I'm a serviceman who found out about W's 9 mo long A two weeks ago. She said she loves the OM but loves me more and we're trying hard to work through this, so far no LBs. She is still going thru withdrawal but seems to have been very honest w/ me since I discovered it. She's struggling with NC.
Unfortunately, I have to leave soon on my ship and be gone until early Apr (mil orders, no choice). Any suggestions for keeping her strong and committed, as I think she wants to be? We can email but calls will be very few & far between. I'm worried/scared she'll slip back w/ him. BTW, this OM is a retired mil officer (w/ obviously no honor). I told his W about the A a few days ago.
Suggestions anyone??

BS 40 (mil officer)
WS 37
M 14 yrs, known for 18 yrs
Kids DS 11 & DD 8
D-day 19 Jan 05

No Way.

See if you can convince your wife to come here for comfort and guidance. There are people here that can take her under-wing.

All the best,
Gimble

No Way, there are several people on this board in the military hopefully they will reach out to you. Have you read the basic concepts, plan A etc? Have you or you WW read His Needs Her Needs or Torn Assunder or Surviving An Affair? Do you know what was missing in your M that your WW can identify? Sorry for your situation and thank you for being on of the brave that protects our country. God bless you.

No Way

I am sorry the reason you are here but I am glad you came over here. I know the ones with better advice will be along to help you out. I wanted to say I'm glad you told the OM wife. What was her reaction? Is she willing to work on her marriage?

You said your wife has someone at church she is working with. Will they continue walking with her while you are gone? I wish I knew how to help you, what I did for my husband was pray and to support him. That was the only thing I could do from a distance.

Some things I might suggest as a military wife and I may be way off base the others will say something if I am. Write letters to your wife while you are gone. I miss the letters now that we have email. Buy some cards and maybe fill one out before you leave. Put one in the mail the day before you leave at the post office. Maybe give some to someone at church and ask them to mail them to her if you have limited access. Set up ecards before you go that will be in her email. Encourage her. Have flowers delivered to her while you are gone. Help her feel like she is important in your life just as the Navy is. I had some more but I just heard the kids poor a ton of toys out of a container and I lost all my thoughts and one of my oldest daughters just poured ice water on her sister while in the shower. You may already do some of these things and if you do, pray and pray some more. Believe that God can bring your wife back to you. I've seen an incredible change in my spouse and it is not from anything I did it was all God. Give your wife to God.

No Way,

Gimble is right, see if you can get her to come here, we can help her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Also, by telling the OM's wife, you've probably gone a long way towards stopping the A, IMO.

Sorry that you are going through this, but glad you're here.

-Caren

Hey No Way,

I deployed to Kosovo on 15 Sep 01 right after 9/11 for a 6 month tour. My team mobilized last year on 27 Feb... we fly out of here (Afghanistan) around the end of April...

I think that informing the OM's wife of the A will really help keep this OM away from your W. And I agree with you... what a dirt-bag sorry excuse for an officer...

Now, as for things that you can do while you're deployed. First off, you're going to have to really go against your natural instincts. Your instincts will tell you that you need to "check up" on her... that you need to have people watching her... that you must grill her every time that you communicate with her... If at all possible, please find a good pro-marriage MC and start going with your W BEFORE you deploye... hopefully, your W will continue with MC while you are at sea...

I know that you probably already know this, but you can't control what she does even when you're on shore, much less while you're at sea... You need to give your W a REASON to WANT to contact you... she's not going to WANT to contact you if you're constantly asking her questions or saying hurtful, sarcastic things to her...

Read up on Plan-A and try to see how you can incorporate some of those actions while you're deployed.

For me, here's what I've been doing and it works really well for us:

1) Try to be as up-beat and positive about the situation. Don't hide things, and you still need to be truthfull with her, but try to spin all of your conversations/e-mails in a positive light.

2) Look for ways to complement your W... Tell her that you're proud of her for doing something good.

3) If she does something that you don't agree with, or something that makes you angry, wait at least one full day before firing off an e-mail... If you shoot from the hip, you're probably going to end up eating crow... give yourself some time to cool down before trying to engage her and remember Item #1) when you do send that e-mail! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope this helps... if you need to contact me while you're at sea, my e-mail address is rif902000@yahoo.com

Semper Fi,
RIF

No way,

Set up and account at the post/base flower shop and have them deliver flowers either on a certain date each month or just pick dates radomnly and have something sent to her. Write out your own cards, so she has something with your script on it. Make them meaningful, personal, tell her how much you love her and care for her since you won't be there. This will go along way as you put time and thought into this before deploying, not just grabbed a bouquet at the grocery store or gas station on your way home.

Have the chaplain check in on her. Make sure she has other spouses to go and do things with so that she is not tempted when she is down or lonely. Write a book of poetry or journal entries to leave with her as to how important she is to you.

Leave her some gift cards for a nice restaurant or two so that her and the kids can go out to eat.

Tape or place notes all over the house so that she will find them at random times and think of you even though you are not there. Leave a voice mail when you know she won't be there, so that she can play it back and listen to it when she wants or needs too.

Yes I was married to military for 21 years, the last 15 he had been gone an average of 2 weeks out of every month. Go figure he had an emotional affair long distance with the old HS GF.

Anyways God speed to you as you serve our country, and thank you!!! I am sorry that you are having to go thru an affair on top of what you are already giving up!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No way,

Set up and account at the post/base flower shop and have them deliver flowers either on a certain date each month or just pick dates radomnly and have something sent to her. Write out your own cards, so she has something with your script on it. Make them meaningful, personal, tell her how much you love her and care for her since you won't be there. This will go along way as you put time and thought into this before deploying, not just grabbed a bouquet at the grocery store or gas station on your way home.

Have the chaplain check in on her. Make sure she has other spouses to go and do things with so that she is not tempted when she is down or lonely. Write a book of poetry or journal entries to leave with her as to how important she is to you.

Leave her some gift cards for a nice restaurant or two so that her and the kids can go out to eat.

Tape or place notes all over the house so that she will find them at random times and think of you even though you are not there. Leave a voice mail when you know she won't be there, so that she can play it back and listen to it when she wants or needs too.

Yes I was married to military for 21 years, the last 15 he had been gone an average of 2 weeks out of every month. Go figure he had an emotional affair long distance with the old HS GF.

Anyways God speed to you as you serve our country, and thank you!!! I am sorry that you are having to go thru an affair on top of what you are already giving up!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You guys are great, thanks for the suggestions! I've told my W my name here and encouraged her to come to the forum. She already read SAA and is seeing a MC, we also went together. Ultimately, she'll have to struggle with her feelings and strong desire to contact the OM. As much nice stuff as I'm doing (and it comes from the heart), it will really depend on her strength and she's pretty low right now. Just a very bad time to leave, I'm praying for her and us.

Hey No Way -

See if your W would be willing to post here... there are some great ladies that are more than willing to help her...

One of the 'hard' things when dealing with all of this affair 'stuff' is the feeling that you are the only one going through it... if she will post here, she will at least be able to 'talk' with others from both sides of the affair fence... and hopefully, it will help her as she sorts out her issues...

Semper Fi,
RIF