Me and WH were in a separated plan A, and his A continued emotionally only. Yesterday, the BF of the OW called me to expose, and I told him way more than he ever dreamed was going on. My WH had told me about the A from the beginning, but OW had lied about many, many things to my WH. (We both talked with OW and her BF on phone, all betrayed parties were able to hear conversation) WH is devastated and hurt(his feelings were "genuine", and she was stringing him along, she was still lying to protect her R with her BF)....we know how that feels!! Here's the question:

I know there's withdrawl he needs to go through before he is ready to committ back to our marriage. However, we talked for hours last night, slept in the same bed (after several months with him on the couch or out of the house), and I even received my first "real" kiss in a long, long time. He still says he can't make promises for the future because he doesn't ever want to hurt me again (he's still not certain he's "in love" with me). I'm fairly certain this is part of the process he's going through, but any ideas how long, generaly, this lasts?

I know I need to be patient, but I have been waiting for this moment for what seems like forever.

Thanks!

-Christine

I am right there with you. My WH just ended A two weeks ago. The withdrawal is tormenting. The A was confessed to in September. My WH is not sure about the whole 'in love' thing either.

I will tell you that Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, says the most severe withdrwal symptons last 3 to 4 weeks. However, that withdrawal doesn't completely die for six months. Let me tell you that seems like an eternity in vain. I am trying to apply all of Dr. Harley's principles and rules and it is TUFF!

Just don't grow weary and give it all you've got.

During withdrawl be gentle and available when requested, but not overly attentive. Listen more than speak.

You cannot speed anything up with your desire to get it over with.

You can de-stress the home environment.
You can be generous with your kindness.
You cannot expect much from him in return for about 3 weeks.
Cook comfort foods.
Give neck rubs.
Bake chocolate chip cookies ... the smell is very nice and it reminds everyone of home.

Pep

My H's withdrawal lasted a very long time. I would have to say I noticed improvement within three months, but he was not totally over OW for six months.

Of course, my H went back to OW after my first Plan B - it's failure was mainly my fault, I was too accomodating. But when the A finally ended, for good, it took H six months.

You're getting good advice from the others. Be patient even though it's tough, in the end you will be rewarded for it, one way or another.


Good luck.

T

Thanks, all. It is hard. Last night he took back all the "promising" things he had said the night before, because he said he was hurting when he said them (I never want to lose you, let's try to fix us, I will try to make this up to you, I probably won't be moving out in March). He still says that the A had nothing to do with his loss of feelings for me, he can't make promises for the future, and he can't be sure he won't hurt me again.

I guess I need to ignore those words for now, even though they hurt. I am trying to be there for him....made him an appointment for a massage on Wednesday night. Problem is, he still keeps saying he should stay at his sister's house, so he can think in peace and quiet....although the last 2 nights he's slept with me (Sunday night had SF, but last night just sleep).

I pray everyday for his eyes and heart to be opened.

All this is still "normal" though??

-Christine

^

Not sure what's really going on now. WH spent Sunday and Monday nights here (in same bed), but spent last night on his sisters couch and tonight he'll be here but said we'd sleep apart. Last night we talked for 2 hours almost soley about him trying to describe the lost feelings for me. He seems so sincere and genuinely at a loss to explain how it feels. Here are some of the highlights:

1) he's had the loss of feelings for almost 3 years, and has tried desparately to regain the "in love" feeling
2) I am his best friend, and he doesn't want to lose that
3) he had made a mental pro and con list, it was heavy on the pros and only 2 on the cons (he didn't list them, based on our talks I would say 1 was lack of "excitement", and the other would be that I am too passive {although that's on the pro list also but in certain areas})
4) he's never met/known/dated any one with all the desireable traits I have, said I was 90% and it would take several individuals to make up the characteristics I have (even said I was up there with Nelson Mendela....whatever that's supposed to mean), he knows it's more than enough for a "perfect match" if it weren't for that "missing feeling"
5) he doesn't want me with other men, and not because he's jelous, I am too nice and men would take advantage or hurt me
6) he repeated many times he didn't want to hurt me
7) swears his lost feelings were before OW and A, but it distracted him from what he was supposed to be deciding (which he's now going to focus on)
8) he actually said he's on the fence with staying or going (he would resolve to stay and "settle" with the lost love, stay and the feelings might come back (although once he loses feelings for someone they don't always come back), or walk away

MIL and SIL swear it bull$#*!, neither one believes he felt this way prior to A. SIL is xWW and her marriage stayed in tact, she's talked with me and gave me her input on a lot of fog-talk, my WH will not talk with her about it. I'm too emotionally stuck to think it's babble or true loss of feelings.

