I know this should be on the Plan A/B board but there's not much action over there.

I think I came to a very shocking realization last night. Have been doing plan A since a few days after D day (12/6/04).
Also, my husband has been filling my love bank without even knowing it, as his AD meds were doubled and he is now a pleasure to be around. No anger, rages etc.
Things have never been better as far as the way we treat each other and try to meet the EN's. We did the questionnaire and have gone over most of it. In a nutshell, he is treating me the way I have wanted him to treat me. I am doing the same for him.
I do believe the PA is over, however, he still seems to be so emotionally attached to OW. More so than I realized. I think I am just realizing it now. He forgot to log out of his email the other day and I saw an email to OW. He called her dear and signed it Love always, WS. He told her he enjoyed their phone conversation the night before and he wishes it could have been in person. Every word was filled with concern and caring for her. He hopes she doesn't get her heart broken by her boyfriend and she deserves so much more than that blah blah blah. She's had the boyfriend for 6-8 years. OW told me 6 yrs. WS told me 8. So I am not sure but I am guessing OW would know better than my WS. (lol)
I have talked to OW many times and she says she can't help what my WS does, even though she's told him it's over. She said she has held up her end of the deal which was to tell him it is over and not to contact him. But if he attempts to contact her, she cant do anything about it. He went out of town on a job and she called me everyday from a land line in our town to show she was here and not with WS. She called me and said she wanted to to this. I did not ask. She does love her boyfriend and actually called my WS baggage in one of our conversations. She is hoping for a ring from her boyfriend next month.
Apparently my husband is the only one who she can confide in about her situation with her boyfriend and her daughter. WS told me that, not her. She's told me she's not needy and has plenty of friends. He just seems to think he is her world but she tells me otherwise.
WS and I had it out last night and it was awful. He basically said that it makes him angry that I've asked for his passwords and phone bills and that he is not going to give them to me because he is still in contact with OW. He is absolutely NOT going to give me the bills and passwords.

He said because of all his "issues" that he is not ready to stop contacting OW right now and he doesn't know when he will be ready. It may take weeks or years!
He said that one day he is not going to just decide who he is going to pick. It has to happen naturally. He told me that if I make him move out it will just give him reason to go back to OW's arms. Is this manipulation or what?
He also said that OW does not want him anyway, she's chosen her BF.
If she doesn't get the ring she's hoping for, then that will give her reason to go back to my husband and start the PA all over again!!!
Last night we threw around some major LB's but we also got a lot out.
He said that he has so much on his plate and he has to heal himself and get healthy before he can commit to anything in our marriage.
He got a DWI, lost his job, we had a house fire, lots of expensive car problems and then I got sick. He's had issues with his parents and brother. They don't have a very loving family. Also he is going through alcohol treatment, however he has not quit drinking. He has stopped the hard stuff but still drinks wine and beer every couple nights. ( I've been drinking a lot lately too and know I am being totally an enabler - I know that but I am trying to numb my thoughts and feelings I think.)
All of these major problems have happened just since June! I also had eye surgery and there's even more that I won't bore you with.
He resents me terribly I think. Even though he is still filling my love bank. It makes no sense to me.
I have a feeling that he is making me his doormat until he gets a new job and gets his life back in order. My counselor basically told me he's a loser and I should get the heck out - NOW. She said I have set no boundaries for him and he will walk all over me until I do.
That is why I am wondering, is it time for plan B? Even if it drives him back into OW's arms like he said?
I don't know what to do anymore. I am such an emotional wreck. I have set time limits in my own mind but based on what he said last night I don't see an end in sight and I just can't live like this. How do you plan A'ers do it? Please give me some suggestions. I don't know what to do.
He also told me that he has no faith that things will stay the way they've been recently between us and that as long as OW is there I have competition to keep him. Can you believe that????? He said if she were out of the picture, things would go back the way they were before. He seems to see no point in trying, even though some of his actions show he is.
He is so confused and I just think the best thing may be for me to get out of his life for awhile. We have two kids though and he said won't leave. What can I do? thanks so much

Can you do some phone counseling with Steve H? Or go to a good MC.

Your WS is playing you to keep you as his partner in enabling the A. As long as you allow it, he will keep up this charade. With this OW or another...doesn't matter, he is being disrespectful to you.

If he can't make up his mind, then he should not get the family's benefits as if he is being a good H and father.

What have you read from here (book wise)?

L.

Hi Suzy - David here:

I think it's too soon for Plan B, but I really thing the problem may be more based on the alcohol rather than the A - try to get him into rehab more seriously - tell them he is still drinking!

According to Dr. Harley, who's run several drug addiction clinics, there can be no repair of the marriage until the addiction is gone.

I'll bet your husband is sending emails, etc after a couple of drinks - he hasn't had time to realize anything is over - he has too many addictions to deal with at once.

Take them one at a time, and keep on plan A - you should for at least three months, according to the good Dr - unless your family is in any kind of immediate danger - doesn't sound that way - sounds like the OW may be just as frustrated as you...

David

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Suzy,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though he is still filling my love bank </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It appears that we have some different opinions on what that statement means. Reread your post and please point out to us where these deposits are hidden. This appears to be a very angry man that in his alcoholic rages, belittles your very existence. This man(and possibly you) may need some alcohol counseling.

This might be against Dr Harley's advice but I think this situation screams for plan B. He appears to not have the OW to go back to if what you write is accurate. You say that she called you to insure her physical presence when your husband was out of town, that appears to be an impressive action by the OW.

No job, no wife, no girlfriend and no alcohol if you boot his *ss out the door. Sounds like a workable plan to me.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

thank you for your replies.
Orchid, he told me last night that he doesn't think we need MC. He needs to figure himself out first and it appears that isn't going to happen for a long time. My IC basically says I should kick his [censored] out the door and should've done that long before he ever had an affair.
He actually contacts her when he is completely sober. It is during the lunch hour. text messages. early morning chats on the internet, phone calls from his office at work. Since he does not dare drink and drive anymore, it's all completely sober.
I am reading Surviving an affair but at this point it is really doing me no good. It was at first but I hurt so much I don't think I can keep up with plan A any longer.

David,
hey good to hear from you. Thanks for your input. He is home now after finally talking to his parents about this tonight for the first time. He called me on his way home and we got in an arguement. I went to IC today and she basically told me how stupid I am for keeping this selfish man in my life. She feels that he is just trying to fill my love bank so that I don't kick him out for now. He wouldn't have any where to go and she is probably right.

Cymanca,

I did re-read my posts and you're right. There really is no indication of any love bank deposits. You are right. His rages are not during his drinking. He always drank at night after the rest of us went to bed and then he'd pass out wherever he was. His rages are during his sober time. He was a gross type drunk actually, that's why I went to bed. When he was drunk he was very mellow, just slurry and gross to be around.

I think what I have been looking for here is your reply. Everyone on marriagebuilders tries to work so hard on plan A. I thought it was a wonderful concept, until the past couple days.
How can I get him to move out? I don't want to bring up his angry moments to the police and get a restraining order or anything like that.
Why do I think I still love this man? Is it really because I am in competition with OW like he thinks? I don't know if I could handle the kids emotionally if he did move out. Right now I feel like I'm being such a bad mom becuase my focus is on H and not on them. They are the ones who will be with me forever. He could be gone tomorrow, if he decides that's what he wants. I am just so upset and don't know what I can do. thank you all for your input.
Can someone help push me into Plan B. please???