Two days before Christmas I found an email (had bounced back because of some server problem) that declared my wife's undying love and passion for a co-worker who she has had an emotional affair with over the past 9 months. It left me absolutely gutted. I had had some suspicions, I know the guy, but whenever I had confronted her about them she had denied that anything was going on. I was totally blind to all the alarm bells that had been going off - she was dressing in much sexier clothing than she ever had before, coming home later from work some nights, etc.
Anyway I confronted her with my discovery and she told me that she wanted a divorce and had only been waiting for the Christmas holidays to be over before telling me. She told me that she loved this guy with a passion that she had never felt before but also that she still had strong feelings for me (but no passion for some years) and that is what had taken her so long to come to her decision which she had reached in November. Needless to say she was entirely shocked by my strong reaction (she was under the impression that I would understand?!) I told her how much I loved her and how important she was to me. Through a lot of discussion I realized that she had felt neglected for some years. We had been living parallel lives as our marriage councelor stated who we started to see recently (after the discovery).
I realize that I bear a lot of the fault in the cause of this affair but I also feel that she never properly communciated any of this information to me and I had assumed that we were each happy in our own way. Many friends thought that we had an ideal marriage.
To make a long story short, she agreed to stay and give us a chance for a little while after she realized how much I loved her. The problem is that even though she is no longer working where this guy works they talk to each other and occaisionly meet (they have not had sex with each other yet). I have been trying to follow some of the excellent advice that I have found in the past few days at this site but to little avail as I don't think she is very receptive to what I'm telling her as she feels that she has never loved anyone the way she loves this man and even if she fell in love with me again it would not be the same or as good. Yet she still feels a deep friendship towards me, hugs me and kisses me, though we are not sleeping together since the revelation.
Last night I found out that she had met him again and she told me that it was no use trying to work things out, she "wants to live life" and be with this guy. I begged her to stay a little longer to try to work things out, a couple more months during which time she would not talk to or see this guy - she agreed!!
I thing she is doing this just to be kind to me and has set her mind on leaving eventually. Is there any chance here for the two of us to survive this!! I am willing to make whatever changes are necessary to keep her because I love her very much. I have told her this yet she says it won't help because she can never give me what I need (she means love).

Me: 37
Her: 40
Married: 8 Years
Together: 14 Years

I'm sorry, Erik. I have been exactly where you are.

Never beg or grovel to her again. Promise! Trust me on this.

Do not try to reason with her. She's an addict.

If you want to save the marriage, then plan A.

Get ready Erik, for what could be a very long, hard slog.

email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXX if you want to talk offline. I'll edit this addy out as soon as you reply.

EDITED: Erik, I hope you come back...

GC

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Erik

It is sad that you have to seek help here, BUT yu have come to the right place ! Fellow betrayed spouses and recovered wayward spouses will all help you to rebuild your marriage if you are willing to put in the work !

It has not been so long since I was in your shoes. Here is my timeline which may help you as you reel from this shock.

Have faith - MANY couples recover using MB principals !

*** I am Bob Pure ***

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the
wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get
better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,
and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !

And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.


See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...uot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A

Your FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feeling sof addiction to teh affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.


Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawal

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=034754#000000


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

as a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than i could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking mor eblame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

Erik, you have come to a good place for help.

Your sitch, unfortunately, is typical of most WS's here.

First thing first, what she is saying to you is pure hogwash, commonly known as fog on this board. Don't listen to it, don't believe it. It is I hard, I know, it can strike deep.

Second, Bob here has set you up pretty well with a reference library. I'll add another link http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=26&t=000016 (thanks to TooMuchCoffeeMan) with some useful info.

Finally, you need to be mentally prepared to learn that this EA may be a PA. Prepare yourself for this. Unfortunately, your WW will lie to you about this.

Someone more skilled will be along to help you. In the meantime, read all you can.

Graycloud, Bob Pure, Ironhead thank you very much for the supportive words and advice. It's going to take me awhile to read through all of your threads Bob but I can see that my pain right now is certainly not unique.
If it takes me awhile to reply to some of your posts it is because I live in a different time zone. I'm a Yank working in Austria.
Anyway last night was pretty rough I was doing a lot of reasoning with my wife as we had just come out of our first joint counseling session, the prior ones had been one on one. It was a very tramatic experience with a lot of tears on both sides and the counselor (who told me she is very pro-marriage)asked us to be kind and honest with each other which I took as an opportunity to ask my wife all the questions about the other guy and our relationship that I really shouldn't have. And the more I asked without getting any answers out of her, I was trying to get her to see that it was possible to find love for one another again, not right away but someday. She just kept saying, I don't know I don't think so.
Then I pushed her by saying I couldn't go through with this pain that it was eating me up that she needed to make a choice, she wouldn't answer that question either because she said she didn't want to hurt me.
After I got up this morning I realized how all those questions had been a mistake but it is so hard for me not to go down that path as my self-esteem has been pretty much shattered by this whole affair. But I will try. Your posts this morning were really helpful. I need to pull back a little, see this love affair as the addiction it is and focus on strengthening myself if I am going to be able to help us as a couple.
I read somewhere that there is a right way and a wrong way to expose knowledge of an affair. I'm not sure if I did the right thing, can someone point me in the direction of that post or article so I can see if I was entirely off course or not.
Bob - the thought of suicide crosses everybodies mind in a situation like this. It crossed mine, though it was more a cry for help than any real intention to follow through with it. I'm trying to tell myself that I will come out of this a winner no matter what happens, and either way I will have learnt some important lessons for relationships and marriages, of course it is my greatest hope that my wife and I can profit from this.

