D

Heh, bad choice..a lot of men are sort of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> on the idea of having another man involved.

Again, I am sooo glad that I am not the only one. I have asked my H VERY detailed questions, too. Mine is more so that I can do all the same things so that those memories of her will be replaced with me. He also does not like me asking these things. He thinks they will hurt me or haunt me, but they do help me move on, I think. My only problem was the specialness issue. I don't care us much about the sex as I do about all the little kisses, hand holding, hugging, expressions of love, etc. Does that make sense?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> D

Heh, bad choice..a lot of men are sort of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> on the idea of having another man involved. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah...when she made that offer there was another man sitting right there...

H had gone to visit this guy and she showed up....

From what H says he and the other guy sat there looking like deer caught in the headlights...

What a piece of work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Daisy, can you imagine having at least 7 months of sex, about 2 times a week, to get details on? And of course H can't remember anything. I've said to him, "OK, you can't remember the exact details of the 1st time you had an O with another woman?" He eventually has gotten more of the what, but can not remember the timeline. Did you begin giving each other Os in May, was it June, July? Were you getting physical before or after she and her H separated? Do you remember how you felt screwing her when my dad was dying in the hospital? You would think he'd remember those details, but he just wants to forget them.

And I want to know the nitty gritty like you ladies have described, I just never said it on here before. The last time we had a sex talk, about a month ago, I asked him who was the better screw. me or OW? Of course if it was her he wouldn't want to answer that question. What gets me the most is that he gave her OS, just to please her. For some reason that kills me. Since his A we have not ventured into that area, and I never had any hangups about OS. I wonder if we'll ever even do that again. Now I wonder if he even wants to with me.

Writing about all of this just pisses me off so much. Something that was ours alone, became theirs, and we haven't even fully reclaimed it yet. I wonder if we can. He doesn't even really kiss me much when we have sex now, something he did with the "B". It's like our sex life went from being free and spontanious, to this corrupted semi-enjoyable place. A place where it is never quite as good as it was. A place where I never know when I might get triggered, or when thoughts of the woman he "F"ed will pop into my head. How do people recover from this? CV

Daisy, can you imagine having at least 7 months of sex, about 2 times a week, to get details on? And of course H can't remember anything. I've said to him, "OK, you can't remember the exact details of the 1st time you had an O with another woman?" He eventually has gotten more of the what, but can not remember the timeline. Did you begin giving each other Os in May, was it June, July? Were you getting physical before or after she and her H separated? Do you remember how you felt screwing her when my dad was dying in the hospital? You would think he'd remember those details, but he just wants to forget them.

And I want to know the nitty gritty like you ladies have described, I just never said it on here before. The last time we had a sex talk, about a month ago, I asked him who was the better screw. me or OW? Of course if it was her he wouldn't want to answer that question. What gets me the most is that he gave her OS, just to please her. For some reason that kills me. Since his A we have not ventured into that area, and I never had any hangups about OS. I wonder if we'll ever even do that again. Now I wonder if he even wants to with me.

Writing about all of this just pisses me off so much. Something that was ours alone, became theirs, and we haven't even fully reclaimed it yet. I wonder if we can. He doesn't even really kiss me much when we have sex now, something he did with the "B". It's like our sex life went from being free and spontanious, to this corrupted semi-enjoyable place. A place where it is never quite as good as it was. A place where I never know when I might get triggered, or when thoughts of the woman he "F"ed will pop into my head. How do people recover from this? CV

CV,

It was only an ONS sexual episode I had to get the sexual details on but my H also had an approx 8 year EA with a different OW.

I had alot of probing questions about that too but I never got all the answers. That timeline was also very fuzzy

Basically with that A ...considering the length of time it went on... I was looking for details of the highlights...details on their most memorable encounters/conversations.

I think with a longterm A that`s about the best you can hope for...and then you kind of fill in the blanks.

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong> What gets me the most is that he gave her OS, just to please her. For some reason that kills me. Since his A we have not ventured into that area, and I never had any hangups about OS. I wonder if we'll ever even do that again. Now I wonder if he even wants to with me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The ultimate ego stroke for a man is to sexually please a woman....it`s not really about the woman...it`s about how proud the man is of himself and his ability to please if he can get her off.

