The MC was no help. He asked what I wanted, I was very honest, told him I wanted to learn the tools needed to save our marriage. Then my wife said she wants an immediate divorce. He said, since that's her decision, our task is now to make this transistion as painless as possible for the kids. Also turns out she has retained an attorney and has alredy begun custody and divorce proceedings. Just wanted a 3rd party in the room in case I got mad.

She took all of our money - all of it, to retain this attorney. I am without recourse. She has asked me to move out of the house to make the kids as comfortable as possible, to cause minimal damage, and says that we will now be best of friends, now that she can be happy.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Anyone with any advice?

Hi David,

Your counselor sounds like a real winner.If he gives up so easily on all marriages then I don't understand what he is doing trying to be a Marriage Counselor.Geeze.

Well,all you can do now is hire your own Attorney because she is playing hardball and you don't want to start losing custody,the home,rights,etc.I am sorry it has come down to this so fast.Maybe she is bluffing with the D proceedings,who knows.Some of these WS's threaten D but never follow through.However,you need to protect yourself just in case.DO NOT move out of the house.Separate your bank accounts now and don't let her get at any more money you make.Keep it separate.NO friendship either,not now.Keep it calm but don't let her run this show.Know your rights.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Hi David,

Your counselor sounds like a real winner.If he gives up so easily on all marriages then I don't understand what he is doing trying to be a Marriage Counselor.Geeze.

Well,all you can do now is hire your own Attorney because she is playing hardball and you don't want to start losing custody,the home,rights,etc.I am sorry it has come down to this so fast.Maybe she is bluffing with the D proceedings,who knows.Some of these WS's threaten D but never follow through.However,you need to protect yourself just in case.DO NOT move out of the house.Separate your bank accounts now and don't let her get at any more money you make.Keep it separate.NO friendship either,not now.Keep it calm but don't let her run this show.Know your rights.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi O -

No, she's quite serious. And she took the money already - there's enough in there for me to get a place. I talked to an attorney, but can't afford his services. I'll call him Mon to see what can be done.

Pete,

I'm really really sorry for the terrible pain you are feeling right now.

The kids are the key.

Would your oldest want to live with you?

What about your middle son?

At 17, the oldest can pretty much choose where he wants to go.

At 11, the judge might consider what the middle one thinks too.

Don't lose your kids if you can avoid it!

BTW, I dont' call that a marriage counselor. Don't give him another penny of your money.

Don't leave the house.

Yeah, who am I to tell you what to do or not do?

Sorry.

I wish I had the answers for you.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong> Pete,

I'm really really sorry for the terrible pain you are feeling right now.

The kids are the key.

Would your oldest want to live with you?

What about your middle son?

At 17, the oldest can pretty much choose where he wants to go.

At 11, the judge might consider what the middle one thinks too.

Don't lose your kids if you can avoid it!

BTW, I dont' call that a marriage counselor. Don't give him another penny of your money.

Don't leave the house.

Yeah, who am I to tell you what to do or not do?

Sorry.

I wish I had the answers for you.

-AD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your care gives you the right to let me know anything. Thank you...

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Tanelornpete,

Listen to MortarMan. He's fought this battle and won.

I'm in a different situation.

I can only imagine the pain.

Take care of yourself and fight for your kids.

If I could have my child, I would let my w go - but Dads get the short end of the stick - especially when its a little girl. I think as long as w doesn't want a D, and things at home don't get any worse, I won't D.

Mortarman knows his stuff. If anybody on here can help you, he can.

-AD

Hello Pete,

I too am sorry to see that this has happend so fast. I agree with Ogirl, your MC sucks! If you can I would suggest a different IC for yourself if you can, just for you own healing. Ogirl also gave you good advice in the seperate accounts and not moving out. Get yourself setup quickly. What about a credit card for the attorney retainer that was what I had to do. Also I'm sure most att. will work a payment plan. I'd use the money that you still have left instead of getting an new place. DON'T move out, make this hard on your WW.

