{{{FL}}} I saw you post that you need a hug. Wanna talk?

Hey FL - I'll be here all day (probably night for you)... give us a shout if we can help you with anything!

Semper Fi,
RIF

^^FL, you ok?

hi, i've been better. thanks for this post. i didn't see it till just now. i just ranted in pep's thread. not much more to say. i'm not a happy camper. i had two days off (cuz i worked 8 hr sunday night and then put in a 16 hr day on monday), i knew i would have long lab hrs today and friday so i stayed home the last two days, two days with the kids in school, a nice opportunity for H and i. wasted. worse than wasted. although he did tell me this morning that he is sure he will have a better day today. hmmm, i'm going to be at work for many hrs today, coincidence?

i'm very much stuck in the poor me attitude right now. and although i know that attitude will not help me one little bit, i seem bent on staying that way. should i put a rubberband around my wrist and snap it non-stop?

don't give me sympathy, what i really need is a 2x4 to stop acting like such a baby. own up to the fact that i made this situation and just buck up and deal with it.

i thought i would copy this in here too, i just posted this in pep's thread....

ok, i just said the Lord's prayer and i thought about Him holding me in the palm of His hand, and saying i am His child and i am loved and i am not junk. and i have the strenght inside me to not run and hide away. and those are better thoughts to focus on than what my previous post was focusing on.

i'm not a quiter. that i can say with total confidence. when i set my mind to something, i do it. historically i have only applied that strenght to school and work type things. not in a relationship scenerio. seems like a good strength to use more often. which means i have to, no matter what, tell my husband i am with him cuz i love him, whether he believes it or not, even though i have done all that i have done. and that i am working hard on myself so that my actions now reflect my love for him and not my fears of being hurt or rejected or unloved in return. he says he feels meaningless to me, cuz i have not worked on losing weight like he has asked. when i refer to the changes in me that i feel i have made, he says that is not for him, that is for me. that does not show him i love him. i told him that yes, it is true, dealing with my internal issues benefits me but working on being a better me is totally for him too. i can't say it is exclusively for him, of course it is for me too. same thing would hold true for losing weight. does he really want to say to me that losing weight is more important than all i have been working on. how does he not see how hard this has been?? how does that not mean anything to him??

ok, i've strayed away from my focus on leaning on my faith again.

maybe it is time to get to the lab now.

i'm really all over the place today.

Hey FL -

Ok... I read your post here and the one on Pep's page...

***Twhack*** (that was a 2x4 BTW)

So when is a good T2M ???

If not today, then when???

Semper Fi,
RIF

next week sound ok?

ok, i was being a smart-aleck, and i was just trying to lighten me up a bit. unfortunately when i read my smart-aleck post, it didn't even make me smile like it was supposed to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

today is a good day to mature RIF. today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning-T2M:
<strong> today is a good day to mature RIF. today. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now THATS the FL-2TM that we all know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FL, here is my perspective on the weight thing. Men are very visually oriented. To lose weight and get in shape for your H would be very concrete that you are putting actions behind your words. I also think it would boost your self confidence, so a bonus for you both. The work inside does benefit him because it means you won't stray again and you will be the woman you both desire you to be, but that is not tangible in the way looks are. KWIM? Fl, do you have Curves near you? Only 30 minutes for the workout and anyone can do it. Then with a sensible diet you will see results and feel good too. I will go read Pep's thread. {{FL}} You have helped me soooo much, I want to repay you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

so what is the mature thing to do today?

forget about what was said between us the last two days? be cheerful on the phone? ask him how his day is? wish him and the kids a nice evening? and then offer him another back rub once i get home tonight (he did no accept the last one)?

i could do that but how do i stop my self from thinking "WHAT ABOUT ME????"

that is what i have to focus on changing. i have to see that giving love IS for me. not just for the person i am giving it to. i mean, i do enjoy giving, i always have, in what ever the circumstance, i enjoy being helpful, but then i get to a point where i do get stuck on "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME??"

and right now i'm thinking... read some of your own posts from a few days ago, when you wrote about how kind your H has been, even though he has been hurt so bad. that is 100% for me. so what is my problem.

i think one thing that is very hard on me is when H's is hurting, he does not want comfort from me, he just wants to be left alone. and if that is what he needs, i should just give him that. but that seems so wrong to me!! i just don't get it. and yet i don't have to understand what he needs in order to choose to give it to him anyway. it just seems so backwards to me. when i am hurting especially about something between us, i just want him to hold me and i want to be so close to him. at least that is what i believe i want inside. but i'm not sure i can say i make that very clear to him on the outside.

ok, now i am back to UGHHHH!!! and now i am an hour late for lab too!!!

thanks ff. i have a gym facility available to me right here at work. i just have not been getting down to it since before xmas.

i miss the nice weather, i ride my bike a lot in the summer and i like to jog outside at night in the summer, probably sounds odd, but i like to jog in the dark.

FL, I am learning to respect my H when he wants to be left alone. Our pattern was he was running while I was pursuing. We are changing that life lone pattern and with really nice results. I try to respect his space and he trys to not shut down on me. The biggest issue with us right now is no SF since DDay. He told me last night he cant talk to me about it so I assume it is really gonna hurt me. I offered up him going to our MC alone one session since he trusts her. He liked that idea.

FL, what about me got me into an A. I know you won't go there again, but the one person in your life that loves you unconditionally is Jesus. Let him love you when you don't feel worthy. You are perfect in His eyes. Let me know if you get to a point that you want to take this off the boards and I will give you my addy.

Hugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what i really need is a 2x4 to stop acting like such a baby. own up to the fact that i made this situation and just buck up and deal with it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since you asked: ***Whack***

Didn't hear you ask for this, but
{{{{{ FinallyLearning-M2M }}}}}

Hope things are getting better. It's a long process and you've been in my prayers, in fact all here are. If you need, you can still email NOW*.

RH

Hi RH. thanks for the post. i'm still at work. a bit better but i fear i will get cranky again if i stop thinking about work issues and think about home.

H is in a fine mood now. the baby in me wants to say, that must be cuz we have been apart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i know that is a disrespectful judgement, so i'm not allowed to say that to him but how do i keep myself from thinking it.

and i guess i am cranky cuz the more i think about it the more i am insulted that he would say i have not been doing anything for him. and i am between wondering how in the world can he say that or is he right??

how is NOW? i have not tried to email her again lately. i was not sure if she reads email much. i think i sent one that never got responded to so i came back to just posting here. tell her HI for me, i'll send her an email again when i am back at my desk. maybe you can let her know to check it. thanks.

Hi Faith, i just did some reading of a few pages back cuz i saw something that eluded to the fact that you did not have a good day. so i saw how you dreamed about OM. i dreamed something very similar a few days ago too.

it was weird, somehow he and i were staying at the same place, like we were both borders at some home. and his room was across from mine. i did not seek him out but i wanted to. then he came over to my room and i woke up and i had to really fight the urge to go back to sleep and just let the dream progress. i got up instead and went to work early (this was after only 3 hrs of sleep and i ended up having a 16hr day in the lab!!) not good.

the next two days i took off cuz i needed to catch up and i knew today and friday would be long days in the lab again.

my H got up to get the kids to school but instead of coming back to bed, he went to sleep on the couch. so i woke up alone and a bit bummed. i didn't say anything to him but stayed quiet and let him sleep until he was ready to get up. when he woke up later, he said he didn't want to wake me, but as the day progressed and he was so quite, he finally admitted he was having a bad day but he didn't know what he wanted from me. he had been thinking a lot about everything and he just could not see how i could of done all that stuff. the next day was not so great either. today i went to work and he is in a better mood. i don't know how i'm feeling, i'm still all over the place.

i'm trying really hard not to cop out and use old escaping methods so i can quit working on me. i don't feel like i am being 100% successful, but i do think i am doing better than i normally would be.

i am rambling, i wanted to say hi, see if you were any better today. i'm leaving shortly but i'll be back pretty early in the day tommorow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he finally admitted he was having a bad day but he didn't know what he wanted from me. he had been thinking a lot about everything and he just could not see how i could of done all that stuff. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's going to take some time for him to 'digest' everything... that's why, IMHO, it's so critical for you guys to find a good MC...

Semper Fi,
RIF

i know, i was just thinking that again as i was walking back to my office, but he is really NOT interested. if fear if i ask him too often, he'll get mad.

so i feel like i have to navigate us thru this but i'm really not capable of doing that!!!!!

i am capable however of going home now and being pleasant and letting us just be ok for now again.

be back early in the am. nite

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning-T2M:
<strong> if fear if i ask him too often, he'll get mad. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL - So he gets mad... what's going to happen if you both do nothing? I think I'd be willing to risk him getting mad versus having an unfullfilling M...

My W and I lived for 10 years with 'doing nothing' and our M showed it... Oh, things seemed to get better at times, but until we dealt with all of the issues from our past, we were just plain stuck.

This is a great place for support and a great place to vent... but it doesn't replace professional MC.

Semper Fi,
RIF

FL, my H resisted MC for a long time but one condition after his 2nd A was MC. We have been going for 9 months now. May I recommend a book you may want to read? It is called Safe Haven Marriage by Hart and Morris. Our MC gave me a copy. Anyway, check in and let us know how you are. Oh and I am feeling a tad better but am going to tell my H about the dream. I just don't look forward to it.