I came to a huge decision that I have wrestled with for a while. And I am sure many other BS will go through it as well. SO, I am posting it to get feedback and suggestions.

I had to decide whether my honour and my need to pursue the military misconduct complaint further was worth my DDs financial security. THat coupled with the fact that I need to disengage from all this turmoil has forced me to "settle".

It is impossible for DD right now. WH absolutely cannot speak civilly to me. Even when I am being polite, No DJs not R talk. So, DD suffers.

So, I have signed a separation and child support agreement that will be filed next week. It was presented by an intermediary as if I presented it, it would have been automatically rejected. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

WH has agreed to both co-sign the mortgage and pay child and spousal support that is equal to a new mortgage payment. SO, DD and I will not be homeless. We will have enough money to live without fear. And that is a huge relief.

OW and WH will still have a common enemy. ME!!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want her GONE. No, I NEED her GONE! WH is still talking about joint counselling. BUt it is far more difficult with OW still in the picture.

So, how do I Plan A as WH won't even see me other than to see that I pick up DD? I do plan on asking for little things to do together. Like this weekend asking him to go out for breakfast with DD and me. He has always said no. But because the military thing is a non-issue, perhaps.

I don't want to talk R at all with him. No yet. Perhaps never.

NUTS! I am a broken record. 2x4s welcome. Slap some sense into me.

What can I do? Orchid, Pep, are you sick of this yet? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I sure am.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

FAA,

Plan A is about you, NOT the WS. Plan A does not help the WS survive nor does it always make him miss his family. WS are not programmed to miss their family. That infuriates, them. So when you see him angry, because he misses his family and that's your fault....you are doing a good plan A. Get it?

So work on you. Secure your finances, identify your boundaries, work on your inner and outer beauty spots <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , reassure your D of your love and support, ask her for hers, strengthen your personal support group, implement your boundaries..... stop worrying about what is affecting the WS, A or OP. Do what you need t/d.

My 1 boundary consisted of NOT letting any OPs in MYLIFE. Even if that meant losing a WS. What's the big deal of losing someone causing you pain? Losing my H is hurtful but losing a WS with his head stuck up his azz isn't bad. It was welcomed. Then when I was strong enough, I went to plan B.

L.

Thanks {{{Orchid}}}

I just got off the phone with WH. He was nice. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He actually gave me a break in the agreement that could have put me into a financial crisis. Medical for one. Basic in Canada is pretty inexpensive compared to the US plans. About 45 dollars a month which covers all doctor's visits, surgeries - life saving and necessary, not plastic or elective. And you can deduct drugs on your taxes above a minimum amount. BUt SInce my medications and counselling would be over 500 a month, it would be a real hardship. So, I can use that money for food and other essentials. Yay.

And he suggested the entire support payment be child support. Rather than split with spousal support. THat gives ME a huge tax break as spousal he could deduct and I would have to declare as income. Child support he cannot deduct and I do not have to declare.

So, the financial is taken care of. He has also agreed to breakfast with me and DD on Saturday to work out the minor details. So that is a first. He is voluntarily doing a family thing.

So, I will Plan A my azz off. We have the house papers to sign, the new mortgage to sign and a few odds and sods. And then, who knows? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have asked him about the counselling together to bring closure and to learn to communicate without the current resentment. I hope that happens. But there is obviously no guarantee.

BUt, after that, I can ask if he wants to come to things with me and DD. Or just me. And DD can ask if she wants him at an event or something. BUt, I won't expect it or plan on it.

I will however, ask him to come over to look after DD if I go out, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> HE can stay there while I do whatever. BUT I won't need to share what I am doing. A 180 or a Modifed Plan B? Whatever the heck it is.

I so HATE this. BUT, I have no control over his actions. Only mine. And I am trying to do what I can. I will RB if the opportunity arises.

I do know that now that I am not "pursuing" WH, the "avoider" is not running as hard. Sigh.

Lower than a slug as I try to face the unfaceable. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Am I missing anything critical?

You have a plan, that's good. Right now you are not using a 3rd party, be careful.

