyweds...should be right??

You meet all his needs...
and he leaves you and is barely in contact with you..

any children on either side...

why does he say he left...if things were always his way...

ARK

We don't have any kids...we are both late bloomers in marriage (my first and his second after 20 years). So I guess we were set in our own ways (me in my late 30s, and he in his early 40s).

I was trying to please him, yet he was trying to please me and we were both making each other miserable. I was so stressed from learning the new job and trying to keep things in order, I neglected myself. Stop going to the hairdresser, not getting my nails done, which were things I did when we dated. And his issue was he would buy me things and do things for me, that I didn't want or need. I am a simple person and didn't need to be showered in gifts. I just wanted him and his attention and affection. But he always said he doesn't have feelings and is removed from his emotions. I thought he was BSing me. Everyone with a soul has emotions.

Have you ever been in a house with someone and still feel lonely? Because he would stay in front of the TV instead of being with me. And whenever I left the house just to get away, when I returned I was greeted with "Where have you been?" I know now he was concerned, but at the time it felt accusational. I could never be unfaithful to him as long as I am married to him. I couldn't convey that to him.

Our biggest issue was communication. I wanted to know his deep thoughts, then he would shut me out. It seemed the closer I got to him, the further away or aloof he became.

So he left when he said he didn't know what to do with me. I admit, I became very emotional and would cry every other day it seemed. Because I felt lonely and neglected.

I hope this clears it up...

have you read Dr. Laura's the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands...


ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nomoregames:
<strong>
Have you ever been in a house with someone and still feel lonely?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. And I think you'll find a lot of other people on this board that were the same.

I suggest you get to some marriage counselling ASAP if you want to try to work through your problems.

Good luck and your not alone out there!

Miker

I haven't read Dr Laura's book and will try to find it this weekend. Thanks.

As for counseling, I tried to get us help before he left. In fact he arranged the first appointment. But he left before we made it.

Since New Year's week, I started getting therapy for myself. I don't want to continue feeling this way. I am sending out bad signals and I have to get to the root of the issue. My H won't talk to me, so I don't know what our outcome will be. I am sure he is not seeking counseling because the only counsel he turns to is God. He won't even bring our marriage up to his friends. He feels they have no business in his business. I advised that he fellow with others so they can share ideas with him, but he says the Bible is all he needs. So this is why I am still holding out in hope that he sticks to scripture and not waver...not wander off into other relationships. Because scripture is pro-marriage and not pro-divorce.

Thanks for the advice.
Nomoregames

I am still not clear why he left...and why he won't speak to you at all.....

do you know where he lives...
what about finances...

why does he say he left...

ark

Ark^^,
First of all I truly enjoy reading your comments because you put logic in them...I enjoy everyone else's as well.

Second of all, you are just as confused as I am. I barely got my feet wet as a wife and was fishing my way to do well, before he left.

My H told me after he left that he started to feel like the wife. That he tried to please me by buying me things and getting the latest DirectTV channels for me, and treating me with TIVO and I was not appreciating them. I supported him in watching his favorite shows, eventhough, I didn't totally agree with them (like Fear Factor--he made me watch it while we were eating spaghetti and the cast were eating road kill...I nearly lost my dinner). He and I are from the same neighborhood, however, I moved out when I was elementary school. So his background is used to crime, violence, muggings, and the like, where I am used to feeling a bit more secure with my surroundings. Not worried about deadbolting everything I own... So he didn't like me leaving the garage door open whenever I was doing yard work. (We were in the country and the neighborhood is so nice. I was only in the front yard and would see if anyone tried to break-in.)

So he felt I was being domineering...and I tried everything I had not to be that way. Every decision made was with his final say. Even the house we bought, even the couch...

So why did I bring up our background? He is not accustom to living in a rural, suburban neighborhood. And may not be used to having nice things all the time. I called myself bringing him up to my standards, but he took it as me taking over. I look back now, and see that I made too many changes for him in a short period of time. He even mentioned after he left that maybe we should have gotten an apartment first, then make a major step to buy a house later. (I was looking at interest rates and a great time to buy, but what I did was overwhelm him.) My background is well diverse in travelling all over the world (I lived in Europe for 2 years, and lived in Korea for 1 year), my experiences in life is beyond what most women have experienced. He is accustomed to being the end all for a woman's needs, and I felt uncomfortable having him take care of everything for me. I took our marriage as being a team member, but to step back and ensure he takes lead.

