Hi guys-well I felt it happen last night and woke up this morning and sure enough-I am back on the low end of this crap. so what do I do? Yep-you guessed it-I call WH husband and make a big stink....sigh. Well-he called first and I called back-but anyway-I sterted sobbing......telling him how miserable I was.....and he was listening-then he said "things will work out for you-you'll see. That just makes me madder b/c I feel like he is brushing me off so we got into it. Then he told me I had succeeded in making him feel guilty and making him upset before work....that I must "miss" fighting w/ him is why I start things like this. I asked him if he was sleeping w/ her....why I don't know. he said "I'm not answering that-why would you even ask something like that" which means YES...well duh. So I said "well-what if she gets PG?" and he said "well-thats something I can't control".....HUH??? I was like "WHAT???? I don't understand that???" That hurt-I can't have more kids b/c HE didn't want anymore.....I said-thats not how you felt w/ me and he said "our situation was different".....who IS this person??

I don't even know why I care-really and truly I don't honestly feel that mush for him anymore-I'm not even sure I love him anymore. And when we are together we are so strained-can't talk to each other-don't know what to say......thats all SO sad though.

We ended up apologizing and all that jazz. Not really sure what my motive was behind it all. Maybe he is right-maybe I called to pick a fight......maybe I DO miss it....maybe I am crazy-who knows?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

S&TM,

Now need you to sit down, take a few deep cleansing breathes and read carefully.

Your calls to your H were because your guts were telling you something wasn't right. Not sure why this is sooo strong with the BS' but I can tell you that a BS in some cases (not all the time) can almost tell when the WS is having s3x with the OP. WEIRD or what??!?!?? I ruined a few A nights with panic phone calls. Yep, I called at 2:30am - 5:30am in the morning a few times. WS had to keep his phone open because he was on call for work....so I let it ring and ring. LOL!!! A few times he actually picked up the phone and I heard someone moaning. At that time he was in the hotel with the OW and let me tell you that hurt. The WS even handed the phone to the OW because in my crazed state of mind, I thought I needed to give the OW a piece of my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Well I had also heard she was hard of hearing. With all that info, I thought I needed to yell so she could hear me. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When I think back, it was hilarious but the down I felt after left me in tears for hours and then I had to go through my morning rituals as if nothing happened. I remember I cried that morning all the way to work. I looked like my eyes were gonna pop out. It was horrible.

Later I learned I couldn't control their sex acts, how many, where or when.....eventually those anxiety attacks (times precisely with their acts) stopped. I learned not to care but took stock in the fact that I needed t/d what it took NOT to allow the A to make my day worse. If that meant NOT calling the WS when I was down, then I didn't. That took a while to gee through my thick skull but it did. A few loving MBers sent their 2x4 my way and eventually it sunk in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It also made it easy to go to plan B. What I realized is that when I forced convo's with the WS for my needs, it was going to have bad consquences. I was not going to get desired results. So why set myself up to fail?

Nope, a good plan A followed by a solid plan B is less painful than calling the WS and asking for their support. WS' can't give support to the BS, not while they are a WS....... Do this make sense?

L.

S&TM,
Gosh, your story sounds familiar. I did the same thing early on in my mess. I also was trying to have a baby. We tried for 5 years and then this last year I was going to a fertility doc. and found out the whole time my WH was having an A. That HURT SO BAD!!!!! I know what you are going through. I think if my WH gets OW preg. I will lose it! That will just kill me!

Try and stay strong. It does get easier! We are all here to help asmuch as we can. You will survive!!!!!!

I said-thats not how you felt w/ me and he said "our situation was different".....who IS this person?? Mom, this statement came from the same handbook my FWH used. Disregard and don't take it so personally. This is NOT your H talking it is your WH. Sorry for these new developments. I don't mean to sound like I think you should take it lightly, I know how much it hurts. {{{SAD}}}

Hugs to you and your sweet children.

Oh Orchid-thank you SO much for all the help you always give me. Everything you said makes sense....for some reason I am preoccupied here lately w/ WH and OW doing "it". I don't know why.....but I am. Wh asked me why I thought about stuff like that-but I can't help it.

I know you are right-calling him and doing that just reinforces his leaving in his mind. He told me if I was wanting to push "us" farther apart I was doing a good job. Like I said before-I kow my marriage is over.....there is no way I could ever trust him again-so I don't know what is going on w/ me today.

