Hi! I am new to this board and was hoping for some advice. I noticed that most of the questions are about affairs, but mine is not.

I was married in 2001 to a lovely man who is 7 years my junior. We had a great relationship, but I was VERY controlling. In July 2003 we separated due to my actions. I sought counsleing and began getting treatment for my severe depression which stemmed from things prior to my meeting my husband. In November 2003 he told me that he did not want a divorce. I did not move back in with him until Februaru 2004.

I stayed on anti-depressants for over nearly 18 months. The medication and counseling made me a whole new person. I went back to school to go into the field of Nursing and am now a Sophmore in college. I still have improvements to make, but I am so proud of how far I have come.

I love my husband dearly. He has never given me a reason to think he was cheating on me (although I wondered while we were separated - but thats in the past). I am a plus size woman and every day he makes me feel beautiful. He is very loving and we have a great sex life. The problem is - he won't work.

Over the past 2-3 years he has been lucky to hold a job 4 months out of a year. IF he even looks for work and finds a job, he never gets to work on time and they fire him. He sits up all hours of the night playing a Playstation.

We live in my mother-in-laws second home. We have NO rent and I do not have a car payment - it's paid for. Neither of us have cell phones or cable. We could easily make it on one income so that I could finish school - but we don't even have that. For the past year, my mother-in-law has been paying our bills (his truck, electric, water, gas). I recieve $250 a month child support which I use to pay our phone bill and have extra cash should the kids need something. We have been on Foodstamps for a year now and our kids are on state insurance (Medi-caid). This is VERY embarrasing for me.

Also, he likes to smoke pot. In the beginning I did not allow that. Once we split up he started doing it again and I agreed that he could spend $20 a week on it if he kept it away from t hs house - I didn't want to see it.

$20 a week has now went to $120-$180 a week at times. If he worked, he bought pot instead of paying the bills. Our electricity was turned off twice last November. It was COLD and we had no heat.

He hasn't worked since last October and I have borrowed student loans to keep us afloat. I am now getting in under my head because I have borrowed $12,000.00 in student loans over the last year and a half so that we could survive. I can't do it anymore.

Without any money, the pot has been very limited. He went out last week looking for a job but was back in 3 hours and sat home the rest of the week.

He has refused counseling in the past. His father died when he was 16 so I know he has issues too, but he still should know how to support a family.

I'm at my wits end. I want better things out of life. Our house is a pure dump - he will not help with housework unless I get mad about it, then he gets mad too. Our yard has mounds of trash in it - literally. He refuses to do anything except play video games/sleep till noon/smoke.

What do I do? I don't feel I should have to get a job, go to school, AND cook/clean. I am very bitter about that because I want him to do something too.

We have talked about this for 2 years and he always says he is going to change. I've had enough and I want to leave. I love him, but I don't think I love him enough to give up the rest of my life living in a dump and having others pay our bills.

Are there any options out there I could try before resorting to a divorce? Thanks!

As I read it, your H is addicted to two things:

playstation (a very REAL addiction)
and pot

The chemical in pot causes a circuit to loop over and over again which changes the brain chemistry. It takes days for it to clear out once the pot stops being used.

Playstation has a similar effect on brain chemistry.

So I think you are not dealing with your H but his addictions. Your MIL is enabling your H to remain in a childlike stupor.

Do you leave? You say you want a better life but it will not be easy or a guarantee with your H.

You can not drag him to take the steps to overcome his addictions. He is obviously getting too much enjoyment from them to quit right now.

I don't know what you will do. Ask yourself what you would want any other woman in your situation to do. Then you decide what you will do given that judgement for other people.

~~The chemical in pot causes a circuit to loop over and over again which changes the brain chemistry. It takes days for it to clear out once the pot stops being used.~~

That makes alot of sense. When he smokes his last bit, he is the angriest grouch he can be for a couple of days, then he is fine. I've pointed out his 'withdrawel' but he denies it.

As stupid as this sounds, I really don't mind if he smokes it as long as the bills are paid and it is kept away from the house. If thats what he wants to use his 'enjoyment' money on - fine. I may prefer to buy acryllic nails or get my hair done. The problem is that I haven't been able to do those things in over a year. He gets his almost weekly.

I just feel like he has no respect for me or he'd change. I'm not asking him to quit - just be responsible about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CaptialC:
<strong> I just feel like he has no respect for me or he'd change. I'm not asking him to quit - just be responsible about it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't have any respect for you, or his mother. He does what he wants.

And there is no way to be responsible about smoking pot. By very definition, smoking pot to get high is irresponsible no matter where one does it.

His mother enables him so he has never grown up. And you are doing the same now.

Tell him to get a job within one month and quit smoking pot or you're out of there. If it comes to that, do it. You'll have to go on welfare but, honey, you're on welfare right now anyway (from his mother).

Then go for your goals and realize your dreams. Show your children the kind of clean, healthy, stable life you want for them.

~ Snow

CapC,

First professional counselors such as the Harley's will NOT do marriage counseling as long as there is a substance addiction present, and there is in your situation.

Second, you have failed your children terribly by having them live in these conditions and around a man such as your H. I forgot to look but the most influential parent is often the same sex parent, so if either of your kids are boys, they are seeing a model for their lives in your H.

Finally, you cannot MAKE him do anything so it comes down to decisions doesn't it?

It seems to me you need to consider moving out because frankly this environment is not good for your children, you and actually your H.

Sorry I could not help you.

God Bless,

JL

Most if not all companies now do drug testing. So he can't get a job as long as he's smoking.

He's very immature, and your self esteem is very low.

Why do you think this life is okay ? Is there really THAT much love in the world ?

He makes you feel beautiful..of course he does..you're his meal ticket. He gets to live the life of the adult..hence..not LIVING with his mother, but gets to behave like a child.

I'd really draw a line in the sand here, and look at the example being set for your kids.

You're asking for a lifetime of less than you and your children deserve this way.

Where is he getting $120 a week for pot if he doesn't work ? Is this what your child support is paying for ?

I'm scared for you...that you really are trying to find reasons to stay in this marriage the way it exists now.

Sad...I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Well, after weeks of 'boiling' about this I had the 'talk' tonight. Of course it led to an argument. It's always the same routine. He gets extremely mad, points out all my faults (yes, I have them) and then calls me a B**ch, tells me if I don't like it to get out and that maybe the best thing he could do is to get rid of me, etc, etc.
Then he cools down and actually 'talks' like a normal adult when he see's I'm ready to leave.

The talk always ends in an agreeable solution, which will last a few weeks and then it's back to usual.

He says he'll be out all day Monday looking for a job. I do believe him. It's times like this that he actually does get a job, it's just a matter of him keeping it.

I don't know whether to give it another chance or let him try once more. I'm not even in a position to move out because i have no money. Eleven days ago I got $3000 in student loans and I have $20 left tonight and half of that will go to buy diapers. I made sure that not one penny went to pot, but it took it all to catch up on our bills, plus I had to pay $1100 in repairs on my car - it had been in the shop since Thanksgiving.

I know I probably shouldn't spell out all of my woe's here, but I've always felt that if you aren't honest about everything, people can't give you honest advice.

Has anyone else gone through something similar and eventually succeeded? I want this to work so bad, and I really do think he loves me. Like I said, even as bad as it gets, he never gives me a reason to think he has been unfaithful - and thats what is most important to me.

A faithful man is all I ever wanted and now that I have him, I'm finding other problems. Maybe I'm expecting too much. None of us are perfect. I even called him a few names tonight - like a 'lousy person' for not having a job.

You know, part of me says to get myself in a position and leave and the other part says to stay. My counselor once told me (and this is the best advice I've ever gotten) that we think in 2 different ways - either with our brain or our heart. It's distinguishing which one to go with that makes for the hardest decisions in life.

My brain says 'get rid of this man who is pulling me down so that I can get through school and provide a nice home and clothing for my kids'

My heart says 'We all have faults - be thankful you have a man who is faithful and makes you feel beautiful everyday no matter how mean you are to him'.


Heart? Brain? Heart? Brain? I've been in this tug of war for too long now.

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: CaptialC ]</small>

~~Where is he getting $120 a week for pot if he doesn't work ? Is this what your child support is paying for ?~~

No, that was when he was working from May-October last year.

Now he just gets his cousin to give it to him or he'll pawn something or get $20 from his grandmother. There have been times where he'll go a few weeks without it because he doesn't have any money.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CaptialC:
<strong> ~~Where is he getting $120 a week for pot if he doesn't work ? Is this what your child support is paying for ?~~

No, that was when he was working from May-October last year.

Now he just gets his cousin to give it to him or he'll pawn something or get $20 from his grandmother. There have been times where he'll go a few weeks without it because he doesn't have any money. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My Dear, your issues now go so much farther than "marriage building". I hate to be so damn negative here but I think you are probably in a sure fire dead end situation with your Husband. YOu are NOT doing anything for your children by letting them see this life you accept and tolerate. Yes, I know that it is hard and self esteem and financial issues are tough, but you have to rise above all of this now if you ever hope to change your course in life. You cannot even use the "fog" of an affair as an excuse for your husbands behvaior and moral and ethical character issues. I think you need to take off the blinders and really read what you posted and see what you would say if it was someone else posting. The longer you allow your children to get used to their current life, the more you are ensuring that they continue the family legacy. Is this what you want?

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

You need to do a Plan B. You can read about that here at MB. The problems, CapitalC, are that you have little self esteem left at this point, and that you love the guy. If you didn't, it would be easy to do the thing you know you need to do. You've received good advice here, but it won't be easy to follow it, because you will cave to his plays on that love.

If you don't follow the advice here and move out, you'll be 20 years down the road one day in worse shape than now. At that point, you may have no self esteem at all. For yourself and the children you are molding, you have to find strength now.

My heart aches for you. I've been there and have the t-shirt.

Best wishes,
PM

CapitalC: If you had a daughter, would you want her to marry a man like your husband? What would you say to her about it?

If you had a son, would you want him to act like your husband? What would you say to him about it?

You are getting your life together and getting in shape with your schooling. Your husband is sitting on his butt smoking pot and playing Playstation. Now, I happen to enjoy a Playstation game now and again, and unlike Bill Clinton, I -did- inhale when I was in grad school. (Though I haven't touched it in more than 15 years and have no desire to.)

So I can understand why you'd say that you don't mind ... except for the harm he's causing you.

THAT is the difference between an addict and someone who just enjoys [whatever it is] on occasion. The addiction is present when the person is unable to function in the rest of his or her life.

Your husband will, in all likelihood, never be able to smoke pot casually again. I have no idea what the statistics are for video games, but I'm guessing the same thing is true there. If you want to have any hope of him getting his life straightened out, the things he's addicted to will have to leave his life.

You can't do it for him.

You have to get out of the way and let the substances themselves do it to him -- by the overall pain they create in his life.

Until you choose to step out of the way, all you're doing is enabling his addictions. Enabling? It's a fancy word for "you're giving him the resources that he needs to continue to feed his addiction."

So I'm going to talk to you about some pretty tough stuff. (Please go look up Plan B; click on Concepts in the heading for this page.)

When are you leaving?

How long does he have to be clean for you to be willing to talk to him again? (I'd recommend three months in order for the FIRST CONVERSATION to happen.)

How long clean before you're willing to go on a first date? (Think about it as if you were dating a new man. How long would you want that person to be clean? I think a year sounds like a nice number.)

How long would he have to have had a job before the first date? (I'm thinking six months. Who wants to date a guy who can't keep a job?)

You mentioned that you get child support, which I assume means that he's not the father of your kids. Would you tell us a little more about the situation you're in? Is this a first marriage for you? For him? How many kids are there, and whose are they? How did previous marriages end? All this will help us figure out what the dynamics of your relationship are likely to be like, so I hope you don't mind that I'm asking.

I don't mind any questions. In fact, I welcome them. Let me first say that I was shocked to hear that I had low self esteem. I actually thought it was pretty good - but thats why I came here......to get an outsiders opinion. It always makes me look at things differently.

Also, I am wanting to show my husband this board and my posts. Do you think that is a good idea? Maybe see if he will post here too? That way it isn't a one-sided debate.

Now, on to your questions:

~~You mentioned that you get child support, which I assume means that he's not the father of your kids. Would you tell us a little more about the situation you're in?~~

I was married for 6 years in the mid 90's. I had my first son in 1993 and left his father for another man. I wanted a divorce years earlier but was in a bad position. Our home sat on my fathers land and my father is VERY against divorce. He said if I divorced my husband, I'd have to move off his land. My husband was in the ARMY and I was a housewife so I had no money to move out. I felt trapped and found security in another man. I never loved him (my 1st husband) as a 'wife' should lover her husband. It was more of a friendship - there wasn't even any sex the last 3 years. I just couldn't do it. I knew he loved me and I felt bad about having sex in a situation where I didn't love him. I was a very mean wife. I took all his money and blowed it. I didn't pay the bills and got way into debt. I wanted out, but the money was good - basically I was a spoiled brat who didn't love the man she lived with. It was one of those teenage pregnancy's. I was a month from being 20 y/o when my son was born. Anyway, after leaving him, he filed for divorce (1998) and we are now great friends. Even he and my new husband are great friends. There is never any conflict and that is good for the kids. I have not been the perfect wife even to my second husband. As I noted earlier - I had to seek counseling and medication before I could realize what kind of monster I was. I even had my second husband arrested on false 'domestic violence' charges when we were split up. I was THAT mean. I wish I could go back and change so many things, but I can't. Even after me having him arrested, he still took me back once he knew I had sought help. I wouldn't have even taken me back. So much has changed since then though - and becoming a new person has allowed me to love my husband even more, I guess thats why it hurts more.


~~Is this a first marriage for you?~~

No, described above.

~~For him?~~ Yes, this is his first marriage. He was 20 and I was 26 when we got married. When we met, it was actually just a friendship and then evolved into more. It was very quick though. We met in July 2000 and married in March 2001. None the less, I still love him with everything in me.

~~How many kids are there, and whose are they?~~

I have 2 boys, one by each husband.

~~How did previous marriages end?~~ Described above. BTW - I never wanted to marry my first husband. It really was a shot-gun wedding. I grew up in a very strict environment which is partially what led to me depression in later years.

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: CaptialC ]</small>

Just 'bumping' this thread to see what you all think about me showing this site/thread to my husband and maybe getting him to participate here (even thought I doubt he would).