WW has been making comments expressing frustration, and even some anger that I have made changes in my life that are positive, and for the most part are changes she WANTED before the A.

How should I take this?

Is she upset because maybe she thinks I didn't care enough to change when she was W?

Is she mad because she thinks that I am moving on without her?

Does she think my changes are just to manipulate her?

Keep in mind that I am not telling her about the changes, the kids are.

you apologize for not having made them sooner...

you acknowledge that you wish you had...
and you apoligize for those thing that she had spoken to you about changing..by saying things...

I am sorry that I didn't listen well to you when you would say you wish I would do ______________

OR
you say...I wish that you had told me that you felt this way about ________________because I never wanted to become someone who would make you feel "neglected" or what ever the feeling..

hosea...these are good moments of communication..
where you express you sorrow over your pre-affair actions....

and you mirror back that you are listening to her....

the changes aren't manipulation....the changes are because they serve...you her and the family better than ever.....

hosea...don't plan B her....even with the legal issues...you need to plan A her

ARK

Ark,

TY for the advice, the problem is that she is not telling ME these things, she makes the comments to our kids. One time she told me in an email that she thought I was doing this to "buy the kids"

I am trying to Plan A, but there is no communication that really allows me to.

She plans on being at DS therapy session tomorrow, hopefully that will be an opportunity (B4 or After, NOT DURING).

I'm concerned that she is going to want to have the kids after the appointment, and we already have plans, she will be ticked, and think I am poisoning the kids, but I would never, and they know that. I also cannot simply let her take them wherever, because she will bring them straight to OM & I cannot allow that.

Hosea-

I think Ark's reply was right on target. I wouldn't have thought to say/do those things....good thing we have people on here that are so smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Caren<---------Not too street smart

LOL

I don't think she's "MAD" at you exactly...well, maybe she's MAD, but I don't think she mad BECAUSE you changed.....I think she's noticing the changes, and it's throwing a wrench in the perfect plan......Oh noooooo....LOL

I would say that's exactly what it is, and you could diffuse her anger by doing what Ark said.....I mean, if you have to say "The kids said you were upset with me for ___________". Ark articulated it much better than I can....

In any event, I think it's a great sign for you.....keep on keepin' on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hosea_2004:
<strong>Does she think my changes are just to manipulate her?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is likely part of it. By eliminating your "faults" you are eliminating her excuses to have an affair. Her reaction: The best defense is a good offense, hence the potential that she feels "manipulated". How could you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Overall, this is good. She HAS to be pissed at you because you are slowly but surely tainting her fantasy.

Yup.....gotta screw with their bliss to wake 'em up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The thing I find monumentally funny is that the thing that is screwing with them is YOUR self improvement LOL.....How dare you go and be a better person....that's below the belt LOL!!!! Stop showing me unconditional love and improving things....you are chipping away at her perfect plan I'm tellin' ya....she's interested in what's going on with you.....so she jabs you a little, to see if you flinch...you don't flinch, she thinks "hmmmmmm that didn't affect him....what's going on here?!?!!" So she'll send another warning shot across your bow....to which you will again, not engage......this little tradin' paint thing she's doing is a fantastic sign.....she's making some close passes....doing a few fly by's to see if she can ruffle you......then thinking "Hang on....I used to be able to ruffle him, why can't I now?" I wouldn't doubt if soon she was accusing YOU of having someone on the side.

Great work, keep it up

-Caren

Agree for the most part with WAT.

My FWW went through some of what yours is going through. With me it was why are you spending so much time with the kids now, are you trying to turn them against me? Well #1 I was spending more time with them because she was spending less and they were to little to be alone and #2 I didn't need to turn them against her as they saw the changes in her and didn't like them or what she was doing to me. In fact I was doing my best to keep them from turning on her.

In my case it was a positive sign since up to that point she hadn't even noticed that she was leaving the kids with me all the time or how they were reacting to her.

Sometimes my friend reality sucks, and when it hits a WS between the eyes they don't like it.

Sounds to me that you are headed down the correct path. Make sure you you continue making changes that you need to make and that you are doing them for the right reasons. After all, no matter how she reacts, the right thing is the right thing.

Best of luck to you. Keep on plan Aing and always remembe that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

While apologizing for your part is a great tactic to defuse her anger, be careful that you do not fall into the begging, pleading, saying 'I love you' 'I've changed' for it will not only fail it will reinforce her beleif that what she did was right. Make your apologies short and sweet and leave her alone.

TMCM

From my own experience...My XW ..note I said EX WIFE refused to listen to me regarding changes I was making prior to her divorce action. She refused to acknowledge them, to her the changes were an "act.... to manipulate her further". They were not an act. I addressed my anger issues, my need to be in control, my "visions of normalcy" as I would call them.....( I grew up in a very dysfunctional family...what I thought was normal...IS NOT!!)...

within weeks of the divorce being final she came right out and said...."Isn't it great that you made all those changes for someone else's benefit?" She told me she "did not buy it" and further did not trust me..She also told me she was really mad at me....for waiting....and for ruining "half her life"....At this time I laid my ground work for it "always being on the table"...

Fast forward to our recovery now.....

she tells me that "she needed to change too"...and that was what the problem was during our divorce and afterwards..she had not changed....


I liek ark's advice... a lot....