I have been lurking on this site for almost a year now, D-day was new years eve. My wife told me she was seeing someone in her bowling league. She admitted to some kissing and a EA. I am a MAJOR conflict avoider. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I think that is the one of the main things that has caused our problems.
I keep reading about how personal boundries need to be enforced. How do I go about defining my personal boundries?

I have read HNHN and surviving an affair. Have I missed something? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey Daha -

Well first of all, are you two in counseling? Has she stopped contact with the OM? I think we need to know a little more info.

There is a wonderful thread that I will bump up for you on conflict avoidance. You will find that there are a bunch of us here.

Carol

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. I'm like you, I never had any personal boundaries - didn't even know what they were.

Basically boundaries are all about what is yours and not yours. They are what you will or will not accept. You don't tell the other person what to do, only what you will not accept.

When you have no boundaries, everything that comes into your life is your problem. There is no filter. After you get boundaries developed, you realize that some things are your problem, and some are not.

Envision a fence around your personhood. Things outside of the fence are not your responsibility. Things inside the fence are.

My biggest mistake was waiting this long to post a question. Thank you Believer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We are both in counseling. At this time we are going to the same counselor seperately. I have been trying to plan A, but I have not been able to talk to her {relationship talk) about anything with out LB-ing. So until I can talk without making things worse Im keeping my mouth shut.
The problem is my resentment about how much I have given and the way she seems to feel entitled to keep going out to spend time "alone" or watching her brother bowl is just KILLING my love for her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I need to figure out how to deal with this. I wont get violent but I will leave. We have 2 great girls 6 and 9 years old who need me as much as I need them. As long as she is going to the bowling alley contact with OM is almost certain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

BTW thank you also Chackler!

Okay, you should be in Plan A right now. But it is only for the brave. It is quite difficult to do. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

I'm thinking she needs to stop bowling - or join another league at another alley. Is she willing to do that? Until all contact is broken, including just seeing the guy, it will be very difficult to recover.

How is she towards you? Is she hostile, loving, secretive, withdrawn?

Daha - I'm a TOTAL conflict avoider.

I am so into avoiding conflict that I almost did not confront my wife with her affair when I had so much proof it might have well have been in the morning papers.

It took all my courage to face it, and when I did, she used it against me - somehow justifying her affiar because it took me over a week to confront her after I found out (read my posts - look how long it took everyone here to convince me to do it).

Once I did it, things started becoming easier. I've even worked out a fairly successful Plan A - she's REALLY feeling it, and noticing what's going on, and is responding. Not as fast as I'd like, but still there's hope.

On my thread entitled "Mortarman, JL, Orchid" or something like that, you'll find a post I STOLE from ark^^ (heh heh sorry ark^^). It's called the Lighthouse - read it thru - print it out and keep it somewhere where you can read it for comfort.

It helped me see things in a new way, and it has amade a huge difference. As has Trueheart's letter.

There's a lot of good people here, and there's also the regular Joe idiots like me, stumbling along trying to do the right thing. Just stick with MB and you'll come out fine ----

David

I exposed her to her parents 2 days after d-day. For a while after that she was hostile. After her first alone session with MC she has been pleasant.
However I have not pushed any R talk 1. because I dont want to make things worse(LB). 2. She keeps seeing him. At least that is what I am forced to assume, since she spends so much time at the alley. I have no way to confirm her whereabouts while I am staying home with the kids. I am going to have a talk with her brother about this. He just went through a divorce, and is recently remarried. Side note: his divorce was not his fault. Thing is I dont see him as the guy she needs to go to for marriage advice. I will make him aware of my intention to stay married, and find out which side of the fence he is on.

Just updated my profile to include signature.

Call Jennifer @ MB for phone counseling.

Read Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson.

Reassure your children of your love. Encourage them to talk through their feelings.

Secure your finances.

Do a full background check on the OM.

I outlined this and more on another thread. I will paste it in later.

L.

Here's the list:

If you are interested, I will give a brief outline. Remember these are my suggestions..... you need advice of a professional....one you like and can trust.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. U take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.
a. Once as yourself.
b. Ask the WS to take it also.
c. If she won't, then take it the 2nd time
and answer as if you are her.

3. Get ahold of the books:
Surviving an Affair
His Needs/Her Needs both are by Dr W. Harley

Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson

READ THEM THROUGH

4. Identify your boundaries (what boils down to
hard core values/items/traits that you will or
will NOT accept in your M and family). S/b a
short list.

5. Create and identify your personal support group. C/b children, neigbhors, co-workers, relatives, minister, doctor, lawyer, teachers, pets, etc. Don't tell all to all but enough so they know how to help you. Ask for their respect before you divulge.

6. Get with a good IC/MC in your area familar with MB principals. Or better yet, call Jennifer @ MB for phone counseling. She is great. If you prefer to speak to a male counselor... Steve her brother is also available and he is great also.

7. Reassure your children of your love. Keep close tabs on them. You don't know what they are being exposed to with the OM.

8. Do a background check on the OM. See if there is anything dangerous you s/b aware of.

9. Notify children's teachers and see if the school has any counseling recommendations. Children may not want to sqeel on their mom. So their frustrations c/b introverted. Not good. Encourage them to talk their feelings out. Don't avoid this..... this is a biggie.

10. Keep a journal with dates and times. C/b used with your lawyer in case you want to file for full custody.

11. Secure your finances. Make sure she can't rip you off or is skimming away your savings and investments. My SIL took out a line of credit on their home and went on a major shopping binge. Her H can't remove her name even though that broad (yes, she is H's sister but also a wicked WS), he can't remove her name from the line of credit though she hasn't worked more than 3 months at Macy's before they were married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He is now a couple of hundred thousand in the hole.

12. Post here as needed. This is a support and venting place but does not replace the need for professional, medical and legal help.

13. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

14. Pray for patience.

15. Don't kick yourself if you take a few steps backward. Just don't fall down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />