Well here it is... my Plan B letter that I have pieced together. Granted it's not all original in that I stole some lines from a few other PBL that were posted on the board. I hope nobody takes offense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I've never been much of a writer. Well this isn't a Plan B letter in that it's a love letter with the idea that reconciliation is what I'm after. More of it's a kind of closure letter in that there may be a possibility of communicating if she SHOWS me her changes, if not I WILL move on with no regrets in how I tried. Please read and pick it apart as necessary but keep in mind that I'm not sure if I want my WW back.

Thank You very much, Native

Beloved WW

I'm writing to you today with sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope for my own future.

I regret that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely, painful and confusing. Until I searched myself I did not understand how my own actions contributed to an unhappy marriage for both of us. I did not realize how my stress, family, and drive affected others. I didn’t understand the burden I created for you when I placed the responsibility for our happiness solely on my own shoulders. I was lost and did not know how to change. I didn’t know what we needed to do to make a marriage that was a joy for both of us, one that was precious and in need of protection. Although I truley didn't know how you felt because we never fought except for the few times we argued about "normal family" problems and chores.

I have done much introspection over the last few months and believe there are tools available that are used to make marriages which are joyful, loving and supportive. I have made many changes in myself over the last few months. Some of these you have noticed, some you have not. I still need to continue with my changes. I have demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and that they are permanent. I still have a lot of work to do but with every success I have, hope for MY future brightens and my confidence in my ability to make positive changes is bolstered.

I have also come to the sorrowful realization that our current situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and an impediment to positive change. I feel that we are in a destructive state and it is too painful and stressful for me to continue in this way. I would like to keep the possibility of communication between us open, but cannot continue to be hurt. I find my love for you practically drained. In order to preserve a possiblity for communication and to prevent bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove you from my daily life. I cannot visit with you, speak with you on the phone, correspond via mail. If you must contact me regarding financials, the kids or legal matters, you may do this through your mother. Unless there is an emergency with the kids. This is not a punishment, only a safeguard, so that if there should come a time when you can SHOW me what you have learned, there is still something positive left within me with which to do that.

WW, should there come a time when you feel you could commit to showing me positive changes in yourself, I welcome the discussion of some kind of future. For me a commitment towards the possibility of open communication would entail an agreement to NOT see or talk to your other men, an agreement to counseling with the church, limited contact with friends that are a bad influence, NO clubs or alcohol, and absolute openess and honesty from you. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

Like I have said this letter is for my healing, please don't read between the lines WW. I feel like a better, stronger, more loving person and father after these past painful months. I'm not willing to loose the new man I have become. I'm not promising anything to you except the possibility of communication. I feel during the past 3 months that you have seen what I CAN do, and what I HAVE done for you. My mind, body and soul are tired, I cannot carry us any longer. This letter is the last step in the process of my healing and I can and will move forward after this.

Native

Sounds pretty good to me -- and a good deal more hopeful than you feel. Maybe shorten and tighten. Rather than "open" communication -- you might stress "any" communication. Does she really need to make all those changes for ANY communication? Well, maybe she does, to preempt any false call turnarounds. Since you have very little hope of (or even desire for) recovery at this point, you can really call the shots.

There are others who know more about this stuff than I do. Unfortunately, weekends tend to be slow on the boards so you might need to keep bumping.

Thanks A.M.

Yeah it's really a rough draft, hopefully others like you will also give me some feedback. I'll try cutting it down some. And I have changed the parts that elude to "open communication" to "any communication" after all this is supposed to be NC from her to me right.

Yes I do believe I NEED these changes in her that I have listed.

1. Because it would show me that she could make some hard changes. I've listed at least 2 that I don't think she could change to this purpose, also (In a weird way I hope she won't do them, I guess cuz I'm whimping out on the pain that recovery would bring)

2. I think there is only one or two "concessions" that have to do with me. The others I believe are required for her to be a good mother to the kids.

What do you think?
Native

Hey Native,

I am happy/sad to see this thread.

I honor you for trying to get what you want again.
I honor you for trying in a different way than you have so far.

Good luck to ya man!

NOTE: Now duck so ya don't get hit by EL again.

Thanks Bud,

Well the letter is probably too late to really do anything as far as a Plan B goes. However it's really for me in that this is the last step. It's something that I can get closure to.

Thanks for the kind, kind words Greer, I like Greer than H.O.E. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Native

Hey Native. I was hoping more experienced Plan B letter writers/editors would be along, because I am not that great at these letters.

There were a couple sentences that jumped out at me that I think should be removed altogether, or at least reworded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is not a punishment, only a safeguard, so that if there should come a time when you can SHOW me what you have learned, there is still something positive left within me with which to do that.

WW, should there come a time when you feel you could commit to showing me positive changes in yourself, I welcome the discussion of some kind of future. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand you are placing the responsibility of continuing your M on her, and that is good. However, it almost sounds like you are talking down to a child. I don't think she will like you saying that when she is ready to "show" you some stuff, she has a chance with you. Almost sounds a bit like a power-play.

I don't think this was your intention. Words can be taken so many different ways. Honestly, I think the letter is great without those sentences. From what I DO know of Plan B letters, the shorter the better. WS's aren't known for their attention spans.

The other parts I know are: State your love for her (you did), your love for yourself (you did), establishing NC with her (you did), telling her requirements for contact to be re-established (you did). And do it all with brevity (I think you are pretty close).

I really like how you put in there about your own healing, and that this was for you and the possible preservation of your M ~ not about her at all really. I don't think enough of us BS's think of ourselves enough during these stressful times.

To me, that means personal recovery for you, and that is what we are all here for. All you can control is you. Lead by example. I think you are doing great at those two things.

Spidey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not promising anything to you except the possibility of communication. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given your feelings, this is a very important sentence, and it got buried a bit. You might want to make it more prominent. In your case, you are not offering reconciliation, and it's important that she understand that. Communication is necessary for reconciliation, and might lead to it -- but then again, maybe not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Native: This is not a punishment, only a safeguard, so that if there should come a time when you can SHOW me what you have learned, there is still something positive left within me with which to do that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Spidey: I understand you are placing the responsibility of continuing your M on her, and that is good. However, it almost sounds like you are talking down to a child. I don't think she will like you saying that when she is ready to "show" you some stuff, she has a chance with you. Almost sounds a bit like a power-play.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Spidey,

In this sentence I merely wanted to convey the fact that I will need actions not just lipservice. How many times have we seen BS's take the WS back too soon after wooing the BS with words. I don't want that to happen. I knew when I was typing that sentence that it didn't sound quite right but I couldn't come up with anything better. I guess I'll just take them out altogether.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A.M.: Given your feelings, this is a very important sentence, and it got buried a bit. You might want to make it more prominent. In your case, you are not offering reconciliation, and it's important that she understand that. Communication is necessary for reconciliation, and might lead to it -- but then again, maybe not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree A.M, so got any ideas besides bolding the statement? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Make a separate paragraph for it maybe. Or put it first or last sentence of a paragraph, not buried in middle.

bump

Well, Native, I was hoping you'd hear from more people, but the boards seem to be very busy. Maybe retitle -- or go with your gut.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Thanks,

A.M. I think I will go with my gut. I don't really have much to gain by this letter anyway, it's just a part of my closure really. So I'll probaby make the few changes that you said and go with that.

Thanks, Native

Hey Native -- I can't offer any advice but it seems you and I are on a similar time line - my d-day was 9/27, i tried plan A briefly, really wanted to fix the marriage -- he had no interest (though for about 12 hours wanted to reconcile, ran back to OW). WH has just taken a job 5 states away and I've been pondering how to get some sort of closure for myself. Thought of writing a letter similar to yours, also thought of just doing it face to face (something i may not get from him though). Like you, I just want to do it for me - I realize the marriage is over and with him moving so far away I'll probably never see him again.

