How did you get to this point? my ww still can't admit that she was wrong. Everything is my fault. I am a good husband. faithful, loving,caring, responsible.She took it all for granted and blames me because I was imperfect.I didn't give her the attention she deserved for several months while trying to figure out where I was heading career wise (nothing to do with my marriage). I was depressed and shut down for awhile. Instead of suporting me she turned to some loser, after 13 years of happiness. She has been seeing om for 7 weeks now. She claims to have broken it off, but I know better. She acts as if I am just a friend or something. She is a cake eater. she says she wants to stay married but does everything she can to push me out the door because she is too much of a coward to deal with herself.
Anyway, I am glad you have the guts to stand up[ and be honest. Can you please explain how you got to that point, because I am ready to give up on this woman.

^bump for SoSorryGreen^

thanks for bumping this faithful follower!

^bump for new WS^

thank you, thank you, thank you

I am printing this and giving it to my WH who has had MULTIPLE inappropriate relationships and affairs.

Although hs is remorseful he blames his behavior on two things that he was unhappy, which places a portion of the blame on me and that he is normal and most married men cheat in some way at some point in their marriage, which put the blame on society.

The MAIN reason that I have decided to move forward with divorce is due to the fact that he has failed to admit that HE has a serious problem, a seriously flawed value system, and didn't respect me, our marriage or our family enough to not do this behavior repeatedly.

If he can't see and admit that, then I am sending him away to go find the perfect woman who will keep him happy ALL of the time and will accept the fact that he is normal and will have occassional affairs.

Good luck buddy!

This bump was a bit serendipitus (did I spell that right?)

I sent this very thread to my WW when we began our first false recovery effort. Didn't work though. Not then.

And she still sends me emails blaming me ... for her behavior.

ILM2, I know exactly what your saying. No moral compass, no grasp of right and wrong. Just a "do whatever feels good right now and to heck with the wreckage left behind"
My STBX would say I shouldn't judge her. I don't feel judgemental saying cheating, lying and stealing are wrong.

Our only choice it to run away. Or have happen again to us. Because it wasn't our WS fault they cheated and lied. And they think they weren't really wrong to do it. If that doesn't scare the heck out of you...


.

up again

Ahhh I remember when jelly wrote this - i was a newer WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It made me REALLy think about how i was approaching things....

Wouldn't it be nice if all WSs would read this and take it ot heart?

KY
Thank you for this thread.

They say that truth is eternal and judging by the number of times this thread has been read, replied to and bumped is evidence of it's genuine impact and importance. I am not a full fledged RWW yet but am getting there from FWW as quickly as I can with my best friend - my husband's help. I had fallen into the trap of hopelessness because I knew I couldn't change what I had done or apologize enough for the selfishness, the unthinkable immaturity, the RISK to our family that the affair accomplished.
Instead of being able to "take it" as our MC says, I would fall apart everytime he brought the A. up. Now I don't. I made the worst mistake of my life. I chose it. I was selfish and short-sighted. It is so hard to forgive myself for hurting so many people but I know that my forgiveness of myself is key to halting the impact the whole nightmare has had on our marriage.

I truly haven't blamed my husband but I listed lots of "factors" that contributed to my actions. The bottom line is I chose to have an affair. It was my choice. I broke my own heart as well as that of my husband. I had not cheated before but always had a weakness for attention. I realize that now, I didn't recognize it as a problem before. I am aware and take actions to guard myself now. I think that one of the most empowering aspects of taking responsibility is that I chose the affair. Just as that was a conscious choice, so is NOT EVER DOING IT AGAIN!

I often use a Rick DuFour analogy with my collegues in regard to problem solving... Look in the mirror instead of out of the window. There will always be opportunities to make problems and issues someone else's responsibility but when we do that, we disempower ourselves to change the future.

Excellent post, 2Mel. Your words are as compelling as KYellow's original ones.

When I first came here, I was a WW and a BS at the same time. I cannot remember at what point in my affair I first arrived here, but I think the PA had ended, but the EA was still going on (naively believed we could still be friends). I was hurting terribly. I was lost, entitled, betrayed, ashamed, confused--you name it, I felt it.