My H had OS with his OW too. That was her big finale on him. And he gave it to her....

The one thing that REALLY bothered my H about his encounter with her was that he never could figure out if SHE came or not. It bothered him so much that he went to his buddy who "had" her after my H to compare notes to see if she had come with my H. My H REALLY wanted to know if he had given her and orgasm or not. My thought is "if you have to ask then the answer is NO" But I digress...

This was the same scenario with the EA OW...my H had dated her before we had met and had had sex with her then. She was young and inexperienced and had been unable to come. This also REALLY bothered my H....he was so sure that if he ever had another shot at her he would be able to satisfy her.

My H told me these things about these two different OW`s.... Like I told you...I am like a pittbull with a bone...a master at grilling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CV, I think this was perhaps more of an ego trip for your H more than anything else. The OS was to make your H feel like DA MAN!!!!!It wasn`t really to make her feel "good" in the way you might imagine. It may have been more for him than for her. Does this make sense?

double post

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: Lilybelle ]</small>

What a thread! I can see people reading this now with thier jaws dropped open wanting to reply but thinking better of it....LOL

BTW - OW asked for a threesome here also (with my wife).

Sorry to keep jumping in here, but I have to agree with him wanting to feel like a man. My H couldn't make the OW cum. He said this frustrated him. It makes me feel good, and I DID rub this in to him(I know major LB). She told him that she never had an O; her fiance was the only one that could ever make her "go". In the same breath she told my H that he was the best S she ever had. I told him that I doubt that is true if he couldn't even bring her to climax. Now, he feels even more like a loser before the A because he feels like a lousey lover. Oh well, is what I say!

Anyone who read that title line and expected puppies and christmas..


...probably doesn't like me anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh my oh my - I am only allowing myself one post a day now - another story, but this thread could make me write a book! Don't worry - Just wanted to throw in my support for you all - dealng with the sexual betrayal is huge, terrible, brutal, awful, phewf, yeech, and OUCH! SO hurtful.

I will proudly sit with you, daisy & noodle in the freak section. I have had ALL those thoughts. He probably was thinking of her. She was younger and prettier and in better shape - he!!, I was pregnant! I jam fianlly becoming more sure he isn't still.....

Noodle, My H sometimes struggles with expressing himself so his descriptions are lacking. He's not an artist, but we do have a gallery. There's an idea for the show from hell "Erotica: Images of the OW"

Daisy - My H also wasn't sure if OW had an O with him!!! That one floored me. WTF???? If you have to ask.........But I am glad as it shows me it wasn't the perfect erotic relationship. BTW, he never claimed it was. If he was wondering tho, isn't that a comment on their closeness, communication and bond?

And CV {{{{{{{CV}}}}}}} - I feel your pain. And I know you have had more than your fair share lately.

Anyway, as I am reading all this, I am at least comforted to know that my "obsession" with "their" sex is normal under the circumstances. I want the whole picture. The comment "We are lacking the mental images that they share." is so true. I don't want her to have any secrets about my H in my marriage period. And I don't want him to think about any sex other than ours that he's had since we got married. It did happen in my marriage, behind my back, and it was his choice and it hurts and suc%s! I want science to catch up and make it so there would be NO secrets. But as long as I'm wishing, can't we just go back in time and change everything?

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: Lilybelle ]</small>

TTS,

Sorry to keep jumping in?

For what? Welcome aboard..written invitation even. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Noodle

FWIW I tried it. I just wanted to emasulate OM after my fantasy.

Won;t work for me sorry.

ps. I mean I wanted to get in my car, drive to his evening estate, mace him and cut his c0ck off with my tinning shears.

No 'general' malice. All perfectly possible. Just needs e to get in the car.best I don't go there again I reckon. Not much use to family or anyone in prison for GBH.Good idea tho' its true, there IS no copyright on those images.

