Unfortunately, this is the situation I find myself in. My H has had several affairs and has moved out twice but has been back home for over three years.

Our recovery has not gone well. Understatement of the year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There is a huge lack of accountability and respect. There has been no physical intimacy in over a year. There are lots of control issues and a huge departure from the faith we once shared.

As a result of all of this, there have been a couple of occasions where I've told my H that I think it best that we separate. This is SO difficult as I still love him and wish we could make it work. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyhow, H has flatly refused to leave. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We have three young girls. I'm financially dependent on him and I recognize he has every legal right to be here.

Just wondering if anyone has been through this or has suggestions about what you would do. Thanks in advance for any help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Leah2be:
<strong> Unfortunately, this is the situation I find myself in. My H has had several affairs and has moved out twice but has been back home for over three years.

Our recovery has not gone well. Understatement of the year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There is a huge lack of accountability and respect. There has been no physical intimacy in over a year. There are lots of control issues and a huge departure from the faith we once shared.

As a result of all of this, there have been a couple of occasions where I've told my H that I think it best that we separate. This is SO difficult as I still love him and wish we could make it work. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyhow, H has flatly refused to leave. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We have three young girls. I'm financially dependent on him and I recognize he has every legal right to be here.

Just wondering if anyone has been through this or has suggestions about what you would do. Thanks in advance for any help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like AT THE VERY LEAST you should get some legal advice about what options you may have. People mean well on this board, but opinions from here should NEVER be a substitute for good, sound professional advice. I realize that I did not answer your question (I don't have any experiences with your type of situation), but I will reiterate that you and your children's well being would be better served by getting an experts opinion (lawyer) on what you can do to make the situation more "liveable" for you and your children.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


LM

Leah,

LM is correct. Legal advice s/b obtained from the correct source. Check out the women's abuse hotline and groups in your area. Though you are not dealing with physical abuse, there probably are events of mental and emotional abuse taking its toll on you and the children.

Get ahold of the books: Love must be tough (Dr James Dobson), Harley's books: Surviving an Affair, Giver/Taker and His needs/Her needs. Leave them lying around the bedroom. Enough for him to see. YOu need to read them.

If you can, schedule some phone counseling with Steve @ MB.

This is not an impossible situation to handle. But it w/b a challenge.

Sorry you are dealing with this. He probably doesn't want to be treated disrespectfully, right? Well you deserve to be treated properly also.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Lemonman and Orchid,

I agree I need legal counsel and have already obtained that in the past. The sad part is that the attorney said, "Don't leave" and also there weren't any grounds for having him leave. He is not physically abusive. That's why the situation is so tricky.

Orchid, I have read the books you mentioned. They are good. Yes, we both want to be treated with respect. So, how does one respectfully get another to leave? No easy solution.

Thanks for your suggestions.

you didnt mention why he wont leave. i have somewhat of the same problem, but my wh says its because he doesnt want a divorce or to be with anyone else, but he still wont give up his ow. he tells me he did though.

L,

I'd probably do an inhouse separation.

Make sure than H isn't getting his needs filled by me [move into another bedroom, don't do his laundry..basically just co-exist] and just move on with life as though he was not there aside from detached politeness that is a must for all who share space.

This probably will be a motivator for him..either to get serious about fixing the marriage..or get serious about leaving it.

The question is..can you wait him out?

Noodle

Let him know if you don't feel emtionally safe. It isn't about 'love' (most misused word in the world). It is about feeling safe.

BTW, emotional abuse c/b as traumatic as physical but physical is what the police can enact on. Emotional is too dangerous (no solid proof for the most part).

Think about it and let us know.

L.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our recovery has not gone well. Understatement of the year. [Roll Eyes] There is a huge lack of accountability and respect. There has been no physical intimacy in over a year. There are lots of control issues and a huge departure from the faith we once shared.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you don't mind my asking a couple of questions. You see, I had an affair about 4 years ago, was confronted, got out of it, and have tried to mend things with my wife. But I wonder if some of the problems we're having (she's in the middle of a huge PA right now) have to do with what you brought up.

How would you like to see your husband show you accountability? How about respect? My wife says I don't respect her at all (of course, she's covered in fog right now) - how could he show you respect in such a way that you would believe him? I wwould like to know if maybe these have been some of the things that have caused my wife to look elsewhere for love....

David