Alright - first I have realized there are days when this site gives you all the support you need and then sometimes you read something that causes you to crash hard! *sigh*

Second - my H and I are not in recovery. He ended and affair in early January and we are discussing whether we should try again (we have already had previous problems and a false recovery that lasted 2 years) and we are worried about our kids.

My H is doing amazingly. He is going to counselling, being radically honest, making huge progress - but is hurting and depressed and in withdrawal a bit from the OW. This is new OW and was not involved in any previous problems.

Here is what threw me for a loop today. I was reading all the people who don't contact OP's spouse and don't get a NC letter. I am amazed by all of your patience and continued support helping people who are afraid of these tools and it dawned on me - did I need a NC letter, have we made a mistake are we in danger of another false recovery.

But we aren't in recovery. We haven't even decided if we can. He is in counselling on medication - trying to be okay so he can make a good decision.

I believe there is no contact. She ended the relationship. He works out of town; she is in that town. I know he is afraid of running into her. I know he is trying to get over her. I believe him. I do not think she knows he has come back to me or is even contemplating fixing his marriage. When they ended he told her there could be no contact - because he needed to get over her and fix all that had gone wrong in his life.

Now I am stressing after reading a bunch of advice given about NC letters.

Do I have a right to ask him to write one? Is that just opening a can of worms - they haven't spoke in a month.

Would it just cause him more pain and accomplish little?

Should I fear that because she left - she will feel the right to saunter back in?

Again we haven't even decided to try again. We agreed to let him work on all his issues and decide with healthy minds if we could really give 110 % to make this work.

I want to believe a NC letter isn't necessary or justified. However I have read from so many blind people that didn't make progress or were in false recovery because they didn't listen and insist on one.

Do I need one? Is this situation unique or am I just being hopeful? Would it really accomplish anything in our situation?

psyche,

Hard question. I like no contact to be FORMAL and written....for some reason physchologically that seems to create more accountability. However, if no contact has been established for a month already...ANY contact...even one to establish nc...is contact! I say if it ain't broke...don't fix it.

Thanks starfish. That's where I was leaning - I just don't want to make his recovery harder by creating a painful interaction with her.

There is also the chance she will be so choked she will deliberately re-engage with him.

Just wanted to be sure I wasn't being willfully blind or ignoring a necessary step (like I have witnessed others do in other threads) believe my situation is unique.

Thanks!

Funny how sometimes all we need is some affirmation that we are on the right track.

(((((((((((psyche)))))))))))))

Yes chere....even I seek confirmation sometimes. Let some other folks weigh in...but I'm leaning with you right now...UNLESS contact is re-established in ANY way. If that happens...whole new ball game. K?

I*'d agree with SF..and add my own no formal NC sitch..

I am fully in agreement with the NC letter.

However, my H had a ONS..with a woman in another state..whose last name he doesn't even know.

In order to "officially" instate no contact..we'd have to hire a PI or something to find out who she is and where she lives so that we can tell her to go away.

I actually would love for a NC letter to be sent..because I do think it pushes things emotionally further down the tracks..and because it is the ONLY thing even approaching a consequence for OW..something that says..I regret what we did..It was wrong..we hurt people doing it..I never want to see you or hear from you again..etc etc. Nice formal rejection. I could dig it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But it just isn't practical or logical, and in this case might create more problems than it solves by opening a door that was already shut if that makes any sense.

Noodle