Greetings,

I have been with my wife for almost seven years (1.5 married). Throughout our relationship we have had problems in the sex department. Mainly, I want, she doesn't. Early in our relationship I had an affair, very short lived, done and over within the first 6 months of us being together. Since then we have still had intimacy problems. I have struggled with and addiction to pornography, but have worked hard to overcome, most recently I have been abstinent for several months. My wife clearly states that she has little desire for sex. It is not about "me" just that her desire is much less then mine. I've come to a point where I won't cheat on her, won't use porn, and yet still I have no sex life with my wife. She makes zero effort to initiate, it only happens if I make contact first. I am struggling because I am a christian and want to believe that there is more to marriage then just "sex" but don't believe that our current situation is good either. Looking for advice and comment

Ask if she can see her GYN. Some women have low drives and there are some treatments the doctors can use.

Also please read His Needs/Her Needs.....one thing is that women's makeup often makes a woman want t/b desired, many like foreplay or t/b talked into s3x.

Communication b4 s3x is just as important as the act itself for some women.

JMHO,
L.

David, I was in your wife's position once so let me lend you my perspective.

one month after my husband and I married, he had to go away for a summer for work. I don't know *why*, but for some reason I looked at yahoo personal ads for the area he was working in..and what did I find but an ad from what I thought to be him. I made up a name and started conversing with him...and found out that it was in fact him. The day he agreed to meet this identity in person, was the day our marriage really fell apart. I would not talk to him for the rest of the summer until he came home. I told him I wanted a divorce but that he would let me finish school first.

Eventually he took some steps without my prompting (like going to a Sexual Additions Support Group) that thawed me out and I agreed to stay and work on our marriage.

but he never really made me feel safe. He was not an "open book". He was not secretive, but he never made me feel like it wouldn't happen again. I began to lose all desire for sex. I MISSED the sex and knew this was a bad path to be going down. I begged him to initiate because I knew it was important. I was still attracted to him, but I just lost my libido.

Finally I started to really trust him again. Not because of anything he did, but because so much time had passed since that first thing and nothing bad happened. And what happened when I trusted my husband again? He went and had a short, but full-blown affair and now we're separated and most likely headed for divorce.

So let me ask you this. What concrete steps have you taken in order for you wife to let down her walls and trust you again?

it could be that you've done everythng in the world and she's just not responding. It could be that you haven't done the right things. That's why I'm asking.

I am glad you are here at MB trying to find the answers before you make another bad choice.

Hi, David.

There are sometimes valid physical reasons for low libido in a male or female. In the majority of cases where a couple's sexual relationship has gone awry, it is rare that physical function is causative. The lack of sex in a relationship is usually an indicator that the relationship itself has problems.

From my observations, resentment is the leading slayer of libido. It sounds like your wife has a lot of fuel for resentment.

If you can get your wife to a pro-marriage counselor, that would be a good start.

Have you read any of the books highlighted on this site? If not, that would be a good place to start.

Regardless, of what tact you take, calm conversations with your wife about how the lack of sex is affecting you is a good start. Once you have told her how badly the rejection is hurting you, be prepared to listen to her about her issues with you. Don't dismiss what she tells you.

All the best,
Gimble
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-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.