Plan B for me is almost impossible as we have a special needs child so we are always going to appts together. meetings, etc. I wouldn't want left out of those things and I don't feel it is fair to leave him out-but other contact could be eliminated. If he would dissapear I feel as if I would do so much better-lol. And your right-there is NOTHING I can do about the 2 of them.....they are gonna do what they want to do....sigh

Anyway-thanks for your help-you always know the right things to say!

LOL treeriech...remember when you said that if your WH cheated on you, you would lose it then...I laugh because I said the same thing..and now look at me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OK, sad mom, what plan are you in? Plan A or Plan B? I know exactly how you feel about the pregnancy thing. I told my WH the SAME Thing...what if she gets pregnant? he said "she cant get pregnant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Guess what? She's due this month with his baby! SHOCK! ok, take a deep breath Sad! yes, it is true. I am dealing with it...I also cannot have anymroe children because WE as a couple decided not to hae anymore so I had a hysterectomy...long story...but there were othre medical problems as well!

I would suggest you go into Plan B if you are not already! I dont know much about your sit, but your WH sounds soooo much like mine. Hang in there SAd!

S&TM,

You can plan B even with children. It is harder but you can limit the contact subjects to the most important.

For me I limited it to: Mail, Money and Child Visitation. The rest, I choose NOT to discuss with him. The WS will see this as an attempt to control him and it is. So don't deny it. Then say it is also for the proctection of your family and that blows some of the steam out of his attempt to set you off.

You will learn how to better react to his stupid actions. Think about it. Plan B is for you not the WS. There is nothing you can do for the WS.

As a parent, A or no A, he is responsible for caring for his children. So that part s/b a given. He doesn't get out of the financial, emotional and moral obligations of being a father. It is his H state that is being plan B'd. ok?

L.

Thanks to everyone for replying and helping me. I know that some of the things he says are just stuff he tells himself to make it all SEEM ok to him. I know now we are through-we will probably file for divorce this spring. I think it hurts most b/c I had my tubes tied FOR him b/c we decided we were finished having children and 10 mths later he walks out the door.....and I would have had more children if it had been up to me. Granted-we do have a child w/ speical needs and we were afraid of that happening again....but still.....he just seems so cold and indifferent lately-like he doesn't care about anything anymore. It also hurts b/c she was MY friend first. I welcomed her in my home, I let her watch my children.....UGH-it makes me sick. She already has one child by a man that has never even seen his daughter.....

Oh well-this will pass and I will get through it. I worry the most about my children IF he has another child.....how will that affect them? Right now he sees them and loves them.....but what will happen when another baby is thrown in the mix. I know-I am getting WAY ahead of myself-no need to buy trouble.

Anyway-thanks guys for everything!!

Orchid-if you don't mind-can you link me to your first posts-your experiences and what happened to you so I can know your sitch. You are such an inspiration and I would like to read what you went through b/c it gives me hope. ALL of you are inspirations! I am still relatively new at the game-almost 5 mths.....

Hi guys-just wanted to say thanks again for the support and advice you all have given me. I have had a rough week-cried more this week than I have in a while....a lot of it has to do w/ hormones-gotta love those!

I realized last night that I wasletting satan do exactly what he planned to do by feeding me all these thoughts and making me worry about it so much. I was obsessing over things I have abolutely NO control over. I asked God to help me w/ that last night and I asked him to take all this and I am going to let him deal w/ it. I have no control over anything WH does or doesn't do-I need to realize that and just live the best life I can for me and my kids. That being said-it doesn't mean I am perfect this morning, but I am feeling a bit better.

Anyway-thanks guys!

Sad-and-tiredmom

Sad,

I'm glad that you're feeling a little better this morning. I've been following your story a little and am truly shocked and saddened that your H and your BstF could hurt you like that.

I wish you all the best <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

Thanks Charla-it helps to know there are people that cares and are thinking about me.

WH just called and told me he was sorry for yesterday. He told me he was sorry for everything (AGAIN) and he thanked me for being so good to him through this. He told me I deserved better and I would see one day he was no big loss. He was crying-I was crying......sigh. He said he hated to keep hurting me-he didn't want to hurt me anymore....he was tired of hurting me....

I just know I am so emotionally drained right now I can't hardly think anymore. I go back to my dr tomorrow and I may ask him to up my medicine....I think I need it-lol.

Thanks again!

S-A-TM