{Moved Post from Recovery}

I’ve been a reader but not a writer for months. In addition to the insights I have gained from HNHN and FILSIL, I have found the sharing in the forum to be of great help. I will skip the history, as it is so much like others who have gone through this pain. It is a recent event that brings me to post.

After D-Day WS agreed to NC except as might occur in passing at work. Cell phone calls stopped. We agreed to invest in our M. We talked about my not meeting her ENs. I started a Plan A.

A couple of months after D-Day WS changed jobs, which helped me believe things were over between them. Naively, I thought we were in recovery. Oops! While the PA stopped the EA continued using work phones.

Now here is the weird part. Monday I get a call from OM telling me my W needs counseling, she is psycho, she should stop calling him, she should not call his live in girl friend of seven years, and he’s sorry for the pain he caused me. Here’s the kicker “if she should ever divorce me he’s told her he wants her”. I remained calm throughout the call and waited until that evening to talk to W about it.

That evening she was noticeably disturbed about something, so I asked her to talk to me about whatever was bothering her. She unloads that she and OM had been calling each other at work and that afternoon he had told her that he had met someone new. W also told me she had then called his live in girl friend, who also thought the A was over and did not know about the new relationship.

This is a good news bad news situation. The good news is the A is ending as MB articles predict, the bad news is my W tells me how much it hurts her, how could he dump her, what a liar he is, etc. Wow, did she forget who she was talking to or what? It’s hard not to jump with joy and say I told you so, which I never did.

She did say she was amazed how calmly I handled the phone call and her confession. I told her she is so important to me that I want to know exactly what she is feeling no matter how much it may hurt me. I do have to tell her to give me a moment now and then to “take off my being her husband hat and put on my being her best friend hat”. Just a little way of emotionally dealing with the onslaught.

So as I see it recovery starts now and that it would be good to continue to let her tell me how much she misses OM etc. I have to say, I never read anywhere about how to handle this type of conversation.

She has told me she wants to try to rebuild marriage. We started couple relationship classes at our church this past Wed.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent!

--------------------
Me BS
Her WS
Married 22 yrs
4 Mth EA including 2 mth PA
D-Day Aug 4, 2004

Hi SM - Did your W POJA on NC???? It is so important to start recovery in a safe environment. She can't work on your M if she "misses" the OM. What happens if the OM ends his "new realtionship" will he call your W and resume the EA/PA?

(Do you think he called you to get back your W for calling his GF and maybe not being able to continue with his new A? Has your W thought about that?)

Radical Honesty - POJA - NC -

Good Luck

Brown

Brown,

I thought we had POJA of NC the 1st time. But her addition was much stronger than I had anticipated. Seems that POJA was just to get me to feel good while she fed her cravings.

Now she is really irate with the OM for leading her on, then moving on. Turns out he has a history of love 'em and leave 'em. This helps with the problem me with the OP normally not have the opportunity to LB. So now the playing field is a little more level, since his has this big LB on his score sheet.

So now, if I understand the process, comes the withdrawal period. Candidly, I should suspected something was up when the first withdrawal period was very short and easy. I was too euphoric the first time. I’ll be more cautious this time.

I am reading again the HDHN and other MB articles. I must be a slow learner for sure.

Regarding your questions about OM call. You hit it on the head. She didn't move on like he thought she should and now threatens his new quarry. She hears the words but her heart doesn't yet grasp the meaning.

What you are experiencing is, and has been, scripted for you and many others.

Now, you need to present yourself to the brunt of consoling her, as this experience has left her hurt and empty, and the sooner you can make her feel safe to "break down", the sooner she'll begin withdrawal. It's a strange, peculiar experience, holding your W and allowing her to cry over the loss of her "soulmate", and very painful, as well, but it will make deposits in her LB$ that will never be forgotton.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It is one of the best books covering the dynamics of an affair, and will explain how your marriage became vulnerable. As you ease into recovery, you and your W may want to read it together, as it will help both of you better understand what has happened and how to get through it.

During the next couple of weeks you should POJA the writing of a No Contact letter to the OM which is an important step in "formally ending" the A, and beginning the recovery process. SAA has samples which will help with the letter writing process.

Your FWW is in utter dispair right now, and needs your love, care and strength more than she ever has.

Keep posting, READ SAA, and be the rock for your W.

Best wishes,
SD

Did you guys do the EN questionaire? You still need to get to the why's of why this happened and start on building an 'A' Proof M. You both have to understand what work needs to get done and set that as your goal.

She has to do NC letter and stick to it. You can Plan A yourself silly, but if there is still contact - it'll put your recovery in jeopardy.

You can listen to her and be her "best friend" (that's a great start and so very important) - but also have your eyes open and ensure you are protecting yourself, your W and your marriage.

I hope she will see through this cad's track record and "open" her eyes too.

I'll be looking for you on the boards -

Good night for now

SD, said a mouthful.

My H held me while I cried "I miss him, I miss him."

And you never forget that kind of love, never, never, never. It makes the "live in the moment" of an A pathetic and tawdry - which is what it is.

BTW this is coming from a fully recovered, in love with her H, FWW.

Jen

Sorry to interject here Kiwi J <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Kiwi J:
BTW this is coming from a fully recovered, in love with her H, FWW .

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey , shouldn't that be RWW?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Now to you Still Me:

As SD related to you, this opportunity is both Of huge cost (to you personally) and of huge Benefit (to your M) as to you getting where you want to eventually be ....(that being your W "over" this Other relationship and the 2 of you moving forward together into a posotive recovery).

Indeed, It takes a Strong (as well as compassionate) man to be able to first Listen and then continue to be there (emotionally) for his W.....as She cries and pines away for Another Man.

Believe me, it's neither comfortable or Easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Truly, many a "macho" man can't handle anything "real" like this.

With that said, it DOES Pay Dividends in the End.

Unfortunately, Not everyone can do it. Sad but true.

However, Wishing you success in being one that CAN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I deeply appreciate the advice, counsel, and support from the three of you. Hearing from others who have been there helps alot. Reading about what to do helps, but not in the same way as actual survivor advice.

Here's an update:

Last night we received another voice message from OM tells me to get control of wife. Again telling me she should not contact his GF about their A or any suspected new relationships.

This morning my wife is in a state of depression. She is really just going through the motions of daily activity. She's out with our 27-year old daughter getting a pedicure and manicure.

Our daughter thinks the affair ended after D-Day #1. I have not told her about the recent D-Day #2. Our daughter is 8 months pregnant with our 1st grandchild (a girl), so I am very cautious not to place any unnecessary emotional stress that might effect her unborn child.

Anyway, I could use some advice. Is there such a thing as lavishing too much attention on my wife at this juncture? Can too much codling backfire?

StillMe

Is your WS really contacting the OM and his GFs? Or is this a ploy to put it in your face? I see d/d 2 was this month..... I wonder.

Let the OM know if he is really telling the truth to go file RO charges against the WS. This may help you see which one is telling the truth. C/b what is needed 'if' the WS is stalking or harrassing the OM and OM's GFs.

As for your daughter, I truly understand but you will need to tell her soon. Maybe after the baby is born and she gets adjusted to being mom.

JMHO,
L.