My husband and I are seeking counseling. Has anyone participated in the telephone counseling offered on the marriage builders website?

nichol,

I personally have not done the counselling though many others here have. I just hate to see a first post go unanswered. Are you dealing with infidelity in your M?

Yes. We have been married almost 8 years. The A began in July of 2004. He confessed to the A in mid September claiming he loved me and wanted to work on our marriage. That didn't last. The OW was willing to 'fight' for him. He moved out in mid October. He then called it off with her for two days on Christmas. Then went back to her. He called it off with her again on New Year's Eve and his last contact with her was on Jan. 11. He has moved back home and wants to see a counselor. We have both read His Needs/Her Needs and are now reading How to Survive an Affair. He wants to save the marriage but doesn't know how he can regain his feelings of love for me. I'm afraid this is a long road and I don't know if my heart can bear it.

Hi,

Welcome to MB. I have done phone counseling with Steve. It is certainly worth the time, effort and $$. It is expensive but then so are most in this line of work. See if your insurance covers MBs counselors.

Before you go for phone counseling, it is recommended you read the concept section above. Take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (both you and your spouse or you as both parties). Read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W Harley. If you are dealing with affair issues, also ready Surviving an Affair.

Then call MB. The phone # is listed in the above site under 'counsel'. When you do, they will ask what tools you have used here (as mentioned above).

Reading is vital to getting prepared. There are mentions of plans A & B, those are also tools to help your recovery personally and survive. Then if and when your xWS is willing to work on the M, then you will be in a stronger position to lend a hand or choose to move forward without the Xws. The choice w/b yours and you have better clarity to make the best choice for you and your family.

JMHO,
L.

Did u counsel individually or as a couple?

We did it as a couple. We already had an MC but he was far away.

I see you are dealing with an A (we were originally posting at the same time of my last post). MB will ask you to review that info and fill out the EN queationnaire, then send it to them for the review. Your first sessions will be an overview but with the prework done, it can also be a productive one.

If your H is the WS, I recommend Steve. Your H's moods as a Ws or Xws can still swing either way. He already knows he can come and go with little repurcussion. It is vital to get you up to par so you can firmly stand for your boundaries. Of course you need to identify them first. Counseling with Steve will help.

L.

Is your marriage in recovery now? I only ask because my husband doesn't have much faith in counseling. That is why I think we should counsel with Steve because my husband does agree with the principles in the book. He just wants everything to be fixed now. He said today he was upset because our attempts at our marriage are not working. I wouldn't say its not working but just that this is part of the process. Trying to change habits and adopt new 'principles' and 'rules' from Dr. Harley is tough work.

Yes our M is in recovery.

Brief recap:

d/d Nov 2000
OW claimed prego1 Nov 2000
WS moved out 12/31/00

I joined MB: Jan 2001
1st counseling session w/Steve: Jan 2001.

BS sent e-mail to OW asking for stop and desist Dec 2000. OW accused BS of being a lesbian, abusive mother, bad wife, having A w/FIL, etc.

WS asked for D: Jan 2001

Son went to ER for Asthma and same night WS went on vacation w/OW: Feb 2001

BS went on cruise and WS watched son: March 2001
BS delivered bag of WS dirty laundry to OW's front porch: March 2001

OW threatened to have BS fired from work.

WS asked to come home. March 2001

Supposed Xws came home: April 2001

WS moved back out on the street this time, Apr 2001.

WS moved back in May 2001

BS pregnant May 2001, miscarried end of June 2001.

OW claimed prego 2 in June 2001, each time w/o proof but this time she wanted $$ to cover her supposed medical bills (again w/o proof).

OW blamed BS for both miscarriages (wow - I hadn't even met her yet. - LOL!!).

BS finds contact between WS and OW, kicks WS out July 2001

WS gets angry and calls 911.

4 deputies come out and arrest WS for domestic violence (they say him push me into the house).

WS stays in local jail for 2 1/2 days then goes to live with OW for 7 days..... RO filed by sheriff against WS in behalf of family for 10 days.

WS last day of RO, WS calls up begging to come home. Says in front of OW that he can't get along with her and he is scared....OW is yelling in the background: "take him back L., take him back."

