Wife has had 3 EA’s (that I know of) and maybe even PA’s. She never wants to get joint help but is going to IC as I am also. (See my other posting). She is knee-deep into a EA now moved out in Nov. Nothing I say or do helps. She blames me for everything. I am new to this. Should I expose her EA to her boss and the person she has the EA with? From everything I have seen, the person she has the EA with may not even know. (He is a playboy and whatever happens, will not last). I know she is looking for a new job because her boss is coming down on her for something.

I have always been good husband and father. Respect her, treat her well, everything. I realize her emotional needs may not have been met but I can’t get it through to her that I can meet them.

Having a bad day – please ask me questions or give me advice!!! See my other postings for more info.

Thanks to everyone – this web page helps me.

So sorry that you are going through this. It is so painful especially since this has happened before. What did you learn from the previous EAs?

It takes a long time for them to come around to trust that you can meet ENs that were not met in the past. You have to consistently demonstrate that you have changed. Just telling them won't do it.

Not sure what you mean that the OP may not know? May not know about the EA? or that she is M?
Sorry for your sitch. Are you currently in plan A? What changes have you made in you? I am sure you heard this before but you cannot "make" your WW see that you can meet her EN's. Right now just focus on changing you. I don't have much else to add right now. Just didn't want to let you go unanswered. Hang in there.

keep in mind I am still knee deep in the mess, but I am all for the exposure...

how is it that the OM does not know he is in an EA? Is this all a fantasy for her? If that is the case, telling him may stoke his ego & open him up to your WW for a full blown A... esp if he is a "playboy"... not much honor there! Still, if they are carrying on an A at their place of work, I am all for exposure.. I did this and I do not regret it. WH and OW are trying to lie and CYA stuff, but I know that there are alot of eyes on them now, and it will be difficult for them to start anything else up now.

Until your W is clear of the fog of the A, she will continue to ignore your attempts at meeting ENs... this is normal, and you should not become discouraged.

Be prepared that if your exposure causes WW to lose her job and tarnish her reputation, than she will be very angry w/ you for awhile... you will become the enemy... just keep your head straight and work on you. Build yourself up, work out, get IC, eat better, exercise... whatever. Be the man she fell in love wiht all those years ago... when the fog clears, she will start to see more clearly


Hope this helps! Good luck!

You have been trough this 3 times. Boy are you patient - what effect is this having on your children ? You need to get back into counseling for yourself . This is not good -how many years between these EA? Or is this somethign that goes from one guy to the next. She has problems and you need to get help - she may not change. But I am not a pro on marriage anyway.

To give you a little background, her EA’s happen hard and fast, first one was in 1995 and happened in one day with a man she barely knew. He was a gentleman and told me she was contacting him and he asked me what to do about it. He severed the ties and she came right back. What I learned from her is she felt I was not spending enough time helping her around the house. She said I did too much “man” chores (mowing lawn, fixing house, remodeling). She wanted more help with the day to day stuff. I changed and help even more to the point where I did most of the general housework.

She then asked to move so we did. In 2000 she went away for a weekend with a friend from work and came back and said the marriage was over. I later learned a man from work went along also that weekend. That time I told her to make a decision, work on the marriage, or leave the marriage. She chose to stay but would not go to counseling with me. (I went to IC).

This year, she fell for man immediately after starting a new job. The reason I don’t think knows is because she hacked into his email and would read his messages. He gets lots of emails from lady friends and I noticed my wife would cry when she would read them. (I work in IT and put spy software on our computer.) She would also send him suggestive but not to the point emails which led me to believe he may not know how she felt. She bought new clothes, lost weight, went to work early every day, wouldn’t talk to me, went to a conference with this guy and came home crying. All the signs are there.

All I can tell everyone is that I AM a great husband and father. All of our friends and family are flabbergasted by our separation. Either my wife has some issues or I was not meeting her emotional needs (or both). I can meet emotional needs if I know what they are!!! I am sick about this.

We are both in IC.

any chance that your WW was abused as a child? sounds like she is locked into a self-destructive pattern..

it is easy to get locked into these fantasies when you are emotionally immature and unable to see the reality of the damage... did you two marry young?

I was emotionally immature at some points of our M, but I did grow and change, started recognizing self-destrucutive patterns and activley working against them. Problem is WH did not... he still has these "well I want it so I will..." mentality, sad for a 36 yo man with three children. I keep praying he is going to grow-up before it is too late!

Sounds likemyour W has alot of growing up to do, she is obviously not recognizing the severity of the situation... Where are your children? I hope they are with you... Sounds like she is still acting like a teenager, falling in "love" with the newest crush and then falling apart when she does not get the reactions she seeks...and drags herself backto you, ole faithful...<sigh> So sorry for your pain!

This has to be so difficult for you.

Something just seems really odd here to me. She falls head-over-heels in love at the drop of a hat, it sounds like. Although you are not getting any information from her as to what it is that is lacking. Are there any common denominators that these OMs share, something that they have in common to indicate what it is that she is looking for?

Momma’sSad

Yes, we got married young. She was 18 and I was 23. She had many anxiety problems when we first got married. We went to the doctor a lot of her hyperventilating and other problems. I always went with her and tried to support her.

Also, she once told me that she thought her dad molested her when she was young. She was sobbing unctrollably when she told me this. I told her it did not change the way I felt about her. She never would talk to me about this again and says she does not think it happened. However, she always says she remembers very little of her early childhood.

Many people have told me how she does not learn from the pain invoked with these affairs. I know of 3, there could have been more. She lies constantly when she does this and tells me I am paranoid, jealous, etc.

Legato,

There really is not a common denominator. The first guy was a nice guy, average looking but was pretty much flat broke. He lived in a camper in the woods and milked 15 cows for a living. (We are very well off financially. We have over $500K in assets and she falls for someone in a camper). Again, this guy was great, he helped me and did not take advantage of her.

Never met the 2nd guy.

The 3rd guy (current EA) is arrogant. He is on one of the dating web sites and his profile is ridiculous. He calls himself “Prince Charming” and says he looks fantastic. His emails to his lady friends are ridiculous as he has such a high opinion of himself. He is 40 and never married. He is a total sports nut and NOW my wife is a sports nut. My wife hates arrogance, has always hated sports, but loves this guy.

Thanks for the advice. Next question, based on my wife's behavior, should I Plan A and expose what may just be a fantasy or do I Plan B? She has moved out.

She tells me she still loves me (differently) than before. She also likes being "friends" with me. (After 19 years of marraige, we are just supposed to be friends).

I know she needs help and hope her IC can figure out her strange behavior. It has messed me up pretty good - don't sleep, can't concentrate, all the bad stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How long till the fog lifts? on average at least?

The fog lifts periodically but doesn't go away completely until after no contact established.

So this is someone that she works with but they're not dating or anything?

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

Need to clarify... She works with this guy. She fell for him immediately after taking the job.

I found him on a dating website when I was checking him out. (I found a lot about him on the Net!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BHINWI:
<strong> Thanks for the advice. Next question, based on my wife's behavior, should I Plan A and expose what may just be a fantasy or do I Plan B? She has moved out.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bounce this off others here before you take action. In this case, I think you should consider telling the other man about her previous entanglements, and the rapidity with which she forms attachments.

If he already knows, then expose.

All the best,
Gimble

OK everyone, what do you suggest?

BH,

Tell us about your kids.

You are separated. Where are the kids?

How is her relationship with them?

How old are they?

What do they know and/or think about all this?

If she left, in the event of a D, are you going for custody?

OOps. I read the answers to all my Q's on your other thread. No need to answer again.

(OK, so I'm thinking about my child all the time. Sorry if it's not a main point for you.)

-AD

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Tell us about your kids.

You are separated. Where are the kids?
50/50 - I am at the house; she moved

How is her relationship with them?
She loves them but has hurt them big time. She goes out a lot and they know it.

How old are they?
14 girl - 8 boy

What do they know and/or think about all this?
Daughter suspects affair and is confused. Boy is very confused. We never fought and always got along so kids just don't know what to think.

If she left, in the event of a D, are you going for custody?
I am trying to stop the divorce I started. After all, she wanted me to file. She almost foreced me to file so she could be the victim.

Looking for suggestions to Gimble's reply! Please help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well if she is already out of the house, there are limits to what you can do. I would still suggest Plan A, which is where I am, but only because it is obvious you still love her.

IMVHO your W is in serious need of IC and you two need MC also. Your W sounds to be very immature socially and spiritually. I used to fall in love hard and fast, but I was a teenager then!

WH was 21 and I 18 when we were M, also, but somewhere along the way you are supposed to grow up! I believe I have (not all the way I'm sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but WH has not because he is still doing like he did when he was a teen and wanting his cake and eat it too!

The only way this growth will evertake place is with a concentrated effort all around. WH is stillat least willing to go to MC so I am hopeful, and he realizes he has errors in his life he needs to work on (as do I)

There is obviously something your WW feels she is missing in her life or she wouldn't be constantly looking for the thrill that accompanies a new relationship, even if it is in her imagination.

Plan A means avoiding LBs, being the best "you" that you can be and being the strong and stable one for your kids. It is obvious that WW is unable to be that right now. Strap in tight and hold on... the coaster is heading up the hill...click, click, click...

So you suggest I expose her to her "fantasy" boyfriend? And her boss also? Get it out in the open?

Or do keep letting her know I understand that she is going through a difficult time and offer to help her?

Or do I just wait?