K,

I'm sorry - but not surprised - to hear that things aren't getting any better.

IMO, you've got nothign to lose at this point, except a bad marriage. It's time to get tough with your H. You told him last year that he had until the end of March to shape up. Remind him of that deadline - and let him know that if things aren't better, you'll consider all of your options, including possibly divorce.

There is no reason for your H to be out all night with the "boys." No reason at all.

KMEJ... Cherished said it, noodle said it, CV55 said it, now I'll say it. You are being abused. It's emotional, with the deleted cell phone calls, the neglect of you on his day off, and, well, just his general crummy attitude and immaturity. But it's also physical, with the marital rape incidents. Check with family, check with friends, contact your local human services or abused women's advocacy group and get the he11 out of there. Or better yet, kick him to the curb. There are resources out there for people in your sitch. You should learn about them and use them.

No one, I repeat NO ONE, deserves to be treated like that. You've hung in there long enough and it's time to stop being treated like a doormat. You can do better.

I never said it was marital rape.

KMEJ,

Take a loog at Deeply Sorry and Sprint's post on Bob Pure's thread. Last page or 1 before it. It is very good. DS is the Xws and Sprint is the BS. DS has been posting here longer.

Also see if your H will read Trueheart's letter. You can find that link in my sig line. His reactions to both those posts will help you see where his mind and heart are at and then you can figure out where you need t/b.

This may help you out of your current rut.

I certainly understand how you are feeling. I w/b also. But there are things you can do for you. Check out those posts and let us know how we can help.

take care,
L.

KMEJ,

What you described WAS marital rape, whether you said it or not.

I htink your concept of "normal" has been skewed to such a degree that you no longer recognize foul play when you experience it.

Noodle

I wish I knew what was going on. Called H's cell several times today, he does not answer-- so I call him at home, ask why he has not answered- he snaps at me something about not knowing our home number, I ask what is wrong, got another snap. Everything I said and did I got snaped at, no matter how chipper I attempted to be. I asked him what was wrong- another snap "NOTHING". All answers were one word and to the point.

I hate it when he is in this mood- it scares me. I have no control, I do not know what he will do or say. Part of me wants to run home and find out what is going on but that would anger him further.

What if he is reading this post, and has found it offensive? I am not trying to make him out to be this horrible guy I am just trying to understand me and what I can do to better myself and get through this.

What am I to do now. Sinking feeling. KMEJ messed up again. Just do not know what I did this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Okay now I am mad at myself. Here I go again giving H's moods so much power. I really need to grow a spine and stop shouldering so much responsibilty and blame that is not mine!

Kmej,

Maybe the A thingy has him having PMS (periodic mental snap). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are trying to hard. Limit your calls to 1 call, leave a msg. He will babbble a spew of excuses if he is up to no good or can't handle your questions. So it ISN'T your fault. oK?

Learn to deal with less, give less, get less. For now. Pull back K, it is for your health. When you feel anxious, practice those breathing exercises I wrote about. Carry that lavendar bottle with you. Sniff gently. It's not addicting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> There is an orange type oil good for calming a person. Check out the aromathrapy section at your local healthfood store or a bath/body type shop.

I bought a packet of oils in small vials once and used it in meetings with mgrs who would come to my desk irrate. I asked them to sniff before we talked. LOL!!!! It worked!! Even got them to smile.

Hugz,
L.

KMEJ,

How are you doing?

L.

KMEJ,
I was also wondering how you were doing.

What I see with you is that there doesn't seem to be much resliency left. You are allowing your health to deteriorate. If your H does turn around and decide to try counseling, are you going to have the stamina to go through it? You are expending energy now when he's not ready.

I wish you could find a way to get him out of the house.

Cherished

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I am really sorry to hear of your situation.I am in much the same situation.I am not very good at handling things either.My husband had an affair ,we separated for a while and he came back but things are no better.But I have tried looking at him in a disgusting way.I have to do right by my kids and myself.Get some support from friends and family.Go to counselling.You have to believe that you are a good person that deserves to be treated with consideration and love.Find some strenghth from somewhere.Email me if you like heather600042@hotmail.com and I will write you back.Maybe we can help each other.Take care Heather

Kmej,

How are you doing today?

L.

To be honest I am not doing well. I just spent the last 45 minutes trying to get my computer to acess here so I could post. I sat here crying because I feel so low today.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to get something so I just do not feel anymore. I want to just go numb. I am tired of crying, I have cried most of last night and today- to myself, the quiet cry with only a few tears at a time, easy enough to hide.

I took my kids to church this morning hopeing to find some inner peace there, I cried. That was after getting passed a ticked off H because I was not going to a church of his likeing- I told him he never goes with me and I wanted to try a new church. He said I did not make any since and stopped talking to me.