Did you give her the letter yet? I'm still trying to figure out what to do - wondering if you have any ideas on that? I figure i really have nothing to lose and just want to make sure i say all i need to say before he moves on 2/11 - we've had very limited contact over the last couple months so most of what i say will have little to no effect on him and i realize that but i feel like i need to say it. Does that make sense?

Hello Still,

Well I'm sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances.

Well I hate to say it but if he's moving 5 states away that would definately be hard as far as reconciling goes. However I wouldn't say it would be impossible. There is alway hope.

That being said if you are truly comfortable with your efforts of fixing your M and trying to reconcile. If you can look deep inside yourself and feel good about yourself, if you can walk away and go for the D without any regrets or "baggage" then I agree that the letter is the way to go.

I would go the letter route, it's safer for you and besides who really cares what your WH has to say. This letter is about and for you! To bring you closure.

To answer your question, no I haven't given my WW the letter. I plan on doing that this Friday.

Is the OW going to be moving with your WH? Why is he suddenly moving is it that he just found out about the new job?

As far as advice goes I guess I'd have to say just continue with your Plan A until he leaves, even take it up a notch, ONLY if you feel that you can do it. If not than don't, that's okay. It's not about him anymore. The reason that I say continue to Plan A is only for you Still. That way you can truly say you tried and it will only help your personal recovery. Then on the day he leaves when he says goodbye, or if he doesn't just drive over to him and hit him with the letter, and walk away. He may tear it up, throw it away who cares. The point is that you put your heart into the letter and it hopefully helps you feel better.

What do you think?

Native

Native,

I think your letter is quite good. The 1st paragraph where you heap sooo much of the responsibility on yourself c/b toned down a bit. Present it more as a shared failure to keep the M alive and kicking. In reality it is. Don't take on or absorb her guilty. She is already trying to give that to you. Don't volunteer for it.

Otherwise, I appreciate how you worded it and even anticipated her responses. You cut down her abilty to use more fog babble to throw you off course. You did that very well.

All the best to your plan B implementation. It is worth it to your self healing.

take care,
L.

Hi Native -- thanks for your response -- he's moving so quickly cause he was just offered this job -- he says OW isn't moving with him but they've been attached at the hip for the last 4 months so who knows... though she is a Canadian so that may make it more difficult for them - i'm not sure how that works.

I've been trying to remain civil to him - sort of Plan A I guess - I had big time LB conversation with him yesterday because he was still giving me a hard time about face to face goodbye. Deep down I know I tried all I could to save us - he never showed any interest - I endured a lot of rejection and waiting around for him to "come to his senses" to no avail. I was always kind to him and respectful. Now I think I just need to let him go. I can't handle contact with him anymore. It just upsets me.

Its so hard to see how he seems to be having no problem with all this. I realize the chances of R our slim to none especially with the move. So that is why no contact with him is the way to go. I may do a face to face goodbye and a modified plan b letter -- i'll have to start drafting something and see how it looks.

Thanks so much for your input. It helped!!

Hi Still,

Well it sounds like you've made a plan on what to do. As long as you feel good about yourself that's all that matters.

I'm still a little leary about the face-face goodbye but that's your call and you know whats best in your sitch.

Good luck and write up your letter, hopefully you'll get some advice on your letter.

Native

Thanks Native -- I feel like for my own sanity I just need to say what I need to say, to his face, and then let it go and move forward (that's the plan anyway)

I've been having a rough couple of days with his pending move and knowing i'll need to be dealing with him -- and the face to face hasn't been agreed to yet by him -- i think he is petrified to see me. Which is another reason why I want to just go for it.

Haven't drafted a letter yet - will see how it looks and possibly just hand it to him as i'm leaving.

Hey Orchid,

Thanks for the feedback. I was actually thinking about your fog babble as I was piecing this togehter. I wanted to make sure that what I said couldn't be misconstrued or able to be turned against me. I reread your reverse babble before putting it together.

I don't know if it's Plan B, as STBXW has filed for D, but it's closure for me.

Thanks,
Native