My H has a long habit of asking me to go to things at the last minute -- especially if it is anything related to his job. When I worked in the same building a few years ago, he would rarely invite me to go to lunch with him -- he was always "too busy" -- and if he did invite me, it was always at the last minute. I, of course, wanted to be the supportive and available partner who always put him first, so I was happy enough to go with him whenever he did "have time."

I know now, of course, that the reason these invites were always last-minute were because he had an almost daily routine of going out for lunch, break, and whatever else with his special female friend of the moment and *only* asked me if they were out for the day or otherwise not available. He figured he could always take the third-string -- me -- and that way he didn't have to miss a fun time without me and with the office trash.

So: I have talked to him at length about how it is very important to me to know about an event on the same day that he knows about it - I really don't think that's too much to ask -- and that if he wants to invite me to something I want to know about when he does and NOT at the last minute. It's a real trigger for me when he does this as well as being, IMHO, downright disrespectful and rude. I have no time to get ready or arrange my work schedules (I have two jobs) and then, well, gee, there's a built-in excuse for why I can't go . . .

So: A few weeks ago, H won two of The Company's top awards for the year. This would normally be celebrated with a splashy off-site party at a facny resort or restaurant with NO spouses in sight. H actually offered to hold a dinner at a nice restaurant with me invited. I said I would accept if the other employees could bring their spouses as well (I know they are all married.) He said okay.

Problem is: Last Monday night, he tossed out that he was thinking about doing this next Monday night (1/31) but he had not mentioned it to his employees yet and no plans had been made.

It is now Saturday morning. If this thing is going to be held next Monday, all plans must have been made by now -- but he has not said one word about it to me.

Am I making too much of this? Should I say anything, or just wait for yet another last-minute invitation? What do you all think?
Mulan

Mulan, IMHO if it is disrespectful for a boyfriend or someone you are dating to invite you out at the last minute so it should be for a S. An occassional last minute invite should be expected, but to me it is disrespectful if that is the norm.

Turns out that no plans have been made at all. They've all been just "too busy" to arrange anything to celebrate his two major awards, even though in the past they would drop everything at any excuse for a party -- and believe me, this win is a Big Deal for all of them.

Looks to me like if you have to celebrate with spouses, it's better not to celebrate at all. I should have known this would never happen. Oh well. Hey, I tried.
Mulan

By the way -- has anyone else ever been angrily told, while trying your best to explain how you feel about something, that your feelings are "bullsh*t" and your feelings are "wrong?"

By the way -- has anyone else ever been angrily told, while trying your best to explain how you feel about something, that your feelings are "bullsh*t" and your feelings are "wrong?" Yes, quite often in the past, not so much since we have been in MC this time. Sorry for whatever is going on for you Mulan. You always have such wonderful posts. {{Mulan}}

(((((((((((((Mulan)))))))))))

Maybe, Mulan, you could volunteer to work on the celebration arrangements. Or if your H has a secretary, talk to him or her about the plans. How about a luncheon? Spouses invited, but not mandatory?

As for other last-minute plans, I suggest a polite, "I'm sorry but I've plans." Don't define your plans.

My H. has a nasty habit of putting everything in the subjunctive mood. For example: "I may need you to take the kids on Monday." or "I may do x,y,z."

I hear "I may or may not..." and I, in the past, wrongly assumed H would tell me.

Meanwhile, he was in a win/win situation. If he does do x,y,z, he says he told me. If he doesn't, he says he never said it was definite.

So, now, I say, "Let me know by Friday what you're doing. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume this." That seems to work better.

It seems both your H and mine have developed a way of keeping all their options open so they can cherry pick, and we're left in the lurch.

***Maybe, Mulan, you could volunteer to work on the celebration arrangements.***

Oh, greengables, I know you meant well but I just about busted out laughing at this. Where he works, this would be even more horrifying than tolerating spouses at the event itself. It's THEIR celebration. It wouldn't COUNT if *I* put it together. It wouldn't mean ANYTHING. It would just be a private party that a few co-wokers were invited to -- not a work party where spouses were also invited. Do you see the difference? I know it sounds ridiculous, and it is, but that's what I'm up against here.

***Or if your H has a secretary, talk to him or her about the plans.***

No secretary that I know of. They are all project managers with voice mail.

***How about a luncheon? Spouses invited, but not mandatory?***

No, something like this is *always* celebrated with a *dinner* at a very fancy and very expensive place. Taking themselves to something like that after dark, while inviting the spouses to the coffee shop up the street at noon, is just keeping us in our second-class citizen seats in the back of the bus. I do not accept that any more.

***As for other last-minute plans, I suggest a polite, "I'm sorry but I've plans." Don't define your plans.***

Yes. I agree.

***My H. has a nasty habit of putting everything in the subjunctive mood. For example: "I may need you to take the kids on Monday." or "I may do x,y,z."

***I hear "I may or may not..." and I, in the past, wrongly assumed H would tell me.

***Meanwhile, he was in a win/win situation. If he does do x,y,z, he says he told me. If he doesn't, he says he never said it was definite.

Gotta love The Word Game. What a sneaky little trick.

***So, now, I say, "Let me know by Friday what you're doing. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume this." That seems to work better.

I think I'm going to have to start doing this.

***It seems both your H and mine have developed a way of keeping all their options open so they can cherry pick, and we're left in the lurch.

Well, of course! That works great for them! Obviously, if it's not so great for us then WE are the ones with the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you for responding to me.
Mulan

I did sort of figure your H didn't work in the kind of environment where you could help plan the party.

I wish you luck.