I have been married 5 yrs. I have come to a point where I want out of this disatrous relationship. My emotional needs are not being met. My husband is abusive. Last night we were playing he'll nudge me on shoulder I'll nudge him back he'll grab me tight and I'll try to tickle him or stomp his foot if he grabs me to tight. He popped my back and I told him to stop. I yelled " I don't like you "he said the feeling is mutual and smiled. Then I got up and left. When I came back he apologized. Now we go to bed he kicks me while laying down I kick him back. He scratches me, twist my skin on my arms or where ever he can grab. He pinches the [censored] out of me. I do it back to him then he got raging angry He pulled my hair(i just got it styled and it ain't cheap) I got up and hit him with a PILLOW he gets up grabs me and was reared his fist back and was yelling OOOH YOU MAKE ME JUST WANT TO BEAT THE [censored] OUT OF YOU! This man was ready to hit me and I just knew he was going to punch me in the face for hitting him with a PILLOW.

This is not the 1st time this has happened to where he plays like that and then gets mad when I give him challenge to let him know he ain't just gonna keep inflicting physical pain although it is pinching, pushing, and tight grip holds to the point it hurts. This is the second time. The first time was the day b4 X-mas 2004. After it is over he'll apologize. I want out bcuz its just a matter of time b4 he actually punches me.

I didn't mind the horseplay at 1st bcuz it didn't bother me. I am 29 and he 31 I am just tired bcuz it hurts and he gets mad when I give him challenge and it's like he wants me to give him a reason to punch me. I slept in my daughters room. Thank God they were at my mothers home both times.

Other issues that make me want a divorce finances, employment, and lack of emotional comfort no romance. I hate him.

He apologized but I feel it was not sincere. I feel like he is not for me. He has always kinda been cruel to me.

Okay, I don't mean to be cruel but before you posted your ages I thought maybe my 3 and 5yo had gotten on the board. It sounds like what they would type if they knew how.

Maybe you two need to give up the horseplay altogether for now. And more importantly you need to address the threat of physical abuse. Just the threat is waay to much. You need to get this figured out before it escalates and long before you start to work on your M if in fact that is what you decide to do.

I guess on that aspect I'm a little confused why you would come to a site called MBers if you want out of your M?

Maybe with more detail and honest thoughts from you we can give you more/better? advice.

Well, I know this is a violation of all MB principles but I'm typing it anyway. Get the h*** out. Now.

When I was in college, I dated a guy that used to do that kind of thing. His favorite stunts were to grab me by the collar bone (I can't even begin to describe how much that hurt) or laying on top of me and basically holding me down, even when I had a class to go to.

He also emotionally abused me by saying that if I broke up with him, he's call all my friends and family and tell them what a b**** I was and try to turn them against me. My self-esteem was so low at the time I didn't think I could do any better.

Well somehow I wised up and got out of that relationship.

Surely you have family/friends that can help you? Just get out and do it now. No one should have to tolerate abuse, MB principles or not.

Oh believe me I know it's childish that's why I stated our ages. He has cheated twice that I know of. I came to MB to get help to see if I'm over reacting to this childsplay. It's crazy that I didn't leave when he cheated. I never got to the bottom of it with all the questions that continue to run through my mind. He will not answer bcuz he says I will just hold it over him and throw back in his face. I just need closure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He does not held a job for a year straight yet. I have been at my job for 3 yrs. I am the main provider. He is not disabled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Before all the drama with the adultery, I didn't get my hair done bcuz I was payin bill, school supplies for our children, maintaing my car. Buying clothes for myself and hair was not important. These are the issues that he told our friends that my hair looked awful, I din't dress well, and I don't look the way I did in HIGH SCHOOL. IF YOU COULD SEE ME YOU WOULD SAY HE IS BLIND. I have 3 children 5'8 145 lbs. He never had a complaint of she don't care for the kids, she don't work, she don't do this or that. It was all so superficial. I feel good about me. When he gets fired, I pay the bills. Even when he is working I still contribute.

I am hurt, angry, and feel like dumb azz for caring a person so immature. I am so beyond this crap. I believe in having fun or being a kid at heart but this is to damn rediculous.

First things first....


YOU stop the horseplay with him first.

I am not condoning his behavior...but you are NO better or worse than him. You each have to cut out the hitting, pinching, and physical horseplay. No more hitting him with a pillow!!!

It is not a double standard here where when a woman kicks it is her anger and justified, and when a man kicks it is abuse. You are ABUSING EACH OTHER.

You CAN control your behavior. You can ask him to control his. Explain the horseplay has gotten out of hand and you will no longer hurt him, and ask him to no longer hurt you.

If it continues, then....

This feels so silly, but it is really bothering me because the look in his face was like he wanted to bash my face and it is the 1st time that I ever felt scared of him.

Ya know, my husband and I always got into these little play fight games....he would always initiate, and we never got to the point of hurting each other, in fact, he always said I hit like a girl...LOL Well obviously I wasn't trying to hurt my husband...it was all in fun, and we'd then get tired from laughing so much and stop.

I have seen other men act more like the husband in this post. Mainly boyfriends of friends, where they'd think that it was funny to light a lighter under there girlfriends butt, and not stop until the girl felt it....yeah that guy would have a lighter shoved up his nose...or they'd do the pinch the skin and twist thing...I could barely stand to be around, and it wasn't happening to me...I'm like "OMG how can you stand that?!?! I would flatten his @ss then leave" But my friend thought it was funny. It's one thing to horseplay with another guy like this, quite another when it's your wife, IMHO.

I don't think you're over reacting at all...I think he probably feels inadequate because he's not working....and probably holds some anomosity towards you because you 'messed up' his girlfriends on the side. I would get the hell out of there now......find out if you can fix it later.

-Caren

I am just to old for this. I should have never played around with him in the 1st place. I found out about the cheating in June 2003. We just tried to work it out. I sweep it under the rug, he doesn't want to talk I don't force it. He was just given the boot Wednesday of his current job on his Birthday.

I bought him a cake, balloons, cologne, a card. For my birthday nothing ( well he took me to the movies ) better than nothing at all right!

Valentines day last year nothing and I gave him nothing.


I don't know I guess we are just through. I'm tired.

Oaky, first you were not a dumb @ss for staying after he cheated. The fact that it was never really addressed on the other hand just made things worse but as far as I'm concerned the only issue here is abuse or the threat of it.

I worked for many years with a very successful, assertive woman that told me that whenever her and her H got into an argument that her H would always raise his fist and say you know what I could do to you.... she would follow that with but he's never hit me. I DON'T CARE!!!! THAT IS ABUSE!!! I'm 6'2" 200 lbs, Mrs. E is 5'2" 115 lbs, you don't think we both know I could kick her @ss? We do, so if I were to threaten that it's the same as doing it. When OM pointed a loaded gun at me he didn't have to actually shoot me for me to know that it was wrong.

REgardless if you ever get to the point that you discuss the other issues in your M is irrelevant until you make sure you are safe. You need to make him aware that physical violence or even it's threat will not be tolerated by you. EVER!!

As I and others have said stop the horseplay and explain why to him and then draw the line in the sand. Some things have to be absoulte... besides vodka that is.

Address this issue with him see how that goes and then you can decide how to proceed. But I can not stress this enough, make sure you are safe.

Thanks for your input, I needed some light shed on it. I appreciate all advice given. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Years ago I my wife and I were out with another couple. The husband spent the whole time trying to trip her, punch her in the arm etc. What happened to treating a lady like a lady and not some tomboy play friend. He sounds like an emotionally stunted individual that has homosexual tendencies. He is fighting them by behaving roughly with you. He is sexually frustrated.

Mika... not only do you need to be safe, so do your kids. I didn't realize that three kids had been brought into this world during this mess. How sad. That kind fo environment is NOT GOOD for your kids.

Seems to me that an immediate Plan B is in order. Get out now and ask questions later. I've been there - I've had a "boyfriend" roughhouse with me to the point of physical pain. He also threw me across a room a couple of times. He was 6' 220 pounds, about twice my size.

