My H and I have had a rough couple weeks but there have been some real bittersweet moments as well. I had posted a few days ago about possibly going to plan B. At that time I was so beside myself I didn't know what to do.

I have decided that I really do love my H and I want to try my best to stick it out. I am trying so hard to understand his addiction / obsession with OW. I know he is trying really hard not to contact her but it really is an addiction, just like his alcohol addiction which he is also working on.
She is not responding to him. He's sent emails, text messages and and a few phone calls also. He thinks he is doing better, since he's gone from contacting her several times per day, down to only once per week or so.
I have talked to OW on a fairly regular basis myself and she also said she is not responding to him. She doesn't know what to do either, because she doesn't want to be mean. She knows that he has tons of problems and doesn't want to rock his boat and make it worse.
My H has said that he is in withdrawal (he's been browsing these boards so he knows the lingo).
I guess I thought he'd stop contacting her and THEN go through withdrawal. He feels he needs to stop at his own pace. I told him that he is going to make a fool of himself in front of her since she isn't responding anyway!!
In my mind, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel for us. Since he announced he needs to stop at his own pace, I see no light anymore. I told him that in my mind I do have a time frame.

He said he needs time to decide if he is going to go or stay. He is upset that if he doesn't make that choice soon I will make it for him by making him move out and filing for divorce.
Even if he chooses to go, he will not have OW anyway, as she has committed herself to her relationship with her longtime boyfriend and hopes to get married to him soon.

We really are getting a long great on a daily basis and he says the feelings for me are coming back. I feel the same for him, as there was a time when I thought I hated him, but that is another story in itself! Becuase of his recent actions and tenderness towards me, it seems to me that we really have a chance.
We haven't "gotten along" this good since very early in our marriage and then it just spiraled downhill from there. We were two very angry people and we both agree that it feels so different to be nice to each other. He is so afraid that we won't be able to keep it up. I am determined. We have a counseling appt together next week. The IC hasn't been working so well for either of us. My counselor tells me to get rid of him because of the *ss that he is. His counselor tells him that he should leave me since he is not sure what he wants.
We figured someone to talk to us both together would be much more beneficial.
I have my time frame set for about two months from now. (He does not know this.) Is two more months unreasonable for me to allow him to get over OW? My Dday was 12/6 so it has already been almost two months. thanks everyone!

There was an earlier post today which fit your situation somewhat. It was about withdrawal and how long it takes. Really bad for 3 - 4 weeks usually and then still somewhat for 6 months. If there is truly no contact between them and he is working through withdrawal, there is a great chance for recovery. Why would you give that up after 2 months? Slow down. Be patient. Wait and see.

Recovery with an active alcoholic is REALLY hard. Is your H in AA? Is he still drinking?

BrambleRose went through something similar, why not seek her out and ask for her help. She's had some health problems, but she still comes to MB infrequently.

She ALWAYS gives good advice.

Good luck.

Pep

What kind of C do you have? Take your time. Don't make any rash choices. If you love him show him. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? If not go to the library and get it. I have the same problem with my W and I convinced her to read it with me and talk about our feelings and needs. It's working for us. I thought C's were supose to help save the marriage. Not just throw it away. I understand your pain and feel for you but please don't make a emotional desition. If needed get a second opinion(new C). I really wish the best for you and your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There was an earlier post today which fit your situation somewhat. It was about withdrawal and how long it takes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks Starz, I will check out that post. I usually go over these boards with a fine tooth comb every day but didnt get the chance today.

Pepperband, yes he is in AA but still drinking. Gave up the hard stuff a few months ago but drinks wine or 2-3 beers about 3 times per week. He hasn't been drunk in quite awhile. His AA counselor told him that what is important is the DESIRE to quit, which is what keeps him going to the meetings. He feels that helps him keep it under control. I know that he would need to quit completely though. Been through all of that with my dad, so I am very familiar!! I will check out Bramblerose. thanks for that info.

RHMike, yes I'm starting to wonder what kind of counselors we have too. Neither of ours seem too willing to help us save our marriage. Every time I go to see mine, I come home so angry and take it out on my H. And usually he hadn't even done anything new that was wrong. It was just old stuff hashed up again.
I want to read His Needs Her Needs. I have heard great things about that book. I am currently reading Surviving an Affair. It does help me to understand this whole process with him getting over OW. I just want to fix it NOW but I know that it will take time.
I hope that the counselor that we will see together next week will be willing to help us both. In our case, IC was not the best idea I guess. thanks to all of you for your replies. It is much appreciated!!

I just have a couple more questions in regards to this.
We have been much closer lately, as I stated in the first post in this thread. Both of us have been doing little things like hugs that were non-existent before. We hold each other every night before we go to sleep. It is so wonderful.
I do feel that he has backed off from me a little bit though since we started doing this. He still reaches out to me but not like he did even a couple weeks ago.
I just don't want to smother him and push him away. Last night we were laying in bed and I was kind of rubbing his arm and it dawned on me that maybe he didn't like that, ya know, like maybe I was rubbing his skin off or something. I asked him if that was getting annoying and he said yes. He never told me though, he just kept letting me do it until I asked.
I know that he knows I can erupt into a ball of tears so easily these day, sometimes for no reason. Where is the fine line?
I do admit I am needy right now. I want to pour on my love in hopes that it well help him to get over her. Yet I don't want to drive him away from somthering him too much. Where is the fine line here?
Does that make any sense at all?

bump
re-posting my last question on this thread. (no need to read the entire thread.) Anyone have any insight as to where the fine line is? See below:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just have a couple more questions in regards to this.
We have been much closer lately, as I stated in the first post in this thread. Both of us have been doing little things like hugs that were non-existent before. We hold each other every night before we go to sleep. It is so wonderful.
I do feel that he has backed off from me a little bit though since we started doing this. He still reaches out to me but not like he did even a couple weeks ago.
I just don't want to smother him and push him away. Last night we were laying in bed and I was kind of rubbing his arm and it dawned on me that maybe he didn't like that, ya know, like maybe I was rubbing his skin off or something. I asked him if that was getting annoying and he said yes. He never told me though, he just kept letting me do it until I asked.
I know that he knows I can erupt into a ball of tears so easily these day, sometimes for no reason. Where is the fine line?
I do admit I am needy right now. I want to pour on my love in hopes that it well help him to get over her. Yet I don't want to drive him away from somthering him too much. Where is the fine line here?
Does that make any sense at all?
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