I have held off posting becasue there is so much other tragedy on this board but I have to vent here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
As my DD is staying with WH until we find a new home, he is supposed to be her primary care, right? IS this rocket science.

New Years Eve, first the choices he gives to DD are
1. COme to party with him and the Ditchpig and DD has to be polite
2. Stay home with an 11 year old and 16 year old kids of where WH boards
3. Take a ferry ride back to our old home as I was there.

Good choices huh! WHen I freaked out about that he pouted and said "FIne, I'll go to bed at 8 o'clock like I have for the last 10 years" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yes he is 43 not 5. ANyway..THen he tells me on New YEars Eve that he will be going out for dinner and then coming back to spend New Year's Eve with DD.

Well, he got home at just before 2am/

DD called me 3 times upset. BUt, when she told him she hadn't wanted him to leave at all and the she TOLD him. He denied it and finally said fine. WTH

Okay, so this weekend I picked up DD at 10am Saturday. She had decided that she would spend overnight with me every other weekend as she wants to spend time with her Dad. So, Friday I confirm this with the Dork. He said he had plans and I said that if he needed me to keep her that he should tell her that. I am so sick and tired of getting blamed for his lies. I brought her back after supper. He was at a concert or so he had said.

GUess when he got home? TODAY, 24 hours after he left yesterday. No Call No number to call in an emergency NOTHING. Is this the actions of a responsible parent? AM I over-reacting? SHe was safe becasue the Dork lives with a family. BUt, he is DD's father not them!

Anyway I called him and basically said that this is why I will never agree to joint custody. He has no parenting skills. I told him he was like the unnatural mother of his son who used to leave her kids while she partied.
He flamed back that I sounded like her. I almost laughed.

THen I said "look you are responsible for you DD and staying out all night is not being a responsible parent."

Are you ready for his response? I wasn't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dork said "What's wrong with that?"

I couldn't help it, I had to laugh and said I was done talking. I keep reading about how WS's abandon their children but I swear I never believed that my WH was capable of this.

HE doesn't think ANYTHING he has done is wrong.

He is crazy. He has to be. What other answer could there be to this?

FAA,

Not much to say other than one cannot reason with the drunk, the insane, 4 yr. olds and philandering sailors.

Also wanted to post this link for some light reading. Thought you might want to bookmark it if things go that way.

Binder

FAA... mine is similar. Dragging me into court because I didn't give her a D that was speedy enough to suit her.

Do you have a "done" date?

GC

Well even my 3 1/2 year old yeilds to reason some times.

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: husbandOfEeyorelover ]</small>

Binder, Thanks? Light Reading? I was doing a nap jerk on the Intro! And I am a Technical Writer/Analyst <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not much to say other than one cannot reason with the drunk, the insane, 4 yr. olds and philandering sailors </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh so true.

Graycloud. Yes. I have an end date. But, I need to bring closure through counselling and the Dork still says he will. Can't say when because I am transcribing my postings to my website.

I am in the process of getting my story up there. The ultimate goal is to get other spouses of military members to give me feedback on their experiences in similar situations. I plan on gathering the stats and taking them to the media, or the government or whoever turns out to give a darn about the type of behaviour that seems so rampant in the military with NO consequences.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

FAA:

You are the girl....da bomb. Still standing after all of this complete BS you have been through. I admire you big time.

Double Cheers to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

{{Sourpuss}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thanks. Notice that I have an end date? I am at the end of my battle soon. HAven't stopped loving the Dork. But me and my DD are my priorities. And though if wishes were horses, well. I don't even know that much any more. You can't reason with an insane person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And frankly I am furious with myself that I didn't see the red flags that must have been there. No one can act this way without being insane or severely damaged IMHO. Call it FOG but it is insanity to choose to destroy a family and feel justifed in abandoning your family and especially your children. NYE was bad enough. Now it is a pattern.

Right now, I am homeless, jobless and without my DD. Once things get settled and the finances are straightened out. Well, then we will see what happens next. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

THank Goodness I am not normally a violent person. Right now I could kick some a**.

I feel ya girl *hugs* Not to thread jack...but guess where i was today with DS.....the hospital.....yesterday when he woke up from his nap he had a high fever....I immediatly gave him childrens advil...and tylenol....still wasn't going down much so i gave him a bath and that helped cool him down and geave him more meds....put him to bed....woke him up at oh midnight to give him more meds....then this morning his fever was back up to 104.5 I said thats it...we are heading to the hospital....I called DORK...guess what he said....isn't there somewhere else to take him the hospital is too expensive.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .....ok what a dumba$$...I said what would you like me to do...."Take him to his regular doctor...how come he always gets this sick on a sunday?"...I said I don't know WH why don't you ask him...but for now i am going to do whats right and take him to get the help he needs....he started arguing with me and finally I said LOOK I don't have the time to argue with you I need 2 hands to get ready and so i can drive...then I hung up....he called back and said "will you let me finish a sentance....I said I am getting dressed and coming over there"....he said it 4 times...I told him then shut up get dressed and stop wasting my time....he said don't boss me around...I simply told him hurry up and get here if your not here by the time I am ready to leave we are going without you...and hung up.....DORK was here in time...and went with us to the hospital and stayed there...pissed me off he had to keep text messaging OW...like she has a right to know whats going on. But the doctors gave DS some meds and took x-rays.....he might possibly have pneumonia again....or a mass in his chest....the x-rays showed a very odd looking area in his lungs.... I am scared now...and of course DORK felt bad for being such an [censored] this A.M. So for now the doctors sent us home with some strong antibiotics and we are following up with his regular doctor tommarrow. I pray it's only an infection.

THanks SAW. WHat is it witht he DOrks? THey lose their integrity, their morals, their judgement, their honour, their commitments. He!! THey are Jekyll an dHyde. I swear that if I had ever seen this side of the Dork before 3 years ago and that was mild compared to his insanity this time, I would have NEVER reconciled with him. He is putting our DD in the middle of this. He is NOT her Father. He used to be. He says he loves her more than anything.

My Response. (Not said out loud) OH REALLY? There is not one decison or choice since he started fu***** the OW that has put DD anywhere near the top of his list. NOT ONCE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I swear if there was a way for me to do it, I would insist on a psych eval. ANd that brings me to the OW. I make a point of leaving her messages when the Dork pulls this crap. She is so interested in being part of this marriage, let her deal with the frickin fallout as well. What kind of mother can she be? In my entire life, I could NEVER EVER have such low self-esteem, morals as to get involved with a married man. EVER.

I do not take sloppy seconds. BLECH!

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Heya there... long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kick him in a butt for me k?

~~He is NOT her Father. He used to be.~~

Well no matter how much we'd like to change that sometimes, the fact is - he'll always be her father, biologically at least. Of course, being a daddy is a whole different area.

Although I understand your anger, I don't think leaving your daughter in the care of others for 24 hours qualifies as abandonment - even if he didn't leave a number. Maybe it differs by state, but here in Tennessee the courts would literally laugh at us if we made that claim over a 24 hour outing. IS it really the fact that he left her in the care of someone else for 24 hours that bothers you? Or is it because he was out 'partying'? Would you have felt different if he was pulling a 24 hour shift at work (which happens in the miliitary)? I see some underlying issues here. I think you are finding an outlet for your pain through your daughter. You are hurt and look for ways to get mad at him because you want to 'get him back' for what he has done to you and then you justify it by bringing your daughter into it. These are perfectly normal reactions, but they must be controlled.

Just the same, I like your idea of making the ditchpig deal with some of the issues too. Since she wanted to involve herself, let her be involved.

Unfortunatley, I see a tug of war that is going to last for years with your daughter. By instinct and pain, you will never agree with or be able to justify anything your ex does from here on out - and it will always be brought back to the child. I sincerely hope you haven't used this incident to 'tell' or 'show' your daughter what a 'bad' father she has. Regardless of divorce, children love both their parents and badmouthing one can make the child feel guilty about loving them.

Once D-Day arrives, it's probably best that you do not involve yourself at all in knowing what your ex does. It's only going to create more anger within inside you. Besides, if I read right, your DD is 12 - she is old enough to let you know if there is a problem. It seems the daughter is the 'link' between each of you knowing the others business. You have to stop that or else your daughter is going to witness many, many days of hatred.

BTW - your idea for your website is really good. I think it's time someone brought those things out in the open.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: CaptialC ]</small>

Hi, Cap. Well, you are not quite on the mark!

In the first place, I have made any time that the DOrk has possible. DD NEVER wanted to stay with him. I gave her the ultimate choice. But, she was reluctant. I understand how important keepping a relationship with he Dad is. When I said he is not her Father. HE IS NOT ACTING LIKE HER FATHER. I do not recognize this, this, THING/ALIEN.

THat is what I meant. THere is no power struggle. As far as D-Day. THat is quite a ways away. I will not seek a D. If he wants one, he can do the stuff.

I am not using my daughter's pain as a catlyst for my anger at DOrk. I don't know how much you know of my entire story. HAve you been lurking for a while?

Let me reiterate. I DO NOT TRUST HIM TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER IN A POSITIVE PARENTING ROLE. Becasue of past choices he has made. Repeatedly. He has chosen to spend his time with OW and her D. He has tried to force DD to meet OW. He has promised to spend time with her and on numerous occasions, including the disastrous New Year's Eve fiasco where she waited for him all night. (He showed up at almost 2 am after going out with OW. )

He has broken every promise he has ever made to her. ALL promises of time and love and where she stands in his life. That is why I said he is not her father. He is a typical fogged WS. He was so wonderful and so close to her. Not any more. She even wants to change her name to my maiden name. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He said "Okay" Typical fog.

He also has some serious personal issues that as a typical c/a he has not dealt with. No, I am not excusing his behaviour. I recognize it is inexcusable.

As far as what he does? I don't ask DD any more. I realized she was put in the middle. DD calls me! When she is upset. So, yes, I do react. ON HER BEHALF! ONLY. I am honestly trying to disengage completely from him. And friends and family are helping me to do that. I try to run things by them before I speak to him and after to see if I am being an overprotective mother, wife, etc.

In the future, He can suck rocks. He needs to hit bottom and I know that. BUT if he does anything to hurt DD, you bet. If she tells me that he did something callously or selfishly that hurts her self-esteem any more than he already has, he will know about it. NOt necessarily form my mouth. I have an intermediary, well I have 3. THey will convey any messages. Once the finances are straightened out.

Hope that clears thing up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

THanks about the website. ANy suggestions are very welcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fightingalone-again:
<strong>
Let me reiterate. I DO NOT TRUST HIM TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER IN A POSITIVE PARENTING ROLE. Becasue of past choices he has made. Repeatedly. He has chosen to spend his time with OW and her D. He has tried to force DD to meet OW. He has promised to spend time with her and on numerous occasions, including the disastrous New Year's Eve fiasco where she waited for him all night. (He showed up at almost 2 am after going out with OW. )

He has broken every promise he has ever made to her. ALL promises of time and love and where she stands in his life. That is why I said he is not her father. He is a typical fogged WS. He was so wonderful and so close to her. Not any more. She even wants to change her name to my maiden name. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He said "Okay" Typical fog.

He also has some serious personal issues that as a typical c/a he has not dealt with. No, I am not excusing his behaviour. I recognize it is inexcusable.

As far as what he does? I don't ask DD any more. I realized she was put in the middle. DD calls me! When she is upset. So, yes, I do react. ON HER BEHALF! ONLY. I am honestly trying to disengage completely from him. And friends and family are helping me to do that. I try to run things by them before I speak to him and after to see if I am being an overprotective mother, wife, etc.

In the future, He can suck rocks. He needs to hit bottom and I know that. BUT if he does anything to hurt DD, you bet. If she tells me that he did something callously or selfishly that hurts her self-esteem any more than he already has, he will know about it. NOt necessarily form my mouth. I have an intermediary, well I have 3. THey will convey any messages. Once the finances are straightened out.

Hope that clears thing up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

THanks about the website. ANy suggestions are very welcome. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FAA:

I NOW know enough from my experiences here on this message board to dare to try and give an opinion that is contrary to the site's principles. SO, I won't go there. But, I must say, DAMN GIRL, you have some internal patience and peace that I wish I had. IF I was in your shoes, it would take a f-ing army to hold me back from wanting to rip my WS head off. I think the rage would consume me. I get pissed just reading your posts about your husband. How do you deal with the rage and hurt? I know that you truly believe that this is all an "alien" and not your husband, but still.....how do you deal? I would really like to know. You know that I mean no harm here, I am just curious how you deal with this every day and still go on fighting for your marriage and NOT wanting a divorce (anyone here who thinks I am offending them by asking these questions, please refrain from posting a diatribe to me, you are wasting your f-ing breath).

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

{{{Sourpuss}}} I understand. I really do.I truly appreciate your curiousity. HONEST. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am not insulted or hurt. Your post ALWAYS make me think. WHen you 2x4 even unintentionally, they are usually pretty close to the mark.

So, My rage? I am beyond that. I keep a very tight check on the level of fury that I feel very justifed in having. I feel contempt and disgust with this THING that I thought was my H.

NY Day, I actually punched the Dork in the face. More than once. I am tall, 5'9" around 130 or so. He is 6'3" about 240. He has a loose tooth.

But that was too close for me. I have NEVER ever hit anyone in my entire life. I have never been in a fight. Never had to. I use my brains and plan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Divorce? Please note I did not say I wouldn't divorce him. I said let him do it. Big difference.

One of the biggest mistakes that I made in my marriage was taking care of him and the bills and trying to do everything myself. He calls it a controlling thing. NOW. And perhaps it is. He!! I am a strong and determined woman who knows her own worth. And I LIKE me just the way I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And I am good at organizing things and people. So it was natural to "take care" of him.

So, my reason for not filing for divorce and for not doing a lot of things is so that he has to. He never even considered how hard it is to make ends meet. Let alone the time and commitment it takes to raise healthy happy, well-adjusted children. I had a career. But my kids came first. Always.

So, now, for my effort, I have no home, I have no money and my DD is staying with the Dork. And he doesn't even do a darn thing with her. EVER other than play video games. He is 43 for crying out loud. One of his biggest complaints was not enough RAs. So, what is he doing with DD? Nothing. He doesn't check her homework,tuck her in bed, nothing. He used to when he was home.

Am I going off the path? Perhaps. Let me put it another way. He is not the man I thought he was. I deserve better. Heck even my doctor is trying to set me up already. I am a catch as my kids and friends tell me. Don't know if I would go that far. But, I am an honest, intelligent, and reasonably nice, though opinionated person.

So, will my life end without WH. NO. I am bruised and bleeding but I am fighting. Not for him anymore. For me and DD. NOt MB either.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

~~In the future, He can suck rocks~~

LOL! I had never heard that before, but got a good chuckle when I read it. Next time I'm mad at hubby, thats what I'm gonna say to him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FAA - I do not know your whole story, only what I read in this post. You seem like an excellent mother who is willing to go at all costs to protect her child. Thats what a mother is all about.

I understand your comment about your hubby acting 'alien' like. Right now he is focusing on 'him' and his pleasures, not that of your daughter. Hopefully he will come back down to earth before he misses too much of your daughters life. I do find it disrespectful to your daughter that he is forcing her to see this other woman. I mean, there comes a time when that will have to happen, but from what I gather, this is all pretty recent and your daughter is just not ready.

It is such a shame, with all that is taught to our military men, that this happens SO much in the military. They teach them how to protect an entire nation, yet not their own homes. Sad. Military life is HARD. I lived it for 6 years. Fortunately for me, I didn't want to be married to my husband and I welcomed his year long deployments to other countries. However, I could not imagine it happening with the man I am married to now.

I've always wondered just HOW our military expects to produce healthy families if the father is never there? It seems a very selfish system to me.

Hey, Cap. THe Dork is TRyING to force DD to meet the DP. By trying to guilt her with"don't you want me to be happy?" junk or by giving her choices like meet her and be polite or stay home. She CHOOSES to stay home. So, he has not suceeded. THe other reason is that I spoke to our IC and he said that if DD does not want to meet DP, it is her chioce and to try to force her to be "polite" to the person that is helping the DOrk destroy her family could have a devstating effect on DD. I came right out and told WH that I would go to court and get an RO against him and her if he tried that cr@p again. Still trying to guilt her. WHich makes me crazy and I can't stop him until we have the finances taken care of and we are back together. She SOOOOO wants to live with me and get the heck away from him. SHe is very astute and sees his lies. Her LB is pretty low right now.

THe military? Canadian or American?

I was speaking about the American Military. I'm not familiar with the Canadian Military.

FAA: Keep up the good work. (You're relentless which probably helps.) Though I do have a question for you. You stated that you're going to make the dork file for D, do you think he will? And if he doesn't are you prepared for that?

I know this didn't really help, but maybe it will give you something to think about that you hadn't considered before.

{{{{{FAA}}}}}

Thanks, RH. Who the heck knows. I gues it dpeends on whether he listens to the "counselling" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (his words not mine) from the OW.
I guess she will want him to file immediately. But of course that will take at least a year, if I don't file. And if I fight it, it could take another year.

Right now, I will do nothing to enable anything that the DOrk wants. NOTHING. IMHO he is insane. In fact, I was thinking about it after I spoke to someone and actually sent him an email asking him to get a doctor to check to see if he had had a mini-stroke, an aneurism or a tumour!

Of course he will ignore it, but perhaps it is me again trying to excuse his inexcusable behaviour.

I know if I say black, he will say white. That is why I am slowly disengaging. He is nuts!

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>