Cy, I thought this was a very good post and wanted to pull it out from cerri's so as not to invade her thread.

(edited to take out some specifics)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dr David Viscott once said that part of any pathological relationship is not only summarized in the role of the "sick" partner. He states that the healthy partner is partly responsible for that pathology because they put their own needs into the mix and deepen that pathology by having that need.

Your need to have your husband fill the role of a husband & father, makes him worse. Not only is he incapable of a loving, stable relationship, your expectation and demands for him to do so, deepen his gross personality defect. Here is a man that(in the way you and I view love) doesn't love you, won't love you and can not love you. You need to seperate from him. Often getting rid of a negative in your life is as healthy as obtaining something positive.

In a way his actions can be interpreted as "get away from me so that I can't hurt you anymore".

It might be wise to listen to his message.

Forgive him and let him go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the part I bolded really stuck out at me. I wonder how many of us are missing that message?

aislinn,

In my own struggle to make sense out of our common tragedy, I have found and read(and listened) to a lot of experts. Some things resonate, mainly because they blow you away with their simplicity and dead on accuracy. I have found a lot of truth,understanding and strength in Dr Viscott's work.

Asilin -that blew me away -it was just what my WH was saying for 2 years -not anymore now though..

Cy, I know that in my own case, my husband will even say things to this effect. How it is not fair to me, how he can see it happening again no matter what we do, etc etc. It's something I'm starting to listen to.

I still want to do the "at least try" part and if that sentiment is still there then we would not reconcile. But it's something I will be keeping in mind, for sure.

Maddy,

The undefinable portion is the "try". By definition , I would say that most if not all posters are more than willing to salvage their M. Unfortunately, the time frame and effort necessary can only accurately be seen in retrospect. Defining just how much you can give...just how much you can take, is a very individual choice.

You are so right, Cy. And for that reason I'm glad that my h and I decided on June for divorce if things have not changed significantly. That date is not set in stone, but it's a very good guide.