</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnheart:
<strong> Is there a difference between a 1 night A sex and a prolonged A sexlife? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there is a difference from what my H tells me about his ONS.

On some levels it was MORE fufilling and on some levels less.

It was more fufilling because it was just a sexual thrill. No strings attached (or so my H thought at the time) For him it was just raw animalistic sex. Fantasy type sex. There was never any opportunity for my H to see the OW unkempt, in a bad mood, tired ect...So I figure to this day she remains in my H`s mind the "perfect" sexual partner.

To this day H says that the memoy of the act itself is a GOOD one for him. It was a thrill and remains a thrill in his memory.

But was less fufilling because it was a one shot deal. To this day H does not know if she came or not. And this really bothers him...he would like to know if she enjoyed it as much as he did. I`m not sure why this matters but it does to him. Had he had a prolonged A with her...he would have known the answer to this.

I think when it is a longterm A you get to see some not so attractive sides to the OP. Not every sexual encounter will be mind blowing either. When it`s just an ONS it takes on some kind of mythical proportions in your memory....

By having an ONS my H never had the chance to used to the OW (thereby lessening the thrill) or to get tired of her either.

One more thing I wanted to add...as a women I found that every first sexual encounter with someone new was a complete BUST. The first time I would have sex with someone I would be too self conscious and nervous to enjoy it. An ONS would NOT be enjoyable for me. For me to really enjoy sex it takes a few encounters with someone new.

Men are not like this. They can really enjoy it the first time out IMHO.

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

To this day H does not know if she came or not. And this really bothers him...he would like to know if she enjoyed it as much as he did. I`m not sure why this matters but it does to him.

IMHO, this is the mindset of someone who is insecure and needs validation. In fact, that is why he had the ONS. From reading in the OW board it appears that for the very insecure ones it is very important to know that they were truly loved in the affair and that they were great in the sac and left a good impression. The affair folks always put up their best efforts in the SF department. It is very important to leave a good impression.


Had he had a prolonged A with her...he would have known the answer to this.

If she is like most women her 1st encounter with your H was so so, but she probably faked lots of pleasure.

I think when it is a long-term A you get to see some not so attractive sides to the OP. Not every sexual encounter will be mind blowing either. When it`s just an ONS it takes on some kind of mythical proportions in your memory....

I agree and disagree. Many involved in affairs manage to make every encounter a very special occasion since they don’t see each other every day and don’t live together. An affair couple that meets 2-3 times a month for sex and nothing else can keep it new for a long time. The secrecy and the forbidden fruit syndrome enhances the sexual experience The fact that the meetings are sporadic keeps their bodies NEW to each other. Remember, part of great sex in the affair is that the OP is NEW. OLD cannot compete with NEW and hence that is why affair sex is considered much better. It is only when they get together full time that the relationship crashes into the mundane.


As to what type of SF is best:

If a married couple has great SF after a 20-year marriage that is a whole lot more meaningful than explosive affair sex that occurs sporadically in the shadows of deceit. Remember, the man or woman who is considered to be great in bed in the affair may be an awful sex partner within the context of a marriage. I know of men who were considered studs in bed by the affair partner, but their long-term spouses thought they were dull in bed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Daisy37:
<strong> One more thing I wanted to add...as a women I found that every first sexual encounter with someone new was a complete BUST. The first time I would have sex with someone I would be too self conscious and nervous to enjoy it. An ONS would NOT be enjoyable for me. For me to really enjoy sex it takes a few encounters with someone new.

Men are not like this. They can really enjoy it the first time out IMHO. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Daisy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Just wanted to chime in on the above. Not sure how true that is. First times for me were always akward. In my A I even had some....ummm.... <looking at the ground>...'disfunction' (sshhhh) that took over an hour to resolve. This is not something I EVER experienced in my life before and haven't since.

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: RacerX fka:SISF ]</small>

This is kindof what I need to hear, only wish more WW would tell their experience. I believe most men have mostly good sex. (sex is like pizza) LOL. I know how good it has been with my W, But did she experience something mindblowing.
why I am curious,I have no idea, but I am. Maybe I just want that feeling in our marriage.

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If she is like most women her 1st encounter with your H was so so, but she probably faked lots of pleasure.
__________________________________________________

Stan-ley, What do you base this on? It is hard to follow sometimes, because I do not know gender and sitch of everyone (yet)

Noodle, you are always so helpfull, I find alot of knowledge in your posts. I also like deeplysorry's post. others as well, but you always seem to post on feelings I am going through at that time. (Physcic noodle?) anyway, I would love to get some more thoughts of WW as well.

hnh, you said "why I am curious,I have no idea, but I am. Maybe I just want that feeling in our marriage."

Sorry I've not replied to your earlier post. I will have more time next week. With regards your comment above? I think it's the $64,000 question - all BSs wonder. My feelings are that we act and think instinctually after our partner is unfaithful. Our reactions are somehow helpful to us in the long term or even in the short term (the thread subject being an example). This is a process and though it's horribly painful it is a journey. I don't know why we feel we need to know how it was - there are a lot of theories. But rest assured that you are normal. Much later in your process you will develop more confidence in yourself and come to feel pleased with your abilities to do as well as you've done. (well that's what I think anyway).

AN

it has been awhile since this has been out there, what say everyone, I still have mine, it prevents me from gettin over 4-5 hours asleep a night. Any new thoughts for killing these thoughts?

hnh, You can't hurry a process. It has its own life cycle. Basically you just have to put up with it until you wear yourself out and or that it has less power over you. A lot of time is the usual prescription.

I must confess that I was only just thinking in the last 24 hours whether we actually enjoy torturing ourselves with it. I have developed some kind of heart problem that starts up when I think too much about the A. It's an irregular heart beat along with palpatations. It makes me feel quite unwell.... So then I have to decide which I prefer - thoughts of the A or the discomfort. How stupid is that? Sometimes I chose the discomfort.

Yet there has to be a deeper reason why we need to think about it, and I suspect it's part of the getting over it.

maybe it would help to share your thoughts about the A on the forum??

an

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anyname:
<strong> I have developed some kind of heart problem that starts up when I think too much about the A. It's an irregular heart beat along with palpatations. It makes me feel quite unwell.... Yet there has to be a deeper reason why we need to think about it, and I suspect it's part of the getting over it.

an </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to get the chest problems too...my heart would actually feel like it was tightening up...and I had trouble breathing.


Hurtnheart,

In early recovery I don`t think you have much control over the thoughts....at least I didn`t. I rolled with it...when I felt them coming on I would one of two things....I would either lock myself in the bathroom and take a LONG bath OR I would go outside and take a long vigourous walk.

I would allow myself to crawl right down to the bottom of that hole but at the same time I would be doing an activity that kept me out of sight of of my H and kids...and something that would allow me to fall into a deep deep sleep at bedtime.

Alot of BS`s swear by vigorous physical activity in early recovery...you blow off your steam by the activity...and you get a good night`s sleep afterwards.

This does slowly subside. You do work it out of your system IMHO by allowing yourself to feel those deep dark feelings. Eventually you get bored of thinking about believe it or not... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be patient...it does get better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

Bumping for those of us new to recovery.