My WW , by most standards is a heavy drinker, 3 to 5 beers a day but in the last few days, she has been doing 14 or so.
Shes still in contact with OM so that is probably making situation worse, i.e. guilt, etc.

My questions are:

1. Does anyone know of an objective measure to determine if I am dealing with an alcoholic?

2. Which do I deal with first, alcohol or affair?

Thanks

Yes, it does sound like you might be dealing with an alcohol addiction. 14 a day is an astounding amount of alcohol..particularly for a woman to be ingesting.

There is nothing that you can do for your marriage or about the affair until the alcohol addiction has been brought to resolution.

This is pretty cut and dry..I'd be very suprised to see a different response.

So..welcome, and sorry for the bad news <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Contact ALA-NON today...
you will find
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any children in the home.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ark

Been there myself. Drinking 14 beers a day. Didn't vene think it was hurting my marriage, but I wasn't having an affair. My wife got emotionally involved with someone else.

But IMO the alcohol has to be dealt with first. When I ran to that I didn't have to deal with anything else. Any problems were always someone else's fault. I also had lots of self pity (you're right I am bad). That isn't so pretty when I think back on it.

You can't tell someone to stop drinking. When I think back on how mnay times my wife suggested I cut down it saddens me. If I had listened earlier things would be different.

You should go to alanon. I wish my wife did, and I still wish she would go to learn more about what other people went through. Maybe you'll learn something.

I only stopped after a virtual ulimatum. Found out the wife was unhappy with our marriage and contimplated leaving. Then I found out about her friendship with another male - another story. Ultimatums might work, but be prepared to carry them through. Go to alanon!

She may be an alcoholic or she is using the alcohol to deal with the guilt. My H is not much of a drinker, never has been. But during the A he was drinking all the time. Now he is back to hardly ever drinking, maybe a beer with dinner when we go out but that's it. I believe the alcohol was a crutch for him to help deal with what he was doing. It helped to numb him from the reality.

Thanks for replies.

With the mixed input, you can see why I am looking for an objective measurement.

Regarding alcoholism and recognizing a problem, here's a good list from a website I found:

Alcohol Abuse: How to Recognize Problem Drinking

Am I drinking too much?

YES, if you are:

1) A woman who has more than seven drinks* per week or more than three drinks per occasion

2) A man who has more than 14 drinks* per week or more than four drinks per occasion

3) Older than 65 years and having more than seven drinks* per week or more than three drinks per occasion

(*--One drink = one 12-oz bottle of beer (4.5 percent alcohol) or one 5-oz glass of wine (12.9 percent alcohol) or 1.5 oz of 80-proof distilled spirits.)

Am I drinking heavily?

YES, if you are:

1)A woman who has more than three drinks every day or 21 drinks per week

2) A man who has more than five drinks every day or 35 drinks per week

Am I taking risks with alcohol?

YES, if you:

1) Drink and drive, operate machinery or mix alcohol with medicine (over-the-counter and prescription medicine)

2) Don't tell your surgeon, physician or pharmacist that you are a regular drinker

3) Are pregnant or are trying to become pregnant and drink at all (even small amounts of alcohol may hurt an unborn child)
4) Drink alcohol while you are looking after small children

Has my drinking become a habit?

YES, if you drink regularly to:

1) Relax, relieve anxiety or go to sleep

2) Be more comfortable in social situations

3) Avoid thinking about sad or unpleasant things

4) Socialize with other regular drinkers

Is alcohol taking over my life?

YES, if you:

1) Ever worry about having enough alcohol for an evening or weekend

2) Hide alcohol or buy it at different stores so people will not know how much you are drinking

3) Switch from one kind of drink to another hoping that this will keep you from drinking too much or getting drunk

4) Try to get "extra" drinks at a social event or sneak drinks when others aren't looking

Has drinking alcohol become a problem for me?
YES, if you:

1) Can't stop drinking once you start

2) Have tried to stop drinking for a week or so but only quit for a few days

3) Fail to do what you should at work or at home because of drinking

4) Feel guilty after drinking

5) Find other people make comments to you about your drinking

6) Have a drink in the morning to get yourself going after drinking heavily the night before

7) Can't remember what happened while you were drinking

8)Have hurt someone else as a result of your drinking
------------------------------------------------

That said, I'd also ask how long your wife has been drinking heavily (the 3-5 drinks per day)? If it's a recent thing, it may not be as difficult to get under control. If she's done it for years, it's a bigger deal.

I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic. He had various dry periods, the last one being for the 2 years prior to his affair. Once he started the affair, he was back to drinking even heavier than what he drank before. As a man, it was nothing for him to consume a fifth of vodka or Jack Daniels over a Friday & Saturday night (generally with a number of beers thrown in for good measure).

He did SO many of the items listed above, it pains me to even think about it.

And what I found was that once the affair started, the drinking made it impossible for him to see reason. My criteria for taking him back was that he had to give up the OW and he had to give up drinking and get help for it. He, at one point, was considering giving up the affair, but he refused to give up the booze. He told me I wasn't going to tell him what to do. He also told me once that he was weak--that he simply COULDN'T give up the booze. It meant more to him than his marriage did. That IS addiction, and no matter what I wanted to believe, others on here who told me I couldn't fix my marriage until the alcohol was out of the picture were right.

I hope this isn't the case for you, but do beware of trying to fix anything if your wife continues to drink at the level she's drinking and doesn't get help.

LL

My WH started drinking alot more once his A's were exposed.

I think they should rename the group; Alcoholics, Affairs/Anonomous..

If they aren't hiding their guilt in the bottle - then they are out drinking to find an A partner. I think my WH uses drinking for both reasons.

He just doesn't GET IT..and never will..

I like to have a few drinks too - but, not 5-6 days a week - it doesn't affect my job - nor my marital committment.

Your spouse may need to dry out from both addictions..before you can deal w/her

Thanks for additional posts.

WW has started menopause within the last few months. That seemed to trigger the 3 to 5 drinks a day. The really heavy drinking just started 3 or so days ago.

I see no signs of her drinking before going to work. I did confront her about drinking. about a week after confronting her with affair. Based on WW's revisionist history, it was my fault along with affair.

I know she is trying to get committment from OM to give up his other women, plus I have been doing plan A. In particular, I think plan A behaviors have made situation more complicated for her. Getting needs meet by me that I haven't done for along time makes it harder for revisionist thinking.

Ktu,

I am an alcoholic. Deal with the alcohol. But remember that you can not get this person sober. She will need to commit to not drinking, going to meetings and etc. Keeping on the Plan A stuff, make her feel the guilt and shame. She must quit drinking before you have a chance. Then she starts through the second fog of recovering the M. Expect depression from both reccovery processes. Good luck you have a huge task in front of you and your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktu136:
WW has started menopause within the last few months. That seemed to trigger the 3 to 5 drinks a day. The really heavy drinking just started 3 or so days ago.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Menopause is NOT normally associated with an increased desire to drink alcohol. In fact, many women find that drinking alcohol increases their hot flashes, and thus automatically decrease their alcohol to avoid the hot flashes.....

Pep