My wife admitted to me over a year ago that she was having an affair. She broke it off and we have been working on our marriage and it has been really good the past year. The problem is that we still see the OM in our church. Yesterday, he came on to her. In the past month, he has also tried to call her on her cell phone and in passing tried to make contact. He is married and is supposed to be going to counseling at our church. I told him when I first found out about the affair that if he tried to approach my wife that he would have problems with me and that I was going to try to salvage my marriage. Since he was hitting on her, I think I need to let him know that this is not acceptable. I have consulted others on what to do and I have got different advise. My wife does not want me to do anything. She does not want to be seen as a tattle-tale. She was "best friends" with the wife and does not want to hurt her anymore by blowing the whistle that he is up to his old tricks. My thought is that it is better for her to hear it now than later. Also, the gestures are getting more bold toward my wife so I think I need to let him know that I know what he is doing. My instict is to go to him and confront him but this information probably will not make it back to his wife. I have been told that I should contact his wife first and tell her what is going on. I have been told that I should inform the person that they are counseling with at our church and let them deal with it. All I want is for him to leave us alone. Any advise on how I should approach this?

Hello,

It is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife as quickly as possible. The reason he is still trying to hit on her is because you gave him a clear message that he could do this because you never contacted the OM's wife when you initially found out. The message to him therefore was that you were willing to accept his actions.
No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change.

The comment from your wife that she did not want you to do this because she did not want to be perceived as a "tattletale" is pathetic. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed, your wife would damn well want to be informed by your lover's husband.

The fact that this OM continues to hit on your wife in church indicates he has absolutlely no fear from you and believes you are controlled by your wife. In addition, he probably feels because your wife has stopped you contacting his spouse; your wife down deep would really wants to continue this affair in the future. In short, the message you are giving the OM by not contacting the OM's wife is that you are willing to accept all sorts of continued humiliation and disrespect from him without him suffering any consequences.

I also found it very strange that your wife has not told him in uncertain terms to get lost. It may be she is also giving out subtle messages. If she were to tell him to go to hell I doubt this would continue. The combination of her apparently accepting his behavior and you refusing to take action by informing his spouse is a clear message to him to continue this behavior. I wish you luck.

Roller-

I agree....you need to contact the OM's wife, you need to also expose him to not just the person counseling him, but also to the minister.

I would tell your wife that it's important to get it out into the open so that you can heal...her having contact with him weekly is probably just fueling any feelings that she has for him. They may be carrying on an emotional affair even if the Physical part is over.

This guy sounds like an @ss to be doing this overtly at church. He needs to be taken down a peg or two.

-Caren

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Bryanp

Just to clarify. The OM's wife does know about the affair. My wife used to be "best friends" and they have only spoken briefly since then. They have had marriage problems that predate the affair and continue till now. I agree that he is a scumbag but that is not really my concern. I just want them to go away and leave our marriage alone. My wife did contact our pastor this morning to get his advise. He is praying about it. At this point, most everyone knows about this most recent activity except the OM's wife. I agree that by not doing anything, I am almost giving him the green light to continue. And my wife has not yet told him to "get lost". In fact, she states that she is still "in love" with him and does not want to hurt him. She just chooses to not act on her feelings and is more "in love" with me. She can't see the type of person he really is because he never treated her that way.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Rollercoaster11 ]</small>

NC, needs to be in place, I suggest you need to find a new church. There are consequences to this sort of behavior, your wife no longer has the priveledge to attend this church, she has lost her priveledge because of her A.

RC, it is your concern, if he is coming onto your W. He needs to be exposed. He has crossed boundaries, and it was easy, because there is still contact available to him.

RC, protect your family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I agree that by not doing anything, I am almost giving him the green light to continue. And my wife has not yet told him to "get lost". In fact, she states that she is still "in love" with him and does not want to hurt him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This says it all, stop asking your W for her advice, she is still lost. She can not think rationally, she is in the fog. It is up to you to think for the both of you. Her logic is the logic of a person still not recovered from an A. Nobody should trust that logic.

By allowing OM to have contact with her, it is feeding her feelings for him, she will not feel indifferent for him while he is still able to flirt with her. She is getting her "in Love" feelings fed by this. He is taking big risks, flirting with her, in front of you, or near you, that to her is saying she is really special.

Step up RC, be the man she needs you to be, fight for your M. Put a stop to this contact, find your family a new church, and expose this man, and absolutely call his W.
KY

Hi, R11.

If you want your marriage to recover, then NO CONTACT with the other person must be observed.

If that means changing churches or restraining orders, then that is what you do.

You need to expose this latest behavior to the other man's wife.

Please consider you and your pastor confronting your wife about her behavior. This is NOT about love. It is about your marriage. How she 'feels' toward the other man has little bearing on the stark reality of your situation.

All the best,
Gimble

Need some more advise. My wife has insisted this whole time that although she has feelings for the OM, she would not act on them. I believed her and had no reason to doubt her until yesterday. I was balancing her checkbook and while looking for receipts, found a phonecard. Initially, I was a little puzzled and saw no reason for her to have a phone card. After a few minutes of discussion, she admitted that she had called the OM on two occasions. She stated that she only wanted to 'hear his voice' and did not talk to him.

I was not very happy that she still had feelings for him but she assured me that she would not act on them. She has stated that the feelings were not longer 'love/sexual' but that of a missing/lost friend. I feel that she crossed the line by calling him even though she did not speak to him. She went out of her way to buy a phone card she did not need to concele the calls. In my book, this is contact. She does not see it that way. She is trying to portray this as a minor slip up and bad judgement.

Am I overreacting? I have had alot of stress from other things in my life over the past several months and don't know if I am overreacting or not.

Keith

No you are not overreacting. Yes, this is still contact. All WS's go through that "can't we still just be friends?" phase. The only answer to that is NO, you can't!