Now I'm not saying to use your kids against your WW. I don't know your whole sitch, but in the future if I do end up Dving my WW I will teach my children about Adultery and they will know what my WW has done. This isn't to punish my WW because by then it will be years, but it is the right thing to do. The kids must know that WW was the one that stepped out of the M and the reasons for that, and that the BS was the one trying to put it together. Again I'm not saying to use your kids, however I would tell them the truth of the matter.

My 2cents,
Native

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> Hello Pete,

I too am sorry to see that this has happend so fast. I agree with Ogirl, your MC sucks! If you can I would suggest a different IC for yourself if you can, just for you own healing. Ogirl also gave you good advice in the seperate accounts and not moving out. Get yourself setup quickly. What about a credit card for the attorney retainer that was what I had to do. Also I'm sure most att. will work a payment plan. I'd use the money that you still have left instead of getting an new place. DON'T move out, make this hard on your WW.

Now I'm not saying to use your kids against your WW. I don't know your whole sitch, but in the future if I do end up Dving my WW I will teach my children about Adultery and they will know what my WW has done. This isn't to punish my WW because by then it will be years, but it is the right thing to do. The kids must know that WW was the one that stepped out of the M and the reasons for that, and that the BS was the one trying to put it together. Again I'm not saying to use your kids, however I would tell them the truth of the matter.

My 2cents,
Native </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree - I want the kids to see that it was her affair that damaged us. I'm just a little stuck on how to proceed - although the atty I s/w today seemed very competent and willing to work with me. His specialty is Dads n' custody...

I didn't want this to end this way tho. I still have this crazy dream that she will suddenly wake up and miss me....but I'm really starting to doubt it - she's burning out my Love Bank so fast....

Have hope and faith in God, not in your WW as she is human and will fail. Have hope but protect yourself now!!

As far as the kids, I'd say just tell the truth. It is the right thing to do, and as an added bonus "it will set you free". Sorry about the cliche. Anyway tell the kids that their mother loves them, and that will never change. At least I hope she does. Also that you love their mother, and them with all that you have. Then IMVHO, just be candid and frank with them, at least the oldest two. The youngest you may have to sit down seperately, but I'm sure you know the kids are also going to talk to each other. So be honest and open with them.

I'm not telling you what to do with your kids, as only you know how to relate to them. I just don't see how it can hurt to tell the truth.

Native

I would definitely not leave that house(why should you leave when she made the poor choices)or your kids(and I would let her know that you plan to keep them)! I've told this to my H, when you decided to have an A, you not only made a choice against me, but against your children. I would never use my kids as punishment against him, but I also said that if he had stayed with the OW, or went to her if we got D, then I would use all of my might to keep them away from her.
I'm glad you wanted to fight for your marriage, but if your W doesn't want that, then use that energy to fight for your kids! They are SOOOOO important, I know you know that. So, fight like *ell!

Go read my threads. Especially my update a few weeks ago. Doing his does not mean he end of your marriage. I did it. My wife filed and we went to a custody hearing.

But, I didnt go in there and kick butt because I was counting on my wife coming back. I did it because it was the right thing to do. And I wanted my children to be protected from the OM, and my wife's selfish and destructive behavior. In the end, what I did woke her up. but it isnt why I did it...and it could have gone the other way (in that she might not have come back).

So, right now...it is time for Plan B...and protecting your family. So, put the marriage on hold right now. fight for your kids. What your wife doesnt know yet is that by you doing what is necessary and fighting for what is right, she will gain respect for you (although she wont admit it until much later).

Be respectful. Do not go off on her. Be resolute and and matter-of-fact. Be in control and more importantly, show her and your kids that you are in control. Whether it is true or not, much of this is showing you are serious.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong> Go read my threads. Especially my update a few weeks ago. Doing his does not mean he end of your marriage. I did it. My wife filed and we went to a custody hearing.

But, I didnt go in there and kick butt because I was counting on my wife coming back. I did it because it was the right thing to do. And I wanted my children to be protected from the OM, and my wife's selfish and destructive behavior. In the end, what I did woke her up. but it isnt why I did it...and it could have gone the other way (in that she might not have come back).

