What do you do if full NC involves cooperation on the part of the OW?

WH has already changed his email address, uninstalled Messenger, and will be changing his cell phone in order to make it impossible (well, really difficult, anyway) for OW to contact him.

Unfortunately, the email account to which she has been sending him emails since he requested NC three weeks ago is in her hands - it is "his" account but as it is attached to hers, the only way to dismantle it is for her to request it. This means there is the potential for a constant battle for WH - to check that account or not check that account - while it is in existence and very likely contains communication from her.

Is it better for us to both "trust" WH to not check it or to include a request to close the account in the NC letter we are drafting?

Oooo, just had a brainwave - what if *I* would change the password on the account and be the sole owner?

Thoughts?

Thanks,

Gris

You answered your own question Gris and that sounds like the best thing to do because I can tell you (as a R(recovered)WW myself) that the temptation to check it would be overwhelming even if he tries to force himself not to.

NC has to be total, deep and dark. It is the best tool to permanently end an A that there is.

This is all good - it sounds like your H is willing to do all the right stuff, which is a HUGE step in the right direction for recovery.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by griselda:
<strong> What do you do if full NC involves cooperation on the part of the OW?

WH has already changed his email address, uninstalled Messenger, and will be changing his cell phone in order to make it impossible (well, really difficult, anyway) for OW to contact him.

Unfortunately, the email account to which she has been sending him emails since he requested NC three weeks ago is in her hands - it is "his" account but as it is attached to hers, the only way to dismantle it is for her to request it. This means there is the potential for a constant battle for WH - to check that account or not check that account - while it is in existence and very likely contains communication from her.

Is it better for us to both "trust" WH to not check it or to include a request to close the account in the NC letter we are drafting?

Oooo, just had a brainwave - what if *I* would change the password on the account and be the sole owner?

Thoughts?

Thanks,

Gris </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, I think you would gain a better insight into the answer to your question if you read this site and the posts regarding NC in depth. No Contact is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL in marriage recovery. There is NO ROOM for error here. Any contact RESTARTS the recovery clock. People have moved accross the country to ensure NC. There is NO ROLE for "cooperation" from the OW here. She should have no say in this whatsoever. If she somehow keeps "popping up", you may need to take the blinders off and really question if there is NC and if your WH is doing everything he can to ensure NC. A reality to this all is that if your WH is gonna have contact and betray you again, short of imprisoning him, you can't control it or stop it. If he is gonna cheat again, he will find a way to do it. Your husband is an adult and if your marriage and it's recovery are his main priority in life, he will take extreme measures to ensure NC. YOu CANNOT ever expect to get any "cooperation" from an OW here.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Thank you for the advice. Failure to ensure NC *before* we (okay, I) tried to reconcile is why I've been through several false recoveries. I'm doing my best to not go down that road again and am acutely aware that NC is mandatory and not optional.

I absolutely do not dispute the need for deep, dark NC and for the WS to bear the burden of proof that everything necessary has been done to prevent contact. It IS rather silly to think that the OW would be so kind as to close the account in respect of our wishes when the whole "please don't contact me again" does not seem to have mattered to her.

Also rather silly to put faith in the willpower of a WS still emerging from the murky depths.

Thanks for bearing with me as I answered my own question and demonstrated yet again my naive tendency to believe that people operate the way I think they should <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . And thanks, Lemonman - I am trying to follow MB as we establish NC but will keep digging. We already live across the country, so that helps.

Gris

Gris, you’re doing it the right way.

LM, You are SO right about NC. I cannot emphasise enough how strongly I feel about NC. I left my job because there was a slight chance of contact (OM was a client - but coincidentally - nothing to do with the A).

BTW I had accidental contact 2 weeks ago after a year. The outcome was positive in that I told my H immediately, I used all the 2x4s I got here to discuss it with my H and we are now closer than ever.

Sorry if I have a slight threadjack here sort of to LM (re Cerri’s thread) - LM, I've told you before my H would divorce me immediately if contact ever started again and he really, really means it. So you and I think alike on that one. I wouldn’t blame him and I’d expect it.

Jen

Griselda,

I'll admit I'm not familiar with your story so perhaps my initial thoughts are off target.

NC means NC for EVERYONE. Neither your H nor you should contact the OP. Therefore I don't see that moving the account to your name will help anything. If you see emails from OW it will just be a trigger and a setback.

Why not simply abandon that account and open another one that OW doesn't know about?

Gris-

Change the password on that e-mail account.....to one only you know, and then leave it alone. That way you are assured he's not accessing it.

I hadn't thought about it being a setback for you, so I would change the PW, and then abandon the account.


Good Luck
-Caren

Gris-

Change the password on that e-mail account.....to one only you know, and then leave it alone. That way you are assured he's not accessing it.

I hadn't thought about it being a setback for you, so I would change the PW, and then abandon the account.


Good Luck
-Caren

Gris, change the password, remove all temptation. If OW persist, I would expose further on her end of things. Protect your M.

KY