A new twist to this bizzare tale.

Several family and friends have indicated that they are not really thrilled about the Joint MC (JMC) sessions.

The basic theme goes along the lines that "once a cheater, always a cheater" although this has not been stated that that bluntly.

The other view is that nothing has really changed and WS is proably using me to get her old life style back. Once back in her clutches, things will go back to how they were.

Whilst I don't entirely disagree, as I have said all along, I am attending JMC to see where it leads and to at least get some closure, even if that's all that is salvaged.

An open mind is sometimes hard to maintain huh!!

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

You know I think what you and your wife do is really no one else's business. You two will heal but stay away from negative advice. This is the time for support not negatvities. Just my two cents.

RM,

This is very common. You can not ask people to support you in making what they believe to be a mistake. You can however, ask that they respect your decisions.

And that's about it. It is not your job to convince them..nor their job to be convinced.

If things do work out with your wife..the proof is in the pudding. With time they will likely recant.

If not..then while they may have been correct about the outcome..they do not demonstrate that they comprehend that there is a process to letting go of something that you have invested heavily in.

Noodle

noodle's right, it is VERY common. They don't want to see you get hurt again. They already have a bias against your WS because of what she has done to you.

If they were honest, most of them would acknowledge the fact that anyone can change if they want to. It happens everyday. But they are too afraid FOR you to be able to see it possible of your WS. Some of the WORST advice I got early on was from my family. They were almost as emotional as I was. Thank God I found this place!

Well, RM, I haven't even told anyone besides MB friends that I'm back in JMC. This will be round 4 of JMC, plus I've worked with Steve H. and Cerri (although I didn't follow Cerri's advice on my M) alone. Since until this session, I paid for MC myself, I estimate I've spend $10,000 on MC and psychotherapy bills directly related to my marriage.

If I told any of my friends or family, I think they'd have me committed. Or they may not speak to me.

Totally common (as mentioned)

but

its YOUR marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hey Rman,

Howyadoing? I have had this experience also....I always believed it was because family and friends did not want to see me hurt anymore.

Once I told SH about how family and friends were not supportive of me continuing in M because I portrayed H pretty much in bad light. I wanted them to hate him and he said..."oh, they will do that." He suggested I balance the picture by telling them the good things that he did so the picture became more balanced. Good idea.

Others are right to some degree...MB would say that partners should never be trusted....always have a open, transparent life. But MB also let's us know how to build a life together..interdependent. If you and W, change and grow together in love and passion--then as others have said--the proof will be in the pudding.

Keep on keeping on...RM....you have it within your grasp...have a good weekend and have some fun!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

PS. FWH and I are away for the weekend and I am continuing with my golf lessons...he can't wait for me to play golf with him....if you told me I would be here six months ago...I would not have believed it. I thought I was going to be D by Aug. Oh well, you never know how it is going to turn out????!!!!

I recommend you tell your supporters that you appreciate their concern. Let them know that at this time, you also are not at libterty to divulge all info so they can see how reasonable you are being with your decisions. Therefore, you are respectfully asking for their support and in turn you ask them to respect your decisions. Let them know you will listen to their advice but utimately it w/b your decision. Their support is important to you but a negative attitude isn't.

I laid that as a ground rule for each person I took into my confidence.

I didn't get much flack. But then again..... my own dad says I c/b intimidating. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really am not, just firm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hi Again folks- Thanks for your perspective. I guess that I can understand that my friends don't want me to suffer any further, and are probably right to be skeptical after hearing and seeing the things that occurred between FWS and I. I probably would have given the same advice prior to this occurring to me.

greengables - Thank you for sharing the very personal details. I guess that I know the feeling of the mounting bills. Many IMC sessions, psychologists / hypnotherapy sessions, books tapes and CD's.

Went to JMC. FWS decided to take the tack that it was all her fault (including world hunger, the war in Iraq, etc <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) The MC then started tell FWS that she was very good at taking the blame for things, the implication for me was that I was good at laying blame, probably not that far off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Also, I kept quite fo the most part, but I did interject a few times when selective bits of the truth were omitted. I expressed my view that unless we were totally honest in JMC (which MC asked for at start) that I thought the sessions would be a waste of time and that I would not attend further.

MC did point out that she thought FWS was intimacy avoider, which is strange as I would have thought that could have been me?

For the most part it was good and bad. Definitely dredged up many painful emotions for both of us. It was interesting to note
a) Just how much hurt there is lurking indside of me
b) How much hate I still have towards OM (I know, could have been anyone)
c) That the MC said she coud see how much I obviously still loved FWS
d) How confused at the outcome that I want

When MC asked if we loved each other, FWS didn't wait for her to finish, just a big resounding YES. I however could / did not want give her answer. This Shocked FWS a bit.

Sorry for the long posting...

MC suggested that given all my research that maybe I could get myself into becoming a counsellor

Hmm, the blind leading the blind me thinks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hi RM,

I am glad that you and your WW made it to MC finally.I can appreciate how hard it is for you.But you are there and I am proud that you are giving it a chance.You will most definitely have your ups and downs but it's a start and that's more than many have.

Don't feel pressured into saying ILY either.This also happend to me in my second false recovery.I just didn't really feel it yet after all we had been through and it shouldn't be forced,at least not right now when you're so new to recovery.It will be a happy day when you actually FEEL like telling your WW this again.Work toward that.Baby steps.

Good luck to you! Keep us updated.

O

Octobergirl, thanks for the encouragement. i will definitely keep you posted.

WS is all talk about R right now, so it's hard for me not to squash her dreams as I don't want to give her false hope and leave the door just slightly ajar.

It sounds like it is quite common to feel some sort of pressure to say ILY, but like you I am sticking to my guns on his <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />