Hi Orchid and mortarman,

is this better now?

My dear *,

I’m sitting here in a NYC hotel room, thinking about us, our marriage and our family.
We are at a point, where I can no longer sit back and watch you raise somebody else’s children while ours are crying for you over here.
The affair is hurting our family very much and therefore, in order to make our children feel safe again and to get our lives back on track, I have to take these measures.

I do take full responsibility for my contribution in making your affair with * possible. I have made many mistakes in our marriage and now we are all suffering for
those mistakes.
I am working on myself not to make the same mistakes again and it would be great if we could work together on making our marriage healthy again as well.
But we cannot do that until you end your relationship with * once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. If you want to communicate with our children, you can still do so via email and phone.
Please do respect my decision to separate from you this way.
I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.

As soon as you are willing to ensure total separation, giving us all the opportunity to visit each other as often as possible in Oklahoma as well as in Germany to work on this issue, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I still want us to be able to rebuild our marriage and our family some day.
I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.
We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes the two of us and our children happy.
Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.
I want us to be best friends, friends that are always there for each other when needed.

*, I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day.
I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing *.


With my love
dakota

Thanks Orchid and mortarman for your support. Times are kind of rough at the moment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

By the way mortarman; I did try to Plan A but since my WH has not been home since last year July for 3 days, I don't know.
We talk on the phone and I wrote him a letter about my feelings and he calls whenever he feels I'm backing off or if he needs any paperwork to, as he says, work on a compassionate reassignment. But how to find out if he really does talk to his sergeant major about returning to Germany? Any idea's mortarman?
You all take care
dakota <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Me 39
WH 34
OW 30
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
Exposed by OW's girlfriend 6/6/2004

My Story

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: dakotamoon ]</small>

Start off with why you love him & why you married him. It is supposed to be a positive letter.

Thank you Chris for your advice!
I'll try my best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
It is always kind of hard for me to find the right words, since I am a german national and english is not my mother tongue.
Any suggestions about the overall start?

Thanks again!

dakota <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi everybody,


revised again! Any better now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My dear *,

I’m sitting here in a NYC hotel room, thinking about us, our marriage and our family.
When we met 12 years ago, I loved you from the moment you had your buddy hit on me, since you were too shy to do it yourself.
I loved your commitment for me and our children, I loved the way you took care of your job and I was and I am very proud of everything you accomplished during those 12 years.
I loved all the little things you’ve done, like bringing home flowers, taking our kids with you wherever you would go, helping me to take care of the house and the kids etc.

I still remember the day, the MP came in the room with his dog, I thought you would go and kick him in the butt. Or the other day, when it snowed so much and you waited for me for hours, being so worried, that you came running out the building with only your shorts on…at about -4C!
I could go on like this for hours with many more reasons why I married you!
Unfortunetely some things have changed and we are now at a point, where I can no longer sit back and watch you raise somebody else’s children while ours are crying for you over here.
The affair is hurting our family so very much by now, that in order to make our children feel safe again and to get our lives back on track, I have to take these measures.

I do take full responsibility for my contribution in making your affair with * possible. I have made many mistakes in our marriage and now we are all suffering for
those mistakes.
I am working on myself not to make the same mistakes again and it would be great if we could work together on making our marriage healthy and fun again, like it used to be a couple of years ago!
But I’m afraid we cannot do that until you end your relationship with * once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. If you want to communicate with our children, you can still do so via email and phone.
Please do respect my decision to separate from you this way.
I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.
I still love you very much but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to ensure total separation, giving us all the opportunity to visit each other as often as possible in Oklahoma as well as in Germany and beeing a family again, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I still want us to be able to rebuild our marriage and our family some day.
I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.
We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes the two of us and our children happy.
Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate.
I want us to be best friends, friends that are always there for each other when needed.

*, I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day.
I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing *.


With my love
dakota


Anymore suggestions? Thanks for all yours great advice! What would I be doing without you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
By the way; do you think it is better to be send by mail or email or does it even matter?

dakota

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: dakotamoon ]</small>

Hi Dakota,

I'm sorry to welcome you here, but under the circumstances, it is a good and helpful place to be.

I like your Plan B letter, except for the part that I pasted below. You did not contribute to making this affair with *** possible. This was your WH's choice, not yours. You contributed to the state that the marriage is currently in, but you certainly did not contribute or encourage the affair. This responsibility lies soley with your WH. I would change this line in the Plan B letter.

Ansonsten wuensche ich Dir alles Gute und Kopf hoch. Das wird schon wieder. Ich weiss, dass das ganz schwer ist und sehr sehr weh tut, aber ich denke, dass bestimmt alles wieder gut wird mit Euch beiden.

Mach's gut!

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dakotamoon:
<strong> I do take full responsibility for my contribution in making your affair with * possible. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong>I like your Plan B letter, except for the part that I pasted below. You did not contribute to making this affair with *** possible. This was your WH's choice, not yours. You contributed to the state that the marriage is currently in, but you certainly did not contribute or encourage the affair. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dakotamoon:
<strong> I do take full responsibility for my contribution in making your affair with * possible. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see a problem. She is not taking responsibility for the affair.
If you want to get picky about it, change it to, "I do take full responsibility for my part of the marriage which made your affair with * possible."

Hallo Kati and Chris,

Danke fuer deine aufmunternden Worte Kati!
Thanks for your support Chris!

I'm glad you like the letter and already as it is, I don't know wether to send it or not, give Plan A some more time or not.
Plan A is hard for me because I am so far away and most of his needs are met by the OW I bet because she is right there with him!

The kids fixed a nice package for him for Valentine's day with german coffee he asked for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , photos, drawings, his favourite sausage etc. and cards.

Should I put a card in from me too or is that already too much?

I bought one, that has a couple on the cover that looks up in the sky, just to see the butt of an angel that is losing his undies and the card says "Oh look, it's a full moon".
Inside it read's just "Happy Valentine's Day" and in the back, the male of the couple has the undies in his face, saying "What the f***".

Good or too iffy?

Thanks again to you all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dakota

me 39
WH 34
OW 30
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
I found oyt 6/6/2004 still trying Plan A

Hi kati and Chris,

thanks for yours support!
I'm sure glad you like my letter, now the question is to send it or not and stay a little longer in Plan A.
It is hard for me to plan A tough because she can meet almost all of his needs because she is there and I am not. So time for Plan B?

The kids fixed up a nice package for him with the german coffee he requested, his favourite german sausages, drawings, cards and photos.

Also paperwork that he says he needs for the compassionate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Should I put a card in from myself too, as long as I am still in Plan A or is that too much?

You all take care and thanks again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


dakota

me 39
WH 34
OW 30
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
I found out 6/6/2004

Hi Dakota,

I read your revised letter and it is much improved....Plan B is a love letter....the second draft really shows that. I esp. liked the first two paragraphs of the second letter...as I read it, I was lost in a moment....it should help WS to remember the good stuff. Don't forget to add the section on the bottom to OW and send to her. That part helped break the A in my case because FWH was lying to OW about how I was okay with them being together...NOT....it sent her into a nutty fit and she LB'd him, big time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and wake up FWH.

When I went through this experience...I stayed in Plan A as long as I could and did as much as I could....but went to Plan B because you need to protect the love you have left...not just words really true. BS's need alot of love for the recovery process. I gave Plan A a big effort...I did things for WS that I knew he would like and bought him a few things...he rejected them all along the way...but I knew they made a difference. The first time I went to Plan B, I delayed it because H had a time that he asked me to go on....I did because I knew I could bank a little more without LB'ing.

Soooooo, Dakota, how is your love bank? Going to Plan B is a personal timetable thing...do you still have love left...can you go a little longer to bank some more or do you have just a little left?

A really inspiring posting to search for is from lostva (search by member # 2596). I walked around for months with her story in my journal...it kept me going. She writes in her posting about how she Plan A her FWH even though he was living with OW. She dropped him notes all the time which might help you to Plan A long distance....and how to drop a card in the package from the kids....nothing serious...more funny and hopeful. Also check postings of ark...she writes about being the light of life in plan A...that was a good thing for me. That was kind of the approach I took. Instead of I love you cards, which he would have rejected, I bought him things that would make him laugh...that is what helped him to be attracted back to me.

I just want to say...that I am sorry that you are experiencing this....it really crummy, sweetie....but it is good that you are here....to give your M the best possible chance of recovery....MB improves your odds of saving your M or moving on, both good things. Chances are strong that H will return and when that happens, you'll want to be ready....MB and the board will help you with that. Search for topics and articles and you will find help here.

Keep the faith and keep posting....may God give you strength and watch over you in journey. ss

Hi suresurvivor,

thanks for your post, it came at the right time!
I was just sitting here with my best friend, showing her my Plan B letter (her husband was my husbands best friend too. Now he does not even answer his mails anymore).
However, we were just debating wether I should send this letter now or not and she said no I should not yet because as far as she knows my WS, he would just say...okay then, if you want to put the gun to my chest and force me to do something, I won't do that for sure.

I don't really know about how much love I have left for him and whenever I tell him that I might not make it til summer or even later til he returns, knowing that he won't quit with the OW until then and only then. I know he will not end it before the paperwork to come back to Germany is in his hands, then he will sneak out...
If the military does not approve his request he'll stay with her, I know that too. So now the question is; do I really want a man like that back?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Well, your post helped me a lot and I will give it a little more time.
I'm pretty down at the moment, knowing that he takes care of all her problems and her children, not even bothering about us, calling us or else.

I hope you will follow my threats and give me some more advice along the way, good luck to you too!

dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dakatomom,

You are getting good support from Kati, Chris and SS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Chris is great at getting to the heart of a matter. Let's see if he can give another round of input, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for the plan B letter, you have stated what is in your heart. Remember you are writing this letter from you the BS to the WS (not your H). You want to reference your H because that is the person you love and miss but also acknowledge the recipient is the WS who he now is. That H of yours is being held captive there somewhere deep down in his soul. I think your H wants out - who wouldn't? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That given, do you understand that the letter is to set the background so that you can move forward? I didn't say D though you should prepare for it as such but to move forward and stay strong for you. Your love for your H and your family. That's the purpose of plan B. To let the WS know you love your H but as long as he is the WS, you must set boundaries in place to protect you and your family. That is why I suggested you take out some of the "I's" and input more 'our family' to show you are a single entity (you and your family). The love and hate coming from him will hit all of you (though you will take the biggest impact of the bad portion). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pass that by your friend. Let her read about plan B in the concepts section.

NOTE: Plan B could head you straight for D. But then that would mean a D was going to happen anyway and you shortened the pain of drawing it out until you could no longer continue. Plan B also restores your dignity and respect. You love your H but do not tolerate disrespect from the WS.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Alright, I'll chime in.

You are German, correct?
What is the reason you are not with your husband in the states? Did you go back to Germany after being here with him?

I don't think Plan B at this point would do much, except, as orchid pointed out, go straight to a divorce.
Plan B is to stop filling any of the needs of the ws and to get the op to do it all. It also separates you from all the turmoil.

If you went to Plan B, your h is stationed in the states and he couldn't come back, even if he wanted too (without getting out of the military).
Also, right now he has all the time with the ow he wants and you couldn't really fill any of his needs, even if you wanted too.

I never went to Plan B, cause my situation is similar to yours.
When my (now ex) wife took off, we had very, very limited contact. She asked me to stop sending letters or calling.
In my situation, Steve Harley agreed that Plan B would not do much at all. Kind of silly to ask her to stop contacting me (Plan B) when she never had contact with in the first place.

Do a sort of limited Plan B (okay everyone, I know you should not modify Plan B. But...)
Don't send a (regular) Plan B letter. You could send a shortened version of it and leave out the parts about no contact. Leave the rest so he knows you are not (yet) looking to end the marriage. Don't write that you are going to divorce him if he continues as he is. This should not be a "Dear John" letter.

You can limit your own contact to him. You do not need to contact him. If he calls, be polite. Keep it short & sweet.
Let the kids continue to do it and let him contact the kids if he wants.
After some time, if he continues to do nothing with your marriage, then you will not love him and will not want to save the marriage.
This will come when you, not when you hate him for all this but when you simply do not want him anymore.

Make sense?

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hi Chris,

thank you very much for your great advice!
What you say is exactly what my fear is as well; if I send him the Plan B and he knows he cannot come back here he might just take the easy way out.

On the other hand, of course the OW can fill all his EN's and from a call I got from her girlfriend spy early december he also lies to the OW, as for example he tells her the divorce is as good as final and we never even filed!

When the OW found out about that,she freeked and half an hour later, my WH send me an email, stating that he did not want to go on like this, him trying to make everybody happy and so on and that he did not want to prolong this anymore and that it would be better for all of us to end this.

So I called him the next day to ask him if this was really what he wanted and he said no..., he was so confused and did not know what to do, so now what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He always tells me that he wants to come back and try to get an assignment over here but why did he not even come for Xmas to visit us ?

Chis, I stayed with our children in Germany because we have been stationed here for the last 10 years, they go to german schools and we had always agreed for the children and I to stay in our own house since we planned to retire over here in 6 years.

Also I had cancer and the tumor was removed in 1999 and so since I am still seeing my german doctors to be treated, I got what you call a full logistical support from the military for the children and I to stay here.

WH and I thought that for me beeing here with logistical support it would be easier for him to get assigned back here after a year or so.
I wonder why at times he calls and stresses about getting a certain paperwork he needs and then at other times doesn't even ask about anything anymore. Is this fog?

Well, already last may before I found out about the A I startet having a funny feeling about the way he actet and so I told him that I was seriously thinking about moving to the US to be with him and at that point of course he said something like... No, I don't want you and the children to come, it's a bad place over here for families blablabla...
Now I know why he did not want us there.
He always had told me how much he hated this town he is at now and all of a sudden now,he tells me that he doesn't see it as bad anymore because he is getting used to the place?!

Or getting used to the OW?

I guess there is not much for me to do at this point except for me to take care of myself and the children and as you say Chris, limit the times I call or email him. I really got to do that because I realized before that if we don't call him for a while or don't email him back, he starts writing and calling more for maybe a week until he thinks he's got us back on track.

He'll even write stuff like ...It's driving me crazy not to be able to talk to you all...or...I love and miss you all so much and I am happy to have you and the children in my life...or...things might be rough now but this is only gonna be temporary...

Does he really mean that at that time and why does he forget about it again as soon as we give in a little more? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


Thanks again very much Chris, so how are you doing by the way?

Got to go for now and get breakfast ready, so you all take care

dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Me 39
WS 34
OW 30
married 11 years
S10,D4
A startet 12/2003
exposed by OW's spy to me 6/6/2004

<bumping> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />