...and I don't mean just for the condolences offered for the loss of my Brother, but for all the kind words and good advice I've ever gotten since I first signed up.

As for my bro, the loss is devastating. Not just that I lost a Brother, but moreso that his Children lost a Father. I just can't get my head around that...

...does not compute...

I'm grateful that I have a faith that allows me to put that aside and focus on where I go from here, but it really hurts bad all the same.

Anyway, I'm in a real turmoil right now, so I'm trying to avoid any really huge decisions, but a few things are becoming clear...

Particularily in regards to marriage building and this site in general.

I generally have spent a lot of time here. Tons of lurking, and when I do post, there tends to be a buildup and then I write a book.

I've frantically grasped at solutions and tripped over my own metaphoric feet. In my desperation and emotional panic, I've done things that no sane person would contemplate and helped make a bad situation infinitely worse.

And in the light of my recent experiences, all this seems not just counter-productive, but also apriorially a colossal waste of time.

So I think I'm going to do a little back up on the ol' MBing.

I know what kind of person I want to be. I know pretty much exactly what I want my Life to be like. With a bit of thought, a pen and a piece of paper, I'm confident I could put my own personal plan together.

My efforts and time, I think, would be better focused there...

What does this mean for me and Dylan? Well, I don't know. I love her a great deal and her name would sure be on that personal plan of mine ...right at the top. And I hope that any and all changes that she might notice are to her liking and she changes her stance towards me. But I don't really have a lot of control over that, so we'll see.

I don't know what else to say, really... I'm pretty tired and prone to babbling so maybe I'll just quit while I'm ahead...

Had a great day today. Went skiing with Mini-dewt. Videotaped it for Mom and watched it when we got home. Pretty cool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

John

dewt...don't "know" you very well, but have read a lot of what you and dylan have endured, both self-inflicted and personal out-of-your-hands tragedy. And you're still doing OK, right? It's got to amount to something, right?

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to you and best wishes and blessings. I sincerely hope you two can make it work--lots of time sweat and tears have been invested.

Prayers and blessings,
LINY

Dewt, I'm a bit confused, forgive me, are you saying you are leaving MB????

I saw some coverage on TV, about a snowboarder, I assume it was your brother. It was very sad to watch. I'm very sorry for his family's loss and your loss as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Trust your faith, and follow through with your plan. I'm positive you are going to be okay.

KY

Ya, I think I'm leaving... (Not to say I won't pop back in every blue moon)

My Brother was an awesome man. In contemplating his life, I've realized that he was an expert at committing himself. He never did anything half way, and never gave up on his (decidedly obscure) dreams. And he certainly never wasted any time discussing a matter to death.

He was all about direct action.

In comparison, I believe that I've spent the last while (not sure how long, but quite some time) I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I feel like I've been submersing myself in my pain and feelings of rejection and as a result have been missing the point.

I feel a strong urge to utterly reject all things that are holding me back from living a true life.

I come here whining about my pain, and how I can't take it anymore and then largely I just get thumped by other posters. Or ignored... which just amplifies my feelings or rejection and unworthiness.

I see a cycle that is just bringing me round and round the same pointless ride.

My goal here should have been to get help putting a plan together and then find the support to see it through. Somehow that hasn't been happening. When I read through some of the other posts, and I see the trends that are prevailant on this board, I'm not encouraged that it will ever happen.

I hate to whine about how things 'used to be'... so I won't.

Instead, I will thank you so very sincerely for your words of condolence. I have no doubt that many (ok, maybe not many, but at least a few) care deeply about Dylan and I, and for your concern, I am eternally grateful.

I just don't feel that this board is having any positive impact on my life.

I don't feel like I have anything of value to offer the denizens of this message board. Perhaps that's a bad way of putting it, but the point is there nonetheless...

So ya, I think you could consider this my goodbye thread...

John

Dewt, I'm not sure rather to be sad your leaving this board, or be happy that you are finding your way.

I have felt many times the same way you are feeling, so I understand. I would also like to personally invite you to Idiotville, not that anybody needs a personal invite, but I just wanted to reach out to you.

You will find a great support group there. We have all taken each other in, and rooted and prayed and help devise a plan for each other.

I don't know exactly your's and Dylans story, I just know you still seem to struggle. I'm going to pray for you now.

You sound so wise, John, maybe MB just isn't worthy of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care,

KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kyellow4:
<strong>You sound so wise, John, maybe MB just isn't worthy of you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL!!! *Ahem* I have no problem at all sounding wise... it's acting wise that I need to keep working on...

I thank you for your invite over to idiotville. Lately things here have been somewhat hectic and I'm not getting much time to read or post, but eventually things will calm down and I'd be happy to drop in.

J

(ps: if I visit Idiotville, do I have to start reading from the beginning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ?)

if I visit Idiotville, do I have to start reading from the beginning?

Dewt, I'ville is like a Larson 'Far Side' cartoon book IMO - no story and some pages are plain baffling but fun and satisfying most EVERYWHERE you dip in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stay mate, we need ya. Nobody else here with a story quite like yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no problem at all sounding wise... it's acting wise that I need to keep working on...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah, your an Idiot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Drop by whenever, we will have open arms.

God bless you, KY

Hey Dewt - Hope you stop by I-Ville sometime... no pressure and lots of fun people to hang out with...