Need advice!!! My wife has had 3 affairs in our 19 year marriage.

In 1995, she fell in love with her brother’s friend when we were helping her brother move. (She fell for him in one day while I was there!) She immediately told me the marriage was over and that she never loved me. She blamed me for EVERYTHING! He was a nice enough guy but lived a simple life (lived in a camper in the woods!) and had little money. My wife would drive by his house (I caught her) and call him constantly. She confessed to me one night that she had always loved this man. (She hardly knew him and he told me he barely knew her). Luckily, he was a gentleman and started calling me to try to figure out how to get her to quit contacting him. I asked him just to sever the ties which he did and she came back to me immediately. We also went to counseling but she quit.

In 2000, she went away for a weekend with a lady from work. Turns out a man from work went also but I did not know at the time. She came home and said she wanted out of the marriage and blamed me for everything again. I asked her what happened on the weekend away and she went ballistic. I asked her to go to counseling and she would not so I went again. She started going out at night and acting strange so I put my foot down and said she had to make a choice (work on the marriage or end it). She changed her ways and everything was fine (so I thought).

She took a new job in May and immediately came home talking about a coworker. She knew everything about him. She then started acting withdrawn, lots about 35 lbs, bought new revealing clothes, new underwear, got facial treatments, and started wearing lots of makeup. She also took mouthwash; toothpaste and even feminine hygiene wash to work. (Tell me, was she having an affair???) She then went to a conference for work that the kids and I were supposed to go to but she refused to let us go. Her friend from work went. When she came back, she said our marriage was worse. I filed for divorce that week (October 2004). Later I found emails to this guy that were suggestive. He is a playboy and dates lots of women so it will not last.

She has moved out and at 38 years of age is acting like a teenager. She now goes out all the time and has new friends from work which are much younger than her. She hates all of my family and all of her old friends because they have told her she is making a mistake. All of her friends tell me I am the best husband and father they know.

Our marriage was (or so I thought) always great. We spent lots of time together, beautiful home, great kids and family. But my wife is never happy with anything. She has gone through 7 jobs in the last 10 years and is always buying things.

Recently, she has called me a couple of times. She had me come over and was affectionate and then had me over one night and was cold.

Can anyone tell me if she will ever smarten up and want to reconcile (again)? What is she going through? Is she still in the fog? Will she come out of it? If she was missing something in the relationship, why not tell me? I have always done everything she has asked and so much more.

I am heartbroken beyond belief.

She seems to get infatuated with people hard and fast....something's wrong with that picture.

Are there any more A's that maybe you don't know about??? It almost sounds like she's serial cheating to me, either that, or perhaps the issue that's causing her to do this isn't being resolved when you reconcile. Have you had her fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire?

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair?? That would be a good place to start, also possibly check into "Love Must Be Tough", By Dobson....as you may have to take a hardline approach with her....this can't keep going on, it's gotta stop.

Okay well that's my .02, take it for what it's worth.

-Caren

You can start in Plan A - read all about it on the link in my sig line. She will probably come back to you. In the meantime, the only one you can change is yourself.

Do you have any children?

2 children - 14 and 8. Perfect kids, we love them so much.

I have been reading on Plan A. Thanks...

The affair seems to fizzling out as she is looking for another job.

Even if she does coem back, will you EVER be able to fully trust her again? I know it hurts, but do you want to live the rest of your life in doubt or 'wondering' if she is doing it again?

Unless she put forth the effort of going to counseling (until it was complete) I wouldn't even consider taking her back. You'll just be hurt again.

She hurt you - and she has to be the one to try and make things right - not you.

Keep in mind that I am new here and I haven't read any of the books that others have mentioned. I'm just giving you my opinion. Don't blame yourself for this. It's probably stemming from problems she has - and it won't be resolved until she resolves them.

BHINWI,

Welcome, you have a LOT of reading to do. Especially on boundary issues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can anyone tell me if she will ever smarten up and want to reconcile (again)? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not, you took her back twice before. Why would she NOT come back to the safety of a husband who obviously loves her but has some very deep personal issues of his own to deal with.

When you take her back again, perhaps some unwavering groundrules can be agreed upon by BOTH of you. It will be hard to enforce(she knows she can get away with almost any action with apparently little personal responsibility), but it is worth a try.

My heart goes out to you. You have a deeply flawed wife and immaturity seems to be her strong suit. Protect yourself and your children.

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

She is going to a counselor on her own but absolutely refuses to let me go so I have no idea what is going on there. I do know that I should not want her back but in between these episodes we always had such a nice marraige (or so I thought).

Everyone tells me, including her friends, that she needs to deal with whatever she is going through. I also need to figure out why I don't have "bounderies" for her. I do for me and my kids so why do I let her walk all over me?

I am also seeing a wonderful counselor. I know my wife feels she is missing something either from me, our marraige, herself or a combination. One of her friends, that she still talks to, told me recently that my wife wants to live in a perfect world. (Well that doesn't exist!)

Another thing I found out on her recent affair is that she was basically stalking the guy. After installing some spy software, I found that she was checking HIS email. She hacked into his personal email and would read the messages from all his lady friends. I would find her crying in front of the computer and now I know why. She was jealous of his many girlfriends.

Yes, I don't want a divorce yet and I regret filing. What I want is to solve this problems WITH her!!! But until she is willing to work together, it just will not happen.

It is just a mess... But, I am taking care of myself and kids.

Let me get this right - you are taking care of the kids in your home? Your wife is living where? Does she spend time with your children?

We have 50/50 custody right now. I am in the house and she moved out (a block away). It is tough cause I can see where she lives from my front door.

My 14 year old daughter suspects that my wife is having an affair because I seen her emails to an on-line counselor for teenagers. (I never have told the kids anything about the affair.) I have taken both kids to my counselor and my daughter is having a tough time.

Tonight my wife is out again. Last weekend was her weekend and she left the kids with her mom all night.

Today my sister-in-law called me and said that my wife is going to come over to talk to her tomorrow. My sister-in-law stated that she thinks the affair (or infatuation) is fizzling out.

I want my wife back so bad... But I don't want to go through this pain again. I lost both parents in 1997 and is bad as that was, it is nothing compared to this.

Is it common for a cheating spouse to deny everything in the face of overwhelming evidence? The excuses that she has come up with are beyond belief!

BHINWI,

Whow, you wife sounds just like my first wife. I could never please her, even though I tried.

During our first seperation, she said she wanted to think if she wanted to be married or not. She asked me to return when she became pregnant with OM's child. Since we already had two children of our own, I didn't want any other guy to be any kind of father to them, so I returned.

I still could never please her and conditions were terrible for years.

When the three children were 18, 16, & 11, she decided she wanted to be free to find herself, and left us. I devorced her. My head told me this was the best thing after all the bad years, but my emotions were a mess for a long time.

A few years leter, she wanted to return. I told her no.

She has since been through 4 or 5 marriages and is now living alone.

I was s aingle parent for 5 years and have been married to my wonderful present wife for almost 20 years.

Why am I writing you all this? Just to let you know you are not the only one who has been through this mess. Sometimes you just have to let them go.

What is interesting now is that she is still trying to break up my present marriage. In mid Dec 04, I called her up to try to find out why I couldn't please her when we were married. She is still blaming me for everything bad during our marriage. If so, why is she trying to break up my present marriage? Our older daughter thinks her mother has mental problems. It sounds like your wife has some also.

Hi, BHINWI.

You asked:
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Can anyone tell me if she will ever smarten up and want to reconcile (again)? What is she going through? Is she still in the fog? Will she come out of it? If she was missing something in the relationship, why not tell me? I have always done everything she has asked and so much more.
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and in another post you stated:
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I want my wife back so bad... But I don't want to go through this pain again.
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I can answer your question with a fair certainty. Yes, she is likely to come back - as long as you make no requirements of her. She is also just as likely to cause you the same pain again.

Here are your options as I see them.

1) You can accept her back and continue to suffer with whatever she does to you and the marriage, now and in the future.

2) You can divorce her.

3) You can grab whatever is left of your boot laces, hitch them up good and tight, read all about the Marriage Builder principles on this site, and prepare to fight for your marriage.

So, what will you do?

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

Wow! Strong words and thank you... I guess it is decision time for me.

Again, thank you for the advice.

Ronald,

Thank you for sharing. I don't know about my wife or really what the problem is. I have tried, believe me I have tried. I told her I wanted to find the source of the affairs and not concentrate on the affairs. But she insists she is not having an emotional or physical affair. The evidence is overwhelming and I have proof but she just will not admit it.

My heart goes out to you. Nobody understands this pain unless they have been through it.

BH, I don't mean this disrespectfully, but it seems as though your wife might have some mental issues that really need to be dealt with before you can ever hope to have a successful marriage. There is something wrong there. She seems to have a stalker-type personality frequently risks everything good in her life for men who really have no substance in her life (I don't mean that the men have no substance, but she seems to barely know these people?).

I'm with others who have advised you to read through the site, but I think there may be more here than MB can help you with. Maybe MB can help you improve yourself and help you to learn to set boundaries (MB almost always works, one way or the other), but I'm not sure it can address your wife's behavoirs. Glad to see that she is in IC but who knows what's going on there? Possible that she has spun a whole fantasy world and is getting no help at all. Would be it possible to make an appointment with her IC--not to find out what your wife is talking about, but for you to express your concerns to the IC?

This is a tough case and I'm not sure if it would be a matter of forgiving your wife and meeting all her EN's, but rather hoping she gets the help that she really needs.

My best thoughts and wishes!

Aislinn,

I truly wonder what she tells her counselor. I called her counselor once but because of conflict of interest, she could not really talk to me about my wife. But, maybe I should make an appointment just for me with her counselor?

I (and our friends) do think she is living in a fantasy world (and I don't mean that disrespectfully). For instance, when I confronted her with her sending the other man emails and checking his email she broke down and said that she was extremely attracted to him and ashamed. I held her while she sobbed when she told me and told her now that things were in the "open" we could work on it. She declined and went out that night (again). Then 2 days later she told me the other man was just a co-worker and nothing more. I thought, "Which is it!!!" One night she is in love with him and 2 days later he is just a coworker???

One thing I can be thankful for is I have great family, friends and coworkers. My support system has been unbelievable as this entire thing has almost killed me.

I ordered His Needs / Her Needs last night.