He would make suggestions, and I would provide my opinions. He would take my opinions as the final say...which they weren't. He would take it as an argument. And it never was. I was just giving my opinion. So then I tried the approach not to provide my opinion and just go along with it...then he took it as me patronizing him. (UGH!) I felt like I couldn't win. Maybe he saw me as the one with all the answers and wanted me to make all the decisions. But then was upset whenever I did.

Also, he has a memory like an elephant. I may make a comment and then forgot about it, and he would remind me weeks later and say "But you said..." That would just drive me up a wall, at the time. So I felt like he didn't trust me. Then I felt neglected, because he stop inviting me to join him in TV watching. Then loneliness set in.

On top of all other things, he would stay on the internet for hours at a time. Well we met on the internet, so I didn't know if he was seeking someone else or not. I would have to ask him to come to bed. Then he stop coming to bed and started sleeping on the couch, saying he had a cold and didnt' want to pass it on. More loneliness and more depression set in...

Well, I still love him, but I wish he would come around and realize that I am the same girl he fell in love with before we married. I just didn't know how to handle the stresses of all that was going on with new job, new house, and at same time learning to be a good wife.

I will continue to pray and hope. I miss him so much. He called me last week, but called while I was at work. His number is unlisted so my caller ID couldn't pick up his number. I just miss talking to him, holding him, telling him how much I love him. How much he means to me. I just hope all is not lost. I hope time becomes kinder to both of us and help heal whatever he is going through. As for me, therapy is doing a big help. I am working on my fear of rejection and abandonment and am starting to do things without thinking about him constantly. My birthday is Monday and I plan to do SOMETHING this weekend to celebrate. Don't know what...

Financially, I am doing it all...new mortgage, all utilities, everything...that hurts, as well. But you know I struggled when I was a college student, and now I am brushing off my old technics to get buy...(like if you want lemonade at a restaurant, ask for water with lemon, then add sweetner. Voila, you got lemonade.) He found a job elsewhere and is living with his Mom.

I am a survivor, but I just wish I was with him.
Nomoregames

I just want to share something with everyone today...Last night my Mom calls to tell me that my H's parking ticket from another state showed up in her mailbox a third time. Then something snapped in my head...I realized that my H is an immature kid. Eventhough he is over 40, he is not as responsible as I expected him to be. Which may be the reason why I was upset shortly after we married. My thoughts were if he can't take care of his responsibilities, then how is he going to take care of me and whatever kids we may have? I panicked.

I am listening to a meditation tape when I drive to and from work, and it says that I am to not resent, but to stay calm and deal with things in a calm manner. How do you train a 40+ man on being responsible. Apparently his Mom didn't do it very well. Someone told me yesterday that I need to be like his Mom and do the things she would have done. His Mom is an enabler. Nothing he does is wrong. Which is why he ran home to her in November. My Mom even said (like any other mother I talked to with grown children) that if I ran home and knowing I am married, she would allow me to stay for a short period of time...like a week or two, then send me back to my husband to work it out. I am not a child and my Mom wouldn't treat me as such. However, his Mom (who screens my calls from caller ID) states she doesn't want to get involved, so she never talks to me. My H says she doesn't want to get involved or talk to me in case things work out, she fears I will have resentment towards her...well she is a day late and dollar short there. Because in my opinion she is involved. Her enabling behavior is allowing her grown son to live as long as he wish in her home, and she is preventing his wife from ever speaking to him. She even turns off the answering machine when she sees it is my number. I have told my husband that I don't appreciate being treated like some Saturday night hussy. I am his wife.

I forgive my husband for leaving me...and I already told him that. But if we ever get back together, I don't know how I can forgive my mother-in-law for doing such a vile thing. I wish she will stop treating him like a baby (although he is the youngest of the siblings) and let him go, grow and be a man.

Nomoregames