So, right now...it is time for Plan B...and protecting your family. So, put the marriage on hold right now. fight for your kids. What your wife doesnt know yet is that by you doing what is necessary and fighting for what is right, she will gain respect for you (although she wont admit it until much later).

Be respectful. Do not go off on her. Be resolute and and matter-of-fact. Be in control and more importantly, show her and your kids that you are in control. Whether it is true or not, much of this is showing you are serious.

In His arms. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where is that post? I don't intend to be anything but kind and friendly - she is not going to see an angry or bitter man. But I am very hurt, and she asked me not to tell the kids untill we could get 'counselling' from the divorce - er - marriage councelor. Appt on Tue - not sure I want to attend. I did tell the oldest - he hugged me and got that dark, hurt look in his eyes that I've seen before...he is not happy at all.

Also, do not agree to divorce counseling or agree to the divorce. Even with divorce proceedings, even after I got custody, I told my wife that evening in a quick message that my intention was still not the end of the marriage.

In His arms.

At the top, you can do a search by our member number (mine is 20493). Most of my threads start with "Mortarman Update..." My threads started in Jume 2002.

Here is the link to my latest update: My last update

In His arms.

Tane,

I am a little irritated at you. You KNEW this was coming. You knew you stood to lose your kids and you did NOT go retain an attorney nor did you protect some of the money.

From NOW ON don't back off, don't stop, and for goodness sake quit acting like a wimp. You are a man who is about to lose his W and his children and part of it is due to your failure to protect yourself and them.

So pay close attention to what MM is telling you. Figure out a way to retain that attorney and standfast in your home.

It's going to be a battle I hope you have the stomach for it,because you will need it. You can prevail.

God Bless,

JL

I'm going to post over here just to keep things simple.

So let me get this straight. OM is in his early 20's and involved with a 40 Yr. old woman with 3 children one whom may be able to grow more facial hair than him and possibly beat him in an arm wrestle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This will not last...isn't going to happen...no way. Trust me...he's not thinking long term. Exposure should be very effective in showcasing just how ludicrous this is.

Also, check into this. I assume they have completed an undergraduate degree and are now in law school. Lawyers (I will try to say this with a straight face) have ethics to follow. A law faculty expects their students to also follow a "code of ethics" if they want to be lawyers. For instance, a law student who gets an impaired charge may suffer punitive measures from the faculty of law and possibly get "deferred" from the program. I'm not sure what the adultery laws are in your state, but he may bring the "reputation of the faculty into disrepute". It's worth looking into if necessary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Tane,

I am a little irritated at you. You KNEW this was coming. You knew you stood to lose your kids and you did NOT go retain an attorney nor did you protect some of the money.

From NOW ON don't back off, don't stop, and for goodness sake quit acting like a wimp. You are a man who is about to lose his W and his children and part of it is due to your failure to protect yourself and them.

So pay close attention to what MM is telling you. Figure out a way to retain that attorney and standfast in your home.

It's going to be a battle I hope you have the stomach for it,because you will need it. You can prevail.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jl, before you get too irritated at me, let me explain our financial situation. Throughout the 6 years she's been in scool, I've covered all the basics - rent, 'cable' power, phones, food, etc. While her nmoney which came every 5 or 6 months went to cover the children's private school tuition, make any repairs on vehicles, etc: in other words, as was needed at teh end of a tough time on my one salary we would hav relief.

This time, however, she did not put the money into our bank account, she kept it somewhere else - I never saw any of it. Thus, the kid's school tuition went to retain a lawyer. I had no say over where that money went, even though we had a specific contract written with the kids school specifying that the tuition would be paid with her loan. My checks keep us afloat - my fault for tryting to provide a standard of living above what I saw necessarym bt that she wanted to 'keep her happy'. Had I had my way, we would have been paying probably 200 less per month on rent, we would have basic cable, etc. However, she has always had 'standards' that she needed met. I tried very hard to meet those standards.