He doesn't talk about OW or his feelings since the Sunday incident, says he made a mistake staying the night and saying what he did. This is his fault and he'll deal with his emotions and the end of A. Despite our talk and his revelation about all the lies she told him, I am not 100% that it's over. Afterall, they still work together. He's considering another job offer as well as his current employers offer to make him a VP. Knowing who he was before all this, I know he would never have anything to do with her again.....but I don't know WH at all. He's so smitten by her, could he overlook the deceit and move forward anyway? Besides that, OW's boyfriend just went to basic, so he's in Georgia for 3 months before he gets stationed. WH knows that BF said he would call me for updates or reasurance. WH had been honest with all this from the start, would he just hide it now?

Help......I feel lost in the fog!!!!!!!!!!!!


-Christine

A quick start guide about WITHDRAWAL

Hope this can help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

MCB, Suzet's post is a magnificent resource,STUDY it. And please believe us when we say that withdrawal is a painful phase but a positive step in recovery !

My own FWW ( Squid) was at her most spiteful and depressive during withdrawal. I found it very crucial to detach emotionally from her while I focussed on continuing the plan A 'lighthouse' behaviours.

Like Squid your WH is circling right now, helplessly trying to find somewhere safe to land. He hurts SO badly, but soon he will see your lighthouse behaviours out of the corner of his mind's eye and will see that youl ight a path to a loving, supportive, non-judgmental place where he can crashland and burn up his pain.

This will most likely be hard on you - heck, its hard on all loving BS, but your WH will have NEVER needed you as much as he does now.

And ignore everything he says ( good AND bad) - he is incapable of honesty right now, and his 'i don't love you' stuff is copybook fog babble.

Study the dynamics of affairs, keep yourself happy and do not take anything he says ( bad OR good) too personally until the worst withdrawal symptoms start to ease. With Squid this took 3-4 months. Know that we're doing pretty well in recovery but I still see some withdrawal fog from time to time.

Be patient, detach a little and celebrate your first major victory in your war against the demon infidelity !

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 03:22 AM: Message edited by: b0b pure* ]</small>

Suzet-

Thank you for the thread, it helps. One question for you though....you still work in same company as former OP? Was that harder for you to go through withdrawl? I ask because WH still works with OW, and he doen't talk about it since his "awakening". I am so fearful of him backsliding, but just keeping it secret from me this time.

Bob-

I am trying what you've said....it's so hard, I want to be there more for him than he allows. Last night he asked for a scratch, and I more than willingly complied. He doesn't stay home every night, still goes to his sisters house a lot of nights. He asked me if he could come back anytime for a scratch, and I said of course, but then kept asking me why I would do that. The only response I gave was "why wouldn't I?"

Also wanted to add my love for your signature quote. I borrowed it to add to my AOL profile, which is completely inspirational quotes, snipits, and expressions. You should check it out sometime.....mommycbaby@aol.com

Thanks for reaching out to me, I was begining to feel like nothing was going to help. I still pray!!

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>you still work in same company as former OP? Was that harder for you to go through withdrawl?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MommyCBaby, yes I still work at the same company as XOM. I bump in him every now and then. Yes, it was definitely much harder to go through withdrawal because of this. Although I’m recovered now, I know my withdrawal and recovery would have been so much faster if working at the same company wasn’t the case.

Suzet

Arg!! Part of my problem is the trust. I want so desperately to trust him (like I said, as hard and painful as it was for both of us, I knew about A from almost day 1), but they work in a small office environment. I hope she leaves town to be with her BF or my WH takes the position he interviewed for earlier in the week. Many people tell me this will never end until there's complete NC......I am in no position to demand anything because he's told me it's over and he's dealing with it. If I burden him with my concerns, it's not giving him the space for his withdrawl.

Am I making any sense?

-Christine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

^bump^

Anyone have more thoughts?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>they work in a small office environment.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MommyCBaby, does this mean that your H and OW works in the same office and still see & talk to each other every day? If this is the case he needs to get away and find another job ASAP – you have all the right in the world to demand that. Your H won’t be able to get through withdrawal and start recovery if he sees and talks to OW at work every single day! The same goes for you. You and your M can’t recover if there is continuous contact going on between them. However, while your H is still working with her and until he/she can find another job, the following thread will be helpful: Guidelines: How to do NC at work. Hope this can also help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

Suzet is 110% right.....

I exposed the a to my wife in august and she swore on her children that their will be no contact...She worked with one of the men...she had an a with 2 men at the same time.....

the co-worker worked in another building but their job is to pass updates to each other..
Big mistake, that caused her tray the NC and just founbd last week their are at it again and she went with the OM too....

She has change from August, more sex, she kisses me now and she says she still loves me..but she still with them.....

Suzet is right their must be no contact....

best wishes..

I know that's what needs to happen. I just have no power to do it. He's still maintaining that he doesn't know if he even wants to work on the M. WH is considering a new job offer, hopefully he'll accept that. Tough part is current employer offered a VP position (his personal goal was to be VP by 45, he's only 37)....as with me, he's on the fence!! I can also hold out for OW going off to be with military BF as soon as possible.

I will hope and pray, and plan A myself to death in the mean time.

Thank you for the encouraging words!!

-Christine