Yup, that's right, called her on Friday at work. I was home with the kids. He said I had been calling him and even sent him a text msg, which is complete BS. He even told her that he would bring it to her, which I immediately saw as an attempt to see her. I haven't called that SOB in months, but she believes him, not me. Swears, up down, backwards and forward, she has not seen him, called him or talked to him but the 3 times he has called since she changed #s.

Then over the course of the weekend, she starts talking about seperation. When I rotate back to the states (we live in Italy, I am in the Navy) she will keep her job teaching and stay here with my kids. I was floored, we had always said we can't move fwd here, we need to move back to the US, and start counseling. I was pretty pissed, and at the end of the arguement, she agreed to our original agreement.

Said she still loves OM. He pretty much ended thier A, and "returned" to his family. She is still hurt, and when OM calls, totally messes her up. Said she cares for me, but thinks I will never be able to move past this, and doesn't like the fact that my opinion is lower of her. Cares what I think of her. She believes that the OM did "love" her, but I think she is telling herself that, what woman wants to admit to herself that a man may have used her? I know part of her beleives this, and that hurts also.

Plus, I have my own issues. I have devolped a drinking problem, and there is virtually no help here, and in the military, treatment can hurt your career. Just the way it is, it sucks. Plus, I have not always been in a good Plan A, spend too much time snooping and checking up. I believe now that she has been honest with me. All my checking up has taken a toll on her, feels trapped, then fells used when I want SF. Says I am only staying for the kids, which is untrue. I loved her once, not sure if I still do, but know that those feelings can return if we can get a plan in place to heal.

Guess this is just a rant...

Okay believer

Vent away

I am quite new D-DAy 09/04

Quote
Plus, I have not always been in a good Plan A, spend too much time snooping and checking up

I am a need to know person so i to do too much of the above but it helps me ( sometimes it kills me). But i feel i need to know what is going on.

Withdrawal

YOur WW has had a set back.

You love her you start again.

One step at a time.

Now the alcohol.

Every time you feel like a drink think of it as the OM.

He is controlling you.

He is telling you drink.

Hey since when did you make him in charge.

To WW think if i cant say anything nice i wont say anything at all.

Play with your kids.

One minute at a time.

Build on this, keep time, you dont have to rush it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Said she still loves OM. He pretty much ended thier A, and "returned" to his family. She is still hurt, and when OM calls, totally messes her up. Said she cares for me, but thinks I will never be able to move past this, and doesn't like the fact that my opinion is lower of her. Cares what I think of her. She believes that the OM did "love" her, but I think she is telling herself that, what woman wants to admit to herself that a man may have used her? I know part of her beleives this, and that hurts also.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Betrayed, your W is still fogged, I don't know your time line, but in time with NC in place she will lose her feelings for OM and realize it wasn't a love A.

I'm at the place in my recovery that I can tell you, I used OM, he also used me, I never was in love with him, and what he feels towards me today should be nothing pleasant and I don't care one bit. I'm indifferent to him.

Is there anybody you can expose him to. He is breaking NC, has your W sent him a NC letter? Your boundaries should be set, and you should be acting on his breech of NC. Expose him, change your W's # again. How is he getting it???

This is not the time (is it ever) to be taking up drinking. It is not appealing, and it will only cause you harm. This is the time for you to be your W's lighthouse, you can not do this while you are impaired. This is your time to take control and save your W from herself, guide her back to you. You can not do this by drinking.

Your W needs to figure out why she had this A. She is right you can not move past it, when NC is being broke. She needs to examine herself and make self improvements.

Best of luck
KY

Thanks for replying. Good suggestions. Couple of things to clear up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there anybody you can expose him to. He is breaking NC, has your W sent him a NC letter? Your boundaries should be set, and you should be acting on his breech of NC. Expose him, change your W's # again. How is he getting it???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He used to work on the base where we living in housing. He now works across town. There was no NC letter sent, b/c he is Italian, the only way to get it to him would be to hand deliver. And if I see the SOB, I will beat him to an inch of his life, W knows this. We do not have an address to mail it to. He is getting her new # from the cell phone company, he has family that work for them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W needs to figure out why she had this A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can answer that, we drifted apart. There were problems before, I could tell there was distance. Part of the problem is that we move so much, W gets moody and angry right after a move, especially right after she leaves a really close friend. I think another factor is that about 2 months before she met OM, a REALLY close friend moved back to the States, and there was a huge "friend-void". I try to meet her need for conversation (her #1) but she really needs that female companionship, which, I'm sorry, I can't meet.

Betrayed,

I have a pretty big need for conversation myself. To be quite honest my H doesn't 100% fill that need, we have a mutual friend that I can talk to for HOURS because of the interests we share in common. My H and I talk but we don't get into depth with our talking. Do you know the type of conversation your W needs?

Get rid of the cellphone. Get rid of it. Get a new one in someone else's name. or dont get one at all. What did we all do before we had cellphones??

If that is the only way he can contact her, then the cellphone goes.

In His arms.

Absolutely, get rid of the phone. NC means no contact, by any means.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can answer that, we drifted apart. There were problems before, I could tell there was distance. Part of the problem is that we move so much, W gets moody and angry right after a move, especially right after she leaves a really close friend. I think another factor is that about 2 months before she met OM, a REALLY close friend moved back to the States, and there was a huge "friend-void". I try to meet her need for conversation (her #1) but she really needs that female companionship, which, I'm sorry, I can't meet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, this was the state of your M before the A, but not the reason why she chose the A.

I was a conflict avoider - I did not tell my H I was unhappy, I did not tell him, I'm finding myself attracted to OM.

I was a people pleaser, couldn't say NO - I didn't tell OM leave me alone, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I was worried about what he thought of me.

I had low self esteem - OM schmoozed me and built me up, he was feeding my esteem

That is what I mean by her needing to figure out why she had an A. She chose it for herself because of things she was lacking. Self worth, insignificance.

Is there anybody who knows him that could hand deliever it for you???? A NC letter would be really good.

You can chat with her, and that is great that you are trying to meet her need. Keep up the good work.

KY

Switch phones. You carry her's and she carries yours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Thanks for all the replies. I am just going to leave the phone thing alone for now. After this past weekend, I do not see it as an issue, my W needs to rebuild my trust, and with her admitting right away that OM called, tells me she is trying.

We can't swap phones b/c my phone is bought and paid for by Uncle Sam, and rings constantly, # is on my business cards. Besides, I would not want to try to explain why my wife is carrying my phone to my boss when he calls. Big LB for W is for anyone to know she had an A.