Hi fellow MB'ers,

Joint counselling sessions start this week. FWS has finally stopped talking and made the booking. Seems our discussions on following through with things made some impact.

Can any of you tell me what to expect from a joint session like this? I spoke to the counsellor and explained my reasons for attending and gave a brief background of the events leading up to this.

I am attending and have made no promises about where it leads to. I thought that it may help both of us find some closure, be better people, or in the past hoped that it would have led to an R (Not sure about wanting thi now, but keeping open mind).

FWS is now pushing full steam ahead with trying to R, but I am not a complete functioning (and or trusting) unit just yet.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

^^Bump^^

Not much RM.

The MC will probably be getting a "lay of the land" as it were more than anyhting else.

Watch how you interact..see where you are at right now.

Is IC going to be a part of this too?

Intimacy with the MC or during the sessions has been a process in my experience. How much can you open up to a stranger..even one trained to help you do just that?

You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Just remember that. You are choosing to see where this goes..you are not being coerced. If you feel coerced I would tell FWW that you are not ready and take a step back.

Noodle

It your FWW really wants to be there and you trust your MC, you may make a little progress. My WH came to MC reluctantly and lied his way through most of the sessions. Then he walked out.

I suggest that you stay very quiet during the sessions. Let FWW do a lot of the talking. You may learn some interesting things. If you do say something, focus on "I" messages. If history is going to be re-written, bring things that prove the real version of history, like letters, bills or emails. Try to stay on track and not waste valuable time bickering.

Hope it goes well for you.

Hey Rman,

This is really fantastic! I know you are proceeding with caution {{{{{{{{yellow light}}}}}}} and that is just fine for now.

FWH and I have been in recovery for almost three months right now....one of the terms of our agreement was 8 sessions of MC with SH. When FWH was in contact he rejected MC and SH altogether. In the beginning he was very skeptical and I would ask him for an alternative, but he could never come up with one so we continued.

We had three sessions and SH did a great job of chipping away and changing FWH's perspective. I was not feeling it with FWH though...he was not filling my EN's and really I did not allow him to because I was in a very protected state and ran out of steam. Oddly, FWH rushed to fill in the gap and quickly filled out EN questionarie that SH asked us to complete. As for me, I just came to a halt and had to stop out from the exercises/coaching. I was just plain pooped.

I want/we need to get started again because FWH thinks things are good between us and they are better...he LB's less...but he is really not filling my EN's because he doesn't know what they are. I am torn because I almost don't want him to know because then he will try and I don't know if I will let him into my trust.

It does not help that we are approaching D-day anniversary which I told FWH that I was having a hard time with....wow...never could do that before...MB works. FWH even called OW "wierd" and stated I had been thru alot...I waited for months to hear that...but somehow it fell flat when he said it.I am really grappling with trust and love.....neither he or I have said ILY in just about ten months....maybe in time.

I don't know if this helps or not, but slow and steady wins the race. Go slowly...you worked so hard for this and now it is worth a shot. If it works out great...if it does not...you will be okay...either way life goes on.

Again, Rman, you have done a great job...pat yourself on the back and expect some bumps in the road...some lack of trust/feelings as a result of that protected state..but hopefully FWW will hang in there to earn her way back.

Stay strong and take care of yourself, Rman. Good to hear you are okay. ss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to everyone for the feedback.

Noodle – I don’t have an issue opening up. Sometimes I think that I am too much of an open book. You are right about coercion though. I have been going to IMC for some time now, am even seeing a psychologist about self esteem issues that have come to the surface. FWS is trying all the tricks she can to coerce me back into the relationship and making some sort of commitment to her. I guess that I can understand as she is trying (on the surface at least ) to patch things up. Love your quote “Speed is irrelevant if you are going the wrong direction” it really is approriate.


Grapegirl – FWW was the one who organized the counseling so I can only assume that she wants to be there. I do like your suggestion of being quiet in the sessions, as it’s normally me who is doing all the talking. At this stage I am not going to bring any supporting evidence, as I feel it may be viewed as antagonistic and FWW is pretty much taking the blame for the A and this big ol’ mess. I have found that I usually end up having to stop her from beating herself up as I don’t know how productive it really is. If she does do a flip and start to lie about things then I may either opt out or bring stuff long with me. But it’s a good suggestion to remember.

SureSurvivor my old friend – Yes am proceeding very slowly. I think FWW would like me to commit to anything right now that indicates some sort of commitment to her and our M. All I am offering is to attend MC with as open a mind as is possible. Yep the feeling of exhaustion is definitely something that I can relate to. It’s hard to stop the constant pounding in my ears and think straight at the present, but I know that I am getting better. I have been able to objectively look at things and realize that FWW brings a lot of family baggage with her that was and will probably still be an issue for me, and I am not sure that I want all that back. I also must bring my own set of issues to the table and keep reminding FWW of this. IMHO I feel that FWW is just looking past all the things that caused her / us to be unhappy purely as a result of her being lonely. Trust issues, well that is going to be a doozy. My take on this is that I will cross that rickety old bridge if and when counseling makes me feel that it won’t collapse from under me. And yes, it does help!!!

Thanks R-Man