Hi Erik !

I know , my post is a library more than a book. Som useful stuff in it though, the folks on here have been wonderful !

I am an Englishman with an EMEA travelling job and I have to go to Vienna occasionally. Great schitzel and coffee !.

Be calm, look after yourself and study. you CAN do this !

Dear Erik.
A big important factor for taking the FUN OUT OF THE AFFAIR is that it is no longer a 'fantasy secret' and you now know.

Erik, I am SO VERY SORRY for your pain.

I have discovered that often when our mates have the fear that they just might lose us to someone else, they make a 180 degree turn around.

Right now, your WW thinks she has you around her little finger but if she thought she might really lose you for good, from her life, she might make a u-turn back.

I'm not saying, make her think YOU are interested in someone else, I am just saying that OFTEN is the 'wake-up call' to a relationship.

I am sure you feel like YOU have sure 'woke up' and will no longer take your wife or marriage for granted, right friend?

Hang in there, and as I keep saying...TIME IS THE GREAT HEALER, and it takes lots and lots of time before that lump in your stomach, that thing that makes it difficult to swallow, goes away.

But here is a promise.
IT DOES GO AWAY.

And it takes TIME for our mates to get over this addiction to another person that is making them feel young and alive and wanted and special and so on...(This high feeling of 'NEW LOVE'.)

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(Just be thankful you are HERE as it is a GOOD place to be, everyone here will help you SO MUCH during these next months.)

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Erik-

Sorry you are going through this, but you've come to the right place.

BobPure-I wanted to thank you for your post to Erik, I've never seen your story, (Now I know what all the hub bub is about..lol)but I appreciated you putting all together like you did, I am sure it will be helpful to Erik, and as an extra added bonus, it gives me some solace.

-Caren

I think I lost my last post, long one too, how frustrating! Wanted to thank Julie and Caren for their words of encouragement.
Julie I'm not sure that "your fun of the affair" comment applies to me as my wife wanted to reveal the affair and ask for a divorce just after the holidays. But I am sure that in many cases it is true. What did strike me was that stuff about coming around 180 degrees. One week after DDay I walked out the door to spend some time with my brother after I thought that our marriage was over and there was nothing I could do. When I returned home my wife said she wanted to give us a chance, she had been thinking about what I had said about how I loved her and had made mistakes by taking her for granted in many ways. Well I was thrilled and set out to do my best to meet her emotional needs before I had even read about the concept, I probably inserted to many love busters however as I kept questioning her affair. Anyway she kept in contact with the OM and also saw him a few times because she said it felt so good. I am begining to understand the addict reaction.
My concern is that my wife has a bit of an addictive personality, she always focused her life around me and a few other activities that didn't evolve other people (reading, etc.) Now she has replaced the OM with me as the focus of her life, I'm worried that unlike in other peoples cases she may cling to this affair much more because of her personality. She has experienced some tough times in the past few years with the death of her mother and some unemployement. She took anti-depressants to deal with the death of her mother and is now taking them again (about 3 months prior to DDay) in order to cope with the pain she was having in trying to decide between me and the OM. She told our MC that she had wished that the OM's plane would crash when he went on a business trip because that would solve her problems for her. She is so torn and has a very fragile personality, I am worried about her. Also worried that she will take choose the OM in this case because of the addict effect. I love her and worry about her and despite the immense pain it would cause me I would be tempted to let her go if I felt she was really breaking apart. Any experience with this type of thing?

Julie - I would never take my wife for granted again, this has been an immense eye-opener for me. I was not even aware of the mistakes I was making in failing to provide for her emotional needs, I feel like a total failure as a husband.

I would like to confess that a little over 10 years ago before I was married to my wife but we were together at the time I had an affair with a single woman that lasted about 2 weeks. It was a reaction to problems I was have with my wife at the time, I was striking out at her in some way. Anyway I felt terribly guilty and uncomfortable about the entire thing and confessed it to my wife as she was the one that I was really in love with. She was able to forgive me though I know I hurt her. There were now withdrawal symptoms for me at the time, as I was simply overjoyed that I had not destroyed my relationship. I saw the OW occasionly thereafter as she was a friend of a friend but was never tempted to do anything again. I have never strayed from my wife since that time. It is not worth the pain and suffering for the momentary excitement.

Dear Erik.
You and this recent heartache, you are going through, have been on my mind, OFTEN.

I wish I could give you some magic words to make it ALL BETTER and your marriage the way it was in the early happy years before the affair.

Since that can't happen, you have to go to 'next' in life, right?

Just know, Erik, your wife's actions are in NO WAY YOUR FAULT....NONE WHATSOEVER....Each person is accountable for their own actions; we are NOT accountable for our mates actions.

I hate to admit this, but I was in a similar place as your wife's addictive attraction to another man, many years ago.(Did not go to bed with the man,(a single friend I have known since grade school) it was mostly he filled an emotional need but there were hugs and kisses and several secret meetings!)

So I do understand her foggy thinking of wanting this 'high' of someone else desiring her and giving her this attention...It is a similar feeling to when we first fall in love and it is a mighty BIG emotion, that is for sure.

It is like our moral right and wrong get way-layed and we become just ourself (extremely selfish) and don't even think we might hurt our husband with our actions. (FOGGY SELFISH THINKING)

I believe that there is nothing you could have done to have prevented your wife's infatuation and being smitten with another man.

Remember this Erik, affairs happen, even in NEARLY IDEAL marriages.

By the way, is the other man single or married with a family?

I want to say more, but will start another post, this one is getting long.

I CARE about you and your wife....Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Erik, I wonder if you realize that RIGHT NOW, you are still in a state of shock?

What you don't realize is that in TIME this horrible ache will go away; one morning you will wake up and actually be hungry for breakfast....That lump in the pit of your stomach will be gone!

And that strange sensation is an ACTUAL FEELING almost undescribable but we've all had it!

Have you ever lost anyone dear to you to death? Remember that deep void you felt? And how TIME helped take the pain away?

This pain, believe it or not, WILL PASS!
I've been there just 1 1/2 years ago when my H betrayed me with a younger lady so I KNOW!

Whether you and your wife work things out or whether you don't; everything will be OK.
No one but God knows what HIS PLANS for your life are.

Sometimes all you can do is go on with your life the BEST you can, and that is what you are doing.

Sincerely and caringly, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Julie,

Thank you for all your precious comments and moral support. I do realize that I am still in a state of shock and I think that my wife is in the fog as everybody points out. I just hope that she can come out of it and still find it in her heart to stay with me and work together on strenghening our marriage.
I know what loss is like and the grieving that one needs to go through before things improve, however right now we are in that limbo where things could go either way. I don't think the healing can begin until you know what direction your life is going to take. Until that becomes clear I don't think that knot in my stomach will dissapear.
Though my wife has agreed to giving us a two month trial period without any contact to the OM, so she can work through her feelings of "guilt", I'm not sure what that means I get different explanations or none at all from her on that topic. We seem to do very well when we are together and don't talk about our marriage or the affair. We are able to laugh sometimes, talk and even hug with some small kisses. On the other hand she has taken down all pictures of the two of us packed away any jewelry that I have ever given her, just wears the stuff that she has bought herself. I feel as though she is slowly removing me from her life even as she remains very friendly with me? I'm not sure how to understand that; is it fog or has she made up her mind or does she need some downtime, I just don't know?
You asked about the OM, he is single and 34, two years younger than me and six years younger than my wife. He has a slightly better paying job than I do but nothing significant. I don't claim to be a good judge of other men but from what my friends say he certaily isn't physically more attractive than I am which means that it boils down to the emotional aspects. I mentioned earlier that he has a tendency to mess around with married women or women in relationships. I don't trust his intentions but I have no doubt that he has promised her the world.
So it's plan A right now.
Erik

Hi Erik,

Well I too am sad that you here and I have to meet you like this. As you have pretty much gathered you are not alone in all this mess and there are many fine people here that can help you. The ball is in your court. Plan A to the best of your ability. Don't talk to your WW about her afair right now... just be her best friend/husband and show her the best side of you that you possibly can.

On the flip side, don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Take her actions and weigh those and see what your gut tells you. You know your WW better than us here so it's going to be up to you to decide on how to take the advice that you are given and apply it to your situation.

Have you exposed your WW's A to all the people that have influence over your WW. If not do it NOW. That is the absolute first step. EXPOSE!!!

Native

That is strange, I was moving this thread up for more HELP from MB friends for Erik, not realizing you had posted.

Erik, what a nice guy you are and I feel SO SAD that you are having this grief in your life.

You have had some caring replies from some caring Marriage Builder friends.

Bob, your message took a lot of effort to write and surely helped Erik immensely since you have some understanding of a WW.

Hang in there, Erik, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and someday you will be feeling SO MUCH BETTER than you are right now.

Julie Jo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>