I've been married for almost 10 years and have 3 beautiful children. A few years ago I had an affair. My husband doesn't know. The affair has since ended because I decided I really wanted my marriage to work. Since then, things have gotten better. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness and feel peace about that. My question is: do I have to tell my husband? Sometimes I really feel like I should, then I wonder if it's Satan just trying to mess things up again.

Please help me. I want what's right.

Hello,

I have a simple question for you. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know and wouldn't you respect your husband for being honest with you? Either you have honesty in your marriage or you don't. The fact that you have not told him means you are still disrespecting him and your marriage. This is like a cancer in your marriage that will destroy the foundations of your marriage. Withholding this information from your husband is cruel to him. He has a right to know this and I think you agree also. Again if the roles were reversed I am sure you would want to know the truth. Either you have truth in your marriage or deceit. The choice is yours. Do the right thing.

I've tried to think about that. I'm just so afraid. I'd like to think that if the roles were reversed, that I'd be able to move on, knowing that everything had stopped. But then I think I only think that way because I'm the one who actually did it. Part of me wishes he'd have one too...then we'd be even.

Hi,

Think long and hard before you make a decision. Read the concepts here and, dare I say it, other places too. No one has the “truth” here; we all have our opinions and prejudices. Read some posts from Betrayed Spouses (BS) and “feel” what they are saying. Imagine all that intensity directed at you . . . imagine being a single parent if your spouse chooses to divorce you . . . imagine you two dealing with this past affair and having a stronger marriage. Every one of these events has taken place here in the stories you can read.

What do you wish to accomplish by confessing? To ease you conscience? If that is it then I would seek out a priest, they are good at that sort of stuff. If you think that your husband needs this information to decide if he wants to remain married to an adulteress, then you know what you will have to do. There are no easy answers . . . regardless of the mantra that will be preached at you by some of the converted.

I personally would want to know, I guess, maybe.

Hello again,

I suggest that you write a letter to your husband explaining everything and showing your remorse. Ask him to read the letter fully while you sit with him and then allow him to ask you questions.
There are consequences to your actions and this is one of them. If you truly love him you will be honest with him so he can properly start the process of recovery. In addition, he will understand how why all of this happened. I know that you are scared but again I must ask you do you want to have a marriage based on honesty and respect or a marriage based on lies and deceit? It is time for you to be an honest person. Don't you agree? If you truly love your husband then give him the gift of truth and honesty. I wish you luck.

I would want to know.

There's a recent post in here somewhere where the BS discovered the affair 5 years later and was still crushed. How will your H feel if he discovers the A by accident? Even years later it hurts as if it happened yesterday.

C

Dear Kansaswife,
I am sorry you are hurting. I strongly suggest that you seek the advice of a professional. I do not believe there is a simple answer to your question. It's obvious you are troubled but that does not necessarily mean exposure will relieve your pain. Again, please talk with a professional.

IMHO honesty is the only way to go. I, myself, would want to know. But another thing I wonder is how much does living with this guilt currently, affect how much you're able to put into the marriage? Would you be able to give and accept more if you were freed of guilt? I think so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kansaswife:
<strong> My question is: do I have to tell my husband? Sometimes I really feel like I should, then I wonder if it's Satan just trying to mess things up again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since you asked from a "religous" perspective, let's look at one more thing. Satan sits down to dinner, one plate is filled with "openess, honesty, willingness and humility" and the other plate is filled with "lies, deciet, and guilt", which plate do you think he'll eat from?

Thank you all for your words and advice. I'm still torn and sick to my stomach about what I should do. I've written a letter to my H, I don't know when I'll have the nerve to give it to him, if ever. Most of the time I don't even think about the OM or the A but H and I are in a small group and we just started going through the book HNHN. After reading the first chapter, I've just been sick.

I've been reading many of the posts and am feeling more and more in the minority. Most of the time it's the H that has the A. I'm just a big screw up...just like my dad. I said I'd never be like him. Never say never, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kansaswife:
<strong> Thank you all for your words and advice. I'm still torn and sick to my stomach about what I should do. I've written a letter to my H, I don't know when I'll have the nerve to give it to him, if ever. Most of the time I don't even think about the OM or the A but H and I are in a small group and we just started going through the book HNHN. After reading the first chapter, I've just been sick.

I've been reading many of the posts and am feeling more and more in the minority. Most of the time it's the H that has the A. I'm just a big screw up...just like my dad. I said I'd never be like him. Never say never, right? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first thing to do is calm down. If you are 'sick' from the stress of the decision, then do nothing until you have a clear, and I mean crystal clear, mind to work with. Making emotional decisions about such a serious issue is a mistake for sure.

Get other opinions and find out WHY people believe as they do. Do NOT just accept anyone's 'religious' view. You check in with God and find out for yourself.

There are no one-size-fits-all answers to your question. Anyone that offers you that type of answer, should have their answer politely discarded.

Do consider professional help before you do anything.

I wish you all the best with your decision

Gimble..

Hi again.

Married women are having affairs at close to the same rate as men. The majority of posters here are female and are the BS . . . most men don't do these type of marriage discussions.

Stop beating yourself up. You made some bad decisions. We all have. I had an affair. It was stupid, I don't like doing stupid things. I came here to try to learn a little about why these things happen. I stayed because . . . people here have helped me realize that I am not a horrible person; I just did a horrible thing. I think I need to make new people aware of that too.

You just being here says a lot about you ya know that don't you? This will get better . . . it really will.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm just a big screw up...just like my dad. I said I'd never be like him. Never say never, right? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hey now...Read this to yourself, and then read what LostHusband said to you:

"But another thing I wonder is how much does living with this guilt currently, affect how much you're able to put into the marriage? Would you be able to give and accept more if you were freed of guilt? I think so.

kansaswife, do you think that just maybe God put this book (HN/HN) into your hands for a reason? God has a plan, there are no accidents. Lisen to what He is saying to you...I believe that deep down inside you know.

I know you are afraid that if you tell your H it could destroy your marriage. But what if what you're holding inside is silently destroying it already? Maybe God is trying to show you how to put a stop to it before it does become too late.
You will have consequences to face, there is no doubt about that. But right now you are just putting off the inevitable. It's like holding down a beach ball - eventually it will pop up - it will slip out of your grip, it's slippery. But it's very possible that the consequences, though painful, will be short term and lead to growth and blessings in your lives, versus if you continue down the path you're on, their could be destruction in the end.
(((((((((kansaswife)))))))))))

PS - Have you considered confiding in someone trustworthy - say the woman who helps lead your small group and ask her for prayer, support and accountability in doing this?

on one hand i would want to know...on the other i wouldnt....lies and deceit can eat you up but so can the truth in this instance....you have come clean with you and god....all the opinions in here are to help...are you ready to face divorce....i am not sure i would come clean but i am not you...i came clean with an attempted affair and i am much worse off because of it and it is getting worse...all because i came clean and trusted her word after that

ka mechanic

kansas,

I am a FWW. My A was over nearly 8 years ago. My H just found out about it about 2.5 months ago by a third party. I am providing you a link to my thread on the in recovery board from when my H found out. This may help you with your decision. Just know from my own personal experience that the weight of the deceit and the parts of myself I had to keep hidden from my H nearly killed the intimacy in our M. I was baptized a couple years after the A but never truly felt God's forgiveness nor forgave myself until my H knew the truth. We are now in recovery and MC.

Big hugs to you, it is a tough place to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Here is the link: FF's thread

Kansas,

You have been getting some good advice. I would really like to second Gimble's advice. Don't do anything until you are sure of your direction. You may not be sure of the results but I think as your group goes through HNHN you will see things more clearly.

Several people have mentioned that a secret between an H and W will adversely affect a marriage. A long time ago there was a poster here named Jill. She came asking the same question as she was in your situation. She spent over a year here worrying and talking about it and finally an event came and she decided to tell her H. You can look up her posts in the archives section of this site.

The point is that she realized that this secret was eating her up, and she was having to build higher and higher walls to protect the secret, and "protect" her H. The problem was that the walls separated them. There were topics that she could not go near, films she could not see, and she withdrew from him.

Given that you are here, and what you have posted I am guessing that a similar thing is happening to you. If you don't tell you will have to build a higher wall.

So first you need to decide if telling is your course of action, and then comes the issue of how to tell him. Some have been concerned for the BS's reaction and have had a third person in the room. Some have decided to do it with a counselor present to sort of mediate the immediate reactions. Some have given their spouse a letter and then waited to talk with them. Some have told them face to face.

There are many ways to do this. I agree with others that you will probably come to the point that you must tell, given where you are now. I also think it is the only "fair" thing to do to the spouse. Let the spouse know the truth so that they can make a decision.

In some cases the spouse decides to leave, but in others the spouse decides to stay, even in the case where there is another child involved. I suspect your H will decide to stay. I would strongly recommend that you read here, get a better idea of what you face and the timescale of recovery.

It is very daunting, but even if it takes 2 years to recover, that is not a long time measure against the length of your marriage to date or the time you two will be married in the future.

Oddly, Kansaswife, the effort to recover the marriage while very painful often leads to a better marriage. Not the A but the subsequent effort.

Finally, before you tell him, please do you best to understand why you did you made the choices you did. I would strongly urge you to consider that his not meeting your needs did NOT give you permission to cheat on him. It was your choice and yours alone. However, there are reasons and there are excuses. If you can figure out the reasons have them handy.

Also don't tell him he was "perfect" and there was nothing he could do. The leaves him defenseless in the future. There were and are things he and you could have done and could do to make the marriage better, to make your decision process more responsible (better commuications and no disrespectful judgements come to mind).

IN any event do as others have suggested calm down. This has happened and it needs to be approached and decided with care.

God Bless

JL

JL, brief TJ here. I think your posts are great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Faithful,

You are too kind, but thank you for the compliment.

God Bless,

JL

Hi kansaswife, and welcome to MarriageBuilders. I know you have much to consider, so I thought I would post Harley's thoughts on this subject, which I very much agree with. If you decide to tell your H, just know that there are many people here who will support you through it.

"From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. "

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Dear Kansaswife,

Have you made an appointment to speak with a professional?