Thanks for the invite! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

BP--that's funny, I wanted to do the same thing to my H when he told me!

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: truetoself ]</small>

Well, since I appear to have already jumped head 1st into this porno thread I guess I'll keep going with the flow. I think H screwed OW, had OS with OW, because he was in-love with her and wanted to express that love. I hate saying that, but I believe that is the truth. I think he gave her OS because he wanted to make her feel good, which made him feel good. I don't have any doubt that her Os were the real deal. They had 7, 8, whatever months to get all comfy with their sex life. H admitted to me when I was the pitbull that they were passionate until the end. Although recently he told me the sex was OK. So what is the truth?

I copied all of her love letters and a short while ago I got them out. OK, don't anyone 2x4 me. I think this thread made me want to go back and look for clues. Clues to what I'm not sure. I got through 2 letters and I couldn't read anymore. The familiarity with the way she was writing to my H. She quoted something he said which was, "What did I do to deserve you?" She talked about their love, and that was in May, near the beginning of this mess. The other thing I want to do with H is to read those letters together. I thought they might jar his memory.

I also am very sorry he deleted all their e-mails to each other. I understand As, but I want to understand their A. I wish I could see what he was telling her. I also still want to see the cell phone bills. He got rid of all of them that year. I want to see just how much time was spent on the phone. I want to see how much he was talking to her on significant days, like when my dad was dying, etc. He can't remember so I feel like I need this info to help me piece things together. Do you think I can still get those cell phone bills?

We talked to Steve Harley today who is great. But sometimes I feel MB alone just isn't enough for me to heal from this. Although maybe if we did what Steve says all this other stuff would just disappear. I have to say this thread has really stirred up some stuff for me. H lately is avoiding A talks. In his mind we have cleaned out the wound. I told Steve today it ain't cleaned out for me. I'm sure some folks might think I am picking at it, but I don't think so. At least not yet.

Sorry, I think I'm kind of babbling now. CV

CV, I believe your H was telling the truth about the sex; BOTH TIMES. In other words the more time that passes the more reality sets in. During the fantasy it was wonderful sex but without the pink glasses reality has set in and it's just sex and sex that he'd rather not think about. I'm not chastising you for dredging it up if that's what you need but I do believe he is probably telling you the truth. Believe me I know longer hear, cutie petootee and all that other sh$t I used to listen to. Reality has set in. Take care.

Wow, what a thread. Noodle, you did a great job explaining how you are handling the mental images of your H's and OW's sex life.

CV, I know how you feel. My H also pleasured the OW with OS, the first time they made love. My H could not kiss or have OS with me for about a year after the recovery. He just could not do it. It took just over a year, but once he started, he could not stop.

My H did say sex with the OW was so much better, she was younger, had bigger boobs, firm body, no kids. Also, the excitement of the affair added to the sex.

My way of handling it is to sometimes envision the OW in my bedroom, especially while he is busy giving me OS. I say to her in my mental image, he chose me over you, he loves having sex with me, you are now the one left out in the cold. It is quite a powerful tool for me, it helped me regain my sexuality and self esteem.

NOMO

This is a topic I am having troubles dealing with in my life. they still run like a first showing after 7 weeks. I have no Idea what they did, how they did it, and for how long. But my mind plays different shows daily(nightly). I am sure OS was involved, This is something that was special to us,(so I thought) We had both only been with a couple people and kind of Naive when it came to sex. We had learned together some things and now that is all gone. I am also bothered by the kissing. As a guy, is this normal? The passion that must have been involved kills me. I am sure the om must have felt like a king.(untill his wife found out) But I just want the movies to end, or at least slow down so I can deal with it better. any advice?

I was out of town when this thread first ran.

Just wanted to say that I too used a similar technique to handle the images and disturbing thoughts. When they appeared instead of fighting them, entertaining them, engaging them, or getting lost in them, I consciously stopped, and had a stare down contest with them in my mind, focus right on the thought of image...frozen in time...that caused them to discipate and ultimately not return. Try it some time...it usually works this way...they discipate..they lose their control over you because you aren't trying to flee from them...or entain them.