BS tells WS to stay there while she thinks about his request.

WS comes back......July 2001

Anniversary Aug 2001, OW calls up to say prego 3. Is she nuts or what? By this time, OW is about 46, never provided proof, never had a child before. Yet somehow she believes she is carrying a girl with her first pregancy back in Nov 2000 after only being pregnant for 8 weeks and no doctor check. Amazing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Xws tells OW to stop calling. She doesn't stop. Even calls me to tell me that I am not the Mrs. taht she is. I ask her where is her marriage license? Because I have one with my name on it.

I start to realize the OW is bored with the WS and has now turned her attention to making my life miserable. Yea it took me a while to figure this out but I did.

I set my boundaries: NO OWs in MY LIFE!!! Even if that means the Xws or WS needs to move out!

WS makes attempts to end A. A continues off and on for 2 more years. Each revelation earns him a trip to the curb. He sleeps in his truck. I do the walk into the D court.

I never file but meet with lawyers early on. I know my rights and angry that I would be held responsible to pay alimony should he file for it.

Finally Aug 2003, I go on vacation to visit my parents. OW sends me an e-mail full of babble saying how sorry she is my mother is DYING!!!! My mother is ill but very much alive. I realize their is contact again and inform WS he is not welcome to come on our family vacation. Supposedly at this time he has ended it again and true to form, I get a e-mail about how sexual he is with her. She even claims he is aware of her e-mail to me and approved it. I sent it to him anyway and do no respond to the OW. He was shocked and angry. Told me his side and we prepare for the worst.

Come back from vacation and the OW nut tries to have xws served in 2 different counties. Goes to court to file a bogus RO. Temp judge says her story is weak at best but grants the RO because he feels both parties should not be near each other. I was in court with the Xws at his request so I get to see the OW haul up her large binder of e-mails and tape recorder which she didn't get to play. Her testimony was filled with lies but there were no lawyers present. RO was filed and enforced. This helped the Xws have the incentive to see reality as we did.

Since then we have been in recovery. I still have my trigger moments and it is now H's (he earned back his title) responsbility to help me through them.

I used MB principals for me. H has benefitted as a result. His healing is up to him. I learned to do reverse babble and play back some of his stupid lines. He can't believe he even uttered some of those statements but knows I am not making it up.

He also realizes he is textbook classic as a WS and not 'special' like he originally told me.

Hope this helps.

L.

Hi AH,

Welcome to MB...I am sorry that you are going thru this situation, but I am glad that you found MB...you are among friends.

I have phone coached with SH at MB. It is terrific and I am glad that I did. After D-day, March 04, I tried to go it alone....read all on the web site, read MB books, did not tell a soul--family or friends that our M was in trouble. It all started to be more than I could handle so I reached out. Revealed to a friend who was so supportive, she told me I should tell my sister who was also on my support team....I tried for one more month to continue....but it started to fall apart again and that is when I called MB in May 04.

They are soooooooo nice there and I finally felt relief....I coached with SH first by myself because FWH was still fogged up...he was in contact even though he wrote NC letter. I have coached with him regularly since May. SH helped me through Plan A and B. SH asked me to invite FWH to join us, but FWH rejected everything to keep A going. When I went to Plan B and FWH got seriously about recovery and he coached with SH. It helped alot!!!!!!! As a part of our recovery plan, H and I made a commitment to 8 sessions, but have only completed 3 so far....I ran out of energy and am taking a break, but will resume our rebuilding.

It is really worth it....I did coaching by myself, I did coaching with H, I have done coaching while traveling, I have done coaching while H and I have been in different cities. I have even done coaching why sitting in my car, parked in a city street or in a parking garage...(I don't have an office so I had to do it this way to gain privacy.) All the while, SH was never bothered by the city noise, was generous with his time, provided me with an understanding of "why", ensured I understood what I needed to do, made me feel better and gave me hope, patience and guidance to continue the MB process.

The main point here is it is worth the time, effort and expense to recovery from this trajedy and to build a lifetime of good marriage habits. It helps the BS and the WS. I hope this info helps you. Keep faith in the process and may God watch over you. Take care of yourself. ss

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>