I do not make enough money to save any away - we live from check to check. I used my IRA account to put a downpayment on my 4wd truck - I needed one after a bad snowstorm cost me a weeks salary because I couldn't climb the hills outside our home. I swore I would never get stuck again - and my current job actually counts on that - in case of emergency, any available employee needs to be able to get to the hospital at any notice.

Yes, I knew it was coming, and I had a plan - I get around 4000 dollars in tax returns in MY NAME each year, but that usually comes in the middle of Feb (electronic filing). That was to be my safety, going onto my new private credit union account.

I am not the wimp that I seem to come across as - I have simple tried to express fears that were immediate in my mind when I sat down and typed my posts. I work things out by talking - or typing, as the case may be, and this forum seemed to be a good one to spill any fear and then look at it rationally. If I apeared any other way I appologize. My wife is about to learn what I can do when I need to.

I have aready set up a storage place for my possessions and those of the kids, I intend to begin packing them this weekend - O am moving with the kids to a cheaper place that I can budget easily, she can ay the rent on this house al she wants. I am writing a Plan B letter: actually considering a straight D instead with the provision that we can work things out if she ever comes to her senses. This is necessary because in Oregon, I cannot file for 'emergency custody' unless the kids are in physical danger. They are not. The only way I can have a good chance at custody is to file a D before my wife, I am most likelyt doing do Monday morning, as I wrote in a previous post.

I am also preparing a plan B letter in case she makes some changes in her attitude over the next two days. I have let her run amok over me - It was self loathing at the fact that I had an affair and hurt her so. But I am past that, and have already worked out two separate plans for retaining an attourney (3 if you count legal aid, which I dread).

I can prevail, even if I lose my WW, because God always does what is right, and I trust Him more than me. What happens is the right thing, because I am doing the right thing.

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong> I'm going to post over here just to keep things simple.

So let me get this straight. OM is in his early 20's and involved with a 40 Yr. old woman with 3 children one whom may be able to grow more facial hair than him and possibly beat him in an arm wrestle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My 17 year old is 6'2" and 230 pounds - linebacker material (although a gentle giant. Yes, he could pound the 120 pound Ken Doll into paste. I know it won't last, I'm not worried about that. I am angry about the fact that my wife did this knowing full well how much it hurt her when I did it, and I expect her to understand exaclty what this has done - ruined many friendships that I had built up with her fellow students, made her look like a fool (she will, eventualy), and made her parents extremely angry.

This will not last...isn't going to happen...no way. Trust me...he's not thinking long term. Exposure should be very effective in showcasing just how ludicrous this is.[/qb][/quote]

Everyone I've told just laughs about it - it truly is funny. HOwever, this is not stopping my wife from making the bigggest mistake of her life, and I want her to recognize the full consequences of it.

Also, check into this. I assume they have completed an undergraduate degree and are now in law school. Lawyers (I will try to say this with a straight face) have ethics to follow. A law faculty expects their students to also follow a "code of ethics" if they want to be lawyers. For instance, a law student who gets an impaired charge may suffer punitive measures from the faculty of law and possibly get "deferred" from the program. I'm not sure what the adultery laws are in your state, but he may bring the "reputation of the faculty into disrepute". It's worth looking into if necessary. [/QB][/QUOTE]

There are ethics laws, but this state is extremely liberal - it is on the left coast. We have a gay Circuir court judge, most of my wife's friends are married lesbians, and sleeping around is a large part of the acticity at the school. I doubt that a husband could make much of a racket there, although it;s wirth a try. The dean of the law school just eft his wife for his secretary.......Just to put things into persepective.

Oh, did I forget to ention the fact that she sells my Valium to her friends at school and smokes dope just about every night???? That , my friends, is ammo for my custody - and I will use it if necessary.

tane

have you spoken to all your kids yet?

The two youngest will certainly need some reassurance and dont discount the oldest from that either.

You do need to be honest with them so that they know YOU will not lie to them even if it does mean you dont always come up smelling like roses...it'll be very important.

As far as custody battles go, I expect the best thing is for you to have actual evidence of your claims otherwise it comes down to she says he says.
Maybe with luck it wont come to that ...all the best to you and family.