My ex H was just like your H until I stayed longer than you and he became physical in a way that really hurt. I have injuries that will never heal. My back has been bad ever since he thru me over a big pickup truck from the front passenger side over the 8ft bed and landed behind the frivers side rear bumber. Many other expisodes as well. My children witnessed all and my boys had nightmares for years. This even happened after divorcee. I finally moved many towns over 1 hr away. After divorcee he made nightraids and tore phone off wall so I could not call for help. You need to get away for you and chilren and file an RO -today. Good luck and stay safe. Do you want him raising those children? and being abused.???Think this is all true and much much more -things I do not want said here it was years ago but your thread has brought the past back.

That is a scary thought. I will ask him if he is a homo because you never know. This is odd bahvior. If he is sexually frustrated he should tell me he wants to screw a man in the azz. I will move and quick.

Mika he will beat you do not ask him if he is a HOMO -omg - I always believed my ex was a homo and my youngest son is. My ex never made love fun it was good before M then after it became apinful and he was hurtful. That turned him on and I learned how much he hated women in gernal. The only good thing that happened to me was he moved in with my best friend? and she is 11 yrs older than me. She looks awful now. He looks awful as well. Evil begets evil and they are a pair. She watches him and he has to watch her. Both are cheats ..hehehe. but he is a terrible excuse for a man.

What should I do call his friends and ask them if he is gay. I betcha' somebody will tell me I need to know if he is a homo. If they were homo's wouldn't they want him to himself and tell me. What Bart is saying has some merit. Why would you be so rough with a woman always trying to wrestle get mad if I get tough with him. He has asked for anal sex and I have refused. I can't X that out. I am shaking.

Obviously I understand why you would want to know if your husband is bi or not but in the mean time you better put down some boundaires to make sure you are safe. After all even if he isn't do you want to be with him if he is going to beat you?

I will also say that while I'm no expert I'm not sure there is any correlation at all between ruff sex and homosexuality.

Mika I think you're getting off track here.

My mind is running in every direction because I don't understand how a person who calls everyday says I love you and helps with the little things and we were just having a great time listening to music and BAM all of sudden he's flying off the handle like he is just so upset with me for some mess he started. I am just shocked that he would raise his fist at me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am angry that he thinks bcuz he says I apologize it's done.
I don't think he fully understands how threatened I felt at that exact moment.

I am going to stay with my mom until I can calm down. I am at my breaking point with this.

Mr.E I am definitely setting boundaries and if he dare crosses it I will have a plan get out call 911 go to my parents.

Slooowwww down Sweetie, one thing at a time. No, do NOT ask him if he is gay, do not ask his friends they think he is gay. Your issue is unneccessay roughness and how to put a stop to this, ASAP. Asking his friends is going to get back to him and you may be in some painful reality from Mr. Roughhouse in retaliation.

I do understand that you have no hope for your marriage, you sound completely burned out. Your complaint other than his affairs is that you are to the point that you are afraid of him. {{{Mika}}} You need to pay close attention to this b/c your instincts are not going to steer you wrong. The first step is to educate yourself.

Here are is the number for the national Domestic Violence Hotline. It's a free call, get off the computer and talk to REAL person about what's been happening. They are really nice people, take the all the time you need to get the help you need.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224

They will help you formulate a plan to deal with the present situation. marriage Builders has plans also to help you should you decide to stay in this marriage but the aggression on your H's part needs to be dealt with FIRST. Can you, will you make the call? KB

Mika... get out, get your kids out, and stay out. The guy clearly is not stable, and you said you don't feel safe. You're wise to stay at your mom;'s; I hope your kids are with you.

Bart's comment was totally off-base. If you look at bart's other posts you will see that he/she has little of value to offer anyone. Bart, isn't it you who would drink and raise the roof and express anger in all sorts of ways to your WW? Mika, do you really want to accept advice from someone liek that?

Even if you suspected it, I would not confront your H with a question on his sexual preference. From the sound of it, it would only infuriate him and you, or worse, one of your kids, could get hurt.