So, I stumbled upon ENs and thought,"A-ha! This explains everything. I was not getting ENs met, that is why I had an affair." Fortunately, Dorry found me and encouraged me to dig deeper, to really understand what got me here. And, I began my journey to recovery. But, we had the pain of both As and multiple D-days/recoveries to deal with. And, our "recovery" was not going well, so my defenses were still on high alert and I was not doing a heck of a lot of self-introspection. But, after my WH left, I was really able to get away from the constant pain of our problems to really take a hard look at myself.

What I discovered was that I was extremely codependent. I had spent my whole life looking outside of myself for validation and self-worth. So, when I was not getting that from my H, and believed he did not love me anymore, I was ripe for an affair. It was not about how I felt about OM, or not loving my H, it was about how I felt about myself when I was with OM. I needed all that I got from the affair for me to feel good about myself--but, it was an empty feeling because I also knew it was wrong and hated myself for being so weak. My affair was because I was weak and inadequate--I chose the easy path, not the right path.

I have spent my whole life seeking out love and attention from my relationships with men and usually had SF too early in order to get these things (it was no different with OM). So, whenever the initial high of being in love/getting ENs met wore off, I felt unhappy and dissatisfied in my relationships, but did not understand why. Now I do. I know now that I cannot look to others for my happiness. It is a completely unhealthy and unrealistic expectation to place on another person.

So, when I caught my WH cheating, I was back to the old codependent patterns. We had multiple D-days and false recoveries. I was so scared to trust, to risk being hurt, that I tried to control everything around me. It was like I was this big huge wound. I was dealing with the shame of what I had done and the pain of what he was doing. My whole focus was on us, not myself--the only thing I could change. I was terrified of losing him, yet my very actions were pushing him away (and, I am sure justifying his continuing A). It is really embaressing to look back and think about some of the things I did.

Now, I have come to understand all too well why I had my affair and why I put up with a "recovery" that really wasn't. I felt I did not deserve much since I was a FWW. And, was so desparate for love and validation that I accepted the crumbs I was getting from WH (did not know he was WH again until recently). That is no longer the case. I would like to recover my M, but I am happier than I have been in a long time and know I will be just fine--with or without my H.

I take ownership of my A. I did it. I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway because I was weak and flawed. No excuses.

I find it interesting how cutting to the chase and taking responsibility for my actions has been so healing. I wonder why looking to someone else for a magical fix to inner issues seemed like the answer. I have often said that nothing really worth doing is ever easy. Affairs are easy. No true accountability exists within them because they are based on lies. It felt like an escape but what it was really was a descent, a departure from myself. My husband knows the real me. Who I was was for those weeks was a selfish, immature escapist. I cheated myself and my family. It is good to look in the mirror now and see "me" again. That would have never happened if my H. hadn't been so strong and willing to pull me out of the descent as it was happening. The roller coaster of recovery has been the most difficult work either of us have ever done and there are still days that it seems like the ride won't stop. This work however IS worth doing. Besides total NC I believe taking the full responsibility for my choices has been the most important and the most accelerating move I could have taken toward recovery. For BS's do your WS a favor, be strong enough to stand up and say, this affair was YOUR choice - not mine. My husband did not beat me up but he did not try to further pollute our marriage by giving me excuses to justify or blame my actions on someone else. Exposing the affair, pulling me out of the fog and being kind while I came to my senses was the best thing he could have done. There is hope!

All FWW's that struggle with what the BS's need to here. Read this thread. KY & 2Mel you get it. It has been a leap foward in our recovery this past week to read these words, and once again hear the depth of wisdon from the woman I fell in love with and married.
Thanks KY & 2Mel

^up for HG

^^another bumpity bump^^

I am also a FWW and was wondering how your BS is dealing with your A!I am currently struggling with what the best thing to do is with mine!I keep working on myself but my H and I are separated and he dosen't seem to want to work on our M,and dosen't make any effort to call me!I feel like there might be someone else,but he says no!Today my IC told me to tell him I want to move back in even though I know he will tell me no!I don't want to push him,but I also don't want to let my pride get in the way and completely ignore him!