my husband has always had female friends and from time to time they call him. But lately there is a girl from work who seems to call EVERYDAY. My husband assures me she's married and there's nothing between them. But they go out to lunch sometimes(I'm not sure how often) and are paintball "partners" which I'm not invited or allowed to go paintballing with him. I've told him i don't like it that she calls and asked him to have her stop, but he just gets mad and tells me i'm being insecure. Am I?

No, I don't think you are being insecure. I think you need to listen to your intutuion.
Why aren't you allowed to go play paintball with him but she can? That's not right at all. I would start doing some investigating.

In my opinion you should be the one to join him in his recreational activities. You need time together to reconnect. If you were still in the dateing phase of your relationship he would not be going out all the time with another female - to lunch or paintball wars or what not. That would be viewed as a "non committed" relationship. I think that if you have concerns you need to check into them. Drop in to one of the games- drop by and join them for lunch- or have a friend go to the same resturant. Check your phone bills to see how often and for how long he is talking to this other person. I am not expert but in my honest opinion they are at the very least in a emotional affair. My H's affair started very similarily- and it went full-fledged in not too long. Ask your H how he would feel if you were to do the same thing with another man a "friend" my guess is he would not like it.

I hope that I am wrong I really do but my gut is telling me he is in a empotional affair. How ever I may not be right and I may jump to conclusions.

double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

No!

Friends of the opposite sex are not okay when the spouse isn't invited to the friendship.

He can only do it if he knows and understands the boundaries he needs to protect (and even then it's dangerous business) - and he clearly doesn't know what those are.

* If he tells her things about himself that he wouldn't tell you, he's crossed a boundary.

* If he talks about his marriage or complains about you with her, he's crossed a boundary.

* If he does things with her that he wouldn't do with you standing there, he's crossed.

* If he spends more time in leisure activities with her than he does with you, he's crossed.

And even if he's done none of those things, he may be there for her in a way that doesn't make sense for a married man. What does he do for her that she can't get elsewhere? More importantly, what does she do for him that he doesn't get from you?

No gettin' around this. It's no good.

GC

jsouders - Sorry to hear that you are in this akward situation.

In my humble opinion (IMHO), yes you have good reason to e concerned. This is what my FWW used to justify contacts with OM. Yu need to e careful though that you do not drive them underground by consistanlty questioning and and LB'ing you husband.

Try doing what I did, quietly/stealthily checked phone records, SMS's, look for any changes in your H's behaviours, (going out more often, hiding or gaurding the mobile phone, lot's of SMS's, always on the internet but hides content from you, new clothes, new music, etc). There was a link on the MB board with 50 tell tale signs that your spouse is having an A. Most of the signs were there when my FWW was having an A.

Just remember though, make sure that he is or isn't doing anything wrong. The last thing you want is to persecute him if nothing is happening.

IMHO opposite sex relationships are not generally speaking a good thing. They nearly alays lead to problems.

Sadly though, I feel that you probably have justification to be concerned that something is going on. Trust your gut, but make sure that you can back things up with proof.

Be strong

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

I'm gonna post my position here too - hope you don't mind. NO SPOUSE should EVER hang out with friends of the opposite sex ALONE. That is the recipie for disaster. You canh't mix baking soda and vinegar without some sort of action - same applies here.

This is too dangerous a situation for you to let it continue. I agree with the above posts: YOU should be your spouse's recreational partner. That time together strengthens your marriage just like any other time together does.

I SUSPECT an EA. I can personally vouch for that - it happens. I DID IT. I had no intention of falling for the OW, but the more time we spent 'just being friends' the more time we spent getting to like each other, and the more time we spent comparing how our spouses measured up to our new partner. SPOUSE always comes up on the short end eventually, like, "She would NEVER want to play paintball with me - she just isn't as much fun..." that sort of thing. One thing will lead to another, and your marriage will be in trouble.

Find a way to bring up the topic without any LBs, let him know that you are worried, and that you need him to back off with this woman - let him know you love him and would like to be the one doing things with him.

NO LBs! NO LBs! Be very careful, loving, calm and remember that you are protecting your relationship.

As Dr. Harley has written: "We are all wired for affairs." It takes open communication to keep that from happening. Protect your marriage, you and your husband (and kids, if there are any). It's the right thing to do.

For what it's worth,

David

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Thank you for your information. The thing is he isn't hiding anything. I'm usually right there when she calls and he doesn't walk away from me. It's just like everyone else who calls him and he doesn't try to hide that he calls. He does work late most nights and that's a problem but she's usually not there when he works late. and he was working late at his work before he knew her. So my instincts are kinda flip-flopping. If you know what I mean.

Thank you for your information. The thing is he isn't hiding anything. I'm usually right there when she calls and he doesn't walk away from me. It's just like everyone else who calls him and he doesn't try to hide that she calls. He does work late most nights and that's a problem but she's usually not there when he works late. and he was working late at his work before he knew her. So my instincts are kinda flip-flopping. If you know what I mean.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jsouders:
<strong> Thank you for your information. The thing is he isn't hiding anything. I'm usually right there when she calls and he doesn't walk away from me. It's just like everyone else who calls him and he doesn't try to hide that she calls. He does work late most nights and that's a problem but she's usually not there when he works late. and he was working late at his work before he knew her. So my instincts are kinda flip-flopping. If you know what I mean. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then don't follow your instincts! Do the rational thing - avoid the hurt that will happen is an affair occurs. If you haven't been thru it, you have no idea how bad it is - I mean that seriously. You wouldn't be posting on these boards if something inside you was already triggering your 'protect my family' mode....do the right thing...

David

I was in a similar situation with my husband. A girl from work would call on a daily basis and it began to bother me. I mentioned to my husband on numerous occasions that I wasn't comfortable with it, and rather than stop talking to her, he started hiding the friendship from me until one day her husband came to see me at work to tell me he suspected the two of them were having an affair.

Nothing physical happened with them, and to this day he maintains that it was merely an innocent friendship, it made both her husband and I uncomfortable and I believe it was reaching the point where it was becoming an emotional affair.

I started to pay attention to phone call patterns, etc, and realized when I finally paid attention to the cell phone bill, they were talking sometimes three times a day. Not acceptable to me.

Your husband is involved in a relationship that's potentially dangerous to your marriage..he needs to stop contact with her immediately.

Don't close your eyes, and trust your gut. If it makes you uncomfortable, pay attention.

Good Luck!!!!!

And like you, jsouders, I, too always knew the whereabouts of my husband.....Thankfully I put a stop to the relationship before it went any further. They've had no contact since October outside of work. I realize they basically work side by side and can't always avoid contact, however, the out of work friendship no longer exists. There are no more cell phone calls. The sad truth is, I no longer feel safe in my marriage. I no longer feel like I'm the only woman in his life, even months after "D Day"...I feel that his friendship with this OW took a toll on our marriage, and it's going to take a long time getting over it.

Reading

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

will give you and your H insight into the dangers of relationships with 'just friends'

It explains how when walls of secrecy are built during 'just friends' relationships with the spouses on the other side of that wall which has no windows to peek in. The friendship has intimacies which the spouse isn't privy to (even when nothing is originally hid) it invites infedelity (even if it wasn't premeditated and the marriage wasn't on the rocks)

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: picklesaresour ]</small>

The late, great Dr. Glass made a brilliant analogy with that "walls and windows" stuff.

GC

I would say be very carefull. Here is another thread on this topic. This may be nothing right now, but it can turn into an affair very easily if this continues.

If it bothers you then I think you should say something. I mean the Rule of Protection says to avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.
Good luck

MIF? (whose WW started her A with a friend of the opposite sex and now we are divorcing because of it)

Jsouders,

Please listen to the people’s advice on this board – they know what they are talking about! Your instinct is telling you that this friendship is NOT acceptable and a danger to your marriage. Your H’s friendship with this woman is inappropriate because you are not included in this friendship. Please don’t ignore you gut! The book ”Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass is a very good recommendation and this article will also provide some insight into Emotional Affairs and the danger of opposite sex friendships. From my own experience and inappropriate friendship with another man (check my signature line), I have learned that opposite sex friendships is only safe and acceptable if the person is a friend of both spouses AND the marriage and if both the spouses can share time with the person. It’s also important that both spouses must feel comfortable with the person and the friendship. You are NOT comfortable with this friendship for very good reasons and your H need to respect that. I’m sure your H wouldn’t feel comfortable if you would share such a friendship and so much recreational time with another male friend.

Further, even if your husband IS totally honest and open with you about this friendship and even if their friendship haven’t progressed into an EA yet, changes are great that it will happen one or other time, especially if they spending so much time alone together. Currently your H and this woman are at risk of developing inappropriate feelings for each other. I suspect they have already became emotionally attached to each other and that’s why your H get so upset if you bring up the subject and are not willing to give up on his friendship. In her book and the article above Shirley Glass says ''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' . The same happened to me… I was platonic friends with XOM for more than 2 years before things get out of hand and I started to develop romantic feelings for him. I never acted on these feelings but me, my husband and my marriage suffered very much because of this and it took me a long time to recover and 'get over' my feelings for XOM. The same can happen to your H and this woman. Please be aware.

Suzet

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Jsouders,

I would like to pose a question to you as a friend. A friend whose own FWW suddenly had an opposite sex friend that she quickly became involved with in an EA, then a PA because I ignored the advice of others on the board.

Q) How many similar friendships do you have with opposite sex friends?

A) If the answer is none then why don't you?

My answers to this question were, none and because I knew it was wrong. This is also why your hubby may be touchy about it.

Just be very careful as I feel that you are walking a very fine line ignoring your gut and all the other signs. I hope that we are all wrong, but experience tells me that something isn't quite as it should be.