Last night we watched Closer with Julia Roberts, I begged with him to stop watching it, it was far too painful- it is a movie about an affair and it showed such raw emotion, such real emotion it brought back so much pain. H laughed because he did not understand how a movie could cause me to curl up in the fetal posistion and bring tears. Finally about 3/4 the way he changed the movie. However he changed it to something x-rated. WE watched it for a while, he kissed me then asked for OS- I stated okay but that I wanted something in return. Well he finished and he left the room, I got nothing except extreme saddness and hurt for feeling used- I felt like I should just as well make the stupid movies because then I would be getting SOMETHING out of the deal.

I fell asleep with out being touched, told H I loved him and got a Hmm. Woke up even sadder- having a very hard hard day. Continued crying.

H called me from work to see how I was doing- said he noticed I was sad this morning- yet did not mention that to me this morning, nor did he give me a hug or say good bye. I think he means well but does not realize the pain I am in, or how degradeing and rude he treats me.

I really just want to go numb. I want to stop feeling. I can not handle it anymore. My auto pilot is not running well anymore, and I am tired of faking it.

Now you know how I feel. Wish I had a better update for you.

I will check in a little later, I need to get the house clean now.

Kmej,

Your current experience reminded me of when I felt used as such. Very similar.....give into Xws needs and I got short changed. Talk about angry.....the scarier part was what was running through my head. I wanted him to hurt worse than I was. More than a dj or lb every c/b. The pain was intense. I did not hide it from him. I wanted him to see and feel it.

I did not do anything stupid but I did not hide it either. Told him if he was ok with me being miserable, then he needed to enjoy the fruitage of his efforts. I let him see me cry. Asked if that boost his ego at my expense.

That put a hole through the fog that never closed. For that piece of honesty and temporary hurt, I was glad.

From that point on, it was hard for him to hurt me since I had painted in his mind that it meant he enjoyed giving me pain.

JMHO,
L.

KMEJ,
If medication helps you tolerate what you need to learn to not tolerate, it's not helpful in the long run. Does your family know that your H has been physically abusive and unfaithful? If they did, they may well go to extreme lengths to help you remove yourself. It's in your best interest but it's also in the best interest of their three grandsons.

I know it was hard for me to tell my family. I told them when I was close to a nervous breakdown, on the day the A was exposed. But in the long run it was for the best. I still decided to stay with my H to try to work things out, but they did offer a way out if I decided to leave.

You need options. Your H needs to know you have options.

Cherished

Orchid-
If H knows I am crying or upset he turns it around on me and makes me feel even worse. He does not feel he does anything wrong- or not much wrong and when he admits mistake it is always followed with a But you..... . I feel I am always defending myself.

Cherished-
My family is aware of what has happened during our seperation and that is all. As far as they know we are doing pretty well right now, because I do not let the other side show very often if at all to them. It is easier to run and hide and pretend it is not happening to the rest of the world then it is to face it head on. I could possibly go stay with my mom for a little while if I needed to leave- however I need a place to go which does not include taking DS8 out of his school- which is very important to him.

I really want to just go numb. I have my kids so I have resisted the strong desire to drink- and I have not drank in MONTHS. I can not take the pain and the rejections any longer. The look of emptiness in H's eyes when he looks at me. The lack of tenderness in his touch. The flatness of his voice.

Tears again. I hate crying and yet I have not been able to stop. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It really sucks feeling the person you love does not love you back. they occasionally say that they do however you know they are empty words. You sit here wondering when the next affair will be- knowing if it is not already happening it most likely will soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

also- not that it makes much different but H has not been physically abuseive in months- now it is just verbal and neglect of my very basic needs. Looking at his parents I wonder if he knows any different. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Kmej,

Physical, verbal, mental, emotional abuse are all forms of abuse. Just because it has changed types does not make it ok. You are showing signs of wear even with what you used to absorb in the past. That s/b a warning sign to you.

If he can not see your pain and provide humane support, then you should work with your counsel (mc/IC and doctors), to seek out another way to move forward.

My h's family was very bad in this area. H had to learn himself to break that vicious cycle of abuse and blame. He did, almost at the loss of his family. Sometimes the WS do take it to the edge and even cross the line. Only you can determine if he has already crossed that line. If he has, gather the support you have to help you move forward. If he hasn't but very near it, again gather your support and let them tell him for you if possible. Each effort requires you address it and move forward.

Hugz,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are showing signs of wear even with what you used to absorb in the past. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean by that?

Kmej,

You stated before how you have put up with his various types of abuse. Now it is verbal. You also stated you are not doing well. I understand. As time goes on, the BS' tolerance level goes down. That also means that if left unchecked depression could go up.

Non-tolerance policy without a plan is not a safe place t/b. BS Non-tolerance invites agression from the WS. That is one reason why plan B is effective. It creates a no tolerance environment with a plan.

L.