Probably not a good idea to push too many meetings or events with you present. Leave him to work out the visitation details with his daughter. He needs to be responsible for his own coming and goings.

Prepare your D for what she may be subjected to and let her know her rights. If she is old enough, give her a cell phone so you can always contact her.

Try not to worry about what he does. Just what he does related to family finances and your daughter. He can't handle more that that and give due attention to the A. In other words, if you play it smart, you can squeeze the life out of the A just by keeping him responsible for his obligations. Don't do it for him. Don't meet his needs.

When he acts like a WS, don't give him attention. When he is nice like your H s/b, be nice. Not mushy or gushy but nice. Civil at all times. He will notice the difference and that will smack a few sockeroos in the A. That's how I managed to send LBs through the fog without lifting a finger. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The LBs were caused between the WS and OW because then the OW will get angry that she doesn't have full control over the WS. She never really had it, the fog made her think so. Reality bites and $$ bites harder. Being a parent is hard reality. Not easy to abandon though the WS certainly try.

Use these tools to your advantage. Be a good mom and reassure your daughter of what a good parent is and that you are there for her.

Remember, you can't change or control the WS. So don't waste your time doing so.

All the best,
L.

Orchid.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now you are not using a 3rd party, be careful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YEs, I am. My friend is the one that came up with the current terms of the agreement and presented it to him last night. It was actually almost the same as what I had given to him 2 weeks ago. Minor changes only. And he refused to any of the terms simply on the grounds that I suggested it. (not that he would admit that)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably not a good idea to push too many meetings or events with you present. Leave him to work out the visitation details with his daughter. He needs to be responsible for his own coming and goings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't plan on it at all. THis is to show DD that we won't fight every time we are together. And we do have to talk at some point. THe rest? Just a goal/future plan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Prepare your D for what she may be subjected to and let her know her rights. If she is old enough, give her a cell phone so you can always contact her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows. She has the right to choose where she lives and part of the agreement is that DD decides where, when, how often she sees WH. THis is so that if he tries to introduce OW, DD can say no, I want to see only you. If htat is what she wants. SHe does now but I can't expect her to always feel that way. It is not her problem. She has a cell. I got it for her for CHristmas.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try not to worry about what he does. Just what he does related to family finances and your daughter. He can't handle more that that and give due attention to the A. In other words, if you play it smart, you can squeeze the life out of the A just by keeping him responsible for his obligations. Don't do it for him. Don't meet his needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not going to do anything. I don't want to know what he is doing. I won't deal with WH. Only DD's F and my H. IF he ever reappears.

At this point, I cannot Plan B and cannot use an intermediary until the house, new house, court papers are signed, etc. But disengage from the drama, I have, and will continue to do so. After that? Plan B.

I refuse to let this BS run my life. I am worth more than this garbage. It is WHs loss that he doesn't see it. But oh well. DD and I will survive.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Wow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> lots of changes since I talked to you a few days ago!! I'm so happy for you that things are starting to some together. You must feel as though it's one less burden to deal with.

You are doing a great job at dealing with this cr*p. The only one involved in that ugly triangle, you got sucked into, that can hold their head high is you!

You sound much more grounded and peaceful. Look after you and your daughter. Your WH will do whatever it is he is going to do...

mgm; HI, I was going to post a huge thanks for speaking to me the other day. Especially about the trying to see logic in what the WS says. It isn't so you can't. It was another light bulb moment for me. Hearing it from someone outside of the sitch helped me realize what stance I needed to take. BTW check out my DOrkism thread. The first ones I posted are what WH said the same night we talked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But, my friend talked to the WH for 4 hours yesterday. ANd ever so slightly cleared the fog enough for WH to realize that taking me to court and willing to face personal bankruptcy rather than be fair and give me what I am entitled, to was not productive and would certainly hurt DD.

So, we have a deal. I have to make very minor changes and my friend will get it signed tomorrow night. THe DOrk is actually looking forward to seeing him.

They are wonderful people. Their house is always full of fun and laughter and people and cats and dogs.

As a matter of fact, WH even during the worst times came with me once for dinner to visit them.

But honestly? I am only doing this for DDs protection and security.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>